Should I reward this behavior?

[Atom Smasher]

I've been chatting with this woman on a dating site and we started speaking by phone last week. Tensions developed and she grew a little of cold for a while due to my problem with jealousy.

Somehow I've gotten things back on track with her. Yesterday she wrote how she was thinking of our recent tensions, blah blah, and went into the "5 love languages" thing and that I respond to verbal affirmation, she responds to other stuff, you know that typical chick stuff. The bottom line is that she was expressing a concilliatory attitude and a desire to "speak my language" as she closed the message with "You are precious". lol.

I was planning on pulling back a little by neglecting to chat with her for a few days (because I sense the balance of power is not in my favor), but I was wondering if I should instead "reward" her good behavior with a quick note back. If I pull back right now, just for a day or two, would I be penalizing her for saying something nice?

Probably a dumb question, but I'm new at this and yes, I am thoroughly studying the DJB.

Thanks for any insight.

 

[Interceptor]

What do you want from her?

 

[Atom Smasher]

I'd like to be able to investigate a possible relationship with her. I just have a sense that she's very satisfied with her career and network of friends and I want to determine if she's hungry enough to bother with. I figure that by pulling back I will accomplish both showing that I'm indifferent and also reveal her level of interest. But I wonder if pulling back right after she makes nice remarks is a good idea. Should I respond briefly implying my approval of her comments and then pull back, or should I pull back now?

Thanks.

 

[Mr. Me]

The Five Love Languages actually works pretty well. But save it for when you're actually in a relationship.

Now as to "rewarding her behavior or not", back up. You already messed up by demonstrating one of the worst negative traits a guy can show a woman: jealousy. Especially without having built a foundation with her yet. You've done some damage, don't kid yourself. Happily, she's still in contact with you, but by her own words that tension is still playing on her mind. And look, she's even trying stuff to make you feel "loved".

So this isn't about pulling back or being concerned about rewarding her one way or the other.

What you ought to do is proceed as normal and don't look back at the tension incident, don't even mention it, forget about it and don't act jealous in front of her again. She's interested in you, she's looking to see to make this work, and probably wants to see that this was a one time glitch on your part and not a continual issue.

 

[Atom Smasher]

We actually have been messaging each other for the past couple of months and speaking by phone for a few weeks. My dad's on his death bed right now so it's been difficult for us to connect in-person (different states).

The thing I find most strange is that I've never struggled with jealousy to this degree ever in my life. It has popped up mildly here & there in my life (I'm no spring chicken), but it was always readily handled. Previous breakups were always initiated by me.

There's something very deep that is being triggered by this girl, and I've been shocked by it myself, not knowing where it has come from. Of course, I do understand that it comes from insecurity, but I wonder why my interaction with this particular girl brought it out so strongly.

I suspect it might partially have to do with this highly emotional period of life as I watch my father dying.

Oh well, I'm just going to have to do the best I can to get my insecurities handled. THat's why I'm here.

Thanks for the insight, guys.

Edit: I have a couple of other fish on other lines, both of which are going well. I simply can't understand why the jealousy problem erupted with this one girl, and not at all with the other two. WTF? I'm determined to figure it out so I can address it.

 

[Interceptor]

AS, when you're feeling a little too needy and jealous, the last thing you want to do is get into an exclusive relationship.
Be careful of what you wish for.
The tighter you want to cling to her, the farther you'll push her away. She cannot solve your problems for you.
Think very very clearly of where you're operating from now....

 

[Atom Smasher]

I hear you, Bro.

I think I built her up in my mind because we wrote each other for too long a period and my mind sort of filled in the blanks and made her more than she is. I almost feel like I filled in the blanks with MYSELF, that I projected my desires and even my own good qualites into those blank areas, creating a girl that was overly real on an emotional level, and somewhat ficticious.

At least I'm starting to realize this now.

Anyway, I'm getting over it. I'm done whining. Your points are well-taken, Interceptor. This is clearly not the time to get involved in any kind of serious relationship. You've steered me through some rough waters. Thanks.

Ok, I'd better brace myself now for some of Vulpine's "tough love". He's overdue. I kid... even his tough "correction" is appreciated.

Feeling better already.

 

[Dannyrt34]

Man, getting jealous BEFORE you are actually in a relationship, let alone MEET her is a big no no. Just relax man, I'm in a relationship with an overly-jealous girl and it's no fun. It's annoying as all hell.