she's done a cancel on me...

[Vypros]

okay. i promise i won't crack. i'll update when something happens. she's offline now. i never said anything

It's not enough for you to just promise you won't crack.Hell, i've been there.

If you do not find ways to distract yourself, to keep yourself busy, etc. you WILL give in in a weak moment.

Why am I so sure? Because I've been there and I've done it.

In fact, your best course of action at the moment is to get the heck offline for a while. Don't play with fire, because I don't think you are prepared to handle that kind of temptation.

On the other hand, don't sweat it even if you do give in. You'll eventually reach a threshold of pain where it's just not worth it to talk to her. But by that time she'll probably be done with you anyway.

 

[Vlad the 1mpaler]

It's not enough for you to just promise you won't crack.Hell, i've been there.

If you do not find ways to distract yourself, to keep yourself busy, etc. you WILL give in in a weak moment.

Why am I so sure? Because I've been there and I've done it.

In fact, your best course of action at the moment is to get the heck offline for a while. Don't play with fire, because I don't think you are prepared to handle that kind of temptation.

On the other hand, don't sweat it even if you do give in. You'll eventually reach a threshold of pain where it's just not worth it to talk to her. But by that time she'll probably be done with you anyway.

One thing that always KILLED me is alcohol. Still does.

If I am trying to be strong and not contact a girl and I have a few drinks, I end up contacting her.

I have learned to NEVER drink when you are trying to be strong about not contacting a woman.

Go for a run, or the gym instead.

 

[tonyy-montana]

lucky for me i don't drink

 

[Vlad the 1mpaler]

lucky for me i don't drink

I have another idea for you. Next time she contacts you, tell her this:

"Did you clear a time for us to meet up and have fun yet?"

If the answer is NO or anything like NO, then just type:

"oh ok, take it easy" and go back to ignoring her.

Just keep doing it like this until she says YES. But every time she says NO to meeting, ignore her for a couple days.

Oh yeah, and never initiate contact with her. This can ONLY work if she initiates contact.

 

[Igetit!]

Well I hope this little strategy of yours works.

I understand what Vlad the Impaler was trying to get you to do. Personally though,I'd have done the same thing he suggested,just in a indirect manner. I wouldn't have verbally said anything to her about her meeting up with you. I just would have started talking to her less and less,and would have given her the impression that I have other things going on in my life(school,work,family,friends,other women to date,etc.). And if she were to ask me why I haven't been available to talk to her much lately,I'd have said that I've been busy. This way,she'd had been internally motivated to see you because she would have seen that all the time and attention she's used to getting from you is going someplace else,and possibly someone else.

She would have possibly wanted to meet up with you out of fear of losing you.
Now your hope is that she'll hangout with you is based on you giving her an ultimatum instead. Not saying it can't or won't work,just it's better if the push to see you comes from within her rather than from the outside.

I'm curious. Just how long has this cat and mouse game been going on between you two?

 

[tonyy-montana]

i think tuesday. probably started when she called me i suppose. few days now. i am trying to keep myself busy. but its hard cause im usually online alot. as i said im new to this town i just moved in. i dont work atm... anyway this other girl i was talking to at the same time. she just said this to me a few mins ago:

her: you stopped chatting to me.
me: yeah i been busy working and stuff. not my fault <-- i dont work i just lied lol
her: no i mean when i was chatting to you. you dont talk back

*which is a lie - she thinks that cause sometimes when she asked me a question i'd answer it and she never said anything else. so no one talked.*

me: i asked for your number last week so we could talk and get to know each other. but you didnt give it. chatting gets a bit boring.

her: i dont give my number out so quickly on these types of things
me: well how long does it take because im sure we spoke about almost everything about each other.
me: where i live, my background, my likes, dislikes. what else you need to know
me: if ur so worried about numbers just call me on private?
me: talk to me when ur ready to get to know each other properly. later.
her: it's just something i dont do often
her: im always pretty cautious


- i probably ****ed that one up but oh well. oh and she just re added me. she deleted me before.

basically im doin the same thing to this girl with the other. until they wanna meet or whatever fuk them.

now i got another situation on my hands. my friend just msg me saying "are you still talking to ****. she told me she thinks you dont like her."

thats pretty retarded of her .. i never said that .. i just said: let me know when you find time to meet. later.

i assume shes just tryin to get me to talk to her again by doing it through my so called friend who im starting to dislike. hes probably trying to fuk her now.

he just asked me if he could fuk her? i feel like just saying go for it ? i dunno.

 

[tonyy-montana]

her: dont u want to talk to me anymore

few mins later:

her: ok i guess you dont
her: do you want me to delete your number

is she retarded? i didnt say i hated her i just said.. talk to me when you want to meet. fuk sake. IGNORED.

actually i did what you said earlier;

me: did you clear a time for us to meet up and have fun yet?
her: what kind of fun?
me: like i said before. let me know when you do
her: what kind of fun are you talking about
me: you will know when we meet.
her: ok then

nothing else. not sure if i did okay there. she never fuking says about meeting. she changes subject.

shes whinging to my friend about it. she said i upset her to him. meh.

 

[Igetit!]

My goodness. This is starting to get ridiculous. You two are arguing like an old married couple and haven't even met each other in person/had a date yet.

Are you blind? Don't you see what she's saying through her responses to you?

You asked her if she's cleared a time for you two to meet up and have fun,then she asked you,"What kind of fun?". She asked you that TWICE. She's doing exactly what she said to you....beng cautious. She asked you what kind of fun,and you didn't answer her directly. You should have said something like go to a mall and walk around,or play a game or two of bowling. Anything where the two of you will be out in public around other people where she'll feel safe.
Certainly you know that when she asked you what kind of fun,she meant something sexual,don't you?

A...C...S

Attraction,comfort,seduction.

You have the attraction,but you're skipping the comfort part.

She doesn't feel comfortable enough with you to be alone with you yet. Can't you see that? What did you think she was going to do? Show up at a complete stranger's house all alone and vunerable where she could possibly get assaulted or even worse? You've been here long enough to know better.

You shouldn't have said ANYTHING about watching movies at you house.
Then that talk about massaging her while she's topless. Yeah...EVEN IF SHE BROUGHT THAT UP,you should have been the MAN and lead.

Is this thing with her salvageable? Hey,I don't know,but I do know this:If she thinks you're ignoring her on purpose,then she knows that she's gotten to you emotionally. She knows you're hurt or angry,and that's NOT good,considering you've yet to meet each other.

You just made things worse.

If she wasn't willing to meet up with you before because of a lack of comfort,you think she'll meet up with you now? Alone? Knowing you're angry/upset?

I highly doubt it.

Although you meant well,ignoring her was a mistake. All you did was show your anger/frustration. You just added more work to your load. First,all you had to do was deal with her not being comfortable with you. Now,you have that,plus the fact she knows you're upset at her.

Sorry,but she's NOT going to met up with alone with some guy she doesn't know who she knows is upset with her. No woman in their right mind would.

I'm only one person,and that's my opinion. Maybe some of the other members have some advice that'll help you win her over.

Good luck.

 

[tonyy-montana]

umm bro.. the girl who said she was being cautious. thats another chick ;P - and if you read my posts properly the date was all set and good to go AT A PUBLIC PLACE (SHOPPING CENTER). i wasnt going to bring her to my house until later and even though she knew that she was happy about that. she was the one who wanted to meet me but she kept calling me everyday and it was getting odd to the point where i told her to only msg me when she wants to meet. no more lovey dovey phone calls and chats. i was taking vlads advice about ignoring her and just saying "let me know when you wanna meet." cause she cancelled on the day. and about the what kinda fun part? she knew very fuking well already a few days ago. shes just playin me. read my posts again closely. thanks for the input though.

 

[DonJuan11]

Dude you have some issues here:

her: dont u want to talk to me anymore

few mins later:

her: ok i guess you dont
her: do you want me to delete your number

is she retarded? i didnt say i hated her i just said.. talk to me when you want to meet. fuk sake. IGNORED.

"Talk to me when you want to meet" is closing her off. Guys get so confused about this. When you like a girl and want to meet her but she doesn't respond, the worst thing you can do is be angry and tell her off. You have to USE THE SITUATION TO YOUR ADVANTAGE. Be happy, be easy going and let things flow, despite the fact that she may be sleeping with a 6'1 hockey player. If you use the situation to your advantage, you will make her think twice about her decision not to meet you and question herself. If you shut her off and get angry such as "talk to me only when there is something in it for me" you are giving her more ammunition to never meet you.

actually i did what you said earlier;

me: did you clear a time for us to meet up and have fun yet?

Translation: When can I have sex with you?

her: what kind of fun?
me: like i said before. let me know when you do

Translation: Pick a day a time to meet. I'm getting very impatient and can't waste any more time talking to you.

her: what kind of fun are you talking about
me: you will know when we meet.

Translation: I don't know yet, I may rape you or strangle you to death, but you will find out when we meet.

her: ok then

nothing else. not sure if i did okay there. she never fuking says about meeting. she changes subject.

You did not do okay there. Put yourself in her shoes with your responses - you sound very creepy and stalkerish. You have to make her feel good about herself before anything. What does she get out of it to meet you? You keep focusing on your problems and needs instead of looking at the situation from HER POINT OF VIEW.

 

[tonyy-montana]

i was the fuking nicest guy in the world to her and she fuked up. cancelled on the day of our date. did NOT even offer to meet another time. never said to reschedule the date. what am i meant to do keep being mr nice guy and talk to her on the phone all fuking night ? didnt seem like she was ever gonna ask to meet. i was the one asking. when i first asked she said yes we are gonna meet. and that i had better be there. but she cancels cause "work" called her in. and that she had a bday party the next day... but she was online all day the lying b1tch.

if i was to "act cool" about everything and pretend im not annoyed at her playing mind games with me. me and her would be playin a tennis game. her calling me every fuking night calling me sweetie and darling and babe and saying how we are gonna meet but we never actually do. fuk her.

btw i was taking vlads advice, thats why i said all those things to her.

 

[horaholic]

While you could have played that last convo a little smoother, I dont blame you for being short with her. Its lame. What Donjuan11 was translating though, really makes sense. If you talk to her again, have your game plan laid out for her, so she can feel comfortable about it.

how about something like this:

'hey, Im not trying to be a jerk here, but its getting pretty frustrating the way you keep dodging our real world meetups. Its making me think you are just playing games with me, and I dont have time for it. Its pretty obvious that Im not a psycho, so lets meet at so and so public place at so and so time. If you dont want to, please have enough respect for me to not keep me hanging like this, and I'll find someone who can appreciate me enough to see me in person. There is a whole world out there that we can explore together, so lets cut this computer, and phone crap and get some fresh air in our lungs. Quit being such a computer nerd! '

Except add some funny, light hearted stuff in there to raise her buying temp.

 

[Vypros]

i was the fuking nicest guy in the world to her and she fuked up. cancelled on the day of our date. did NOT even offer to meet another time. never said to reschedule the date. what am i meant to do keep being mr nice guy and talk to her on the phone all fuking night ? didnt seem like she was ever gonna ask to meet. i was the one asking. when i first asked she said yes we are gonna meet. and that i had better be there. but she cancels cause "work" called her in. and that she had a bday party the next day... but she was online all day the lying b1tch.

if i was to "act cool" about everything and pretend im not annoyed at her playing mind games with me. me and her would be playin a tennis game. her calling me every fuking night calling me sweetie and darling and babe and saying how we are gonna meet but we never actually do. fuk her.

btw i was taking vlads advice, thats why i said all those things to her.

You only think she's playing mind games with you because YOU are playing mind games with HER.

Not only did you play into the whole game of "I'm not going to talk to you until you want to meet" (which I garauntee you she sees as EXTREMELY manipulative...which it is), but you used "niceness" as your ammunition to get what you want (which was also manipulative).

Someone upthread said that you skipped (or glossed over) the comfort stage, and that is exactly right. She wasn't completely comfortable with you yet, so you acted out in a manner that was extremely manipulative. I mean, I know you were just taking advice, but here's the thing....you don't use the "ignore" feature to attract her to you....that's manipulative. You ignore women when you next them. If you were going to ignore her, then you should've made a decision in that moment that you were no longer interested in her despite how she reacted and nexted her. NEVER, EVER ignore a girl to get what you want. Yeah, it works sometimes, but it's also highly manipulative and no true DJ will stoop to manipulation to get what they want. A true DJ will set and maintain boundaries.

If I were you, I'd chalk this up as a learning experience and let her go. If she tries to contact you again, come clean with her what you were doing and apologize to her for being manipulative with her. Tell her that you think it's best you don't talk to her anymore,though, because you are wanting more from her and she keeps flaking on you. Be upfront and honest with her and let the chips fall where they may. I'd chalk her up as a thing of the past though. At this point your only saving grace is to man up and be honest and open with her and chalk the situation up as a loss.

Then remember, in the future, to be more upfront about what you want.

 

[guywhoneedshelp]

i didnt wake up with the feeling that we would meet for sure just incase this would happen. i took it alright. she called me about lunch time and said she got called in for work (its sat here).

me: i thought you didnt have work on sat?
her: me too. they needed someone and called me... i really wanted to meet you... im sorryy.
me: that's fine. we can do it another time. what are you doing tomorrow?
her: umm i have my brothers bday party. umm wait, i think... i gotta pick him up (blah blah she was tryin to see if she could meet me i think)
me: dont worry about it. no problem.. we'll do it next week or something okay?
her: okay... i will call you later to talk okay? *kiss sound* mwa! - bye hun!
me: okay talk later.


- so yeah. that's that. i won't ask again to meet. it's up to her to make up for her fuk up.

I had a girl cancel on me about 5-6 times before I finally took her out to dinner. When I took her out to dinner, things started going well as we got into a personal discussion about her personal life. She starts getting closer to me as we stand outside the restaurant so she can smoke a cigarette as we wait for our food. Then she says "You're such a great guy. That's why I never wanted to hang out with you, I felt so bad letting you take me out! You are so hard working and I'm not. You live on your own and I can't do that." I said to her "I figured that was happening."

The point is I never got mad that she flaked and canceled on me all those times. There were some where she'd text me and be like "Let's go out." and then I'd say "Ok lets go" and she'd suddenly stop answering. There was one time where I had her agree to go out to lunch, in which she said she'd call me when she got out of the shower. She never called. I just acted like it never happened.

Turns out she was so intimidated by the amount of high value I exhibit that she was nervous to hang out with me for the first time. Finally it happened and it will probably happen again soon. She's a really hot girl and like I say the hottest girls seem to have the lowest self-esteem.

 

[Jazzman19]

Anyone else besides me still believe the buddy who was talking to her over MSN is screwing her behind his back? He just said the buddy asked if he could screw her, if he would be cool with that. Only reason I know a buddy would ask that is because he was ALREADY doing that.