shyness issue ?

[picard]

how do you guys overcome shyness in approaching women?

 

[backbreaker]

the same way overcome anything else in life, practice and sticktoitiveness

There is no magic pill or phrase. Just got to get out there and bust some heads.

Go out and get rejected 100 times. That's very old school right there but it works. and you probably won't get to 100 before you 1. are completely over any fear you have of talking to women and 2. have more numbers and dates than you know what to do with. I did that and I think I made it to like 35 or 40 and by that time I would approach any woman at any time with no fear whatsoever.

 

[Slickster]

Force yourself to talk to strangers everyday. Not just chicks. Everyone.

When you do talk to chicks don't have an agenda (ie. forget about numbers, dates, etc.) Just talk to them for the hell of it.

It doesn't have to be anything special. A few comments here or there. Maybe some full blown conversations will develop. Just don't pressure yourself for any specific result.

Eventually you will lose that shyness.

 

[backbreaker]

Force yourself to talk to strangers everyday. Not just chicks. Everyone.

When you do talk to chicks don't have an agenda (ie. forget about numbers, dates, etc.) Just talk to them for the hell of it.

It doesn't have to be anything special. A few comments here or there. Maybe some full blown conversations will develop. Just don't pressure yourself for any specific result.

Eventually you will lose that shyness.

seriously question..


why?


If I want to sleep with a woman, why pretend like I don't want to? isn't that why we are here in the first place?

You have not not only be okay with talking to people, but you have to be okay with the fact that you are letting women know you want to fvck them. not that bluntly, but don't beat around the bush. the less you beat around the bush the less resistance you get further down the line because you already laid the groundwork of the relationship. we aren't at starbucks on a Thursday night talking because I really want to hear your views on the new North Korean regime, I want to fvck you, that's why we are here.

And yes, it will be very awkward at first and yes you will get rejected. But the more practice you get the better you get at things like picking up on signs, the better you come off at subtly displaying your intentions

Too many guys take what I call the Houston Nutt school of dating, i.e stick around long enough BSing and hope something happens. Somehow you think if you go on 2-3 dates, that she will do something or somehow you magically will end up in the bedroom, and to get to that time, you avoid direct confrontation as long as possible.

I am not saying you should come up to a woman with your **** in your hand with a boom box playing R kelly or anything but, not only is there nothing worng with, you need to get in the habit of letting women know look, i'm not tryhing to be your friend, i am appraoching you becuase i think you are hot and i would like to take you out and if that goes well i want to fvck you. Not only is it okay, women like it. few guys are that bold anymore and it's a turn on, a guy who "knows what he wants" gets the juices wet

Law 28 ​

Enter Action with Boldness ​

If you are unsure of a course of action, do not attempt it. Your doubts and hesitations will infect your execution. Timidity is dangerous: Better to enter with boldness. Any mistakes you commit through audacity are easily corrected with more audacity. Everyone admires the bold; no one honors the timid.​

 

[Slickster]

seriously question..


why?


If I want to sleep with a woman, why pretend like I don't want to?

You have not not only be okay with talking to people, but you have to be okay with the fact that you are letting women know you want to fvck them. not that bluntly, but don't beat around the bush. the less you beat around the bush the less resistance you get further down the line because you already laid the groundwork of the relationship. we aren't at starbucks on a Thursday night talking because I really want to hear your views on the new North Korean regime, I want to fvck you, that's why we are here.

And yes, it will be very awkward at first and yes you will get rejected. But the more practice you get the better you get at things like picking up on signs, the better you come off at subtly displaying your intentions

Too many guys take what I call the Houston Nutt school of dating, i.e stick around long enough BSing and hope something happens. Somehow you think if you go on 2-3 dates, that she will do something or somehow you magically will end up in the bedroom, and to get to that time, you avoid direct confrontation as long as possible.

I am not saying you should come up to a woman with your **** in your hand with a boom box playing R kelly or anything but, not only is there nothing worng with, you need to get in the habit of letting women know look, i'm not tryhing to be your friend, i am appraoching you becuase i think you are hot and i would like to take you out and if that goes well i want to fvck you. Not only is it okay, women like it. few guys are that bold anymore and it's a turn on, a guy who "knows what he wants" gets the juices wet

Sure,

However, I was advising him about getting rid of shyness, not getting laid.

My take on the OP was that he has significant issues with shyness.

I also don't believe there is such a thing as "shyness with women". I bet if the OP looks deeper his issues with shyness have popped up in all areas of his life.

No sense approaching in a sexual state if you don't have the goods to back it up. That would only lead to rejection and more shyness in the future.

Get comfortable in your own skin first, and the women will come (c um) naturally.

Peace

Off to a killer Xmas party!

 

[backbreaker]

slickster,


I'm not tryign to pick on you, but the logic youare using is wrong.

1. he did not say he was shy. he said he was shy approaching women. some of the most dynamic speakers / most talktive guys out there are petrifed of talking to women. being shy or not shy has nothing to do with talking to women.


2. he is not afraid to talk to people. talking to more peole is not going to make it easier to hit his goal which is to talk to women he finds sexually attractive in a sexual manner. you don't get experience doing that by talking to guys at starbucks.

my business partner when I had my firsat company, could get up (and has) in front of a group of 40-50 year old wealthy venture capiastlist and give a presentation and was so petrified of women he was hiring girls just to date them.

one has absoutly nothing to do with the other.

 

[Colossus]

Overcoming shyness? It's probably part of your personality. That doesnt mean it's unchangeable, but it isnt going to go away overnight, or in a week, or even a month.

1. Put yourself in situations where you are forced to talk to women. Like clubs or rec sports, that sort of thing.
2. Have female friends. Seriously.
3. Approach. Start with one a week, then two, then three. After a handful you'll be like "hey, this isnt so bad". They are just female humans.

Being big, muscular, or good looking didnt change my shyness much. Hell I was still a raging AFC when I was in great shape and getting ample female attention. You have to do and keep doing.

 

[Slickster]

slickster,


I'm not tryign to pick on you, but the logic youare using is wrong.

No worries BB hopefully you won't think I'm picking on you!

Let me tell you a story....

In my early days at sosuave I was very inspired by many of the Bootcamps that were taking place on the forums. I wanted to participate but I was already way beyond that point and doing well with the ladies.

What I did was set out to conquer something that had plagued me my entire life which was shyness. At that point in my life I had already come a LONG way but still in certain situations I would find myself almost paralyzed by it. I would eject from certain scenarios and completely avoid others even though I was OK doing the exact same thing just the day before. My shyness was almost like a cold or virus and it would attack me when I was least expecting it. It drove me nuts how I could become so introverted at any random moment. I used to chalk it up to being moody.

One day I challenged myself to start my own "Approach Bootcamp". I didn't record anything formally or set any specific goals. I just forced myself to approach strangers every single day. I didn't care who it was. Chicks, dudes, young, old, UGs, grannies, groups, whoever. I just started conversations with new people all the time. When I was having a shy moment I would kick myself in the a$$ and force myself to approach more.

Over time what I found was that when it came to approaching chicks when I didn't have any sort of agenda I was so much more natural and comfortable. I would be cool, funny, suave, and be gone without any attempt to pick up. It was awesome! I remember a quote from the movie Hitch. Something like "be amazing, and be gone." That was essentially my motto even though I hadn't even seen that movie yet.

Eventually without even trying I was getting numbers, dates, and signs of high interest all the time. Some chicks would give me their number or ask me out on a date without any prompting at all. The confidence boost this gave me was tremendous. I would run into chicks I had talked to previously and they would literally go out of their way to talk to me again. I can remember one girl running across the street and almost getting hit by a car.

I became so good at talking to strangers that I may have gone a little overboard. Sometimes friends would get uncomfortable if I started conversations with strangers. I had completely lost ANY fear of awkward moments and my shyness was conquered for good.

Nowadays my friends would probably describe me as a guy without fear or maybe a guy with huge balls of steel. You can throw me into any social situation and I will do well. Chuck me into a room full of strangers and I can point out rather quickly who the people are who have insecurity/shyness issues based on how they react to me. Once on a dare in a restaurant, I got up from our table and approached a table of about a dozen women. It took me about 5 minutes for them to invite me to sit down and another 10 or so for them to invite my entire table of buddies over as well.

The way I've been able to do these things is by teaching myself how to talk to strangers and not just focusing on women. That bootcamp I did literally changed my life. The skills I learned have opened many doors and changed my outlook on seduction.


I read all the same stuff about putting yourself in a sexual frame and not being afraid to show that to women. (I agree.) I also read on these forums that if you don't do this you are in danger of ending up in the dreaded friendzone. It all makes sense "in theory" but my real life experiences are very mixed and different. Back in my "shy guy" days approaching women would be very tough. Putting myself out there "sexually" was simply not an option.

It seems like so many guys are looking for some kind of "magic" that is going to push them over the hump with women. In my experience it was simple good ol' fashioned social skills. Mix those skills with some seduction theory and you can be downright unstoppable!

Don't just focus on charming women. Charm everyone, and watch what happens.

 

[Scaramouche]

Dear Picard,
I think there is a gene for Shyness,it is perhaps an exaggerated sense of consideration for others feelings,certainly a fear of rejection....I agree with Collossus on the difficulty of overcoming it.....Even when one does develop a carapace of bravado it is still there,and a relapse is eventually bound to recurr...confidence can often just be a veneer that slips off like a Ladies Dancing gloves.

 

[Buddha_Mind]

Don't just focus on charming women. Charm everyone, and watch what happens.

I agree with that statement. Slick -- I can identify a lot with what you have described here. I definitely have had major social anxiety issues in my life but through constant work and cognitive retraining (purposefully placing myself in uncomfortable situations) I have made great progress and can speak in front of most people without anxiety. But every once and awhile still, maybe a few times a week, I get a bit of resurfacing at times and have to sort of get my mind back in the right place--at the end of the day I feel better when I say 'who cares what the hell others think?' -- this genuinely helps me. Not to be a d!ck and be dismissive of people, but rather, the less stock I put in others acceptance of me, the better -- accepting oneself is the most important thing.

OP -- I think it really is about practice and exposure. You can't expect to feel easy talking to women or anyone overnight, it takes time and placing yourself in situations. I know for myself that times in my life where I go more introverted, it's harder to talk to just about everyone. Times where I am more extroverted throughout my day -- reaching out to the people around me -- it's easier to talk to everyone, women included.

And having other females I interact with, whom I'm not sexually interested in, also makes it easier to interact with women whom I am interested in when the time arrives.

Just today to challenge myself, I could feel the eyes of the chick at the checkout stand at a Safeway grocery store -- walked right up to her and asked her her name, how she was doing, that sort of thing. I didn't number close though! Even in the back of my mind is still a bit of anxiety, but I try not to listen to it -- just background noise, distraction, I push it away! But nobody is perfect and we try and learn from each one! Next time I've got to number close -- 'hows about we kick it sometime eh?'

Practice man you'll get there! Exposure!

 

[Atom Smasher]

I agree fully with Slickster.

I have found in my experience that those who are shy with women are usually - not always, but usually shy in general. Overwhelmingly, though, the shyness skews toward women in these cases.

I was that way (woefully shy with woman and a little shy with men), and the way I cured it was to get out there and small talk with everybody. Doing this with just women puts unecessary pressure on oneself and neglects honing your communication skills with men.

I cured my shyness with women by doing that very thing... going out and learning to do small-talk with everybody. Learning to interact with men is always a plus in dealing with women, as it improves the masculine essense you project.

 

[Zunder]

Picture the chick your about to approach as sitting on the sh!tter. That worked for me.

 

[HalfAddict]

First I started boxing again, got a gym membership, started school, got a job and started becoming a beast.

Now I talk to everyone, old dames, dudes, hot chicks, ugly chicks, bartenders waiters... everyone.

I speak to women as if I have no desire, and I really do not have any desire. Lately women just give me the eyes when I say hi.. so it seems to be working.


TL;DR Approach with minimal desire, women can smell it.