Silence In Groups & The Lost Art Of Conversation

[Heisenberg]

The other day my coworkers, including my boss, all wanted to go for drinks after work. I could've gone either way on this, but the others seemed really keen to go.

We get to the restaurant and sit around the table. Then... Silence. Our server hadn't come for our drink order yet. When she did, it was such a relief. But then more silence as we waited for drinks to arrive. I hoped the liquor would liven everybody up, but in the meanwhile this opportunity for us to all socialize - that everybody there but me was so eager to do - was everyone just sitting there awkwardly.

On dates I am more than comfortable with silence. In a group, where everyone is looking at each other with a look of desperation in their eyes - like please god say something! - I can't help myself. I bring up a topic. Sometimes it's about work because that's obviously what we have in common, sometimes I try something else. When the others won't do any heavy lifting in the conversation and that topic dies, it's back to silence until I bring something else up.

What this does is turn me into a kind of babbling court jester and I hate it. I like to sit back and listen, ask people questions, and chime in with a well-timed one liner here and there. But that night I felt like some kind of gossipy teen, all because nobody would have said a word if I didn't repeatedly stoke the conversational fires.

Now here's the thing: I really admire my boss. He is a serious man. He is direct when he speaks and only speaks when he needs to. Great presence. Obvious leader. I thought he might take control of the group, but he was as silent as anyone else. I'd like to be that comfortable when sitting around a table with a bunch of people I don't know all that well and I don't like to be the court jester, but everyone else was so boring, like they wanted someone else to take the lead.

Feedback? Advice?

 

[FairShake]

I think you did what you had to do.

I will play the fool to get people involved in having a good time. It loosens them up alot seeing me be "ultra loose."

Hopefully it worked. If not you probably don't have a very cohesive group. It happens.

 

[sylvester the cat]

there's never a quiet moment with my colleagues as there is always someone in that office to b1tch about.

 

[Mike32ct]

I think the group was intimidated because the boss was around. If the boss left early, you would hear plenty of gossip.

 

[Heisenberg]

I think the group was intimidated because the boss was around. If the boss left early, you would hear plenty of gossip.

That's not really the vibe at our work, but even if it was there could have at least been work talk. Like, we're at a table. Chatting and drinking is pretty much the agenda. Why doesn't anyone speak?

I went to a party later that night and encountered sort of the same thing, but I at least didn't have to do all the work. I was standing in a group of 3-4 people and we're all friendly acquaintance-types, our mutual friend was out of the room, and there we are, at a party, and we're all standing around in a circle waiting for someone to drive the conversation train. At least with these guys, they always enthusiastically responded to whatever I started talking about and they were pretty good at taking the ball and running. But as soon as that topic had exhausted, no one even attempted to segue into a new topic or keep the conversation alive.

What I'm sensing is that a lot of people are awkward and they look to people like me who, despite being naturally introverted and posting on SoSuave to ask for advice on everyday social situations, at least presents as a sociable, high-value guy. I don't mind that, what I do mind is that the result is me speaking way more than I'd like to and having to be "on" more than I'd like to. If I talk too much I'm prone to rambling and moving my hands a lot and that kind of nervous energy. If I can listen and add to the conversation only when I have something valuable to contribute, I put off a much more calm, cool and collected - maybe even mysterious - vibe.

If there's one thing I hate, it's people being in social situations and having their iphone glued to their face. But I gotta tell ya, I see where they're coming from. In the situations I'm describing, I would like to just mindlessly look at my phone just because I don't know where I should look when standing around awkwardly.

 

[Tortendieb]

I hate being that guy, but if it happens I'll just ask my boss about his kids, etc. Anything that will draw a 1-3 min convo out of them. Once 2 people are talking in the group, the rest will feel left out and fall in line, forming pairs that are talking.

Another route is picking the weakest guy in the group and forcing him into a personal conversation. Because he's weak, you can dominate him into continuing a convo even though he's not motivated. Again, after 2 min the rest of the group will have started convo as well. Good thing about this is that you can leave the weak guy whenever you want; around your boss you'd have to be more respectful.

Once everyone is babbling, you can let your own convo run dry, lay back and chime in somewhere else. Once everybody is in the mood, you can start actually having fun