Should I ignore this?

[SHChamp]

I've been dating this girl for about 8 months, the conversation of exclusivity never came into play because to be honest, I have been spending so much time with her she had no reason to.

I rarely texted her, and never really initiated contact. However, every time I was with her, I gave her all the attention in the world and reflecting on my actions any person would think I was completely infatuated and in love with this girl. I made the mistake of not spinning plates and just dating her and nobody else, even without being exclusive.

The last time we met up (about a month ago), it was going great, but at the end of the date she was a bit distant. The following week she flaked on me for the first time, and that was a big red flag to me. I didn't initiate contact after that, and then my grandfather passed away. This affected me pretty hard and I broke by initiating contact and texting her, telling her what happened and that I was leaving the day after and would like to see her. She said she was going to the beach and couldn't come, this hit me hard to be honest. The next days I kept seeing posts of her pictures at festivals with her friend.

I cut off contact completely for about 5 days until she called me, she just asked me how I was and at the end I told her I wanted to meet her in a few days. She agreed and the next day texted me "I am sorry, I just realized that my trip is until Friday." (2nd flake) I already knew this was complete bull****, because she had this trip planned for months and it lasts until Wednesday, I ignored this message and mentally cut her off and went NC.

In my mind, I am trying to move on, reflect on the stupid and idiotic mistakes I did and learn from it. Today, about 4 days later she initiated contact again with "How are you doing, babe?". Should I just continue to ignore her or respond politely?

 

[Amilz]

2 flakes is unacceptable. NC.

 

[SHChamp]

Why exclusivity didn't come up:

1.She doesn't respect you and fear you as a player that could replace her at the drop of a hat.

2.She's a ho that would actually date someone seriously for 8 months with no feelings involved at all while constantly looking for the bigger better deal.

Maybe its just the women I date(HB6-8, not party girls, generally seem nice but cheat anyway), but I hit the mark on 1 an 2 and the women are begging me for exclusivity by the third date, not kidding. Current GF begged after the first date.

When I first started dating her I was dating about 4 other girls at the time, she knew who they were and constantly saw me talking with other girls and be surrounded with them at all times. I don't believe that she doesn't feel anything, because every time she was with me she was just as and if not even more infatuated than I was. The people in our vicinity said so as well.

It might be the fear, but I don't quite understand how as I have given her all the attention out of all the other girls and made clear that I was interested in her. If she is a ho, then I am really scared, because she has shown me nothing to believe that and if she can control herself that well than my trust in any woman has just flown out of the window.

I have been trying to find some info to clear up my confusion on why it hasn't come up. Then again, something tells me she wanted to keep her options open (HB 8.5). I think I made it too easy for her, if I stayed true to myself and just kept dating other girls, she would be less reluctant to avoid a relationship.

Now, I still don't know whether to continue NC or respond to her. Regardless, I feel my frame has dropped significantly and I should take some time apart from her.

 

[FCB]

Sounds like you made it to easy for her and you weren't a challenge anymore. You have to show some self respect and let her know that's not the case. I don't know if going no contact is the answer but you should definitely do you and stop being available and make your attention scarce. Her flaking and reactions aren't acceptable, but if you let it get to you tos much and she sees that then it will make it worse, withdraw your attention, don't let her get to you and do things to make you happy.

You lost your frame and she basically picked up that you were ready to ditch everything to be with her without even being exclusive, I've done this in the past and its sending the wrong message imo. Its probably too late, but now you are in chase mode and since you never really texted its hard for her to know anything has changed since you are still asking to see her as normal. Be less available and don't give her your attention, and don't let her get to you and do things to make you happy, in short don't be her puppy dog but don't act butt hurt either.

 

[bigneil]

For whatever reason, we live in a society where 99% of women steadfastly refuse to be there when a man needs them. Maybe they were always that way. I guess it's like a bird making a nest - if the tree falls they don't try to hold the tree up, they fly away. But it seems to go beyond that. They've become corrupted to the core and we know it in our gut. They seem to despise us the moment we have a weak (i.e., human) moment. No matter how long we were strong, no matter how many times we were there for them, no matter how much we have going for us, no matter how trying the circumstances, no matter how far beyond our control they were; as soon as we try to lean on them for even an instant, they are gone forever. They have this shameless, unforgiving, one-strike policy as well. It's as if they are seeking an impossibly strong man, underwritten only by their fantasies and television. It's almost inhumane. For all we hear about women being sweet and caring and sensitive, it's bvllsh!t. They refuse to give us anything when we need them the most. They recoil as if we punched them in the face when we confess we need them. I've been there one too many times myself. In the old days a woman tried to strengthen her man, she tried to fill in the cracks with her nurturing love and affection. Not anymore. This is what they call equality??

Never contact her again. She is not worthy of being part of your family.

My condolences for the loss of your grandfather. Celebrate the full life he had. You can still talk to him in your mind because you'll know exactly what he would have said to answer your questions. Ask him what he thinks of this girl.

 

[SHChamp]

For whatever reason, we live in a society where 99% of women steadfastly refuse to be there when a man needs them. Maybe they were always that way. I guess it's like a bird making a nest - if the tree falls they don't try to hold the tree up, they fly away. But it seems to go beyond that. They've become corrupted to the core and we know it in our gut. They seem to despise us the moment we have a weak (i.e., human) moment. No matter how long we were strong, no matter how many times we were there for them, no matter how much we have going for us, no matter how trying the circumstances, no matter how far beyond our control they were; as soon as we try to lean on them for even an instant, they are gone forever. They have this shameless, unforgiving, one-strike policy as well. It's as if they are seeking an impossibly strong man, underwritten only by their fantasies and television. It's almost inhumane. For all we hear about women being sweet and caring and sensitive, it's bvllsh!t. They refuse to give us anything when we need them the most. They recoil as if we punched them in the face when we confess we need them. I've been there one too many times myself. In the old days a woman tried to strengthen her man, she tried to fill in the cracks with her nurturing love and affection. Not anymore. This is what they call equality??

Never contact her again. She is not worthy of being part of your family.

My condolences for the loss of your grandfather. Celebrate the full life he had. You can still talk to him in your mind because you'll know exactly what he would have said to answer your questions. Ask him what he thinks of this girl.

It's scary, but I was having this exact same train of thought. I thought maybe I made a big mistake by leaning on her in my tough time and I beat myself up over it, and then I realize how scary reality actually is. I have been her 'tree' and 'rock' for the 8 months I was dating her and she went through a lot of **** herself and I was the strong one that was there for her, but as soon as the tables turned, she was nowhere to be found.

I know we should keep most of our emotional baggage to ourselves and deal with our own problems, but why the **** would I ever want a relationship when the woman would turn her back on me and walk the second I am weak and on the ground for that rare, rare time?

In my eyes, a relationship should be two people building each other up, pushing each other to be better and to do more. A relationship in my eyes is something where you fuel each other's dreams and ambitions all the while leading your own life and being there for those rare opportune moments where your partner is down.

Once you truly understand the DJ mentality and the teachings, getting laid is absolutely no problem, most of us know this. I might be wrong and having a completely idealistic view on relationships, but anything less than this is absolutely worth **** to me and why would we commit otherwise? This was a true wake up call, to be honest. I learned a great deal more after reflecting from my mistakes and her actions. I think I'd rather keep the no contact and move on, this girl on paper was absolutely perfect. This single event showed a nasty side to her that I want nothing to do with, it's just annoying how we get that constant urge of wanting to text her, call her and be with her. I guess that's where we prove ourselves to be men and stand our ground to move on.

 

[G_Govan]

grandfather passed away. This affected me pretty hard and I broke by initiating contact and texting her, telling her what happened and that I was leaving the day after and would like to see her........She said she was going to the beach and couldn't come, this hit me hard to be honest.

I can't really blame her for her behavior when you pretty much line your self up like a row of bowling pins ready to be struck down.

How much more evidence do you need to get a hint?

For your own sanity, leave this chick alone.

 

[MAYALL]

Looks like you learned a very valuable lesson here. Never treat a girl like an exclusive girlfriend who isn't. Never take bullsh1t from women becoming a disposable man. She contacts you when she wants to and blows you off in your time of need. How much more disrespect are you willing to take? Sorry to hear about your grandfather passing away, but her blowing you off should have told you everything you needed to know. Also, her telling you she is keepng her options open means she is looking for a higher caliber guy for exclusivity. 8 months passing with no "exclusive talks" should have given you that clue. What you should do, is open your phone and delete her number never speaking with her again after how you were treated.

 

[WorkHardPlayHard]

Distance + 1 flake = it's virtually over.

The fact you guys are going NC for 5+ days at a time after being effectively "together" for 8 months is her backing out while trying to not be disruptive. Let her go immediately. She *might* have came back wondering where you were at, but it's almost like 100% a wrap.

 

[bigneil]

Back in 2010 I quit my steady 4 year job in Dallas, loaded a UHaul truck and headed for a new job in Boston where I would be Principal Software Architect, complete with a license deal for my technology at a leading CAD company called Parametric Technology Corporation. I happened to be dating a woman in Cleveland, roughly the half way point of my cross country drive. We had been texting for the previous month during my move, counting the days until I got there. She met me at a romantic hotel and we spent the night together. The next morning I found out my new job had been cancelled without warning - they reneged all because I wouldn't assign my patent rights to them. They tried to force me to close my small business and were willing to try to ruin my life over it, but I held my ground. Suddenly I was homeless and unemployed with 2 cats, in an unfamiliar state, living in a hotel, with all my stuff in a truck, and it was December and the first snow hit. My girl withdrew on the spot, that very night. I woke up to find her on the far side of the bed and I knew what it meant. She then flaked on the next 2 evenings, even talking me into staying an extra night at an expensive hotel, only to blow me off a second time. She wouldn't even say goodbye when I left town. She came back to me and flew to see me in Florida where I detoured, only to be the most evil girl I ever knew, throwing temper tantrums and withholding sex over things like my not being able to find where we parked after a $400 dinner and concert (that I couldn't afford). I never got a penny out of PTC either. I never had oneitis so bad.

You need to remember, not only will they dump you at your time of need, but it will hurt that much more because you were already at a weak moment.

The same thing happened recently when I moved out of Tulsa. The move was remarkably stressful. Moving is incredibly taxing. The stress of the new job, the physical exhaustion of loading trucks and driving cross country, and the increasingly ghetto-like hotels we must stay in are enough to have you at wits end. Meanwhile you are lonely in a new city. Last month I flew back to Tulsa to meet the moving truck and the movers blew me off, costing me thousands of dollars and forcing yet another cross country drive. That night, after 6 months of her being a sweetheart, and 3 months of dating, I took my girlfriend out for a $300 steak dinner on my last night in town. Then, after her getting naked in my hotel room, the mask came off. She randomly freaked out over the smallest thing and turned evil instantly. She then started actually trying to hurt me, saying she never even liked me the whole time. She stormed out and I never heard from her again. That was 4 hours before I had to head to the airport. At least I never contacted her either, but I was really hurting for the past few weeks. It's not that we cared about them too much, it's that we happened to need them more at that moment. Moving and starting a new job are among the most stressful things in life. As is the death of a loved one. When you add a breakup, another one of the most stressful things, it's really hard. And these are the women who say they are independent and don't need men. They'll never be strong like men. Men carry the load and are there for them. They do neither.

It makes me wonder about married men who lose their jobs. Their wives will often tell them they are losers and divorce them, taking the kids and leaving them homeless and destitute, instead of helping them get back on their feet. How did they become this way? They're not all like that. My girl from Austin stuck with me through a similar disaster last year, and I told her she was my guardian angel. You need to appreciate a woman who is there for you when you reach a low point. For whatever reason, in our sad, plastic world, they have become extremely rare.

Guys, beware the girl you are with if you haven't had a weak moment yet, and don't pretend you won't.

 

[SHChamp]

All your responses have been really helpful in dealing with this and to be honest it's made me capable of actually moving on and forgetting about her. bigneil, I can really relate to your experiences, because this isn't the first time this has happened to me either and it clarifies a lot. A few lessons I picked up from this:

1. If you are in a weak moment, stay as far away from your girl as possible.
Unless it's a family member or a really close friend, most people really do NOT care about your problems. This includes the girl you are currently with. She wants you to be the strong, independent and confident guy that nobody, including her, can bring down. The second you show weakness, whether this being you completely in love or devastated by a loss in the family or you losing your job, she will no longer see an added benefit to being with you. Do not make any decisions when you are feeling an emotional extreme (joy, anger, sadness etc.) these decisions are usually the ones you will regret most afterwards.

2. Unless you have both explicitely said and agreed to complete exclusivity, DATE OTHER WOMEN.
This was probably the mistake that caused a chain reaction. All the DJ's know this, and I thought I knew this, but I still made the mistake. Sometimes the only way you learn is through the hard way, I wish that was not the case with me, but I did. No matter how perfect she seems, always, always, date other women. Confidence, security and joy comes from power. With power I specifically mean, OPTIONS. The more options you have, the less inclined you will be to dealing with disrespect, infatuation and the clearer you will see the girl you are actually with. How can you possibly know if she is the right girl for you if you have nobody to compare her with? How can you know what her faults are if she is the only one you have? Ignorance is not bliss in this particular instance.

3. Trust your instincts, your GUT.
All of these problems could have been avoided if I trusted my instincts from the start. Instincts are there for a reason, it is your subconcious telling you something that you are not conciously aware of. My instinct was telling me that something was off about this girl, that I could not trust her and that there was not something there that really drew me to her. I made the foolish mistake of ignoring my instinct and going for her regardless. Why? Because I did not have any other OPTIONS! Do not make this same mistake, trust your instinct and if you feel something is off, DATE OTHER WOMEN.

4. If the only interest you share with her is sex, do NOT go for exclusivity.
After reflecting upon this experience and trying to take some lessons out of it, I realized quickly that the only thing I had in common with her was that we constantly wanted to have sex. This is great and all for a FB, but that's it. The reason my instinct was telling me something was off was because when we were not having sex, our interests did not align and we barely had anything to talk about. I am extremely ambitious and she is a go with the flow kind of girl and eventually, regrettably, I lost track of myself and what I wanted to achieve because I was so focused on her. If I realized this too late, this might have potentially ruined my life, and that is not an overstatement. Do NOT lose yourself with ANY woman you are with. She can and will most likely be TEMPORARY, you are not, not to yourself.

5. The most important lesson, love yourself.
I know we hear this so often in the articles we read and the tips posted by DJ's and the reason for this is because it is absolutely essential. The only way you will be able to reach REAL inner confidence is if you are comfortable with yourself and you sincerely love yourself and want the best for YOU, not for her, for YOU. We so often lose ourselves in the women we are involved with and because of this we forget the most important life lessons. If you stay true to yourself, you KNOW that you can meet any woman you want, you KNOW that your confidence and happiness is not dependent on the woman you are currently with, you KNOW that if you currently do not have the best girl for you that you CAN get her if you put your mind to it. My mistake was forgetting how easily I can meet and date new women, move on and find someone so many times better than her.

The last thing I want to pass on is, put the focus completely on yourself. Do not be dependent on anyone for your emotional state but yourself. Are you feeling depressed, angry or betrayed? Deal with this yourself. Analyze what happened, reflect on it and take the lessons out of it. If you absolutely have to speak to someone, speak with your best friends, that's what they are there for or come here. This is not the first problem that I dealt with and everytime I came her and shared my issue with all of you, within hours, minutes, I got responses all over with people sharing advice from their own personal experiences. I appreciate all of it and I hope this helped the people that share the same problems somewhat.

 

[bigneil]

Once upon a time, a woman would seek to find the best man available overall, and would get married around age 22 (after 0-2 sexual partners) when she had 10 years of beauty left. She wanted the best man she could find. Nowadays however, women mix and match qualities from the 1000 guys they've met in their life (who of course are still in touch with her online in real time), and she wants to get married around age 30 (after 15 years of being torqued and dorked by 25+ guys and becoming damaged goods), when they have 1 year of beauty left.

Thanks to TV, the internet and their fantasies, today's woman genuinely feels entitled to marry a man who:

A) Is as financially wealthy as the richest Sugar Daddy she ever knew (who is old, bald, inherited millions and never worked a day in his life).
B) Is as physically hot as the hottest guy she ever dated (who is unemployed and who used and abused her and never called her again).
C) Is as subservient as the lamest beta orbiter she ever dated (who would do anything for her).
D) Is as emotionless as the biggest sociopathic NPD she ever dated (who never displayed feelings because he had none).

Or as Nismo-4 wrote, she wants a musclebound millionaire with a Mercedes (paraphrased).

Unless a man has all of these qualities, she will constantly remind him that something is lacking (and she will date 4 different guys at once, one from each category).

Now you'll find her dropping little hints like these when you are together:

1) "Your ($70,000) car is ok, but I was in a Ferarri once" (driven by a gross old man).
2) "Your (6'5" 215, 15% bodyfat) physique is ok but I dated a bodybuilder once" (who was bisexual, on steroids and never called her again after giving her HPV).
3) "I expect something more..." (like your debit card) "because I dated someone who wanted to marry me once" (who she felt nothing for).
4) "I'm busy this weekend" (when your mother dies tragically).

It doesn't matter if you're better looking than 90% of the guys she dated, AND richer than 90% of the guys she dated, AND more loyal than 90% of the guys she dated, AND stronger than 90% of the guys she dated (and under no circumstances will the fact you could take all 4 of her other men in a fight (at the same time) ever be factored in, for strong men are obsolete, she was taught by her single mom since age 1).

In other words, there is no longer any composite stat like a Quarterback Rating (something specifically designed to settle these types of comparisons) which factors in all the key statistics to settle who is best OVERALL. Women now have all become Monday Morning Quarterbacks (circa 1975). They now feel entitled to someone who won the Triple Crown AND World Series the same year, and she will instantly and permanently lose interest the moment we slip into the #2 slot in any one category (especially D).

In other words, they live in a fantastical land and hold men to impossible standards (until they are over 30 of course, whereby they will settle for one of her men (usually C) but secretly feel they got a bad deal, and cheat on them with the first hot landscaper he hires, while he's at work slaving away to pay all her bills).