Edit: I actually meant to post this in the MM forums. If a mod thinks it does indeed fit in there, I'd be thankful for the move.
So for the first time I was on the less ****ty end of a breakup. We weren't together, we'd only been dating for six weeks but it was fairly intense; I'm calling it a break-up for lack of a better word. Even though it was intense I did everything right, didn't see her more than 2-3 times a week, never let down my friends or my occupations for her, etc.
I noticed it was en route to becoming a relationship and deep in my gut it didn't feel right. I just finished my physics degree and have to ask myself what I want to do with my life. This board has made me especially sensitive to that question in the way that I don't want to take the question lightly, I want to really think about what to do with my life. Here's my first main point: I felt that I couldn't really decide about my future if I had to take another person into the equation. Call me weak for not being able to phase her out, but that's me: I worry about things. I think about things. And yes, I do have plates, but only to keep the bed warm, she's the only intellectual connection I've had in the last few months. On the other hand I know I'll definitely come across more girls in my life, maybe not a whole lot that will really interest me, but hey.
She is five years older than I am (she's 30) and had some definitive upsides; she is kind, relaxed, fairly smart, a solid 7, likes sex - though she hasn't gone kinky on me in bed. So what are the issues here? Amongst them are:
- she used to be a heavy smoker, according to her she only smokes about one or two cigarettes a day, but never more
- she likes to go out partying, not as much as back when she was younger, but I personally never go to clubs so to me it all seems "a lot". She doesn't seem like the extreme partying type to me but then again, I've never seen her in that setting and never with alcohol.
- she has a tattoo on her lower back. It doesn't have the typical "tramp stamp" form (it's rather taller than large), but this alone is almost a red flag for me. I'm tempted to let it go as "remnant of the wild days", but she has stated she still stands behind it and wants to get it refreshed.
- her parents are divorced, mother used to be a heavy alcoholic (not sure about today), contact to dad is good and strong. But still, this is the main red flag. Although she has stated that this has made her more family-oriented, I also know that to see a woman's future you have but to look at her mom.
- her being 30 means her clock is ticking. Even though she said she doesn't know if she wants kids at all, this thought has been rambling around in the back of my head since the beginning. The danger of her sticking it to me is greater than zero and greater than for a chick my age.
The reason I'm writing this is because I feel like ****. Even though I know the reasons for which I did it, I have this nagging feeling of doubt, and since I've never broken up with anyone I'm not used to the situation. Plus I feel bad for having hurt her. Of course that couldn't be helped, but I'm a kind person at the core and I hate hurting people.
Her main point was that she felt I hadn't given us enough time. That there are so many things we hadn't done yet ("have a nice dinner together, take a trip together, play video games together" (the last one because she knows I like video games)). But the point was that I didn't feel I wanted to do these things with her because I wouldn't have wanted to take the whole thing up one level.
It's interesting that even as she was saying some things my brain filtered them as "this she is only saying because she feels rejected" or "this she is only saying to get you to change your mind". She's been on the bad end of her last few breakups and since she's 30, this has got to be getting under her skin. Towards the end of the talk she even got a bit aggressive and deliberately hurtful. Basically it was textbook. Understandable, though.
So yeah, I feel like crap for (a) having hurt an essentially good person who did nothing to "deserve" it (b) not being 100% sure about my decision.
She did say that I should call if I change my mind and that she'd hate to lose me as a person. I'm not sure what the impression would be if I called in 2-3 weeks and claimed I had seen the light and that I made a mistake. Maybe I should then sell it as "with the right mindset, this does feel right, blabla".
Yeah, this is a bit of a ramble... helps to write, though, and maybe some of you will have some good input.
EastWind
So for the first time I was on the less ****ty end of a breakup. We weren't together, we'd only been dating for six weeks but it was fairly intense; I'm calling it a break-up for lack of a better word. Even though it was intense I did everything right, didn't see her more than 2-3 times a week, never let down my friends or my occupations for her, etc.
I noticed it was en route to becoming a relationship and deep in my gut it didn't feel right. I just finished my physics degree and have to ask myself what I want to do with my life. This board has made me especially sensitive to that question in the way that I don't want to take the question lightly, I want to really think about what to do with my life. Here's my first main point: I felt that I couldn't really decide about my future if I had to take another person into the equation. Call me weak for not being able to phase her out, but that's me: I worry about things. I think about things. And yes, I do have plates, but only to keep the bed warm, she's the only intellectual connection I've had in the last few months. On the other hand I know I'll definitely come across more girls in my life, maybe not a whole lot that will really interest me, but hey.
She is five years older than I am (she's 30) and had some definitive upsides; she is kind, relaxed, fairly smart, a solid 7, likes sex - though she hasn't gone kinky on me in bed. So what are the issues here? Amongst them are:
- she used to be a heavy smoker, according to her she only smokes about one or two cigarettes a day, but never more
- she likes to go out partying, not as much as back when she was younger, but I personally never go to clubs so to me it all seems "a lot". She doesn't seem like the extreme partying type to me but then again, I've never seen her in that setting and never with alcohol.
- she has a tattoo on her lower back. It doesn't have the typical "tramp stamp" form (it's rather taller than large), but this alone is almost a red flag for me. I'm tempted to let it go as "remnant of the wild days", but she has stated she still stands behind it and wants to get it refreshed.
- her parents are divorced, mother used to be a heavy alcoholic (not sure about today), contact to dad is good and strong. But still, this is the main red flag. Although she has stated that this has made her more family-oriented, I also know that to see a woman's future you have but to look at her mom.
- her being 30 means her clock is ticking. Even though she said she doesn't know if she wants kids at all, this thought has been rambling around in the back of my head since the beginning. The danger of her sticking it to me is greater than zero and greater than for a chick my age.
The reason I'm writing this is because I feel like ****. Even though I know the reasons for which I did it, I have this nagging feeling of doubt, and since I've never broken up with anyone I'm not used to the situation. Plus I feel bad for having hurt her. Of course that couldn't be helped, but I'm a kind person at the core and I hate hurting people.
Her main point was that she felt I hadn't given us enough time. That there are so many things we hadn't done yet ("have a nice dinner together, take a trip together, play video games together" (the last one because she knows I like video games)). But the point was that I didn't feel I wanted to do these things with her because I wouldn't have wanted to take the whole thing up one level.
It's interesting that even as she was saying some things my brain filtered them as "this she is only saying because she feels rejected" or "this she is only saying to get you to change your mind". She's been on the bad end of her last few breakups and since she's 30, this has got to be getting under her skin. Towards the end of the talk she even got a bit aggressive and deliberately hurtful. Basically it was textbook. Understandable, though.
So yeah, I feel like crap for (a) having hurt an essentially good person who did nothing to "deserve" it (b) not being 100% sure about my decision.
She did say that I should call if I change my mind and that she'd hate to lose me as a person. I'm not sure what the impression would be if I called in 2-3 weeks and claimed I had seen the light and that I made a mistake. Maybe I should then sell it as "with the right mindset, this does feel right, blabla".
Yeah, this is a bit of a ramble... helps to write, though, and maybe some of you will have some good input.
EastWind