Should I marry her?

[Augustus_McCrae]

Before I got married and had children, I thought (naively) that the worst case scenario would be the possibility of raising the children by myself if
something happened to my spouse.

Painfully, I learned that the worst case scenario is having children to raise while dealing with a spouse who has mental issues while doing your best to shield them from their Mother's sometimes bizarre, whacked out behaviour.

If you want to understand the true feeling of being trapped, consider the option of divorcing a spouse who has mental issues, but would most likely
still get joint custody of the children. You are then faced with the horrible choice of exposing your children to living 50% of their time with a parent who has mental issues without you there to shield them from and to moderate the sometimes bizarre behaviour of their mother. Or, you bite
the bullet and stick it out for the sake of your children until they are no longer in the house.

I chose to stick it out.

I will never regret doing it. It was worth it for the sake of my kids, and in retrospect, I'm confident that it was the right decision. However, believe me, I paid a price.

Knowing what I know now, I would never, ever, choose to have children with someone who already manifested those issues before we were
married or had children.

Do yourself a favor and consider this.

 

[Greasy Pig]

I think of you have any doubts whatsoever, you shouldn't do it.

I mean you're signing a life contract, "for better or for worse" and all that. If marrying her is the only way to keep her around, then you're doing it for the wrong reasons.
And anything done out of obligation instead of free will is likely to fail.

In a war sense - and I can't remember who said it - "willing obedience always beats forced obedience". In other words, you're better off going to war with 1000 loyal soldiers than 10,000 mercenaries.

Marriage should be a natural progression and approached with joy and excitement, not dread and doubts.

 

[HalfAddict]

^ Especially with being so religious, she will be in it for the long haul. Can you spend the rest of your life with her? Do you want to? You are 28, are you ready to settle down? Ask yourself these things.

 

[Slickster]

Some advice from a happily married guy....

If she really was the right woman for you then you wouldn't be asking this question.

I'm sure she is a great person and the two of you could make things work but you shouldn't have to talk yourself into it.

In my life I've had several LTR's with women I "could" have married and made things work. Even though I loved them all and they were great women, I'm glad I let them go.

When you find the right person you just know it. There is no looking back and you are confident with your decisions about going forward with her.

In my opinion religious beliefs are a core value. If there are differences between your core values then you will most definitely have problems later.

 

[FLGuy]

I think for most guys getting married is a mistake. You have to think about, knowing what you have about women-the courts-divorce stats, why do you want to get married?

You can still "be married" without involving the legal system into your relationship.

It is one thing to be dating a piece of azz like Jessica Alba, and fall into her frame, and go down the marriage trail, because a guy would believe she's the best looking woman he will ever get. But for 90% of the women out there? Especially over age 25? Are you kidding me?

 

[Colossus]

I love how you sort of slipped bipolar and suicidal in there lol. Thread title should have been " should i marry a suicidal bipolar woman?"

Yeah those are pretty significant red flags.

Listen, despite what you read on the manosphere (and sosuave is part of the manosphere), there are plenty of women out there who are hot, caring, and love to fvck.

It's the OTHER modifiers each one has that tip the scales one way or the other. There is NO such thing as a perfect woman. Guys may talk about how wonderful and perfect their p0rnstar/housewife/baker/maid/best friend wife is, but never take someone else's relationship at face value.

This girl has some issues that have the very real potential to make your life a living hell. I'm not saying they will for sure, but a year and a half is too soon to tell. Dont give in to her whims. Also this "religion" of hers sounds like nothing I would ever want a part of. Christianity has some really great people but these factions that interpret the Bible in extremes are no good, in my opinion.

 

[Crossroader]

So I broke things off with her. Not going to lie, this was/is difficult. I just keep reminding myself I have many years to find a better/more compatible one if and when I decide I want to settle down and do the parenting thing. We just just argued too much, and it did help a bit after I discovered Game, but it was still too constant. I felt I would be settling. Hard to sever a bond with someone like that who you know has your back no matter what, even if they are kind of crazy. Sigh.

Thank you guys for taking the time to contribute. Especially for the following...this was the kind of objective truth I needed to hear. You guys possibly played a part in saving me years of my life and I'm obliged to you:

Painfully, I learned that the worst case scenario is having children to raise while dealing with a spouse who has mental issues while doing your best to shield them from their Mother's sometimes bizarre, whacked out behaviour.

I think of you have any doubts whatsoever, you shouldn't do it.

Marriage should be a natural progression and approached with joy and excitement, not dread and doubts.

Some advice from a happily married guy....

If she really was the right woman for you then you wouldn't be asking this question.

I'm sure she is a great person and the two of you could make things work but you shouldn't have to talk yourself into it.

In my life I've had several LTR's with women I "could" have married and made things work. Even though I loved them all and they were great women, I'm glad I let them go.

When you find the right person you just know it. There is no looking back and you are confident with your decisions about going forward with her.

In my opinion religious beliefs are a core value. If there are differences between your core values then you will most definitely have problems later.

Listen, despite what you read on the manosphere (and sosuave is part of the manosphere), there are plenty of women out there who are hot, caring, and love to fvck.

 

[Greasy Pig]

You'll need some time to heal, OP.
But you've done the right thing and you have to believe it.
You're right, you have probably just saved yourself years of pain. Now look forward to a brighter future armed with your knowledge.
Cheers man. Good luck.

 

[Crossroader]

Well...here's an update.

I got back with her for a couple months. As you probably already sense, it was a mistake. Just wanted to give it another chance I guess. The more she pushed for marriage, the more apprehensive I got, which she sensed, creating more tension. Negative feedback loop.

Just broke things off for good. Guess I'm going to get real busy with my hobbies and building my business for a while. Part of me just wants to go have a ONS or two and get it out of my system, but the other part doesn't even want anything to do with women right now.

This sh*t sucks. But doesn't it always.

 

[Crossroader]

double post

 

[Danton1975]

I have been married for 11 years CrossRoader. My wife is religious, I am an atheist. She goes to church. I don't. All our relatives are religious, but very mild ones...not nutcases. This, if anything, makes them kinder to each other.

My marriage has worked great and I am overall very content with my present life. Besides...I get to be a father and nothing can describe the feeling of leaving for work each morning and having the little guy jump up at the doorstep, wrap his legs around me and saying: "Bye Papa...Come home soon" It makes one feel anchored for sure...and sometimes I wonder I have it so good...

It works for me but I never asked the question, should I marry her? It simply took place as if we both knew it would inevitably. Again...I believe, these kind of marriages are rather the exception than the norm.

The truth is...marriage puts a man at a severe disadvantage. Take some advice from a content married man...and don't be in too much of a hurry to settle down...especially with a deadly bipolar / suicidal woman...those are some major red flags. Enjoy your newfound freedom.

 

[Warrior74]

I have been married for 11 years CrossRoader. My wife is religious, I am an atheist. She goes to church. I don't. All our relatives are religious, but very mild ones...not nutcases. This, if anything, makes them kinder to each other.

hmm. Every religious woman I meet, which is most, take offense when I tell them I "don't go to church", the hit the door when I tell them I don't believe in god and shout something about being unevenly yolked. I wonder how you managed that one. Just last night my religious mother reminded me to say my prayers and to go to church. Yes, I live in the deep south.

 

[lifeislearning]

There is NO such thing as a perfect woman. Guys may talk about how wonderful and perfect their p0rnstar/housewife/baker/maid/best friend wife is, but never take someone else's relationship at face value.

While I'm certainly not advocating you convince yourself to marry someone, let's keep this in mind gentlemen. As I get older, I've noticed I demand more from women, and also get more adamant for how I like things to be. I know this can't be easy to handle, and finding a woman who can live with my irritating habits and can still earn my respect and admiration as a person, woman, and partner will be no easy task.

If you were perfect you wouldn't be on here. Be selective, but don't forget to take into account all the irritating sh*t about YOU, and give her the benefit of the doubt.

I think of you have any doubts whatsoever, you shouldn't do it.

Life is full of doubt. If you face a life altering decision without any doubt, you're either fooling yourself, or don't have all the information. Any effort with another person involves risk and the potential for failure. The tricky part is making the decision on the right amount of "sounds right" and "feels right" information. Just from reading OP's comments I didn't hear a lot of passion for the girl, but that's just my opinion.

 

[samspade]

The truth is...marriage puts a man at a severe disadvantage. Take some advice from a content married man...and don't be in too much of a hurry to settle down...especially with a deadly bipolar / suicidal woman...those are some major red flags. Enjoy your newfound freedom.

Congrats on your successful marriage. That's really something to flourish as a pair of opposites.

I disagree that it puts a man at a severe disadvantage. And yes I've read and heard all of the usual arguments against marriage and generally advise against it unless the man really wants it. But since I've been married I've felt much stronger and more at an advantage than ever - that's the honest to God truth. Even if Divorce is some kind of stalking horse used against men, I don't live in fear of it or any of its ramifications. I guess I just don't care if I fail or it goes to shyt. As long as I'm true to myself I know I'll be fine - that's the advantage most men won't give themselves.

 

[backbreaker]

you know the saying, if you have to ask how much then you can't afford it?


if you have to ask shoudl you marry a woman, you should not marry the woman. that's the best advice i can give anyone.

when /if you meet a woman worth marrying there won't be a doubt in your mind.

 

[Danton1975]

But since I've been married I've felt much stronger and more at an advantage than ever - that's the honest to God truth.

That's fair Samspade. I feel that way about my marriage as well and generally I am very content...but something about American legal system where a guy can get screwed royally if he gets a divorce that really concerns me. The question I have is:

Is it that you've felt stronger and more at an advantage since you've been married or since you have started living together? Because you could do the second without getting married.

 

[Danton1975]

Just a quick joke I heard today that illustrates this:

A husband asks his wife: "Honey, what would you like for Christmas" And she answers: "I want a divorce." The husband fidgets and scratches his head and says: "I wan't planning on spending THAT much"

 

[Lexington]

So she's a religious nut with a psychiatric issues? Sorry to sound harsh but this isn't going to end well.

There is a chance that her mental illness could get worse. Sure she might get better or stay stable, but you can never tell. Then there's the issue of differing religious beliefs. It WILL be an issue when it comes to raising kids.

She's going to want to save their eternal soul. And maybe you'll disagree with the beliefs she's going to indoctrinate those kids with. Certainly I wouldn't take too kindly to someone trying to fill my kids' brains with ideas that I think are BS. Unless you're fully invested in the religion too, this is going to be a very bad idea.

There are plenty of girls out there who don't have psych issues.

 

[samspade]

That's fair Samspade. I feel that way about my marriage as well and generally I am very content...but something about American legal system where a guy can get screwed royally if he gets a divorce that really concerns me. The question I have is:

Is it that you've felt stronger and more at an advantage since you've been married or since you have started living together? Because you could do the second without getting married.

My wife is not a US citizen, otherwise we would be domestic partners. Neither of us had much of a stomach for paperwork but we had to play by the rules. Our marriage was low, low budget. Neither of us is into marriage as religious sacrament or as proof of commitment. She knows as well as I do that that kind of stuff comes from within and not from church or state. I would say that were she a citizen, we'd just live together, and then maybe after a very long time (10+ years) get married if we decided we wanted to stay together. I know that sounds like just the guy talking, but she had a "husband" (read: live-in boyfriend) for ten years or so before me. They lived together, bought a place and eventually broke up.

Divorce and all its costs should be a deterrent for men. It can be very costly and I think it's a shame we've diminished manhood to the point that a man is handicapped the minute the partnership ends. However, on a personal level I remain stoic about it all. If my wife and I amass a large sum of assets while together and then we get divorced, and she takes half or more, what's the better option: Take on City Hall, or go with the flow and find a way out as simple as possible? Write off the loss and get out; inoculate yourself from bitterness. I'm not saying bend over. Definitely be smart and find a good lawyer too. But try to avoid the anger that comes from fighting over material goods. If you die from stress you can't do anything with your money. But you can do a lot with time.

My sense of advantage comes from my frame. Our dynamic is perfectly Man/Woman. I've mentioned this before, and it's a small small example, but if we're in a restaurant or store, and she has cash and I don't, she surreptitiously hands me the bills to pay. She wants me to be the man, and I want and accept, nay seize, the role. I also draw power from knowing I'd be fine if it all ended tomorrow.

 

[Crossroader]

Thank you again for the input guys. This has been really tough. She is very, very hot, best in the sack I've ever had, and is very witty...makes me laugh more than any girl I've ever known (I'm always the one making them laugh with hardly ever any reciprocity lol). But if I married her it would be 100% for her benefit as I have no desire to get married right now. I guess backbreaker's post hits home. I don't want to enter into something with this many doubts and this much reluctance. I feel pretty sh*tty for breaking her heart though...