Single Mom Lets It Be Known "Her Kids Come First"

[DJVision]

So I have been seeing a single mom of two kids, for around 9 months.

Initially the whole thing began as FB only, however she pushed hard for GF status. I haven't officially given her GF status, as I didn't want to Rush into anything with her.

Everything seemed to be going ok, her behaviour is good towards me, and very little drama.

The only issue was, I am having to make most of the effort of clearing up my schedule, in order to see her.

She has a job and children, therefore we only meet when she can get away.

Couple of days ago, she mentioned going to a concert with her children, however I suggested why she couldn't go another time with them, as I won't be able to be free any other days in the week.

She responded with the.. MY KIDS COME BEFORE EVERYONE SPEECH.

My kids will always come first blah blah blah

Anyway this got me thinking..

I don't have kids of my own, I have a good job, and financially stable.

So far I have made efforts to accommodate her schedule around her kids and work.

She is expecting me to sacrifice the possibility of having children with another woman, so that I can be in a relationship with her.

If I am giving this much to her? Where does she get off, blatantly telling me to my face that I will always be the second option?

What should I do..

01. Dump her?
02. Withdraw attention like I used to give her before, and stop accommodating her with my time, and put her into FB sex only position?

 

[SW15]

You're 48. Most of the women in your dating pool are going to be single moms. You might have a situation where you jump from one single mom to another at your age.

Childless men and single moms are often a poor lifestyle fit.

Do not give her girlfriend status.

Your best play would be to dump her for a childless woman whose lifestyle resembles yours.

 

[DJVision]

You're 48. Most of the women in your dating pool are going to be single moms. You might have a situation where you jump from one single mom to another at your age.

Childless men and single moms are often a poor lifestyle fit.

Do not give her girlfriend status.

Your best play would be to dump her for a childless woman whose lifestyle resembles yours.

I tend to date girls younger than me, this one is 33 years old.

Overall she hasn't been a bad chick, however blatantly telling me that I am not a priority, her kids are the priority, makes me feel like, why the fvk should I even invest in this woman? Just so that she can remind me, of my position from time to time.

 

[BPH]

So I have been seeing a single mom of two kids, for around 9 months.

Initially the whole thing began as FB only, however she pushed hard for GF status. I haven't officially given her GF status, as I didn't want to Rush into anything with her.

Everything seemed to be going ok, her behaviour is good towards me, and very little drama.

The only issue was, I am having to make most of the effort of clearing up my schedule, in order to see her.

She has a job and children, therefore we only meet when she can get away.

Couple of days ago, she mentioned going to a concert with her children, however I suggested why she couldn't go another time with them, as I won't be able to be free any other days in the week.

She responded with the.. MY KIDS COME BEFORE EVERYONE SPEECH.

My kids will always come first blah blah blah

Anyway this got me thinking..

I don't have kids of my own, I have a good job, and financially stable.

So far I have made efforts to accommodate her schedule around her kids and work.

She is expecting me to sacrifice the possibility of having children with another woman, so that I can be in a relationship with her.

If I am giving this much to her? Where does she get off, blatantly telling me to my face that I will always be the second option?

What should I do..

01. Dump her?
02. Withdraw attention like I used to give her before, and stop accommodating her with my time, and put her into FB sex only position?

I just saw your other reply.

You're 48, no kids, good job, and landed a much younger woman. I don't see why you'd continue entertaining this one if she's catching an attitude.

Between your 2 options, I don't think you can go back, so I'd just stop seeing her (you're not dating so not really "dumping") and put your time and effort into more appreciative women.

 

[BeExcellent]

I have some thoughts on this from the ladies' locker room. And I get it. My second husband is 48, no children of his own and this is his first marriage. I'm going to lunch with a girlfriend shortly but will share some thoughts afterwards.

One important thing is the age of her children. How old are they? I expect that if she is 33 that her kids may be quite young. I had my children in my 30s, and my older 2 are adults now but the youngest is a 16 year old daughter who lives with us. There are a few things I cannot compromise on regarding my daughter. We live where we do for the best school district in our area in a nice house. I am not moving house until my daughter finishes high school. My husband was aware this was non-negotiable before we married. Other than that I generally put him first but at times I cannot.

As an adult in the relationship you must try to understand something you do not have a frame of reference for. Her children are innocents regarding the domestic situation they are in. She has a serious responsibility and obligation to the children. She knows that and takes motherhood seriously. That is good. You are neither a responsibility or obligation in the same way as things currently stand. It is what it is.

How old are her kids? That will make a great deal of difference. Looking after a 4 year old is completely different than a 16 year old.

 

[Bokanovsky]

So I have been seeing a single mom of two kids, for around 9 months.

Initially the whole thing began as FB only, however she pushed hard for GF status. I haven't officially given her GF status, as I didn't want to Rush into anything with her.

Everything seemed to be going ok, her behaviour is good towards me, and very little drama.

The only issue was, I am having to make most of the effort of clearing up my schedule, in order to see her.

She has a job and children, therefore we only meet when she can get away.

Couple of days ago, she mentioned going to a concert with her children, however I suggested why she couldn't go another time with them, as I won't be able to be free any other days in the week.

She responded with the.. MY KIDS COME BEFORE EVERYONE SPEECH.

There is nothing wrong in principle with a woman putting her children's interests first. In fact, you would expect that from a responsible parent of either gender. She's 33, so her children must be quite young and demand a lot of attention.

There is, however, something seriously wrong with you since you appear to be seriously entertaining the idea of making this woman your girlfriend. It's one thing to bang a single mom when you're going through a dry spell and lack better prospects. It's something else entirely to become involved in a serious relationship with one. Women are predatory creatures. If she senses weaknesses and thinks that she can pressure/manipulate you into sacrificing your own interests for the sake of herself and her children, she'll have no qualms about doing it. But why on earth would you want to subject yourself to this?

If I were you, I'd straight up tell her that a committed relationship is completely off the table.

 

[DJVision]

I have some thoughts on this from the ladies' locker room. And I get it. My second husband is 48, no children of his own and this is his first marriage. I'm going to lunch with a girlfriend shortly but will share some thoughts afterwards.

One important thing is the age of her children. How old are they? I expect that if she is 33 that her kids may be quite young. I had my children in my 30s, and my older 2 are adults now but the youngest is a 16 year old daughter who lives with us. There are a few things I cannot compromise on regarding my daughter. We live where we do for the best school district in our area in a nice house. I am not moving house until my daughter finishes high school. My husband was aware this was non-negotiable before we married. Other than that I generally put him first but at times I cannot.

As an adult in the relationship you must try to understand something you do not have a frame of reference for. Her children are innocents regarding the domestic situation they are in. She has a serious responsibility and obligation to the children. She knows that and takes motherhood seriously. That is good. You are neither a responsibility or obligation in the same way as things currently stand. It is what it is.

How old are her kids? That will make a great deal of difference. Looking after a 4 year old is completely different than a 16 year old.

Her kids are 8 years old and 12 years old.

I totally understand a woman prioritising her kids, but when it's blatantly thrown in my face like that, I can't help but let it bother me.

I'm in a position where I am required to make most of the sacrifices.

01. Not seeing eachother very often due to her kids

02. Not spending New Year together

03.I have to see her when it's most suitable to her, or we can't meet up.

04. She expects me to only see her, and give her a relationship, therefore giving up the opportunity to be with a childless girl.

Feels really of me, to give her all that, just to be told that am not her priority, her kids always will be.

 

[SW15]

Dump her and start fresh elsewhere. You are doing well with dating if you can get substantially younger women. The typical 45-50 year old man is a pussie beggar for over-the-hill women near his own age.

 

[DJVision]

There is nothing wrong in principle with a woman putting her children's interests first. In fact, you would expect that from a responsible parent of either gender. She's 33, so her children must be quite young and demand a lot of attention.

There is, however, something seriously wrong with you since you appear to be seriously entertaining the idea of making this woman your girlfriend. It's one thing to bang a single mom when you're going through a dry spell and lack better prospects. It's something else entirely to become involved in a serious relationship with one. Women are predatory creatures. If she senses weaknesses and thinks that she can pressure/manipulate you into sacrificing your own interests for the sake of herself and her children, she'll have no qualms about doing it. But why on earth would you want to subject yourself to this?

If I were you, I'd straight up tell her that a committed relationship is completely off the table.

I think you are right man.

I really know I will waste many years on a woman like this, only to be discarded at some point.

Prior to this incident, because she was treating me well, I was simply going along with all this.. However this incident has been a wake up call, and made me realise that I don't gain anything out of this in the long run!

 

[SW15]

Bro, not everything is "dump her", dumping her doesn't go to the root cause that caused the dumping. Its like getting fired from a job and then saying "fvck it, I'll find a new job" without fixing what caused the person to get fired in the first place.

Dating isn't analogous to employment status. In white collar, a lot of terminations are mass corporate layoffs where the employee did nothing wrong but the company is fuccked from bad upper management. The laid off employee is the scapegoat for inept management.

There are cases where people are fired for cause (some violation, poor performance) but those seem less common in white collar. That's more of a blue collar/service sector thing.

 

[BPH]

@BPH, let's say woman "A" tells you she can't see you that day cause she got plans, would you tell her "Go another day, this is the only day I have to see you?" Or you'll be like "Ok, have fun" and then go on about your day and making plans for that day?

I know the answer, but please, reply so new guys know how not being needy for a woman.

Option B, unless you made plans with her BEFORE she made the plans where she now can't see you. That would just be disrespectful and not worth a reply. Otherwise, remain unbothered and do something else with someone else.

The issue I foresee (among the obvious that come with dating a single mom) is where she puts her foot down and gives him the "my children come before everyone speech". That's just a sign of things to come.

And to some extent, I understand; these are her biological children, and OP is just some guy she's been f***ing for a little under a year. They're also old enough to attend a concert, leading me to believe they're probably 10+ years old, meaning she likely had them at a young age and may not make the wisest life decisions.

Either way, I don't think I could ever seriously date a single mom - not being able to discipline bad behavior because I had the kid and the mom reminding me that I'm not their "real dad" puts you in a losing position every time.

 

[SW15]

They're also old enough to attend a concert, leading me to believe they're probably 10+ years old, meaning she likely had them at a young age and may not make the wisest life decisions.

OP mentioned her kids are 8 and 12 and she's 33. She had her first kid at 21. 21 is peak fertility age for a woman. However, in recent decades, the trend has been to postpone childbirth until later.

I don't think I could ever seriously date a single mom - not being able to discipline bad behavior because I had the kid and the mom reminding me that I'm not their "real dad" puts you in a losing position every time.

I can't either. As a childless man, the lifestyle of a single mom is way too different from my mom. I can only date childless women who have a similar lifestyle to my own. This would help us connect better.

I don't want to deal with what you describe here or what the OP describes as the challenges in his first post.

 

[Gamisch]

One thing we don't like to say is that after a certain age you gotta come to term with certain things.

One of them is that the wonen you get involved with will have kids. Maybe the following comes naturally to me as I am a father, but kids ALWAYS come first!!! If I have to sacrifice myself for a child I don't even know I will, let's say someone attacks a child. I will jump and protect , or even scold if necessary.

How can she just reschedule a concert??? I don't wanna call you names, but it does sound like you are focusing on "just that p00sy ". And hey, I get that..buy this is simply part of the game when you date a mother.

You can eject, but as usual there will be a reason why you didn't already..just adjust your behaviour and show more appreciation to her kids. Or leave.

 

[Gamisch]

Great, you didn't comprehend my point.


This is whining and complaining, men don't complain, they take action.

Your mind is fvcked up, you're focused on having a label and having someone by your side, this is again needy and codependent behavior.

When you date somebody, you go there to give without expecting something in return. You should take a couple of years off dating to work on your wrong mental models, the books I recommended you will help, but you gotta put in action. I was like you, your situation is not unique, most men are like that, but its fixable by any man who wants to fix it

A real man isn't afraid to be around kids.

Women = kids. You gotta be able to stand your ground and also actually enjoy them being around.

Might as well let out some " fatherly energy " and surprise them with a small gift now and then, because his chance to become a father are slim to none at this age.

Be human

 

[BPH]

Exactly.

Do you really think this guy has some chance of dating a hot single girl when they have options everywhere and all the free time, with that mindset? The first sign of neediness from his part, he will get the boot.

I agree he has some things he should be working on and that he shouldn't dead this relationship just to jump into another one.

But I do think he should leave this one, regardless.

 

[Gamisch]

I'm pointing this out because I know many men like you specifically. Women have discarded you in the past, you've done everyhting for them and they all have discarded you. The moment you start accepting this was your fault and leave the ego aside, will be moment you start getting what you want in relationships. Good luck man



Agree, but everything has to be done with pure heart, and not with the hidden agenda that "If I do this, she will love me forever"

As we age certain things are more important than others.

If OP and his gf were 25 it mightve been a different story. In that case the kids are probably young and there a chance that not all feeling regarding the BD are resolved yet.

But now..they are together for a year. He accepted her and thus her kids so MAN UP and own that decision.

Just saw a video in my feed about a woman demanding that her date put her before his daughter...look how it sounds when you turn the tables. It sounds ridiculous.

 

[Manure Spherian]

Her kids are 8 years old and 12 years old.

I totally understand a woman prioritising her kids, but when it's blatantly thrown in my face like that, I can't help but let it bother me.

I'm in a position where I am required to make most of the sacrifices.

01. Not seeing eachother very often due to her kids

02. Not spending New Year together

03.I have to see her when it's most suitable to her, or we can't meet up.

04. She expects me to only see her, and give her a relationship, therefore giving up the opportunity to be with a childless girl.

Feels really of me, to give her all that, just to be told that am not her priority, her kids always will be.

She has not put anything on you. You have put something on you considering you are free to go and find a childless woman.

 

[DJVision]

I just saw your other reply.

You're 48, no kids, good job, and landed a much younger woman. I don't see why you'd continue entertaining this one if she's catching an attitude.

Between your 2 options, I don't think you can go back, so I'd just stop seeing her (you're not dating so not really "dumping") and put your time and effort into more appreciative women.

Yeh I think I will need to break it off with her.. I have some excuses at hand, that I can use to avoid seeing her for the next 2-3 weeks, in that time I will simply pull the plug.

No lie, she has been a good chick to me so far, however this recent stunt from here, puts me in a very difficult spot, which I don't think I can pull back from.

 

[DJVision]

To be honest, in the 9 months of seeing her, I have never ONCE expected or asked her to change any plans for me.

Infact 99% of all reaching out to meet up, has always been initiated by her, as she understands that I am not the type to put all the effort in, neither have we agreed that we are in a relationship together.

I have taken things slow with her, due to some other red flags. She has several male friends, and this hasn't always sat well with me.. She decided to drop the male friends, not because I asked her to, but she just understood that she will never get an LTR from me otherwise.

She does have some good qualities.. However all that being said, I do not want to LTR a girl, who will forever remind me that her kids come before me!

There will be other times, when it comes to planning dates, or breaks or holidays, where she will choose her kids over me (which is okay) however when she verbalises it to me? It feels demeaning.

I feel like the guy who makes sacrifices, but is often reminded he is NOT the priority.

Why even make fukin sacrifices?

I totally understand a woman should make her kids the priority, but when she verbalises it, it's kinda fvkin annoying.

 

[DJVision]

She has not put anything on you. You have put something on you considering you are free to go and find a childless woman.

That's a fair point.