so, I've got a date.. or have I?

[MrNiceGuy]

edit: theres an update on all this at the bottom....


I finally got round to actually asking out a girl I'm interested in.. the question is, have I already been mentally LJBFed by her?

We work together in this pub, I was chatting to her about her plans for the weekend, when I found out she had tommorow off

me: how about you come for a coffee or something with me tommorow afternoon?
her (no hesitation): yeah, thats a great idea! (pause) aren't you working though?
me: not till 6.
her: yeah, thats cool.. I guess that means I'll have to go shopping too...
(she'd been talking about shopping earlier but she had no money. nice to see her arranging plans around me not the other way round too)
me: well, you dont have to buy clothes, treat yourself to some cds or something.
her: yeah, good idea
me: Ok, well I'll get your number before the end of the shift and give you a call tommorow.

so later, on a break I got my mobile phone and got her to put her number in, so I guess I'll give her a call tommorow lunchtime and arrange to meet her in the afternoon.. Now I just need to make sure she's sees that I'm interested in more than just mates.. She's a bit of a sunshine girl actually, not that she flirts with loads of guys, more that she's always happy and friendly, which is cool, its part of why I like her, but it makes gauging her interest level difficult.

Guess I'll go and reread all the bible stuff on flirting kino and so on during dates..

 

[cgraz]

Originally Posted by MrNiceGuy
Now I just need to make sure she's sees that I'm interested in more than just mates

Don't let her qualify you! You do the choosing. You've got it all backwards. She best show YOU that she's a fun girl whose worth YOUR time.

Just from reading your post, I'd say you should try things; don't play things so safe. I get the feeling your username really describes your personality. You should be more confident. Don't ask her if she wants to join you...either suggest she join you or tell her.

You: I’m going to get some coffee tomorrow afternoon before work. You should join me.

Also, relax and try some c/f.

Her: yeah, thats cool.. I guess that means I'll have to go shopping too...
You: I’m flattered, really I am, but don't feel like you need to impress me with expensive clothes. Just resist the urge and try and keep your hands to yourself...

I know that was just one specific example, but I get the feeling that you usually play things on the safe side. Take some risks; try things out; you'll be fine.

Cgraz

 

[MrNiceGuy]

hmmm

ok, heres an update.

I called her today at about 2.30pm, after loads of rings it went to voicemail, so I left a message..

"hi cat, its tom, give me a ring, my numbers xxxxx"

didn't hear anything for the rest of the day,

then while at work I checked my phone, I'd received a text message at 8.30, it said,

"Hey tom really sorry didnt call back today left my phone at home today muppet hope work is ok c u tommorow. cat x"

all this I can believe, but it doesnt bode well for her interest level, ie. I wouldnt forget to take my phone out with me if I was expecting a girl I was interested in to call during the day. Still at least she bothered to message me rather than just waiting till tommorow (today now) to speak to me.

So next step, I guess I'll suggest coffee again on sunday, (we're both working a split so have 4 hours to kill in the middle of the afternoon) and see how it goes.. nevertheless I'm not getting my hopes up.. the other thing is it all seems a little over apologetic

 

[cgraz]

I agree with Gigalo. BIG mistakes.

Also, you told her to call you back, and she texts you? Why? So she doesn't have to actually talk to you. It keeps her from having to make up more excuses. She's not interested bro. I had girls do this to me in my AFC days. She most likely wouldn't have even texted you had you not worked with her. Doing this just makes HER feel better about HERSELF. If she was never going to see you again, you wouldn't have even gotten a text.

I think it's pretty clear...NEXT!


Cgraz

 

[Hirez]

LOL...No Next Not Yet...

Many individuals on this board have a quick "NEXT" finger...but I think this can be turned around or clarity can be found fairly quickly...

1. Take control...total control...this is the sign of an alpha male...next time you see her say..."WE ARE" going out for coffee tommorrow at such and such time and that you will come pick her up at such and such a time...

2. If she has a legitimate appointment (you should be able to tell) say that's fine we will do it at X date and time instead, I will be there at X time to pick you up...

Now don't do it like an ******* would do it, but do it in a confident, serious, friendly way....

No you put her in a position...if she has any interest in you at all you will have the date...if she has absolutely no interest in you she will just say no...

There is a concept in psychology called "Cognitive Dissonance"
http://tip.psychology.org/festinge.html that link will help detail it...but simply put...we change our attitudes to match with our behavior...so if you get her out on a date and she doesn't really like you but is doing it to "be nice" the rule of cognitive dissonance says that because she said yes (especially if she really felt no) she will justify in her mind that she likes you at least a little...

Now once you get on the date is a different story...read around to other post to get an idea because I don't feel like detailing today...

But take control...be the alpha male...a best you get ***** at worse you know where she stands and can next her and find a new chick...

 

[Tkman]

She's not interested ... forget it.

If I was in your position, I would flirt with other women at the pub just to rub it in her face.

 

[MrNiceGuy]

well, I'm guessing the reason she texted me, rather than called is because she knows I was at work from 6, and therefore I wouldnt be able to answer my phone.

as for the whole leaving a message and asking her to call me thing.. well I guess thats just habitual, if I want to talk to someone I leave them a message to call me.. plus at the time she didnt know my number, so she'd not have been able to contact me if she wanted to. anyway.. whats done is done, I'm still learning..

now.. my conclusions after today (and yesterdays) events is that I am currently back where I've been many times before, in the friendzone.... so heres whats been happening..

saturday
got to work, we weren't working on the same areas so I didnt really get to talk to her much.. when I did, we got on as normal, but I didn't mention friday or ask her what she'd been up to, and she didn't either.. so it seems like it wasnt a big deal to her..
then right towards the end of her shift, about ten mins before she will be going I ask her if she is working tommorow,

her: yeah, a 12-3, 7-12 split...
me: yeah, me too, its gonna be weird I've not done a split before. What are you going to do in the 4 hour gap, go home?
her: no, Its not worth it, it takes too long to get home.... you're not going to go home are you? Don't go home. We can do something together during the time off..
me: yeah, ok then..
her: excellent

sunday (today)
in the first 3 hours of our shifts again we're both working in different areas so we don't really get to chat at all, when it hits 3, I head to the staff room to get changed, she comes in a little later, after a few minutes of chit chat between all the staff that are coming and going and her going off to change I say "lets go get some food now" and we both walk into town together.
Spend the first 1.5 hours wandering around the town, a little window shopping, buy some sandwiches, sit chatting and eating them etc. then she says "what shall we do now?" the shops are starting to shut, and its cold and neither of us is in the mood of going to sit in a pub.. I say that I only live 15mins walk away and we agree to go back to mine.. walk back there, get in, chat for a few minutes, then my mum appears and the 3 of us end up sat chatting for ages.. I realise this is doing no good, so I suggest we go watch some DVDs or something in my room, she agrees and we end up sat on my bed watching simpsons.. no efforts on her part to get close to me or anything. But did I try anything either? No.

Go back to work, work for 5 hours, normal chit chat at work etc. then I come home...
-------------------

Basically it seems like I've made the same mistakes I've made before, not made a move early enough (in terms of how long I've known her) to see her in a social context, and then once I do get her in a social context not make any sort of romantic moves at all...
I guess to her (and to me) it doesn't feel like we're dating, because.... well, we're not, we're just hanging out as mates basically. Thing is, I haven't a clue how to make it clear to her that I dont just want to hang out as mates. I.e that the next time I see her I want it to feel like a date.
From the way she's acted around me, I don't think she's interested in me (not as more than a friend anyway) but of course that could be subject to change if I make it obvious what I'm looking for.. Things I should have done.. flirted more, taken her arm when we were walking round town, got rid of my mum sooner, got some kino going in my room..

I'm in two minds now, in any case I'm leaving this town and moving to london in the very near future (although this girl doesn't know this yet) so I won't see her at all soon anyway. Part of me just says next her now and forget about it... the other part says make some sort of move at the very next opportunity.. I'm more drawn to the make a move option just to see what would happen, but I haven't a clue how to do it....
Saying something like "lets do such and such, not just as friends" just sounds far too cheesy and crap.. The only way I do know how to get things going is get drunk, go to a nightclub together then go for a kiss either during flirtatious conversation or while dancing, but with the way the rota works I cant really see that happening in the near future, especially as she lives almost an hour away from the town where we both work, I live, and we would both go out in.

 

[Tantric]

Well...

You've recognized your mistake...not making a move...

Recognizing is a good thing...JUST DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN!!!!!!!

Put yourself in the mindframe that her SPENDING TIME ALONE with you, is an invite to make out...at least that's the midframe i keep myself in. Why else would she do things alone with you?

I did something similar a few days ago...

I was with a HB9, and i like to hold a girls hand when i say goodbye. Normally I switch it to a kiss on the hand. Anyway, this chick seemed to have a fairly good IL. As i did it, she took it as HANDSHAKE!! YIKES!!! Christ! now i think "shyte" SHOULD HAVE GONE FOR THE KISS!!!!

Anyway, if you do not make a move SOON...you will be stuck in the friends zone. Do it ASAP!!! Kiss her, get closer, SOMETHING that shows your intentions!!!

Good to learn from your mistakes.