Slowing things down/Building tension

[Barrister]

I can understand why you (and others) might share this perspective, but there's more to it than meets the eye. It's really not about "playing games" ... it's actually about leveling the playing field.

Sure... in an ideal world, we could just act on impulse and tell a girl how we're really feeling (the ones we like beyond the bedroom) and call her on a whim etc... Unfortunately, psychology (and this isn't just limited to females) will give you the opposite result that you hoped for.

Some of you may think that I'm making a sexist and/or blanketed statement. I'm not. I'm simply going to explain some psychology.

Those of you that have some experience have certainly encountered this: You're in a relationship and then 'suddenly' you're now getting more attention from the opposite sex or some gal that didn't notice you before is now paying attention to you. You think to yourself... "just my luck... why is this happening when I'm already taken." The reason is simple; you are (likely on a subconscious level) projecting a different persona than when you were single. In other words, you're in a relationship and so you really don't care (in 'that' way) what an outside female is thinking. In other words, you do not appear invested (or prematurely invested) and this is a trait that women will find more attractive.

The above isn't being sexist. It's simply psychology. Here's another example:
Two kids have their eye on a special expensive bicycle. One kid has parents that buy him everything. He gets the bike the next day. The other kid ends up having to do odd jobs around the neighborhood. Instead of hanging out with friends or playing video games, or spending money ... he made sacrifices to get the same bicycle. Unlike the other kid, it took him two months to earn the cash. Now.... Which kid is likely to take better care and value his bicycle? I'm sure that you know the answer. It's the same principle as we get older and start forming relationships. You can be the "bike" that the spoiled kid will take for granted...or you can be the "bike" that will be valued; because it took some effort to achieve.

My mistakes are not isolated incidents. @Glassguy (just like myself and many others) speak from experience. Even to this day (and I'm old,I tell ya) I will still find myself occasionally thinking ..."yeah, but this girl is different". This is a mistake. It's not about the sexes. It's psychology. Even the most humble, transparent and 'normal' female can turn into a smug and smarmy being... if we 'feed' that side of her (we drop our guard too quickly etc... ). This isn't about women that are 'damaged goods.' This applies to any woman that is not desperate for a man. I wish that it wasn't this way, but anyone with experience and enough trial and error will tell you ... it is.

Great post.

And you are right. As much as we hate to say it, the old saying that "familiarity breeds contempt" seems to ring true for most (not all) couples. I don't get the feeling that most of them really enjoy each other's company. It is sort of a dependency on each other's presence that they are so used to that they struggle with the thought of its absence. And it doesn't matter how perfect things seem in the honeymoon phase. I suppose I may be labelled jaded - but my LTRs have tended to run the same course for the most part - just a matter of how long the overall process played out.

 

[member162951]

Great post.

And you are right. As much as we hate to say it, the old saying that "familiarity breeds contempt" seems to ring true for most (not all) couples. I don't get the feeling that most of them really enjoy each other's company. It is sort of a dependency on each other's presence that they are so used to that they struggle with the thought of its absence. And it doesn't matter how perfect things seem in the honeymoon phase. I suppose I may be labelled jaded - but my LTRs have tended to run the same course for the most part - just a matter of how long the overall process played out.

I'm a big proponent of introducing some distance into the relationship for this reason.
Too much "togetherness" can really kill the spirit and spark, contrary to popular belief.

Even some therapists advise "you need to spend more time together" ugh, no it's the opposite! Too much togetherness is what killed it! Why? Just as you said, familiarity breeds contempt and boredom.

Spend time apart, miss each other, long for each other! Once in awhile anyway.

It's a shame that more couples don't realize this. It's so simple but yet so difficult for many couples to implement.

 

[The Duke]

I always play a little cat/mouse game regardless of what kind of girl. Why? Because it works and I like to win. The only thing a new LTR potential girl deserves vs. a new FWB girl is to be taken seriously and shown more respect. The best girls do have higher standards.

But as far as everything else goes, it's the same deal.

I don't always take their calls, I don't always call them back quickly. you can't predict when I will reply to a text. Sometimes I want them to wonder why I haven't called them yet to make plans. I give enough to keep them wanting more. I don't go out with a new girl more than once a week the first few weeks. I might skip a week seeing a new girl. Never be predictable, care less than they do, ride the brakes when they try and speed things up. Make them earn your attention. Never make yourself too available. Tell them no. They need time to wonder what you're up to when they don't hear from you. It's creates attraction.

If you want to win at dating, play the game like they do! Everyone of you guys know women are naturals at playing the dating game. Make it look like you have options even when you don't. Long term/short term type girl, it doesn't matter.

 

[soulforge]

I always play a little cat/mouse game regardless of what kind of girl. Why? Because it works and I like to win. The only thing a new LTR potential girl deserves vs. a new FWB girl is to be taken seriously and shown more respect. The best girls do have higher standards.

But as far as everything else goes, it's the same deal.

I don't always take their calls, I don't always call them back quickly. you can't predict when I will reply to a text. Sometimes I want them to wonder why I haven't called them yet to make plans. I give enough to keep them wanting more. I don't go out with a new girl more than once a week the first few weeks. I might skip a week seeing a new girl. Never be predictable, care less than they do, ride the brakes when they try and speed things up. Make them earn your attention. Never make yourself too available. Tell them no. They need time to wonder what you're up to when they don't hear from you. It's creates attraction.

If you want to win at dating, play the game like they do! Everyone of you guys know women are naturals at playing the dating game. Make it look like you have options even when you don't. Long term/short term type girl, it doesn't matter.

It's unfortunate that we have to play games like this, but reality is, we must play the game, otherwise they get too comfortable and lose Interest.

I have on occasion, done the same myself.

She messages me goodnight, I don't reply back & the following morning, I tell her that I fell asleep. Keeps her wondering all night, WTF I am upto lol.

Another thing is, I'm a firm believer she must make most of the effort with texting, like a 30/70% ratio.

Sometimes I would intentionally not answer the call straight away, and let the call go through to voicemail.. Wait around 10 minutes, then call her back. That would get her hamster spinning like crazy.

She would even question me on, why I sound out of breath on the phone call haha.

Unfortunately it has to be done.

 

[soulforge]

What you call playing the game has always come natural to me, I never felt like I had to put in effort. Women do get comfortable and safe, but they always know that I have more options, so they stay on their toes.

Ok James Bond.. Relax lol... But I do understand what you are saying. I'm working my way to have a similar mindset as you, and to avoid taking these chicks seriously.

Having multiple plates definitely helps.

 

[member162951]

It's unfortunate that we have to play games like this, but reality is, we must play the game, otherwise they get too comfortable and lose Interest.

I have on occasion, done the same myself.

She messages me goodnight, I don't reply back & the following morning, I tell her that I fell asleep. Keeps her wondering all night, WTF I am upto lol.

Another thing is, I'm a firm believer she must make most of the effort with texting, like a 30/70% ratio.

Sometimes I would intentionally not answer the call straight away, and let the call go through to voicemail.. Wait around 10 minutes, then call her back. That would get her hamster spinning like crazy.

She would even question me on, why I sound out of breath on the phone call haha.

Unfortunately it has to be done.

Intermittent reinforcement. Play this^ game once in awhile, other times don't play. Return her texts and calls promptly.

Same with any other behavior. Be unpredictable, switch things up once in a while.

This comes naturally to me but if not natural it can be learned, mind over matter and knowing what works. Anything that becomes a pattern, even playing the 'low effort' game becomes predictable and boring.

I believe one should always be doing this even in LTRs and marriages. It keeps things spirited and alive for both of you!

 

[soulforge]

Intermittent reinforcement. Play this^ game once in awhile, other times don't play. Return her texts and calls promptly.

Same with any other behavior. Be unpredictable, switch things up once on a while.

This comes naturally to me but if not natural it can be learned, mind over matter and knowing what works. Anything that becomes a pattern, even playing the 'low effort' game becomes predictable and boring.

Keep her wondering and guessing and thus her v tingling and her continued sexual attraction.

I believe one should always be doing this even in LTRs and marriages. It keeps things spirited and alive for both of you!

It's difficult to pull this off in an LTR because dudes become comfortable with the girl and busy with other things, than playing games with his LTR.. Guilty of this myself.

Sad reality is, the games must always be played.. Confusing them, keeping them in a state of worry and distress is what keeps that vagina tingling.

 

[member162951]

It's difficult to pull this off in an LTR because dudes become comfortable with the girl and busy with other things, than playing games with his LTR.. Guilty of this myself.

It should not be a "conscious game" you play, it should be natural. Switch things up (your behavior and reactions) once in awhile, organically and naturally.

Covertly, with subtlety, not overtly where she thinks you're playing a game. Like I said, it should not be a "game" anyway, it's called being smart and knowing what works to keep the fires burning.

Ideally SHE should be doing her own variation, and when she does, you should always keep your cool and maintain frame.

Otherwise YAWN.

Familiarity breeds boredom and sometimes contempt.

 

[member162951]

@soulforge I recall a post you wrote about your ex-girl not sending you a good night text ONCE.

That's what I'm talking about! She played YOUR "game" and you had a bit of a freak out about it if I recall.

Next time, ignore it, so what? It was one text she went against her normal familiar pattern.

Big whoop, simply carry on. Switch things up on HER once on awhile!

Keep the playing field balanced.

 

[soulforge]

@soulforge I recall a post you wrote about your ex-girl not sending you a good night text ONCE.

That's what I'm talking about! She played YOUR "game" and you had a bit of a freak out about it if I recall.

Next time, ignore it, so what? It was one text she went against her normal familiar pattern.

Big whoop, simply carry on. Switch things up on HER once on awhile!

Keep the playing field balanced.

Context my friend.. Please observe context..

I didn't give a dogs chit that she didn't say goodnight to me, I'm a big boy and can handle that.

My issue wasn't that's she didn't say goodnight to me Boohoo.. My issue was that her behaviour was out of the ordinary that night, because she went out with her girlfriend who I believe is a hoe.

My spider senses told me something was up, because I'm very very good at picking up on devious behaviour from chicks.

My finger is always on the trigger & ready to eject!

I would suggest look at the context in the future, you like main stream media right now son.

 

[member162951]

Context my friend.. Please observe context..

I didn't give a dogs chit that she didn't say goodnight to me, I'm a big boy and can handle that.

My issue wasn't that's she didn't say goodnight to me Boohoo.. My issue was that her behaviour was out of the ordinary that night, because she went out with her girlfriend who I believe is a hoe.

My spider senses told me something was up, because I'm very very good at picking up on devious behaviour from chicks.

My finger is always on the trigger & ready to eject!

I would suggest look at the context in the future, you like main stream media right now son.

If that's your version, fine, I have no desire to debate about it. However, I was/am not the only one who interpreted your response the way I did, there were many other posters who thought you needed to chill and regain frame.

 

[soulforge]

If that's your version, fine, I have no desire to debate about it. However, I was/am not the only one who interpreted your response the way I did.

It's not my version dude, it is what it is.. like I said before, context is important.

Do you think I spent 1 hour making that post, making sure every single detail of the situation was included, just incase YOU misunderstood my situation? Fuk no!

Just to clarify.. Her friend was a low quality chick, they went out to the cinema together & my ex simply disappeared for the night.

Most men in an LTR would find that suspicious as fuk.

 

[member162951]

Most men in an LTR would find that suspicious as fuk.

Maybe, maybe not. In any event, keep your suspicions to yourself and play one back at her.
Flip the script and get HER rabbit wheels spinning about what you're up to.

I don't remember the thread exactly but I remember a lot of assumptions were made and you were pretty upset. Put things in proper perspective, it was ONE text she broke pattern in months.

Anyway, nuff said and if I've got it wrong apologies mate, my bad.

 

[soulforge]

Maybe, maybe not. In any event, keep your suspicions to yourself and play one back at her.
Flip the script and get HER rabbitt wheels spinning about what you're up to.

I don't remember the thread exactly but I remember a lot of assumptions were made and you were pretty upset. Put things in proper perspective, it was ONE text she broke pattern in months.

Anyway, nuff said and if I've got it wrong apologies mate, my bad.

Ah okay.. so your chick messages you every single night... She tells you that she is going out with her friend... You don't hear from her all night and you hear nothing from her for the entire following day either, up untill late into the following day.

Only a beta wouldn't find that suspicious.

and I did pay her back.. I didn't chase her, or ask her what she is doing. When she messaged me, I replied back 24 Hours later.