So what are my chances?

[Nebel]

So, I've been spending time mostly at work (lunch, meeting in the coffee room) with a 40 year old woman. A lot of mail contact and some sms.
And we've been talking a bit more serious.

There's a man she's meeting for a year and a half.
He lives quite far and visits her maybe every second week when she doesn't have her son around.

According to her, he's cheated on her at least 3 times (that she knows of), doesn't get along with her son at all, she thinks he's living sometimes with her because his work is in the same town as she lives. Also, she says that she's not in love with him.
When I asked her why she is still with him, she said that he's funny and makes her laugh (although he makes her cry as often), they have fun together, travel a lot and it's good when he's not drinking. I told her friends can have just as much fun minus all the drama and she got quiet.

She said that he's on a very thin thread so I asked her what is it she wants, does she wants me to wait or go my way.
She said that I should go my way, but under one condition, to never forget about her.
When I said that she should think hard about it. If she wants me to go my way, she better be sure that's what she really wants, because I won't be coming back and she won't get a second chance, she went completely quiet again and I never got a reply from her about that.
It was through sms so I didn't want to be too forceful.

She has been hinting a lot that she wants me around (come watch a movie with me, come help me decorate my apartment, wanted to come with me to the gym, etc), but she ALWAYS backed out a day or two before that was supposed to happen.

She does not want sex, that much I found out a few days ago, the hard way

Honestly, I think she's still with him because she's 40, thinks she's out of the loop (but the woman is ****ing HOT!) and doesn't dare dump him because she thinks she would be alone.

So, the next course of action?
Go soft on her (seems to work on her, especially when I give her a crapload of compliments on her looks), or just tell her that I'm done with the bull****, we can't be friends and that I don't want to be #2?
I have already explained to her that we can't be friends.

 

[cordoncordon]

Your next course of action?

You only have one course. Walk away.

Think about it. She is fawking a guy who lives far away, who cheats on her, who her child doesn't like, who drinks too much, and who she isn't in love with, and who makes her cry. So this guy is doing all of those things, and she is STILL sleeping with him and hung up on him.

And yet she isn't sleeping with you. That should tell you all you need to know. She is not interested in you romantically and she thinks of you strictly as a friend. Who knows why this other guy tickles this woman's vajayjay. But he does. And you don't. Move on and find someone who wants you just as much as you want them.

 

[NewJack]

There are two levels to the answer, depending on how much responsibility you want to take, and that means how much pain you're willing to absorb. Its a Choose Your Own Adventure Story, except in real life!

Right now you are issuing ultimatums. You get to decide whether you want to be the kind of person who issues ultimatums to women. "Sleep with me, or I'm leaving you in the dust!" I think that gets cheers from lots of folks, you getting your Strong Man on and all, "Yeah Brother, Don't Forget to Demand Sex!!!", but another way of looking at it is that you are making demands like a child would. The situation is ambiguous, she may not want to have sex with you, but still love you. She may want to have sex with you in the future, but not now. Can you deal with that?

If you can't, you can next her, and move on to another woman who is going to screw you.
It will save you pain, but in another sense you are also tapping out. You're saying theres a level of sexual ambiguity, tension, and resulting emotional pain that you're not willing to deal with. I wouldn't blame you, but its not a strong act.

Wherever you go, and whatever meadow you frolic towards on your way away from this one, I would like to point out that this particular kind of sweetness:

She said that I should go my way, but under one condition, to never forget about her.

and this kind of enthusiasm:

but the woman is ****ing HOT!

are not going to be something regained on a point-and-click, shotgun dating type basis. Maybe try to realize that you have a nice connection, and savor it just a little bit before you destroy it, because it is not something easily replaced. (in my experience)

 

[Maximus Rex]

So, I've been spending time mostly at work (lunch, meeting in the coffee room) with a 40 year old woman.

Don't f*ck with chicks you work with.

 

[Nebel]

Hmm, lots of valid points.

She keeps saying that she likes me. As I friend? I don't know. I don't think so, I told her that I won't cause any problems if she tells me that she's not interested. I was very clear about it.
But she did not say no to me.
Guess she's just conflicted. I probably have a good chance with her if I keep it cool.
I never thought there can be so much drama with a 40 year old woman (I'm 29).