Should Have Saw It Coming

[ZTIME]

Finally Stuck Up For Myself

I had previously mentioned on this thread about the ex trying to constantly reach out to my mother and talk to her. I must admit that my mother and I don't have the best of relationships, but I maintain a respectful demeanor for the sake of who she is.

A few weeks back I spoke to my mother and told her that I would prefer her not to speak to the ex. I thought all was resolved right there.

Yesterday my mother receives a text from the ex asking why she has removed her from her face book page (yes she has a face book page) and hasn't been in touch with her.

She further states that her children will always love her as a grandmother and me as a "positive father figure" in their lives. She said she didn't know how to thank me for everything I've done for her and her children and wishes that I would reply to any of the messages she has already sent.

So my mother asks me how I would like her to reply to these messages.

Hoping my response was correct, her is what I said: Listen, I get it that you remained friends with the girl I was with for 14 years, but I can't understand why on earth you would even consider responding to a chick who robbed my house and bank accounts. If you think that there is not a problem with this, you are off your rocker.

When I get into relationships, it's not your job to become friends or contact the women I date. So please ignore those messages and any further communication from her.

Hopefully this was handled correctly, but at the time that's the only way I could see handling it.

 

[gov87]

Finally Stuck Up For Myself

I had previously mentioned on this thread about the ex trying to constantly reach out to my mother and talk to her. I must admit that my mother and I don't have the best of relationships, but I maintain a respectful demeanor for the sake of who she is.

A few weeks back I spoke to my mother and told her that I would prefer her not to speak to the ex. I thought all was resolved right there.

Yesterday my mother receives a text from the ex asking why she has removed her from her face book page (yes she has a face book page) and hasn't been in touch with her.

She further states that her children will always love her as a grandmother and me as a "positive father figure" in their lives. She said she didn't know how to thank me for everything I've done for her and her children and wishes that I would reply to any of the messages she has already sent.

So my mother asks me how I would like her to reply to these messages.

Hoping my response was correct, her is what I said: Listen, I get it that you remained friends with the girl I was with for 14 years, but I can't understand why on earth you would even consider responding to a chick who robbed my house and bank accounts. If you think that there is not a problem with this, you are off your rocker.

When I get into relationships, it's not your job to become friends or contact the women I date. So please ignore those messages and any further communication from her.

Hopefully this was handled correctly, but at the time that's the only way I could see handling it.

Z! Good to see you're still posting AND progressing.

The relationship with your mother sounds pretty annoying. It sounds similar in some ways to mine with my father so hopefully I can understand a bit better.

It looks and prob feels like your mother is working against you. I think you handled the situation about as good as you could've by asking your mother to stop replying back to your ex.

Your mother will either respect your boundary by not communicating with her or she will continue to knowing that it isn't good for you since you made that clear.

If she respects your request, awesome. If she doesn't, you must control yourself and do what's best for you... quite similar to what you had to do with your ex.

It sounds like your mother is bringing you down and for whatever reason doesn't realize it or she just doesn't care. I suggest you explore a little more your relationship growing up with her and I'll bet a lot of your AFC behavior was developed from it.

Sadly, when someone is unhealthy for you, you must separate yourself from them.. and it doesn't matter what type of relationship it is- father, mother, brother, etc.

If you've tried and stated your case yet they still bring you down, disconnect from them.

This was/is really hard for me, but I have come to see how important it is. My father will pull a lot of similar BS that brings me down- I'm not exactly sure if it's to feel some kind of control or whatever. When he does this and I let it affect me, it really triggers a lot of the dark places within me that overshadows the good. It was hard to swallow, but I realized he will never really change so the best thing for me to do is disconnect. I tried for so long to gain his validation, but that was the exact thing that held me back.

When people see they can get a negative reaction out of you, they feel some form of control that they like (I know, it's sick). Sometimes we can't realize this bc if they're our parents they're supposed to have our best interest right? WRONG. Humans are humans regardless of relation.

I'm not sure if you can relate to a lot of what I just said or not but I thought I'd share in case something in there helps you.

Anyhow, I'm pumped to see the continued growth in your posts. Keep it up man!

 

[ZTIME]

If she respects your request, awesome. If she doesn't, you must control yourself and do what's best for you... quite similar to what you had to do with your ex.

It sounds like your mother is bringing you down and for whatever reason doesn't realize it or she just doesn't care. I suggest you explore a little more your relationship growing up with her and I'll bet a lot of your AFC behavior was developed from it.

Yeah........The funny thing here is that I only lived with this lady for 6 months out of my life. I reconnected with her in my late 20's. She was down and out and I helped her get on her feet. (caught up all of her bills, filled her house with food, and bought her a new car).

I've tried to include her in my life, but not at this level of inclusion! I do hope she gets it though. At this point in my journey, I really just need to keep myself away from anything or anyone who is involved with this toxicity.

The AFC behavior came from being raised by my grandmother who taught me respect for women and all of the things of yesteryear that have no relevance as it pertains to women in today's society.

And yes, I'm doing much better then I was when I first started posting. I've involved myself in many new social circles and have been quite successful on approaching women and building a network there also. Nothing serious, just practice and fun. The personality has always been there, just been fixing the insecurity issues that have developed in the last few years.

 

[gov87]

Yeah........The funny thing here is that I only lived with this lady for 6 months out of my life. I reconnected with her in my late 20's. She was down and out and I helped her get on her feet. (caught up all of her bills, filled her house with food, and bought her a new car).

I've tried to include her in my life, but not at this level of inclusion! I do hope she gets it though. At this point in my journey, I really just need to keep myself away from anything or anyone who is involved with this toxicity.

The AFC behavior came from being raised by my grandmother who taught me respect for women and all of the things of yesteryear that have no relevance as it pertains to women in today's society.

And yes, I'm doing much better then I was when I first started posting. I've involved myself in many new social circles and have been quite successful on approaching women and building a network there also. Nothing serious, just practice and fun. The personality has always been there, just been fixing the insecurity issues that have developed in the last few years.

Oh ok, I gotcha man.

You're correct that anything toxic should be kept at a distance, especially at this time of rebuilding yourself the right way. Sounds like you're on the right track with this problem. Keep us posted.

 

[sodbuster]

If she was never IN your life, I don't see that you owe her much.... My mother has been in my life for 55 years and wouldn't pull that BS.....

 

[ZTIME]

Sitting in my office reading some of all of your prolific writings here on SS, and my cell lights up. 3 little texts.

text 1. Picture copy of the ex's son's report card. All A's and B's
text 2. Thought you love to see
text 3. Student of the month

I guess I should be honored to see that all of the hard work I put into these children has paid off. Or that the girl that robbed my house still feels that it's necessary to share this experience.

HHMMMMMM.

 

[Shaka]

She is baiting you with the kids.
Don't fall for it

 

[ZTIME]

Trying to draw a response from you. By using her kids............is there NO low she won't stoop to?

Yeah right!? I've put so much time into NC that at this point in time it's like her sending a copy of her son's report card to the pizza delivery guy!

 

[ZTIME]

I guess I truly will never understand the female mind. I've done the NC thing and will continue to. Just really can't understand why I get the most random texts.

Today
Text 1. Picture of fantasy football standings
Text 2. I made the playoffs
Text 3. You are lucky you had me to pick winning players ))
Text 4. If you win I think I should get half... You know I did give birth to that team.
Text 5. Or at least pay football support!

It really shouldn't matter, but I'm really thrown off by the randomness of these things. Fu**ing Fantasy Football?

 

[ZTIME]

Almost broke the cardinal rule. Man, alcohol can sure bring out some rage.

Went out this weekend with some friends. One of my friends sisters was there, and says: "Wow, it's so funny seeing you here! I just got done getting my hair done with your ex, and man do I have some s**t to tell you!"

Me: "Yeah, that's been over for awhile and there really isn't anything to talk about when it comes to that topic."

Her: "No, You need to hear this, I'm so pissed at that hoe right now! She sat there and admitted to me that she took a bunch of stuff out of your house!"

Me: "Yeah, you already knew that. Your brother is my neighbor"

Her: "Yeah, I knew, but when she told me she added that she wishes she had taken everything, that you have money and could replace more sh*t. She said that she deserves to take whatever she wants after having to deal with your sh*t for 3.5 years!"

Me: "That's ok, She is who She is and I don't have to worry about it anymore."

Her: "If I was you, I would have just gotten my stuff back! She did say that you knew she was going to leave for over a year. She said she told you if you didn't ask her to marry you that she would leave."

Me: "Listen, that chapter of my life is closed. I'm good with it you should be too."

Her: "Yeah, she was asking a bunch more questions about you, wanted to know if there are a bunch of girls coming in and out of your house. I told her there were, but didn't recognize them. I told her I rarely see you and all I know is that you lost a lot of weight, look great, and bought a new sports car. I told her you never bring up her name."

Me: Cool, thanks. Now....Can we talk about some other sh*t, and stop ignoring these other people?'

Never really showed any emotion or interest about the whole conversation, but internally as I drank more and more I started to get angry.

Really? Some Bit** that stole stuff from me wanted to take more? Really? I knew for an entire year that you we're going to move out? Wow!!

As peaceful as I am, when I got home @ 3am I had to leave my phone downstairs in fear that I would call that psycho and go off! With all of the weird texts, and seeing people that know me and want to talk about what happened, it's been a lot to deal with recently.

Dumped here! I never called.

 

[Tenacity]

I would really press charges and get your stuff back, even if you are going to just take it and DONATE it to a charity. I would rather have some unfortunate family that can't afford furniture receive it than some bytch......I understand that you don't want to put the effort forward so just pay off an Attorney to handle everything then.

We have got to start as a group, letting women know we aren't going to stand for bullshyt. It's time to stop just walking away but instead to FIGHT BACK.

 

[ZTIME]

I would really press charges and get your stuff back, even if you are going to just take it and DONATE it to a charity. I would rather have some unfortunate family that can't afford furniture receive it than some bytch......I understand that you don't want to put the effort forward so just pay off an Attorney to handle everything then.

We have got to start as a group, letting women know we aren't going to stand for bullshyt. It's time to stop just walking away but instead to FIGHT BACK.

I totally agree with you, and I should have listened a couple of months ago. I never did though, and the biggest problem is that I never really had any pictures of what was in the house...Never thought I would need them.

I replaced those things awhile ago though and now have pictures of every room.

You know Tenacity, my biggest problem is that I know I'm a genuinely "nice guy". I know I work hard and have my head screwed on straight. I make good money and give back to the community.

After this break-up and finding this sight, I'm starting to see some disturbing sh*t! But I don't want it to change me. I don't want it to change my beliefs. I came here thinking that this chick was really fu*ked up...or maybe it was me. But I never thought that all women could be this same way.

At 43 yrs. of age, it's a game changer. And to have someone out there that continues to mock what she has done is disturbing to me. I don't want to bury it internally because it would make me be the guy that you described in your "rage thread". I can't be that guy! So I try to maintain composure.

But hell, if the world won't change and females still stay the same, I see lot's of upset men in the future.

 

[Tenacity]

ZTIME,

It's why I'm having rage issues on my end. I'm a nice guy too and was forced into adding a jerk or a.sshole like behavior to my personality as a survival tactic. It's not just with women but in business/career as well, if you are a happy go lucky and let's all hold hands type of guy, people will flat out try to SCREW you over. You HAVE to be an a.sshole and selfish a good amount of the time to protect yourself from being walked on, stomped on and shyted on.

My rage issues I believe are the final stage of my true acceptance of the Red Pill shyt in all areas of life. It's just the notion that this quality woman that the media talks about and seduction gurus talk about, does NOT exist.

Think about it, we sit around discussing seduction or being a Don Juan, which helps attract women right? But does anybody actually sit back and critically think in terms of what exactly are the BENEFITS of attracting women? What do you actually GET out of the situation?

- Do you get catered to, love and loyalty? Not really, it's very much like business but YOU are the one behind the counter and she's the one ordering. You have to give it to her "her way" with light mayo and remember the "customer" is always right. We as men have to fix ourselves and work on our "game" just so we can win the grand prize of being some chick's slave.

- Do you get to leave a Legacy? Of course not. If you are a man of means today, you are like a pig waiting to be slaughtered. She will drain you with a divorce (after claiming she doesn't believe in divorce) and she will drain you with excessive child support payments. So FORGET building a business with your wealth and passing it on in the form of Trust Funds, College funds, etc. to your kids. Your money is going to be WASTED in Alimony and Child Support payments to pay for her weave, her convict boyfriend, her spending habits, and fake gucci purses.

- Do you get a Family? Of course not. You don't have this unit of people waiting for you to walk in the door with open arms and appreciation, instead you get a consistent list of NEW things to buy for them that they don't need....in other words, you are their work slave. Your kids grow up spoiled and entitled, and RUDE. And your wife who once was 130 lbs with sexy long black hair, has CUT all her hair off and blew up to 260lbs and gets OFFENDED when you ask her to lose weight.

My solution is to opt out of marriage and creating kids, it's once again a survival tactic JUST like adding in jerk like behavior to my personality was. But for the life of me, I just WISH it was like I was sold. I wish it was that once you became this kick a.ss guy in business and your career, that this QUALITY CHICK was waiting for you at the end of the tunnel to live happily ever after. And I'm pissed the hell off that it's just not going to happen like that.

 

[ZTIME]

ZTIME,

It's why I'm having rage issues on my end. I'm a nice guy too and was forced into adding a jerk or a.sshole like behavior to my personality as a survival tactic. It's not just with women but in business/career as well, if you are a happy go lucky and let's all hold hands type of guy, people will flat out try to SCREW you over. You HAVE to be an a.sshole and selfish a good amount of the time to protect yourself from being walked on, stomped on and shyted on.

My rage issues I believe are the final stage of my true acceptance of the Red Pill shyt in all areas of life. It's just the notion that this quality woman that the media talks about and seduction gurus talk about, does NOT exist.

Think about it, we sit around discussing seduction or being a Don Juan, which helps attract women right? But does anybody actually sit back and critically think in terms of what exactly are the BENEFITS of attracting women? What do you actually GET out of the situation?

- Do you get catered to, love and loyalty? Not really, it's very much like business but YOU are the one behind the counter and she's the one ordering. You have to give it to her "her way" with light mayo and remember the "customer" is always right. We as men have to fix ourselves and work on our "game" just so we can win the grand prize of being some chick's slave.

- Do you get to leave a Legacy? Of course not. If you are a man of means today, you are like a pig waiting to be slaughtered. She will drain you with a divorce (after claiming she doesn't believe in divorce) and she will drain you with excessive child support payments. So FORGET building a business with your wealth and passing it on in the form of Trust Funds, College funds, etc. to your kids. Your money is going to be WASTED in Alimony and Child Support payments to pay for her weave, her convict boyfriend, her spending habits, and fake gucci purses.

- Do you get a Family? Of course not. You don't have this unit of people waiting for you to walk in the door with open arms and appreciation, instead you get a consistent list of NEW things to buy for them that they don't need....in other words, you are their work slave. Your kids grow up spoiled and entitled, and RUDE. And your wife who once was 130 lbs with sexy long black hair, has CUT all her hair off and blew up to 260lbs and gets OFFENDED when you ask her to lose weight.

My solution is to opt out of marriage and creating kids, it's once again a survival tactic JUST like adding in jerk like behavior to my personality was. But for the life of me, I just WISH it was like I was sold. I wish it was that once you became this kick a.ss guy in business and your career, that this QUALITY CHICK was waiting for you at the end of the tunnel to live happily ever after. And I'm pissed the hell off that it's just not going to happen like that.

The worst part about this whole thing is that I fear it's all completely true!

 

[hithard]

The worst part about this whole thing is that I fear it's all completely true!

Stopped by to read this thread to see where you are at, well done with the no contact.
I think someone else mentioned it but her constant contact and $hit stirring is to hoover you back in. These girls are masters at strumming the strings and will keep trying until they hit the right note. You getting angry and almost calling is a sign that the emotional hold she has over you still lingers.
Just throwing a few question out there.
Is it that you need validation for your efforts from her?
I mean you obviously put a lot of effort into her kids and getting her issues sorted for her and then for it to be all thrown back in your face. Yes it hurts. It just feels you still need that pound of flesh from her.

And why did you do all these things for her?
Maybe it to be a good guy, or to build a stronger family unit. Perhaps it was so you wouldn't be alone and that you enjoyed raising kids.

If you want to move on and internalize this $hit then start asking yourself the questions:
What were the flags you overlooked
What bait did you constantly fall for.
What bad emotions keep you attached to this situation
What do you actually want
What in the relationship made you happy (good/bad) etc

You need to know yourself, your wants and failings, completely. Write down every weakness you can remember, the feelings that lead you into places you didn't want to go and any patterns that have cropped up and repeated themselves.
It is vital you have a deep understanding of your core needs for a relationship (lets hope to hell it isn't pain and suffering).
You also need to know what you want.

The reason you need to develop that inner game now is that DJs with a little bit of knowledge have the highest mortality rate. Unfortunately these same kind of girls see through the weak veneer into weak inner game. In fact they seem to be attracted to the point of jumping your bones almost on sight. They then start breaking you down till any semblance of your DJing skills are gone. You must build on strong foundations and have a strong sense of self.

Ok last topic: Acceptance.

I see that last thread of anger/emotion thats attached in each of the posts and it can hold you in place emotionally and waste time on your development.
What you did for those kids was a genuine act. It has changed their lives and they will remember it one way or another. The good you did for that family will come back around again. Don't think it was wasted. In fact any guy that was in a similar situation that thinks they were a chump,whiteknight or beta for doing good.... Never think that. You are a man trying to better the situation of those around him, you hold your head up high and be proud.

The only mistake you made was simply choice.
You blew through the red flags you ignored the bad behaviour and tried to make someone fit into a relationship dynamic they were never meant to fit in. Never try to save someone. Mental illness, bad parenting and a host of other issues will simply beat you. I have tried oh how I have tried. Nothing you did could change who she was and more than likely she could never change who she is. There are many broken people in this world. At some point something terrible has happened to them that has damaged them forever. You must be able to see the signs or instantly disengage. You can not fix them.

The dedication you had, the happy moments you shared and the good you have done were all real. Thats what you should take away from this. You think you have paid for an expensive lesson, well I say it was cheap. Its time to let go and accept the situation for what it is... A cosmic kick up the ar$e for you to get a hurry along to your higher purpose. You were given a chance to grow and develop. Some people spend 20 years before they wake up and get that chance.
Don't let it go to waste.

 

[BetterCallSaul]

I've followed this thread off and on, but it's my first time replying.

I wanted to focus on the line the OP mentioned about some friend saying about how she stated "he has money, he can replace stuff", ergo it's ok for her to steal it.

You know, back when I was younger I occasionally fell for that line of reasoning for someone who didn't have as much. Now that I'm older, had to work a lot to get what I have, and am more educated in history and general world politics today, I absolutely despise people who think this way. This is nothing short of communism; that is precisely what it does. Takes wealth from those who earn it and redistributes it according to what the state thinks is best.

After all the hard work I've done to get to where I am today, years of suffering people's bull$hit in the workplace, and finally am on a good track and able to provide for myself and my family what I think they need, and then someone wants to come along and tell me I didn't earn all of that or I don't deserve it? F*ck them. Many of us here who live in the U.S. are blessed to live in one of the greatest nations in the world which has plenty of opportunity to advance your career and the prospects in your life. The majority of people I've come across who subscribe to that level of thinking like your ex are usually just plain lazy and worthless scum. The general dregs of society.

Don't respond of course. Is there any way you can just block the number? At this point for her, any response, even one with you going off on her, is something more than she had and she'll use it to her advantage.


Always remember: the best revenge is living well.

 

[ZTIME]

Is it that you need validation for your efforts from her?
And why did you do all these things for her?[QUOTE]

First and fore most let me say thank you for your post to this thread. I read it this morning and absorbed a lot. I figured I would respond to your 2 questions incase it helps anyone to learn from my experience. I'm going to answer them backwards, but you'll get it.

When I first started dating this girl, she told me all kinds of stories about her f**ked up past, and how horrible her ex was to her and her children. I really bought into the fact that none of the things that happened to her were her fault. So yes, I missed a lot of red flags.

She wasn't a wealthy girl but had an ok job, and at the time she was pretty hot.(she let herself go after about 2 years). Things were pretty decent for the first year or so. Anyway, I'm older then she is and have a good income and I had the means to help her out. She would cry and say she would be much happier if she had full custody of her children. I had already met the children and thought that I was doing the right thing by helping out.

A good friend of mine is a "high end" family attorney and took on the case without a problem.(he did it for me). So she got full custody of the children. She moved them into my house where they would have access to a great neighborhood, great schools, and great after school programs.

The real problem was that due to the children's upbringing (another big red flag) they were horribly behaved and horrible students. Each one of them had their own separate issues that needed to be addressed differently.

I worked hard to get them acclimated to the "real world" and to help them with their problems. Within 6-7 months they had become straight A-B students on honor roll. They developed friendships in school and in the neighborhood, and started playing sports. They excelled.

I tried hard to help with every problem that arose, and worked hard everyday to support my "pseudo family". I'm not going to lie, I enjoyed being needed, and liked being a part of something that I could help with.

The true problem was the EX! After a while, nothing was good enough. I started to feel defeated. No matter how much I wanted to celebrate the accomplishments of myself and the family...It was just never good enough. It would either be that I spend too much time with the kids or not enough. I worked too much, or didn't work enough. I didn't give her enough attention, or I needed to leave her alone. It became both confusing and depressing.

I really let myself go in the process. Gained a lot of weight. Started drinking quite a bit, and stayed away from the house as much as possible. I really hated my life. All along just depending on her for a thank you or some sort of validation about my efforts for her and her children....Sadly, it never came.

The day that everything ended started out like any other day. I was up getting ready to go to work, the kids were getting ready for school, but there was a really bed aura around the whole house. You could feel the tension from everyone. The kids went to school never to be seen again. No real goodbyes, no discussion of the events, and I never heard from them again.

Maybe I was expecting some sort of validation or thank you. Maybe I still feel that I'm owed at least that, but it never came. From her or from the children. To me, it was 4 lives that I impacted, not just one. And for all of the time and money invested, I got robbed, bad mouthed, and lied to. (not a very good R.O.I.).

I learned a lot from this situation, and I'm a better man for it. I love life and the path that I have chosen. I look back at some good memories, but the majority of the relationship was just lessons on becoming weak and controlled.

I go out now. I live life free, and I have fun. Talking to women and ban**ng them has never really been a problem, but trusting them has just taken on a whole new dynamic in my life. I'm sure down the road I'll be able to open up a little more freely, but for now the wounds are healing.

As stated before, I respect every post that was added to this thread. It's given me a lot of new perspective into women and into myself. No matter what you guys have going on in other threads, you took the time to help me when I needed it, and today I am a better man for it.

“Three things cannot be long hidden: the sun, the moon, and the truth.”- Buddha

 

[hithard]

These girls are broken. No matter how hard you try to drag them up into a better life, they will end up sucking the energy out of you and drag you down. There has been an explosion of these biatches in my area over the last decade. For every 7 and above in looks, the ratio of damaged to relationship worthy is roughly 20:1. Hey its fun sampling though. Like I have said before, know what girl goes where. Are they pump and dump, friend, plate or relationship. Let them add something to your life before you add anything to theirs. Assigning them the right position makes it easier for them to do their job. Put them in the wrong one and it will cost you big time.
Good luck with it. Great thread too.

Just to add
Logic has no place with these girls so for everyone thats been stung don't break down the relationship in your head searching for where you went wrong. They do not work in the realms of logic or decency. Nothing you do will fix it.

 

[Augustus_McCrae]

ZTIME,

I would like to commend you on your honesty, it has made this thread an excellent one.

Also, bear in mind that just by posting your story you are helping other guys out.

Please keep us updated on your progress.

-Augustus-

 

[Greasy Pig]

Good job on not breaking NC! These bytches can't handle radio silence and will try anything to get you to bite. Trying to bait you with talk of fantasy football is a classic disarming technique.
An ex of mine whom I went NC on even tried to bring up a funny sexual encounter we'd had once but I knew it was just a ruse to get me to reengage and maintained NC.
Keep it up and don't let her impact your new awesome life. You know you're better without her and you know that breaking NC means she wins.