Should I hide the fact that I have a girlfriend?

[Jacer]

Hello everyone!
I am a current Chinese PhD student. I have a girlfriend who is already employed，but currently due to work and school commitments, we don't live in the same city. She is a very good candidate for marriage. But she won't come to my city in the near future (may be 1 year). I noticed that there are many attractive girls on campus. But I'm not sure if they are worthy of getting married.
When I chat with pretty girls, I am often asked if I have a girlfriend. Previously, I always gave honest answers; However, I found that the women around me would try to reduce their communication with me after learning that I had a girlfriend. Perhaps it was influenced by the ideas of traditional Chinese culture.
I want to try spinning more plates, so should I continue to be honest or should I hide some truths? When a pretty girl asks me if I have a girlfriend, should I hide the fact that I do have one ? This has left me confused. If anyone can offer any help, I would be extremely grateful.

 

[BPH]

@Jacer if you think you need to hide the fact that you have a girlfriend so you can spin more plates...you probably shouldn't have a girlfriend.

 

[Jacer]

@Jacer if you think you need to hide the fact that you have a girlfriend so you can spin more plates...you probably shouldn't have a girlfriend.

Hello, BPH! Tanks for your reply !Do you mean that I should remain single to spin more plates OR perhaps I shouldn't have had this idea.

 

[BPH]

Hello, BPH! Tanks for your reply !Do you mean that I should remain single to spin more plates OR perhaps I shouldn't have had this idea.

I mean that if you want to appear single, be single.

 

[Jacer]

I mean that if you want to appear single, be single.

I understand. Thank you. This is very helpful to me.

 

[BadBoy89]

I have a girlfriend who is already employed，but currently due to work and school commitments, we don't live in the same city. She is a very good candidate for marriage. But she won't come to my city in the near future (may be 1 year). I noticed that there are many attractive girls on campus. But I'm not sure if they are worthy of getting married.

Why are you sure your girlfriend is worthy of getting married?

I want to try spinning more plates, so should I continue to be honest or should I hide some truths? When a pretty girl asks me if I have a girlfriend, should I hide the fact that I do have one ?

I am a current Chinese PhD student

You want to go out with other girls, and you don’t know whether you should tell them that you are currently sleeping with your girlfriend?

Are you sure you are a PhD student?

 

[Scaramouche]

Hi Jacer,
Oh Dear,lie is such a brutal word lie,just be a lttle disengenuous that's a much nicer
word....If asked,do you have a Girlfriend, reply,Yes of course,but no one special;and I would really like to know you better

 

[Jacer]

Why are you sure your girlfriend is worthy of getting married?

Her personality is a good match for me and supports and understands most of the decisions I make. Her mom is very good to her dad, and you know, to judge how a woman treats you after marriage, just look at how her mom treats her dad.

 

[Jacer]

You want to go out with other girls, and you don’t know whether you should tell them that you are currently sleeping with your girlfriend?

Are you sure you are a PhD student?

Yes, have you heard of Shanghai? I'm doing a Ph.D. in environmental engineering at a university here.

 

[Jacer]

Hi Jacer,
Oh Dear,lie is such a brutal word lie,just be a lttle disengenuous that's a much nicer
word....If asked,do you have a Girlfriend, reply,Yes of course,but no one special;and I would really like to know you better

Hello, Scaramouche !
Sorry, since English is not my first language, the wording may not be very strict. I can understand what you mean and your advice is good. I've read an answer to the question "I wouldn't mind having another girlfriend." in a book before. I'm not sure how it would work abroad, but I think if I say something like that in China, I will be labeled as a player and rejected by many women. I thought of an answer, which is not to answer her question, but to ask her "Do you want to be my girlfriend?". What do you think of that answer?

 

[Divorced w 3]

This is becoming a cultural question.

In the US, it can help in some instances to say ‘yes’ to this question. It can help you look desired.

If it’s going to be an issue for you, and become labeled and stigmatized, then don’t do it. You seem to be answering your own question.

 

[Jacer]

This is becoming a cultural question.

In the US, it can help in some instances to say ‘yes’ to this question. It can help you look desired.

If it’s going to be an issue for you, and become labeled and stigmatized, then don’t do it. You seem to be answering your own question.

Yes, I understand. Thank you.

 

[Scaramouche]

Hello, Scaramouche !
Sorry, since English is not my first language, the wording may not be very strict. I can understand what you mean and your advice is good. I've read an answer to the question "I wouldn't mind having another girlfriend." in a book before. I'm not sure how it would work abroad, but I think if I say something like that in China, I will be labeled as a player and rejected by many women. I thought of an answer, which is not to answer her question, but to ask her "Do you want to be my girlfriend?". What do you think of that answer?

Hi Jacer,
I know Shanghai quite well...My leading Lady is from Nanjing,just up the River...
Shanghai Women are different,only in Europe do you meet so many well dressed Women...
Saying"Do you want to be my Girlfriend?'seems unnecessary,just make it happen...Probably
a cultural thing,but Chinese Ladies are often blunt to the point of rudeness,if pressed then
just say,of course I have friends and being an attractive Women I expect you do too.

 

[RangerMIke]

You really can't hide anything from a woman. They are living breathing lie detectors.

 

[Doctor Europeo]

Hello everyone!
I am a current Chinese PhD student. I have a girlfriend who is already employed，but currently due to work and school commitments, we don't live in the same city. She is a very good candidate for marriage. But she won't come to my city in the near future (may be 1 year). I noticed that there are many attractive girls on campus. But I'm not sure if they are worthy of getting married.
When I chat with pretty girls, I am often asked if I have a girlfriend. Previously, I always gave honest answers; However, I found that the women around me would try to reduce their communication with me after learning that I had a girlfriend. Perhaps it was influenced by the ideas of traditional Chinese culture.
I want to try spinning more plates, so should I continue to be honest or should I hide some truths? When a pretty girl asks me if I have a girlfriend, should I hide the fact that I do have one ? This has left me confused. If anyone can offer any help, I would be extremely grateful.

At some point you have to decide if the juice is worth the squeeze. Would you feel guilty cheating on your girlfriend? Are a few minutes of pleasure worth an unknown time of guilt?

 

[Barrister]

OP,

This woman isn’t “good for you” because if she was you wouldn’t be on this forum asking if you should hide the fact that she exists in your life to other women. Doesn’t mean your GF has done anything wrong, but I’d argue if you already have these feelings in the honeymoon stage the writing is on the wall that this relationship isn’t going to end well - and marrying her may only compound your problems.

So - no, don’t hide it. Just end it if you are honest with yourself and find these feelings are coming from a place of really not being into her.

 

[BadBoy89]

Her personality is a good match for me and supports and understands most of the decisions I make. Her mom is very good to her dad, and you know, to judge how a woman treats you after marriage, just look at how her mom treats her dad.

She's such a good match for you that you came on Sosuave and asked if you should you lie she exists so you can have sex with hot girls.

 

[Prepostereax]

I suspect we may have to pare this down with semantics, in a cultural setting.

Heck, even in the west, the notion of "girlfriend/boyfriend" is nebulous..

For example, most of the attractive girls at work have "boyfriends"
But on further revelation, these could be anything from:

* an ex they are still seeing, or hoping to reconnect with
* cohabiting fckbuddies who are exclusive
* some dude she's dating exclusively lately
* some guy she's "seeing" regularly, but not exclusive (ie "plates")
* one of several guys she's "seeing" concurrently (one thot boasted three different "Tinder dates" in a single day)
* not even fcking, but "exclusive" (eg a long distance relationship)
* not actually a boyfriend, but just the dude she's dating that weekend ("I have a boyfriend, but I'm still single" lol)

the term "boyfriend" is used so liberally, to deflect questions of whether the woman is undesirable/ frigid/ lesbian {if she has no man committed to her}
And of course to deflect questions of whether she's mercurial or promiscuous {when she's dating multiples}

Women tend to use "boyfriend" for almost any romantic male acquaintances, except:
* husbands
* fiancées
* coparents/partners (ie they have a child/children together, and live together, but aren't married)

In op's specific case, we have a LDR, with or without coitus, which may or may not be exclusive.
If she's "marriage material" then exclusivity is assumed.
And since op mentioned marriage, one would assume that's one factor to consider in his partners.
Women who are happy to be "plates", or non-exclusive, typically are not marriage material.
But it sounds like you aren't ready for marriage either, which is fine.

 

[viking22]

This seems messy and as other posters have commented there are clearly cultural nuances we don't fully understand.

My suggestion would be to tell your girlfriend that you need a break from the relationship to focus on your studies as you do not have the time for a long distance relationship but she is still very important to you and still think you could one day end up together.

Then you can tell the girls around your college that you're not looking for anything serious because your focus is on your studies but you'd like to go on a date with them. Then if they start pushing for a commitment later down the line reiterate what you said initially.

Be aware that campuses are small places and do not offer much anonymity so if you are spinning plates and not committing to anyone you probably will get a bit of a reputation for being a player. That may be a dealbreaker for some women but not all of them and so long as you aren't leading them on too much it should not be fatal.

I think worst thing you can do is try to hide the long term girlfriend and prepare to be single. What would you do if she starts getting suspicious and decides to visit your campus one day? If you've been together a while she will be able to sense something is up and make trouble. Then you could lose the long term girlfriend and get a reputation on campus as a love rat which will be far more damaging to you.

 

[corrector]

If you have to game the answer, you’re probably gaming the wrong situation.