Sick of it all

[gav]

rant:
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I'm sitting here at 3.40, just in from a night out at the clubs. Today has probably been the loneliest of my life. Not that i didn't hang out with or meet lots of people, but i feel that there is no closeness with anybody else in my life. Even with my family, i don't feel close enough to them.
Yeh i see them everyday and talk now and then, but i can't even look folk like my dad or brother in the eyes - don't know why.
Whenever i'm out i've always got this frontal image on portraying me as the happy outgoing guy (which is true to a certain extent), but i can't pretend that everything's alright in my life. My friends are not really friends; they're aquaintances (that's how they feel to me) - we're just not that close.
i mean i see people around me with their friends and they seem to get on so much better than i do with my my "mates".
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sorry for the rant guys. basic question:

how do i get closeness with people in my life?




and one more question:

can someone please give me a response for when your friends that you're out with introduce you to every girl as

"this is gay gav"

my response is "he's been using that line all night to try to pick me up" but they wouldn't fvcking stop it

cheers, gav

 

[Ridingthelightning]

If you're the guy in the group that usually gets the girl then they might be trying to take you down a notch, which is understandable. That comeback is good enough I think.
The lack of feeling close to someone is a somewhat mutual. I found that i didn't feel close to many people because i, myself, am a loner. But also because I was changing and I no longer enjoyed being around a certain group of people.

 

[neobrood]

I'm sitting here at 3.40, just in from a night out at the clubs. Today has probably been the loneliest of my life. Not that i didn't hang out with or meet lots of people, but i feel that there is no closeness with anybody else in my life. Even with my family, i don't feel close enough to them.

Man... this sure rings a bell.

I can relate to what you are saying. Yeah. I can't talk to my parents because WE ALWAYS FIGHT whenever we get to talk to one another. For chrissake... we only see each other once a week and when we meet together, there is always tension

And with my buddies... I still have this empty feeling with them. As if they're only there to kill time and make my life a bit more interesting... so that I will not be consumed by boredom. I feel that they can die anytime or I can die too and nobody will give a fvck at all...

My cousins... um... I dunno what they're up to anymore. No communication at all. I know that I have cousins that I am unaware of their existence...

Yes. Acquaintances... thats as close as we'll prolly get...

Since you said "mates", I assume you're British... But here's whats more embarrassing:
As an asian man, it is part of our culture to have closer ties with family and friends. But what about me?!? wtf!!! why am I not close to anybody?!?

At least, I understand that westernized (and I'm not westernized. I spend 17 yrs of my life in Manila)people tend to be more distant to one another. omg... how can you call your parents or older siblings by the first name? I find that rude... how can you just speak to a teacher as if he is at your level? How can you just send your parents to the home for the aged when they grow old?


um... I ranted too...

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

Gav, if you are not close to you parents at the age of 18 there is little we can do for you here since family ties/closeness is formed when you are a child. Unless you suggest activities to do with one another to bring you together.

Relationships only form and develop to the extent that they are nourished by both parties - find hobbies/organizations where others have the same interests and thinking and passions as you. Commonalities form closeness.

If you are a religious/spiritual person, go visit a church/mosque/synagogue and develop close ties with others of the same faith.

 

[Caveman]

Originally posted by gav
and one more question:

can someone please give me a response for when your friends that you're out with introduce you to every girl as

"this is gay gav"

Your response is good enough. The fact that you are annoyed about it though will make them saying it over and over just to annoy you. Start to really not give a sh!t and you won't care whether they stop or not.

"Yeah well.. he's been fantasizing about me, don't be too hard on him.." (say it in a C&F kinda way instead of being annoyed.

or

"Yeah.. I'm gay gav.. nice to meet you" *smile* (don't explain, don't try and fight the comment and see what happens. Try this at least a couple of times just to see what happens. Very likely that the girl won't believe it anyway OR try to turn you into a straight man.

 

[Caveman]

On the point of feeling lonely:

It is hard to find someone you really connect with. Imo, there are very few people you can get really close to. Most people think others always have many good friends and all of that. The fact is: If they are down in the dumps, people will start running from them. They are only aquaintances too.

Don't go out and search for someone to be close to. Be yourself and be really interested in others. You might find that you may have judged some people the wrong way.

 

[FratAndDiddy]

hey gav, i think what youre feeling is typical for a man your age.
i believe youre not sure what you are going to do with the rest of your life and it affects your attitude at the moment.

here in the US, some kids who feel lost and want to improve themselves join the military. it may not help you with the chickies, but it may help you seek a career youre interested in and it builds your self confidence.

joining a church may help you. church members don't criticize you by introducing you as gay (straight churches anyways).

here you can seek a student loan and try your hand at college.

maybe you don't feel close to your family cause you are not seeking self-improvement. i don't know this, but sounds like youre stuck in a rut and need a boost in life.

doen't sound like your group of friends are helping ya much. maybe its time for a change.

 

[Hamaraz]

Stop being a girl.

 

[Hollowpoint]

I can't afford the operation.

 

[Niq Nova The Mighty]

Yeah, I'm gonna have to agree with Frat, your group of friends aren't too friendly. I'd say it's time to find new people to spend time with. The skills you learn here can also be used in every day events, not just picking up girls. It helps greatly with communication skills as well, so it should be easy to get new friends. Friends that are actual friends.

 

[Hollowpoint]

I was discussing this thread with another person online....
And I just remembered "my" "comebacks."


I can say (i actually do this) "I'm only gay on weekends" or "I'm only gay if I get paid to be"

Got to get the wink in there as well as some kino.

 

[ScrewIt]

i understand how you feel bro.

Im somewhat close to my family, but im not completely, but sometimes i find myself to be selfish and put my needs before them.

Most of my friends are actually acquaintances. This guy who's supposed to be a best friend, we hang out once in awhile on weekends, that's usually when me or him call each other up.

Those acquantances i hang out w/on fridays, there's this 1 guy in the group that tries to make me look bad such as your scenario.
such as "c'mon it's ScrewIt what'd you expect?"
usually i dont respond or just say.."yea whatever.." it's probably not the best response, but i should think of something better.

I'm somewhat of a loner, so sometimes, i can actually enjoy myself by having some alone time. or if i wanna have some fun and hang out w/ppl i will call them up.

but yea i know how you feel, many times i envy the closeness that ppl have with their friends/family. Maybe in reality i actually feel lonely. Maybe that's why my scholarship advisor keeps pointing out that im hiding something (possibly i act fake but dont realize it?) and many times i look like im thinking deep about something.

This is possibly the nature of the loner.

I believe you can get closeness w/ppl by opening yourself to them, dont close yourself to others who may want to be open with you. But you'll also have to invest time in building that type of relationship.

but dont let this get to you or bring you down. i've never let this affect me negatively as probably it's not that important so it doesnt bother me. Just enjoy yourself.
Some loners actually enjoy being loners.

 

[isotope]

if your friends introduce you like that, dont let them introduce you anymore.

YOU be the one introducing yourself, and then introduce your friends (this is Paul. He's dying of AIDS so we thought wed take him out to have a good time.)

also, just break off from your friends. Go introduce yourself to another group of hotter girls and let them piss off

 

[dig it]

Gav you probably feel down about it right?

And you probably have a lot of negative thoughts happening in your brain right now, right?

There is a lot going on.

Well you have to stop the negative thoughts first up. Each time one pops up, shoot it down and dont think negatively about it.

You must think positive to be positive.

Also, take an interest in what people are doing around you, ask questions about things to the people around you, about what they are interested in, or what the topic is. Be positive about things and take a real interest. And be easy about it to, dont come off as a sucker or a wimp or loser. Understand that people in life around you have their own interests, just as you have yours.

Maybe you are just going through a quiet time, and thats ok, nothing wrong with that.

If you want to feel close to your familiy and friends then you need to reconnect with them. at 18, man, you have probably gone through a lot of change recently in your body development as a person, therefore, things from the past that you were in to may not be as relevant to you now.

Take up a new hobby or activity, take up lots, ones physical and others intellectual like reading, etc, sports, anything you like, meet new people who share the same interests and then tell your family and friends about them. This will help to make you more active in your own life.

The above stuff i first spoke about is your mindset. Get that right. Positive, life is good to those who are not chicken and who just grab the bull by the horns and take what they like, because man if you dont take it, no one else is going to give it to you. Be good to yourself first and foremost.

Secondly, i went into reasons why and how you can view other people better to improve yourself. You probably used to do it, and its probably due to a lot of normal change.

Thirdly, i went into what you can do for yourself so other people get interested in you and view you better.

Now what not to do.

Dont argue with people. Dont put people down. Dont make personal attacks on people. Never use the words "never" or "always". stand up for yourself and have respect for yourself while not pushing people away.


Ok.
If you hired a manager to run your life, would u have fired that manager long ago?

If your life was a car, would the car be nearly wrecked by now?

Just goes to show, if you look at yourself from the outside, you get a good perspective. Be good to yourself and acheive in all things that you can, and live life to the fullest....man, and you will find that people will be DRAWN to you. And do what you like with yourself too, if you need new friends get new friends, whatever, and always feel comfortable and cool doing whatever you want to do. You owe no one nothing when it comes to your person.

Also as time goes on, things that go badish like this can take some time to heal, dont expect things to dramatically change right away. It'll take this new attitude from you over a long period of time (many months even) to see a dramatic change. Stick at it. Feel proud to be alive and taste all that life has to give, and the possibility to take and taste is endless.

Good luck

 

[dig it]

Perhaps i should tell you too what makes people want to know you.

All the good things man.

To get people to hang with you, some of the things: be happy, fun, humourous, on the same wavelength as them, exciting, interesting and charismatic (to be charismatic, the most important thing you'll need to take control of yourself, be a leader, be inspirational, you'll be able to get people to do things while not coming across as as over dominant or agressive or demanding).

some very helpful tips:

When you meet people, they are generally either happy or sad. Naturally people try and match the mood of the other person, so if they say "HI" in a careless offhanded manner, you will naturally respond in the same way "Oh Hi. Yeh whatever." Any conversation goes after that along the stream that you set up to begin with. This has been happening all your life for as long as you can remember. And in situations more complex than the example i gave you and with a wider variety of emotions, etc.

It works both ways too. Your appearance and your mannerisms will effect your interactions with people.

When you talk to someone and they reply back to you, they will either like what you had to say and try and respond with something you prefer, or they will do the opposite and respond with something you dont prefer. So as the conversation builds you get 'points' so to speak along this line. Anything that is good, you get 'points' varying in value and anything that is bad you get points taken from you.

Remember everyone is actually aiming toward the goal of making themselves feel better when they have an interaction with someone. They follow and hang around peope who make them feel good, and avoid those who dont.

Therfore, it goes to say, the following.

The most important things about people.

1. People fear rejection first and foremost.
2. People long for acceptance.
3. Even some people who you think are great can be shallow at times. Everyone has flaws.
4. People wear a social mask. You need to look beyond the mask.
5. People will look at you with favour if you can relate to them and their interests. This validates what they think is great in life and they will want to be around you. (remember acceptance? we want to be told indirectly and directly that what we are about is good). Alternitively if you dont relate well to peoples interests and them, they will avoid you.

Looking at that list, i think you are the same as everyone else.

Be patient, never get angry, dont get clingy, dont force yourself onto people, be cool and calm, develop better body language that shows confidence and self esteem, always wear a smile where applicable, never look down at your feet. Stay busy in your own life, goto the gym, run, excercise. Watch comedy, the news, movies, sport.

Life and friends and talking to people is a paradox. The more you do it, the less you will be valued. Keep the balance between them and you.

So if you are making yourself happy, then why would you need anyone else around to make you more happy? You wouldn't really. But we do, because we are social creatures. We need others to validate us. Its always been like that for reasons found in other posts.
Be the best you can be, and others will notice in time. You need to notice them too, remember. But look to yourself first before you look to others.

And then watch them become attracted to you like moths to a lightbulb

 

[dig it]

And to round it all off.

You need to take responsibility for your own actions. If you did it, you own it. If you have a problem its yours, no one elses.

And life rewards action man. Someone very wise told me that. You got to make plans then follow them out. You have to commit to a new attitude then really live it.

This way, apart from it being moralistically correct, you will always strive to improve yourself as a person.

You are young, so people make mistakes and are not achieving to their full potential in all areas. The quest for improvement never ends.

at 18 i was a lot different to how i am at 24. big time. and i will be different again when i hit 30 and 50 and 80.

life is change. But take control and change for the better. Dont go skimp on yourself. And dont cop crud from other people unless its constructive.

 

[EternalBachelor]

Excellent post dig it!! You are a very wise man.

Hi gav. Lots of men feel like this. Most men in only have a few real friends in their lives, people who they open up to and can share anything with. Most of your friends will be compartmentalised: people you work with, people you go clubbing with, people you play sports with etc. and the friendship doesn't extend past that.

So don't feel bad about what you are feeling.

Regarding the gay gav thing, that sounds like jealousy to me. Try not to let it bother you. Talk to them and tell your friends that you would prefer it if they didn't introduce you as that. If they don't listen then they are not real friends, so dump them. A good comeback line like yours works.