Snoop or High Ground

[Sinistar]

(Inspired from a recent thread)

Scenario: You've been in a relationship with a woman for nearly a year, exclusive for the last 4 months. Still living separately, both finished with school and both into their own careers. However in the past 2 weeks something isn't sitting right. She's mentioned a 'friendly' co-worker several times, canceled one get together and late coming over twice after work. Now, you're at her place she's upstairs doing something and the phone rings, she asks you to answer and it's her sister who got back early from a business trip and needs a ride from the airport. She quickly zips off to the airport leaving you at her place to hang out until she's back. And her PC is still on. And her cell phone is laying on the table. In the moment you have one of two basic choices:

1.) You look through her email and/or cell phone either to confirm your suspicions or ally your fears.

2.) You take the moral high ground (or whatever you choose to call it) refusing to snoop and invade her privacy. Basically, you'll deal with it another way at a different time.

I'm not asking what you think is right, rather I'm curious what you think you would really do in this situation?

 

[speed dawg]

I'd snoop, because I don't like to be disrespected any more than I have to. Where there's smoke, there MIGHT be fire. I'd subtlely investigate, but I'd say or do nothing until I had proof of wrongdoing. Then, I'd hit the road, that simple.

Edited to say: You may find something you don't want to, that may make you AFC about it, and ultimately lead to your demise in the relationship. Chance you have to take. Either way, keep playing your game the best you can, and if you lose, fukk it.

 

[cordoncordon]

I would snoop. At least I can admit it lol.

 

[WestCoaster]

I'd probably snoop, to be honest. Women would do the same thing. I was with a friend a few week's ago and we went to her boyfriend's house, she wanted to introduce me. While he was showing me his art work, she snooped in his day planner and found out he was at a concert the other night with a different woman. I didn't know this till she told me later. Women do stuff like this, when men do it they get the guilt trip. Women are given a green light in just about everything in their behaviors these days; men are cast out as sexist pigs, jerks, players, etc., for doing the exact same things.

I'd snoop ... and honestly, I think you should do. But I would NEVER mention that you were.

Sorry, I've taken the high road too many times only to be kicked in the nads ... fool me once, shame on you; fool me 500 times, shame on me. Cover thy a$$.

 

[Vulpine]

Look.

But the key is to just leave, not confront, when your fears are confirmed.

 

[drZaius09]

First I'm going to point out a couple of things, and then I'm going to tell you why they don't matter:

1) She asked you to answer her phone. If she was screwing around, that call could've been anyone, including her newest man toy. Why would she feel so comfortable allowing you to answer her phone if she had something to hide?

2) She left you in the house with her phone and access to her email. Same question: why would she feel so comfortable with this? Because she has nothing to hide.

So in conclusion, this particular scenario is fairly easy to diagnose. But it doesn't matter anyway, because a mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY man would never even think to snoop in someone else's affairs, no matter what the circumstances of their relationship. A mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY man would never even CONSIDER that a woman would cheat on him; and even if she did, it would be of no consequence to him anyway. Because he would know that he is mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY-- and no woman born on planet earth could ever take that away from him, no matter what.

 

[joekerr31]

if she was cheating id take a big dump in her panty drawers then leave. just joking. I'd probably just load up a web page about people who cheat and leave it on her computer for her to find when she got back.

to be completely honest, i wouldn't look. im in my early 30s, and at this stage of the game i trust my instincts 100%. So if i felt the need to look I'd probably just walk away from the relationship without looking.

now, that said, if somehow, someway, some chic got her psychological hooks so deep into my brain that despite the feeling that i was being used i simply didn't have the strength to walk away, then i would look as the only means of protecting my own best interest.

the thing is that 95% of people (men and women) are hiding something. whether its the gang bang she did when she was 20 or the face that she takes anti-depressants, there's always secrets abound.

although cheating is different, as its a lie that actually puts your physical safety at risk (who wants to catch an STD because their GF is off banging some black porno dude).

 

[Good_ol_boy]

There seems to be some trust issues going on around here. (there are 2 reasonable post, at least.)

 

[amoka]

If this girl is trully cheating on your, she wouldn't have asked you to answer her cell phone while upstairs, in the first place. That alone should give you a clue that what your suspicions need modification....

 

[Sinistar]

First I'm going to point out a couple of things, and then I'm going to tell you why they don't matter:

1) She asked you to answer her phone. If she was screwing around, that call could've been anyone, including her newest man toy. Why would she feel so comfortable allowing you to answer her phone if she had something to hide?

2) She left you in the house with her phone and access to her email. Same question: why would she feel so comfortable with this? Because she has nothing to hide.

So in conclusion, this particular scenario is fairly easy to diagnose. But it doesn't matter anyway, because a mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY man would never even think to snoop in someone else's affairs, no matter what the circumstances of their relationship. A mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY man would never even CONSIDER that a woman would cheat on him; and even if she did, it would be of no consequence to him anyway. Because he would know that he is mature, emotionally stable, confident, and HAPPY-- and no woman born on planet earth could ever take that away from him, no matter what.

Wow, hardly dropped the hook in the water look what I snagged.

Just about everyone understood the overall gist of the scenario and what surprised me most, I believe almost everyone answered honestly rather than giving the "what they think a perfect DJ would do" bu11sh!t. I have a feeling, when suspicious and given the chance, probably 95%+ guys (or women) out there will snoop. Why, because they are human beings, incapable of total indifferent unemotional detachment once emotionally invested into a relationship.

Now who's left in the small group that probably [honestly] wouldn't snoop. I suspect it's the extreme-oneitis case, mega-AFC who doesn't dare look because he's so fearful of what he might find that he'd rather look away and live with the empty sh!tty feeling. And perhaps there is a rare handful of ultimate-DJ's who'd resist the temptation.

However, your response falls in neither category. You basically dodged the question on a technicality. Why? Could if be that you're afraid to be completely honest with yourself.

drZaius09, I get the point you are trying to make - mega confident, happy, stable guy wouldn't find himself in this situation, wouldn't need to look, blah, blah, blah. That's perfect world BS and you know it. One day life is going to throw you a curve ball you can't hit. At your age, perhaps it already has (possibly even more than once). If you're trying to tell everyone here that you have (or will) walk thru it completely HAPPY, emotionally perfect and unscathed, not a nick to your esteem or confidence well I got news for you, you're in for a real suprise and you're about to learn a whole lot about yourself.

Now Westcoaster, Vulpine, speed-dawg and cordoncordon didn't just vote, they answered honestly and good advice was offered as well. And Joekerr31 is one of the few members of this forumn who could answer 'no' and I'd believe him. Why? Because his writing and advice give the sense there is congruency in his way about things. And even he was honest enough to admit, there is a possibility he might find himself looking.

Come on drZ, are you really telling everyone out here that you honestly would not take a peek when something isn't feeling right and that little voice won't go away no matter how hard you try to detach and control your feelings?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Ah, to snoop and confirm suspicions or to "respect her privacy" and confirm suspicions. Take the moral high road and get burned or take the path of subterfuge,..and get burned. If you snoop and confront her you're "an insecure sneak with no respect for her", if you wait pateintly and respectfully for her to confirm it all for you you're a fool for not seeing it all along.

I declined to vote in the poll because there's a better way to determine this and it's really very simple - OBSERVE HER FUKKEN BEHAVIOR! Sh!t doesn't happen in a vacuum. I don't need her cell phone, I don't need a moment of opportunity, all I need is a basic understanding of what her conditions are and what her behavior are communicating to me. Every single fukken time I've ever been in a situation where there was cause to doubt the sincerity and fidelity of a woman I was with, these doubts were ALWAYS confirmed for me by her actions. At the time they occured I hadn't had the experience to be a good judge of character and I still believed the myth that 'open communication' was the path to a great relationship - I believed that women meant what it was they said. Now I know better; I believe what they DO and not what they say. You can learn a lot from how women's words betray their intent, but it's their behavior that is speaking volumes to you.

If I were the guy in this scenario with the well observed behaviors you've outilined above, it would never have gotten to the point of me just 'hanging around' answering her phone calls for her because her prior behavior would have put me into pulling a trigger on the whole affair and I'd have been with another of the 4 or 5 plates I was spinning at the time. If I am the PRIZE there is no 'firendly co-worker' - I drop the plate, because I know better. If I am the PRIZE there is no 'late coming over for a couple of times' - I drop the plate, and I'm with a more reliable one. For fukk sake this isn't rocket science.

Too many guys get so caught up in the sex (assuming they're not waiting around for it) and the drama and the chemical rush that jealousy and suspicion flood their systems with that they can't see the forest for the trees. We don't want to believe that the chick that banged us 4 months earlier could possibly want to get after it with someone else. But there it is, it's not hard to read if you can pull your head out of your ass and look at behaviors from a pragmatic point of view.

To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle.. - Orwell

 

[RedPill]

Speaking of behaviors, it's specifically the deviations from her usual behavior that are the biggest red flag.

Once it's an accident.
Twice it's a coincidence.
Third time it's your own damn fault.

In Femme-Land, there's a pretty little female Jiminy Cricket with big tits that sits on her shoulder and whispers "Let your emotions be your guide." In this scenario, I bet the girlfriend doesn't even realize she's giving herself away with the behavioral shift and the frequent mention of the co-worker. For as much as we men tend to underestimate just how much emotions run women, they often forget just how much logic runs us. Of course, if she really valued her boyfriend in this scenario, she'd pay more attention to the perception her actions create and this scenario wouldn't exist. Once again, Prize Mentality beats a Royal Flush.

 

[WestCoaster]

I agree with Rollo ... human nature and my own curiosity would cause me to snoop, even after observing her behaviors.

I would not confront, however, I'd move on. Correct, observe behaviors, most women give themselves away ... however, some are good at hiding things and are refined liars.

I'd snoop ... if that makes me a sinner, not a confident, happy, together man, so be it. I've been burned too many times to think women are 100 percent trusting, honest, upstanding, and straight shooting. I want as much info as I can get, either by observation or finding out something on a stupid cell phone.

Like I said, fool me once, shame on you ... fool me 500 times, shame on me.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

RED PILL, good observation (as ever), but there's also another angle that I think is actually more common than the "follow your emotions" line - she wants to be caught. If the guy uses the phone and snoops she's off the hook. He looked, he 'broke her trust', was posessive, was insecure, etc, etc. and she knows this is an 'out' that doesn't make her look like the "cheater." It's similar to a LJBF rationale, she can foist the responsibility for the rejection back on him without having to bother with her own motivations and she's self-justified since he snooped.

 

[logic1]

No snooping

After experiencing some good and bad relationships my thoughts are snooping is not required.

When your with a qaulity women she never gives you a feeling or reason to want to snoop. Everything always feels comfortable. She is never inquisitive about your actions either, like she thinks you are cheating on her. Everything is consistant and flows easily.

If you are with a women who makes you feel something is wrong or you need to snoop to comfirm your instict your in trouble.

If you have experienced both types you will know what I'm talking about.

 

[drZaius09]

However, your response falls in neither category. You basically dodged the question on a technicality. Why? Could if be that you're afraid to be completely honest with yourself.

I didn't dodge your stupid "hypothetical" question. I answered simply that under these circumstances snooping is completely inappropriate and uncalled-for considering the girls behavior.

drZaius09, I get the point you are trying to make - mega confident, happy, stable guy wouldn't find himself in this situation, wouldn't need to look, blah, blah, blah. That's perfect world BS and you know it.

It is my world every day. I went through hell to reach this state of mind, and it still takes constant work, but it is possible. I feel sorry for you if you truly believe it is unachievable.

One day life is going to throw you a curve ball you can't hit. At your age, perhaps it already has (possibly even more than once). If you're trying to tell everyone here that you have (or will) walk thru it completely HAPPY, emotionally perfect and unscathed, not a nick to your esteem or confidence well I got news for you, you're in for a real suprise and you're about to learn a whole lot about yourself.

I've lived plenty of life already, and had my fair share of excrement dumped on my head. So I hardly need you to tell me what I'm "in for."

The fact is you didn't like my answer because I'm not approving your jealous, insecure behavior. I've lived out far too many of my days with that attitude, and it just doesn't work. There have been times when I've deliberately sought out opportunities to snoop, so I know where you're coming from. At those times my whole life was a joke. I had no substance or character. Like everyone here, I was trying to be "DJ," I was trying to use formulas and theories to run my life. I was putting women in the foreground above everything else. It just doesn't work.

Come on drZ, are you really telling everyone out here that you honestly would not take a peek when something isn't feeling right and that little voice won't go away no matter how hard you try to detach and control your feelings?

I don't have that little voice anymore. That voice was nothing more than a negative, miserable little pr*ck, and it has been silenced. Nothing can make me lose control now except me. And sure, it happens sometimes, but hardly ever with women, because they're just not important to me anymore. I think maybe you doubt me because women take such enormous precedence in your life, and maybe subconsciously you don't like that. But trust me, things can change, it's your choice and nobody else's.

 

[mrRuckus]

Women have no qualms about going through your stuff.

I had an ex go through my phone once. I said never again. She later confronts me asking why I have another ex in my phone number list. So she had snooped again.

Her defense of going through my phone is "I went through another guy's phone and found something so i was right." Ohh that ends justify the means argument. To hell with that chick logic.

And the worst part is that she had this waiting in her head for a while. As soon as I confront her with something totally unrelated about her behavior she pulls that out. "Well blah blah blah." I basically told her it was illegally obtained evidence, means absolutely nothing anyway (the other ex is 350 miles away and i haven't seen her for like 3 years) and the discussion about it would not happen because she never should have saw it and it wasn't some "hidden" thing that i was trying to hide anyway.

Another thing. She said "my grandma says i'm right to snoop."

So yeah.. now i would look in a girl's phone if i had reason to be suspicious. I'm pretty satisfied that they all think it's okay and operate under the idea that "you won't mind if i search your trunk if you have nothing to hide." We men don't allow that logic in our courts but women don't seem to mind it.

P freakin s. She's going to a police academy now. Sigh.

 

[drZaius09]

Every single fukken time I've ever been in a situation where there was cause to doubt the sincerity and fidelity of a woman I was with, these doubts were ALWAYS confirmed for me by her actions.

One of my favorite sayings of all time:

"Whenever there is any doubt, there is no doubt."

I think thats from Ronin.

 

[Latinoman]

I have a very good judgment of character. So, keep in mind when I write this.

This is how I personally view things.

I strongly believe that when a person truly wants to look for something…well, that person will actually find it. So, maybe she is not cheating…but you found an old photograph of her and her ex. Or maybe she is not cheating…but you found an old email in the delete folder from a guy that has the hots for her (one that she told him to stop and simply deleted the email).

You get the drift? The end result would be the same: insecurity (assuming you are insecure to begin with).

That’s why I typically do few things early in the relationship.

EARLY in the relationship I try to understand who I’m dealing with. And I understand her behavior in her past. Heck, I might even do a Google Search! LOL.

That allows me to understand the likelihood of what she is CAPABLE of doing.

In a nutshell, and like Rollo stated, I study her BEHAVIOR. But to understand her behavior accurately...you should understand some of her past behaviors! Yep, "past is past" is a mantra that I NEVER sing.

Would I snoop around her emails and stuff? No.
Why? Because if a woman does it to me...that would be an automatic deal breaker.

Would I snoop around and read her "journal"?
ABSOLUTLY NO!

But, if I sense she is telling me something that does not make sense or that she gets defensive…then I MIGHT take a look around (maybe albums with old pictures or caller ID) to help me clarify things about her character.

Here is the thing, if I suspect she is cheating…then the likelihood that she is cheating is VERY VERY VERY high! Here is why: (1) I used to see women that cheated in their husbands and boyfriends. (2) I do my best to understand person’s past behaviors. And (3) I pay lot of attention at changes my partner might have and the possible “why” of those changes. Combined all three and you will see why I say this. If I strongly suspect she is cheating, then I might snoop to make sure I’m not overreacting nor making a decision I might later regret (eg. that applies if involves a wife...especially a wife and your small children. Girlfriends are easy to dump, but wife/with your kids is not.).

Would I snoop if I sense she is lying about her past? There, I might. I won’t lie to you guys about that. Past is past for many. But not for me (e.g. I won’t be with a former jailbait not former prostitute or former criminal). But I won't snoop for the heck of snooping.