Should I stay or should I go?

[john687]

Trav,

Hey man, I hope you read this. I've been lurking around here for months, reading the posts. When I read this post of yours, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I signed up as a forum member specifically to reply to your post.

When I read your post, I saw myself 15 years ago. I was about your age, had little experience with women. Somehow, I managed to hook up with this chick. She was my best friend's girlfriend's friend. I had sex with her on our first date, one thing lead to another and I spent the next 10 miserable years married to this woman. Even when walking down the aisle at our wedding, I knew I was messing up big time, but I felt it was what my family and peers expected. After all, I was 28 - man, I'm getting old! lol...if I don't do this now, I might not have another chance. Sound familiar?

During this entire time, all I could think about was - what did I miss? Why did I not have sex with as many women as possible while I had the chance? How the hell do I know what I want when this one woman is all I know?

When I married her, she was 5'1" weighed about 99 pounds and had a tight little body. In five years, she was still 5'1", but weighed 160.

All of this just about drove me mad. When I finally divorced her, it was the happiest day of my life.

Sorry for all this KJ....but I just had to put this out there, hope you will read it and take heed. Many other brothers here have given you similar good advice.

There is plenty more I could write about this, but I'll stop for now. Let me know if you want to hear more.

I'm begging you man - don't do this. Get out now. Live life to its fullest and experience many women.

It sounds to me like you could do better. I don't know anything about you, but we guys have it good. Even if we don't look like Bradd Pitt, we can hit the gym, get lean and buff, get tanned, and get fashionable. There is hardly a guy alive that cannot make himself a hot commodity if he sets his mind to it. Girls cannot do this. Once in a comitted relationship, they will not improve themselves.

Ok...I'll stop now. Please think about what you're doing.

John

 

[Warlord]

When you see a guy in an unhappy relationship. You can see it in their eyes and their bodily aura is just all gray/black (ie. not a good vibe.) They have that look in their eyes that non-verbally say "fck! I'm so pathetic, I'm with this girl cause I THINK I CAN'T DO BETTER but I can..but there is so much invested in her" - A lot of guys like John, Me, and lots of others have had relationships like this. What happens? Cheating might happen, but always unhappiness because you are sharing your life with someone who doesn't THINK like you do, who doesn't get your inner passionate fires burning, and it just drains your masculine energy till you dump her.
and she has some control issues.

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by john687
Trav,

Hey man, I hope you read this. I've been lurking around here for months, reading the posts. When I read this post of yours, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I signed up as a forum member specifically to reply to your post.

When I read your post, I saw myself 15 years ago. I was about your age, had little experience with women. Somehow, I managed to hook up with this chick. She was my best friend's girlfriend's friend. I had sex with her on our first date, one thing lead to another and I spent the next 10 miserable years married to this woman. Even when walking down the aisle at our wedding, I knew I was messing up big time, but I felt it was what my family and peers expected. After all, I was 28 - man, I'm getting old! lol...if I don't do this now, I might not have another chance. Sound familiar?

During this entire time, all I could think about was - what did I miss? Why did I not have sex with as many women as possible while I had the chance? How the hell do I know what I want when this one woman is all I know?

When I married her, she was 5'1" weighed about 99 pounds and had a tight little body. In five years, she was still 5'1", but weighed 160.

All of this just about drove me mad. When I finally divorced her, it was the happiest day of my life.

Sorry for all this KJ....but I just had to put this out there, hope you will read it and take heed. Many other brothers here have given you similar good advice.

There is plenty more I could write about this, but I'll stop for now. Let me know if you want to hear more.

I'm begging you man - don't do this. Get out now. Live life to its fullest and experience many women.

It sounds to me like you could do better. I don't know anything about you, but we guys have it good. Even if we don't look like Bradd Pitt, we can hit the gym, get lean and buff, get tanned, and get fashionable. There is hardly a guy alive that cannot make himself a hot commodity if he sets his mind to it. Girls cannot do this. Once in a comitted relationship, they will not improve themselves.

Ok...I'll stop now. Please think about what you're doing.

John

John,

I hear you loud and clear, thanks for the honest reply.

If this were not my first relationship, I'd definitely feel differently right now. But this is the first girl I've shared any feelings for, and had as a girlfriend. It makes me think about what else is out there. It also makes me think about if anything else out there will accept me as unconditionally as my current girlfriend does.

To just end this and lose out on her genuine acceptance of me, and I mean she accepts EVERYTHING (looks, some physical self-confidence issues I've had and still slightly have, and personality) would be very hard. I honestly think about if there is another woman out there who would think the same as she does, but was better looking.

Then, thinking about dumping based on looks and not feeling excited at times (which should be normal in a 5 month relationship?) when everything else seems fine, may be superficial?

The lack of desire from me troubles me very much because I really care for this girl. Stuck in a bind, for sure.

- T

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by Warlord
When you see a guy in an unhappy relationship. You can see it in their eyes and their bodily aura is just all gray/black (ie. not a good vibe.) They have that look in their eyes that non-verbally say "fck! I'm so pathetic, I'm with this girl cause I THINK I CAN'T DO BETTER but I can..but there is so much invested in her" - A lot of guys like John, Me, and lots of others have had relationships like this. What happens? Cheating might happen, but always unhappiness because you are sharing your life with someone who doesn't THINK like you do, who doesn't get your inner passionate fires burning, and it just drains your masculine energy till you dump her.
and she has some control issues.

Update:
Not sure about her control issues, but when I hinted that I may need a week to think things over, and hinting at potentially breaking up, she started saying how stuff that I told her about before (me not being in any other relationships, hard time at home growing up), she went a bit mad and started saying how I'm making a wrong decision, that I'm affraid of love and should realize that love isn't always good.

Well, at 5 months, perhaps I'm confused because she's at a much higher state than I. She is in love. I'm not. I just really enjoy spending time with her and her personality. Her looks are ok. Plain. She makes me smile but s3x is routine.

I told her I'd see a therapist, something we both decided on. I can't use the fact that I have a lot of work and studying going on right now, because that is something that I'd have to deal with.

It's just too hard to end it when all seems to be there except for my standard of beautiness. She turns me on but sometimes not enough.

Is it worth giving it another shot? Part of me says yes, part says no.

 

[Tazman]

Continue with wanting to take a break and tell her that you need to do this or you might end up leaving for good. There's no way around hurting her feelings, it's already happened. If you don't do this things are going to get worse. I've avoided a few girls recently because I just couldn't get past their looks. I seriously thought about just having sex with them to get it out of my system but I know once the mentality isn't there (say, post orgasm) I'm going to want to run as soon as I finish. I personally don't mind a plain looking girl, but the obese and ugly are very hard for me to overlook. You only live once man.

 

[juanita]

dear traveller, i wonder how will u live your life, because u can not take a decision as a real man. all those smart men are giving you advices to dump an ugly girl but u just keep finding excuses to stay with her. so quit wasting our valuable time and just stay with her, produce 5 ugly children with her and then dump her being ugly, fat and old and with lots of your off springs. im sure u will feel much better then about yourself - at least you tried to work it out with her.

 

[TheTraveller]

Originally posted by juanita
dear traveller, i wonder how will u live your life, because u can not take a decision as a real man. all those smart men are giving you advices to dump an ugly girl but u just keep finding excuses to stay with her. so quit wasting our valuable time and just stay with her, produce 5 ugly children with her and then dump her being ugly, fat and old and with lots of your off springs. im sure u will feel much better then about yourself - at least you tried to work it out with her.

I thought that my attraction level to her, and thus overall interest level, would surpass say the 75% that it's at now. Because she's at 100% from her side.

I never know if I will pass that 75% IL to match her interest. So is that worth the time when she accepts me totally and unconditionally without being a moody girl at all, which my mind is trying to convince me that I just won't be able to find another girl like that.

Thx.

 

[TheTraveller]

bump...

 

[TheTraveller]

Please advise here, this is the last post I'll write on this, and I appreciate the advice on it.

I was first not at all attracted to her. I just was lonely at the time and wanted a girl to fool around with.

Over time I saw that:
- she is smart: getting her PhD in counselling psych.
- she is a warm, kind person
- she seems to usually be happy
- she is never b1tchy

So I got attached to that, and the first relationship, and the intimacy.

But at the same time, I always had small doubts about wanting to test the field. Yes, if I met her 10 years from now things may be different.

Do you think it is worth losing all those amazing things I saw over time that I listed above, just to test the field, learn more about girls, and get more experience as I'm 25 and this was my first relationship with a girl and intimacy with a girl?

Thx.

 

[TheTraveller]

Oh yes, I do want to experience more, so I should move on based on that. I live in a city in which there are MANY smart people, many types of people.

Yet, at the same time, I just feel unsure as to whether or not I can meet somebody else who is smart and nice and caring. But with better looks.

Life is an experience and perhaps I need more. The only worry is never being able to find a nice girl again.

 

[Colossus]

Originally posted by TheTraveller
Life is an experience and perhaps I need more. The only worry is never being able to find a nice girl again.

This is a common worry for the inexperienced. And it is also ridiculous. Do really want to be with a plain girl where the sex is routine?

 

[TheTraveller]

well, that is true. I've figured out some personal issues dating back to childhood in the past 2 months, hoping perhaps then after these past 2 months I will have changed my view on my gf. Well, I am still in doubts about taking it long term and we've been together 7 months. I have to decide on her now.

Sometimes when we're out in public I'm not totally attracted to her, and it can be slightly embarrasing seeing all the other hotter girls around. I've tried to get over this, and I do see beauty in her, just not total 100% beauty.

Her nice nature wins me over, and we don't fight, so this makes it hard for me to rationalize that it will be hard to find a girl that accepts me for who I am and loves me unconditionally like this one does, as I'm not perfect. I've neglected the gym and my hobbies for the past 7 months to spend a lot of time with this girl, and that upsets me too.

Any more advice?

 

[drmeathead]

dump her for a nine that you cant trust and better yet cant stand to talk to. great plan. just remember you always want what you cant have. you now have upped your game (lost your v cArd) and see many more women as in your league. if that is what you really want then go for it. just make sure you when yuo leave your current gf you are clear in the head so it doesnt **** you up, seeing as this is your first gf.

 

[Mr.Positive]

This thread is over a year old.

I just can't believe all the advise for cheating. What a huge double-standard, we b!tch and moan about women cheating, then advise this guy to.

If you cheat, you deserve to be cheated on.