Slipping into AFC mode because I don't want to hurt this woman - thoughts please

[like2jam]

So, I've got this woman totally hooked. I met her off of OKC. She's really into me. Problem is that she's a bit too into me AND she's actually a really nice, sort of awkward innocent type. Also, she's a bit of a clinger. She's pretty cute and is very sexual.

I'm on the fence about her. And the problem is that I'm sorta going AFC, because I know she's recently been hurt from a divorce and I don't want to hurt her again by using her and then bailing. I know that I can have my way with her, no doubt. But it's almost too easy.

The problem is that I really neeeed to get some. It's been too long. I have the opportunity to get busy with her and I'm sure I could have a relationship with her if I want. However, as I mentioned, I'm on the fence a bit and I'm still thinking about other women quite a bit.

So I'm having this struggle within between my alpha self with needs and my nice guy AFC that doesn't want to hurt this already hurt woman.

Thoughts?

 

[user43770]

Just be up front with her. It still may end up bad in the end, but at least you'll have a clear conscience.

 

[plate's_empty]

Just be up front with her. It still may end up bad in the end, but at least you'll have a clear conscience.

Yes, agreed.

Let her know you're dating other people and you're not looking for an exclusive relationship. Do it gently and at the right time. If you don't want to add to the world's problems and turn this girl into a crazy, don't lead her on, especially not someone who's in a vulnerable position. Leave her emotionally stable for the next guy.

You'd be surprised too, most girls respect the fact that you're dating other women. It's okay.

This will also allow you to start acting like a man again (not AFC)

That's my advice.

 

[Bokanovsky]

So, I've got this woman totally hooked. I met her off of OKC. She's really into me. Problem is that she's a bit too into me AND she's actually a really nice, sort of awkward innocent type. Also, she's a bit of a clinger. She's pretty cute and is very sexual.

I'm on the fence about her.

So she's "pretty cute", really nice and sexual but you are on the fence about her? There's something you are not telling us. She's a heavy girl, isn't she?

 

[like2jam]

Good advice so far, thanks.

That's my next challenge. Let her know that I want to take it slow and that I'm not ready for exclusivity ( and that I'm still meeting other women ).

Only thing is that she'll probably want to think that it could lead to being exclusive. So yeah, it's possible that it could end badly. I'll have to wait and see.

 

[like2jam]

So she's "pretty cute", really nice and sexual but you are on the fence about her? There's something you are not telling us. She's a heavy girl, isn't she?

Well, she is a little heavier than I'm used to, but mostly in her butt/hips. Her face is thin and her arms look good. She's got an awesome rack. C cups at least. She's definitely not fat. But... she did slip up in saying that her sisters have gotten fat and that she has avoided this by having a job where she's on her feet. That did concern me a bit, because I would hate to think she'll let herself go in the future. I lose attraction when women gain too much weight. ( I'm a pretty thin guy )

With her, I'm still attracted... at this point.

I'm also a little concerned about her neediness level so soon. But it is nice to have a woman who is really into me more than I'm into her for a change.

 

[Die Hard]

What's happening here is that you're projecting your own vulnerability onto her. Don't get me wrong, she might actually be vulnerable... But deep down, you're not worried about her getting hurt, you're really worried about getting hurt yourself.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT give into the AFC feelings. You are slowly falling for her and developing feelings for her and this is the true reason why you are slowly becoming AFC with her.
Yeah, you are trying to convince yourself that you would just use her for sex and then bail on her, but deep down you know this woman is hitting a soft spot inside of you and you secretly wish to live out childhood romance fantasies with her. Holding hands, being sweet and romantic, getting all warm and fuzzy inside from each other (not in an erotic way but more in a sweet and shy way)...

Keep yourself in check coz if you give into this AFC crap, YOU are gonna get hurt, my friend. Forget about her being vulnerable at the moment, forget about you holding her fate in your hands at the moment, this will all be turned around in the blink of an eye once you allow your AFC side to take over. It will be YOU who's gonna get hurt, instead of the other way around and it will be HER doing it to you, instead of the other way around. Don't be misled by the way things look currently, coz if you do, your ass will get knocked to the floor before you know what hit you and you will find yourself having to recover from an emotional blow.

Furthermore, read up on "cluster B" and "BPD", you are treading on thin ice with this woman...

 

[like2jam]

Are you suggesting she has a cluster B or BP disorder?

 

[Die Hard]

I am suggesting that you get yourself familiar with the habits of such women, as well as the typical interactions that take place between a guy and such women.

Familiarize yourself THOROUGHLY with that information and use it as a guideline through your process with this woman. If you see no parallels, then I'm very happy for you. But if you do see parallels, then you better put very much thought into each and every of your actions with this woman!

It's important to realize the following: When dealing with a BPD/cluster B, guys always try to analyze the woman in order to learn how to deal with her. But in the end, it always comes down to the fact that such women cannot be changed and there simply is no way to deal with them. Therefor, rather than focusing and analyzing HER behavior, guys need to analyze THEMSELVES. Why are you falling for this woman? What chord is she striking inside of you? How does she strike that chord and why is she able to strike it? What makes you vulnerable to her? Why do you get attracted to a woman like her?

Don't focus too much on HER but focus more on what effects she has on you, what happens inside of you, what effect she has on your thoughts and emotions...

 

[PlayHer Man]

I agree with Die Hard 100% if not 1000%.

You must remember that women are only "nice" when they like you. This doesn't make them nice people. I'll bet money this same woman has treated men she didn't like so much like dirt at some point in life. 100% of women have treated a man badly at some point in her life. Yes 100%. Read it again. Because women get constant male attention. Even the ugly ones.

Women never feel bad about hurting men if the man has nothing to offer her. So don't be so sympathetic. She is not some innocent little kitten. Spend enough time with her and you'll find this out for yourself.

And like Die Hard said above... if you protect HER feelings.. it will be at YOUR expense because once you go full AFC she will lose respect for you and start treating you like sh!t (and with no guilt).

I know this response is heavy for the situation but its important to grasp the true nature of your dealings with women.

There are no equal relationships. Someone always comes out ahead. The minute you start going AFC and getting sympathetic and protective --> That's when she has your nuts in her handbag.

REMEMBER --> YOUR happiness is always more important that hers. Always, always, always!!!

 

[like2jam]

Alright thanks for the great replies. I'm going to reread them and think long and hard about this situation. I'm going to take my time here and use this opportunity to fight against falling info AFC mode. This is a great opportunity really.

 

[Die Hard]

Good for you, I hope you can make sense of things. Keep us updated

 

[MatureDJ]

So, I've got this woman totally hooked. I met her off of OKC. She's really into me. Problem is that she's a bit too into me AND she's actually a really nice, sort of awkward innocent type. Also, she's a bit of a clinger. She's pretty cute and is very sexual.

I'm on the fence about her. And the problem is that I'm sorta going AFC, because I know she's recently been hurt from a divorce and I don't want to hurt her again by using her and then bailing. I know that I can have my way with her, no doubt. But it's almost too easy.

The problem is that I really neeeed to get some. It's been too long. I have the opportunity to get busy with her and I'm sure I could have a relationship with her if I want. However, as I mentioned, I'm on the fence a bit and I'm still thinking about other women quite a bit.

So I'm having this struggle within between my alpha self with needs and my nice guy AFC that doesn't want to hurt this already hurt woman.

Thoughts?

I'll try to cut through the BS. She's fat (you said she's pretty cute, so there is no way in hell that she could be slender and you not be interested in her legitimately), and you don't really want to be officially with her in any way because of that. The only reason that you want to bang her is that you are suffering from a very long dry spell, and hence are in the "heart and a hole" mood. You figure that if you were alpha, you would be able to callously pump & dump her - but the little angel on the other shoulder is telling you that you shouldn't.

Whatever you do, WEAR A RAINCOAT! :trouble: There are a ton of fat women (pun somewhat intended) who will try to catch a husband by getting knocked up - then you will be stuck porking a piggie while you raise your fat little kid.

 

[like2jam]

I'll try to cut through the BS. She's fat (you said she's pretty cute, so there is no way in hell that she could be slender and you not be interested in her legitimately), and you don't really want to be officially with her in any way because of that. The only reason that you want to bang her is that you are suffering from a very long dry spell, and hence are in the "heart and a hole" mood. You figure that if you were alpha, you would be able to callously pump & dump her - but the little angel on the other shoulder is telling you that you shouldn't.

Whatever you do, WEAR A RAINCOAT! :trouble: There are a ton of fat women (pun somewhat intended) who will try to catch a husband by getting knocked up - then you will be stuck porking a piggie while you raise your fat little kid.

LOL crackin' me up.

Well, she's definitely not 'slender' and she's definitely not 'fat'. I'd say she has an extra 10 pounds. All of my ex gfs have been slender, so her added weight is unusual for me.
As for kids, she claims she doesn't want any, and never had any with her ex, as far as I know.

Just because a woman is cute, slender and into me doesn't mean that I'm for sure going to want to officially be with her.

We've only been on two dates and she's already pulling some AFC moves of her own that are throwing up flags. She's already overly attached I think. She took down her profile after our last date. I just get the feeling in her head, she's moving way faster than I am. I'm still lining up dates to meet other women, ffs. Plus, there are a couple of hotties that I've met out in the real world that I still want to ask out.

I will definitely wear a rain coat.

 

[Zarky]

So, I've got this woman totally hooked. I met her off of OKC. She's really into me. [...]
I know that I can have my way with her, no doubt. But it's almost too easy.

You've spend enough time with some old coug that she's "really into" you and you haven't yet banged her? WTF? Didn't you get the memo -- cougs get banged on the first date, no excuses.

 

[Warrior74]

Overly attached huh?

I wonder how nice she was to her ex? In my experience, they are always nice in the beginning.

So..you haven't banged yet? you don't know jack about a woman until you know how she acts after you bang her. You're asking questions and going AFC way to early in the game.

http://www.rottenecards.com/ecards/rottenecard_591003199_2ctwjsxmwv.png

 

[like2jam]

No, we haven't gone back to a bed yet. However, we've already done more than make out.

She's already asking me out again today.

As for me, I'm nearing 45 and my life is in a bit of disarray right now. In some ways, I probably shouldn't be dating again yet. But I'm a man and I have needs.
And I'm feeling the pressure of getting older. Options aren't as plentiful as they were 10 years ago.

 

[Warrior74]

No, we haven't gone back to a bed yet. However, we've already done more than make out.

She's already asking me out again today.

As for me, I'm nearing 45 and my life is in a bit of disarray right now. In some ways, I probably shouldn't be dating again yet. But I'm a man and I have needs.
And I'm feeling the pressure of getting older. Options aren't as plentiful as they were 10 years ago.

That's why I'm not dating. I will bang though. No strings attached, I have to much crap in my life to sort out for dating. I've reverted back to college, "come hang out, lets watch a movie" then bang and either go to bed or go to my office to work. I'm not even pretending to date.

 

[WoodB]

No, we haven't gone back to a bed yet. However, we've already done more than make out.

She's already asking me out again today.

As for me, I'm nearing 45 and my life is in a bit of disarray right now. In some ways, I probably shouldn't be dating again yet. But I'm a man and I have needs.
And I'm feeling the pressure of getting older. Options aren't as plentiful as they were 10 years ago.

Let me set you straight. NEVER operate under pressure of "my options aren't as plentiful as they were 10 years ago." You will end up buying a ticket aboard the SS Titanic. There are plenty of men on this board who did just that, me included, who rue the day we got ourselves snookered by some broad. Keep a sharp eye, and don't let any woman take you for a ride.

 

[Lord Hypnos]

let's suppose for a second that you go full out AFC and not have your way with her; after turning her down you will be surprised how fast a girl like that will fall for another guy (just like she fell for you) and offer herself to him (an offer which any other horny guy will quickly pounce on)