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She's not my type

thirdtimescharm

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I've got a curse. I have a type. The problem with this is I didn't recognize this in my "youth." Most women of that type are significantly younger, 20's, 30's, and fewer in their 40's. Or maybe this is true of all of us as we age. The fact remains that in my age bracket, my type really doesn't exist, at least not on any dating site that I've seen. Generally, I find that my type is predominantly already attached, which leads me to believe that there's some quality in this type that is highly prized. Sucks to be me, I guess.

On a recent weekend out at a street fest, I passed by a woman who I recognized from a dating site. I didn't remember if I had interacted with her, but the recognition appeared mutual. The game was afoot. Soon after the initial eye contact, I approached her and we got to talking. As we chatted I was able to verify that I had messaged her about 3 months ago. The message was positive but she did not reply, which was my intention at the time as we seemed like a good match on paper. I was fresh out of a three year relationship and while her profile was very interesting to me I didn't view her as a potential hook-up possibility, which was all I was really looking for at that time. On the dating site I messaged her, "A friend told me that I should't rebound with anyone good, and you seem good to me." Since, I've had my rebound and gotten a few crummy dates under my belt, so the timing is better.

Now, the caveat: She isn't my type. The surprise was as we talked, my interest level was skyrocketing. We had a lot of connections back to our youth, personal, work, cultural. She's a beautiful woman, truly a head turner, and like me, looks nowhere near our age, but I'm sure without the "history" and my prior online connection, I might not noticed her outside of a casually interested glance. She later told me that she did not recognize me from the dating site photo, but that I was simply *her type.*

On a subsequent concert date less than a week later, we were making out like teenagers and it was as arousing as anything I can remember, and this even eclipsed my "rebound" where a woman I was attracted to booty-called me at 3 AM. Ok, maybe it doesn't suck to be me after all.

Our second time together happened at a street-fest, where we both had multiple friends around. Things progressed as they had on our first date and later when most of the friends had gone, the face-mashing continued. Infatuation was in full bloom. So too was the likelihood of too much alcohol spoiling the party.

Around 2:30 AM as we made our way to head home in a cab, the mood suddenly changed. Inside the cab, she mentioned she was upset that I didn't buy her and her friend drinks the night we met. And she was upset about a comment I made about how we were going to get home, as no public transportation was near the fest we attended. Apparently the fact that I was trying to get an uber when the cab arrived slipped by. She used the word "cheap." The air turned cold.

There are multiple reasons to explain this behavior. On the night we first met, the friend of mine who was attended with me had whispered "they don't expect us to buy them drinks?" to me, and while in that situation I was fully prepared to by them drinks, I didn't want to put my friend on the spot at that point. So I held back.

Second, with regards to the public transportation comment: I was just kidding, as the street was blocked off and I was not exactly walking a straight line. Personally, I have no issue with public trans and she said she didn't either, so it was just the timing and the alcohol as far as I'm concerned.

Third, perhaps she was worried that I was going to attempt to take her to *her* home and she wasn't ready for that. To be honest, I would have if I felt she was that *type* of woman, but I had no expectations. None. Zero. Zilch. Sure, I wouldn't have turned it down but I actually am ok with spending time with someone before jumping in the sack. Not that much time hopefully, but with the level of attraction we already had, I figured I could be patient.

So the cab arrives at her place and the conversation is straining. A quick peck on the lips brings the night to a close and she bounds up the steps. I'm left in the cab feeling empty, sad, alone, deflated. Minutes before I'm on top of my world, and now I don't have a clue. Was that it? Is it over?

I sent her a text after I got home, seeking clarity, explanation. The next day as I'm on my way to a a family function, I call her and leave a voice message, saying that we ought to move beyond text and talk. Later in the afternoon she replies, says she she's horribly hung over and hopes I'm not as bad off. Also, says dated a "cheap" guy before and it's a red flag. I reply, explaining my side, reminding her that I did drop about $100 bucks on our concert date, as an example. I even had to grease the palm of the bouncer to get in because the show was sold out. Does that strike you as cheap?
(edit: I know: I should never explain myself)

So she replies to this, says she doesn't want to argue, especially in her hungover state. She doesn't like text or phone for this reason, she texts. I know how text can be misunderstood, misconstrued, misread. I say: I'm not arguing. I'm communicating. Trying to understand her point of view and share my honest feelings. Get past the apparent misunderstanding.

She relents. Says we should talk during the week. Last night, she was feeling better and while at another concert with a friend she sends me a photo and a short friendly message. I reply in-kind.

Now, before I get accused of one-itis, know this: I had a coffee date with another woman in the morning before my family function. I had another first meeting planned for today, though I'm canceling since I feel a little under the weather. She's not the only woman in the world. I get it.

Question is, should I even be giving her another chance? Am I trying too hard to explain her flip-flop on alcohol and misunderstanding? I can read it both ways. Yes, the chemistry was the biggest intoxicant. Yes, alcohol may have pushed our limits. Yes, she's a traditional woman who is not my type and she might *expect* I buy all the drinks in the future. Yes, it could all be over already anyway. Oh, and she's not my type. If this were to last, am I wasting my time? Will I be drawn back to the quest for my type, only to land back in that sea of frustration?

Discuss?
 
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PantyWhisperer

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You need to watch women who Jekyll/Hyde when alcohol is involved. That's a big red flag. Maybe her mask has come off. Calling a man cheap to his face is like saying he has a tiny willy. You just don't do it. Next her.
 

thirdtimescharm

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PantyWhisperer: Definitely a big red flag. I told her mine: Mood swings, disrespect to me or my friends or towards any particular people in general. The whole Jekyll/Hyde thing is huge in my book. I was married to one of those.

Do I want to give her another chance? Yes, because the attraction *was* so strong. I'm willing to see her again, if only to see if the attraction is dead and buried already, which is certainly possible. In the light of day, without drinks...what's left? Now I can go with no expectation of anything. Learn something, I hope.

And just as I'm typing this, she messaged me, asking how I'm doing. We shall see.
 
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thirdtimescharm

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Total over-statement there, Royal. I use online dating too. I don't know enough to say she is a greedy user. She's not a total stranger. We have history that goes way back, just no direct contact. She knows people I know, and I know people she knows, who said very good things about her.

As far as being rude and disrespectful, I don't think there's a timetable on that either. Hopefully it gets spotted sooner rather than later. Yes, some bad behavior happened here, and I've lowered my opinion accordingly. She has to prove herself to me.

My type...generally would be smart, opinionated, edgy, independent, artistic, creative, and confident.
 

Desdinova

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It sounds like this woman is more interested in your wallet than you. She's going to continue stringing you along, giving you guilt trips while she continues to use you for money. A truly interested woman won't give a 5hit about how much you spend on her. You're falling into the AFC trap of paying for her 5hit in hopes of receiving sex. You should be focusing on getting sex using nothing but your personality.

This woman is from an online dating site, meaning she has likely gone on many dates and discovered she can use men to her advantage. You're just another one she's going to use until your wallet runs dry.

If I were you, I'd run. Spend your money on something else.
 

thirdtimescharm

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Thanks for the tough-love here. As some time has passed, if becomes clearer that the odds of anything coming from this go lower by the minute. She's lived a life of high expectation, and that expectation is she deserves to be catered to. That's not my type. My type is a woman who recognizes we are in this thing together.
 

SuckItUp

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You knew she wasn't your type to begin with so trust your gut. Men far too often accept rather than filter a woman out of a need/desire for acceptance. You pre-screened her and adjudged she didn't meet your requirements so why take on a losing proposition.

To use a poker analogy stop chasing one outers with long pot odds it's not a worth while gamble.
 
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thirdtimescharm

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Suck it up, you've answered my core concern and behavior. Even though I knew she wasn't my type, attraction can still happen. It was especially seductive because I am recently out of a long relationship and haven't had anything that strong out of the gate. Now I feel lucky that she showed her true colors so quickly and I don't have to waste any more effort or money.
 

dude99

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It is one thing for her to want you to buy her drinks, it's selfish for her to expect it.

Want to know what the biggest red flag in all of this was, and reason for you to ditch her? She is a user and like it had already been said, she wants your wallet not you. What was that red flag you ask?

She expexted you to buy her friend drinks.

Sorry gentlemen, there is never a good reason to ever pay for the third wheel. That is huge sign she is a user.

Next this one.
 

PantyWhisperer

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It is one thing for her to want you to buy her drinks, it's selfish for her to expect it.

Want to know what the biggest red flag in all of this was, and reason for you to ditch her? She is a user and like it had already been said, she wants your wallet not you. What was that red flag you ask?

She expexted you to buy her friend drinks.

Sorry gentlemen, there is never a good reason to ever pay for the third wheel. That is huge sign she is a user.

Next this one.
I had something similar one time where this chick was having a birthday, and I was not yet banging her but I was sure trying. I decided to buy her a drink and she expected me to buy a round for the whole table, which had guys and girls at it. Excuse me? I don't think so. I wasn't even with that group of people, I was just in the same bar as her that night.
Needless to say, no drinks were bought for her friends. The nerve of some girls.
 

thirdtimescharm

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I'm totally clear on this now. This is what happens when you are in a relationship for three years and when you get back out there and the selfish users try to suck you back down a hole again. Glad I have this place to come back to help me see straight again.
 

dude99

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I had something similar one time where this chick was having a birthday, and I was not yet banging her but I was sure trying. I decided to buy her a drink and she expected me to buy a round for the whole table, which had guys and girls at it. Excuse me? I don't think so. I wasn't even with that group of people, I was just in the same bar as her that night.
Needless to say, no drinks were bought for her friends. The nerve of some girls.
Indeed. Anytime they expect you to foot the bill for their friends you have a user on your hands and they know it. They see you as a chump and are laughing at you on the inside.

Imagine turning the tables....hey there sweety how about you buy me and my wing man drinks all night. Sound good?
 

dude99

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I'm totally clear on this now. This is what happens when you are in a relationship for three years and when you get back out there and the selfish users try to suck you back down a hole again. Glad I have this place to come back to help me see straight again.

Glad to help you get back on your feet. And save you money..

Some girls are just wired to think they can use guys.
 

thirdtimescharm

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Totally, and I know exactly where her faulty wiring came from, since I used to work there.

I'm still wrestling with something here though...I had told her we should get together and talk, but no plan has been made. I don't want to just ghost the whole thing, because we do have a lot of people in common and it is highly probable I'm going to run in to her again. I have zero interest in her or any of her friends. I know there's no going back from her "cheap" comment, 100%. So what do I to close the loop? Nothing?
 
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PantyWhisperer

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I'd ghost her just to see the look on her face when I did run into her again. Women like her need their comeuppance.
 

thirdtimescharm

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You might be right. If I make any further contact efforts, she will just think she's got power over me. This is what she is used to getting, as she's had a lifetime of perfecting this ****e. Some other fool will show up next weekend and play the same sad game, and nothing I do or say is going to change that.
 

dude99

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Totally, and I know exactly where her faulty wiring came from, since I used to work there.

I'm still wrestling with something here though...I had told her we should get together and talk, but no plan has been made. I don't want to just ghost the whole thing, because we do have a lot of people in common and it is highly probable I'm going to run in to her again. I have zero interest in her or any of her friends. I know there's no going back from her "cheap" comment, 100%. So what do I to close the loop? Nothing?
Do you owe her anything?
No.
Why reward a bad quality woman with your attention.

Ask yourself "what will i get out of keeping in contact with a bad quality user?"
 

dude99

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You might be right. If I make any further contact efforts, she will just think she's got power over me. This is what she is used to getting, as she's had a lifetime of perfecting this ****e. Some other fool will show up next weekend and play the same sad game, and nothing I do or say is going to change that.
Don't be that fool. She will lead him on make him think he is in good, empty his wallet then turn on him because he won't have what she wants anymore.
 

Yewki

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OP I read your detailed essay and while it was interesting...

You care entirely too much

Regardless of whether she's worth pursuing, your desperation for validation and attention is holding you back and actually driving her interest down
 
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