Should I apologize to her....?

[NewDestiny47]

My g/f of sometime and I recently broke up, kind of mutually. I always blamed it on the fact that she had a lot of jealousy issues, and that I just got tired of it.
When I really think about it though, I think I had a LOT to do with it.

See, several months into the relationship I started to develop very bad anxiety/panic disorder. What started to happen was that I would constantly cancel on her... it got to the point where id see her maybe once every two months or so. Everyday she'd ask me to go with her to lunch etc. and id always make up some stupid excuse, b/c my panic attacks would start kicking in. It got to the point where she wouldn't even ask anymore, she'd just say "what excuse do you have today?? your stomach hurts??? your head hurts??"

When I think of it this way... is it any wonder she was jealous? I turned her down like 50+ times, one time I even cancelled ten minutes before a date when her whole family was there, made her look like a total fool.
She still contacts me, she's rather flirty with me. It seems that there's still interest on her part, though we're in a bad situation no doubt.

Guys, is it time to swallow my pride and tell her what was going on with me that whole time? I haven't told ANYONE about my anxiety except my doctor, i HATE admitting weakness to anyone.
Truth is I really liked this woman and I feel like a lot of this crap was b/c of me.... this goes against my instinct but should I just drop the macho act and write her a letter explaining my problem, why I cancelled so much etc. and apologize for it?

I don't know what would come of it....but I guess it's not like things could get worse than they already are. If I do write her a letter, should I ask for another chance... or just explain what happened and what im doing to get better?

 

[DJDamage]

I suggest you worry about yourself and your problems first and how to overcome them. Fixing yourself first takes priority over fixing a relationship with a girl. You got to tackle one problem at a time.

 

[Last Man Standing]

For what good would your confession be? For what purpose?

 

[My Name is Nobody]

Nope. Never apologize unless you really did something seriously wrong. I didn't read all your post but I doubt you should apologize.

 

[Phyzzle]

If I do write her a letter, should I ask for another chance... or just explain what happened and what im doing to get better?

The second. I can't imagine her giving you another chance. I mean, her interest was already low enough to break up with you, and when she reads about you having an anxiety disorder, is she going to say, "I feel more attraction to him now that he's told me that."?

Really, telling her would be a kind thing to do in order to show her that you never meant to offend. But you should tell her only as a favor to a fellow human being. Don't go expecting any prizes for it.

 

[Lexie]

Yes! I think you should absolutely tell her! She deserves an explanation for you brushing her off like that, it's no wonder she broke up with you. And if she's any kind of a gf she'll be supportive, which it sounds like you could probably use. It's not admitting weakness, it's letting her in on a big part of your life that you should have already shared with her if you wanted the relationship to go anywhere.

 

[ABC]

Don't apologize. If she's still contacting you and flirting with you then her interest level is high. You'll only lower it by groveling.

 

[sav]

if you want to get back together with her then yes, tell her about your issue, tell her its something really personal and if she's ready to deal with it WITH u then its worth getting back together...

 

[kdnash82]

I agree with DJDamage... You need to get your priorities straight first. Fix yourself first. Get yourself together. At the point that you feel like you're whole again and 100%, then you can tell her. I wouldn't apologize for anything. You couldn't help what you were going through. I would just explain the situation. I wouldn't expect anything out of it either.

 

[TheHumanist]

Is it that bad to apologize to her? DJ ideas say it is bad to be a groveling, submissive idea, no one likes the guy who has no backbone, but is the word "I'm Sorry" to a women bad when there is a genunine thing to be sorry for? He stood her up multiple times and once in front of her family. I think she deserve some explaination and the words sorry is within the vocab. That said, I wouldn't recommend a letter. In person is best and explain to her what's going on.

 

[KontrollerX]

I have to agree with humanist.

An apology in person is in order.

If she doesn't believe you its her loss.

 

[MooseGod]

Telling her what's up is not groveling. It's an explanation, not an excuse.

If you don't, there's one more girl in this world with a cynical view of men.

 

[LovelyLady]

Some interesting answers from the men on tis Board. I can see it from her side and want to offer my perspective.

She probably broke with you because she didn't have the information she needed. She stayed with you through a lot of rejection because she CARED about you. I think it would be brave of you to be honest with her about where you are at.

The idea that women only break up when our interest level is low is also not correct. We also break up when we spend more time missing a man than actually being able to BE with him actively loving him. We can be profoundly interested in being with a man, but if you are continually breaking plans and creating obstacles to connecting, there is a point where we realize the guy has left us with nothing to hold on to, to stay FOR. Wanting connection with a man (being interested) and yielding to the fact that he can't/won't connect and letting him go are not the same things. She kept reaching out and you kept rejecting her - without any explanation or chance to problem solve TOGETHER.

This idea that men have about "fixing" themselves or "things" and then getting back to us women later is flawed. When you wait and come back later, it is too little too late. By then we have grieved the loss of you and most likely moved on (not even with another guy, necessarily, just within our hearts).


Hopefully the actual withholding of this important information won't be a dealbreaker - but the "disorder" itself probably wouldn't have been - she obviously put up with a lot of your rejections (and is probably now just thinking you were just playing games) with her.