She's best friends with her ex

[BadNews]

I've been seeing this girl for roughly 3.5 months. Things have been going great so far, and I'm considering her a candidate for possible LTR in the future.

Anyways, she dated this guy for just over 7 years...but he treated her like crap through a good chunk of the relationship; cheating on her with MANY other women amoung other things. She finally broke up with him, and didn't speak to him for nearly a year. Sometime last year they re-connected as friends, and have since become best friends. They chat about who theyre seeing, give each other advice, yada yada.

He is really close with her family (not so much with his own) and seems to be some sort of brother type figure in her life now. He hangs out with her sister, goes to family dinners (thanks giving etc)From everything I have been told and observed it is a strictly platonic relationship, and at this point in time I have absolutely no reason to believe otherwise (if it turned out otherwise OBVIOUSLY I'd be done with the situation). He is her best friend from what I can tell. And based on their history she has told me she would NEVER even consider getting into a relationship with him ever again.

My question to you guys is this: Considering this guy is her ex, but they have a very close (and seemingly healthy) platonic relationship, how should I approach MY relationship with him? If I'm going to make her a more permanent part in my life, obviously THIS guy is going to be in the picture in one way or another. I'm not the jealous type, so her being friends with him doesn't bother me. She has brought up the idea of me meeting him a couple times, so its bound to happen sooner or later if I continue with her. Do I simply be "cool" with the guy? If I get more serious with the girl, do I attempt to form some sort of friendship with him? He actually sounds like the kinda guy I could easily be buddies with, and she has said many times we would get along great. I'm just not sure how "close" I would ever want to get with him?

Any insight or advice (especially if you have personal experience with a situation like this) would be greatly appreciated!!! Thanks in advance guys!

 

[The_411]

It's good when girls are friendly with their exes... however assuming what your GF is saying is accurrate I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with someone who cheated on your repeatedly... It's slightly OT but certainly something to keep in mind.

As for the guy your under no obligation to be best buds, treat him like anyone else, be cool, calm, and collected. Just don't try to hard to amke something out of it. Either you get along or you can't stand the guy. Treat it like anyother person you meet.

If you dislike him then let it be and try to not do things with him or tell your girl that you don't get along.

You not required to like of all of your girlfriends friends etc.

Frankly, I just don't get this friendship at all, but then again I operate from a rational viewpoint whereas women operate from emotion.

 

[bigneil]

I would look her right in the eye and ask her "Are you still attracted to him?" and read her body language.

If she says "no" with no emotion - she is telling the truth. ANY OTHER variation such as "...no", or "NOOOOO!", or "why are you asking me that"? indicates she is lying (which means she is sleeping with him). And of course if she answers "yes" then she is still sleeping with him.

I had this exact situation - she was still sending FB messages even though he had cheated on her with multiple women. Some friend huh? I now suspect he was her FB FB the whole time we dated.

 

[scrouds]

There are 6 billion people in the world, 3 of them women. Why you worried about one?

 

[bigneil]

So true scrouds.

Before I got Oneitis I always had the right philosophy - you are only as good as the girls you can pick up regularly. You are not as good as the best girl you've met this year. If you somehow picked up a hotter girl than you can normally land, and can't find another one that hot, she will figure it out and leave you.

This situation can of course be caused by living in an environment with not many women however, which was my case.

 

[vatoloco]

Anyways, she dated this guy for just over 7 years...but he treated her like crap through a good chunk of the relationship; cheating on her with MANY other women amoung other things.

What does that tell you about her self-esteem?

I wouldn't get involved with this girl for anything besides sex. If you were to enter a LTR (of course, assuming she's even interested ), you'd be doing yourself a disservice.

 

[BadNews]

It's good when girls are friendly with their exes... however assuming what your GF is saying is accurrate I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with someone who cheated on your repeatedly... It's slightly OT but certainly something to keep in mind.

I havn't given her the pleasure of GF title yet, I'm taking things slow and just having fun getting to know her for the time being. That being said, I'm starting to think she is GF material for sure...so we'll see where it leads.

I didn't really understand it when I first started spending time with her either. And I find it a little strange to be friends with someone who has caused you so much pain in the past. I guess the time she took going NC with him was enough for her to forgive and forget (not to the point of "its ok, lets try again"...but she was able to move past the hurt he caused her) and when they reconnected as friends it worked out really well. It actually sounds like an incredibly healthy friendship, I kinda wish I was in a similar situation with an ex of mine for the simple reason that nobody knows me better than my ex. They talk about the relationships they're in, who they're seeing, give each other advice, and I guess it works for them. A plus is that the guy seems to be rooting for me (she has TONS of guys chasing her) and I'm not gonna complain about that.

I would look her right in the eye and ask her "Are you still attracted to him?" and read her body language.

When she brought up her relationship with him, explained that it was important to her, and that MOST guys she's seen/dated were NOT ok with it (which doesn't work for her) I did exactly this. I looked her in the eye and asked if she was still into him, and if there was a possibility she would consider making another try at a romantic relationship with him. Her response was concise, to the point, and made me feel extremely comfortable. I don't think she could have given a better response, as she made it VERY clear she would NEVER consider a romantic relationship with him after what she'd been through. Its just not worth her time, and she really values the platonic relationship they've created over the past year or so and wouldn't even consider exchanging it for another "try" at a romantic one.

There are 6 billion people in the world, 3 of them women. Why you worried about one?

Not sure if this is a troll or not, but I'll bite. This statement is a tad on the ignorant side.

Not everyone in this world has the aim to solely to bang random girls, have no meaningful relationships, and move from one woman to the next as the wind changes. I have other plates on the go, so don't make assumptions there. Some women are only good for fvcking, others are keepers...and when I date women it is for the purposes of finding someone with POTENTIAL for a LTR, or more; i.e. a keeper. Yes there are 3+ billion other women in the world...but at the moment I like THIS particular woman...and there is nothing wrong with that. Until there is adequate reason for me to get rid of her, I'm gonna continue and see where things lead. Also, I have known this girl for about 15 years, hadn't seen her for years and years until a few months ago and now we're totally hitting it off, so she's not an entirely random girl I picked up sargin.



Anyways, I realize I have absolutely NO obligation to be "buddies" with this guy..and I think 411 gave some good advice. I should probably just meet him and see what happens. At the end of the day, I guess it doesn't matter THAT much.

 

[BadNews]

So true scrouds.

Before I got Oneitis I always had the right philosophy - you are only as good as the girls you can pick up regularly. You are not as good as the best girl you've met this year. If you somehow picked up a hotter girl than you can normally land, and can't find another one that hot, she will figure it out and leave you.

This situation can of course be caused by living in an environment with not many women however, which was my case.

This isn't really relevant to my situation. I have no trouble picking up women regularly...at all. This girl is a bomb shell, but I've had/can/will pick up hotter women, that isn't even close to a concern for me. I like her for who she is...I don't screen women for potential LTR based solely on looks. This girl has the looks, the sense of humor, and BRAINS to boot. Shes a 23 year old accountant who just purchased her second home, has her **** together, is in a similar place in life as I am, and is genuinely a GREAT person.

What does that tell you about her self-esteem?

I wouldn't get involved with this girl for anything besides sex. If you were to enter a LTR (of course, assuming she's even interested ), you'd be doing yourself a disservice.

This was a relationship that started in grade 10. It was her "first love", and I know from experience you learn A LOT about yourself, what you want, and what you'll put up with from your partner when you find your "first love" and it doesn't work out. If you met her, her having low self-esteem would be the last thing to cross your mind. Keep in mind, this relationship ended roughly 2.5 years ago(?) and she was very young when he put her through all that crap. I'm certain she has learned a lot from it, as well as a lot since being OUT of it.

I put up with a lot of crap with my "first love" through a 5.5 year relationship, and I learned a HELL of a lot. Would I ever put up with any of that BS again? Nope. But sometimes (probably ALL the time) people need to learn things the hard way to find out who they really are.

 

[bigneil]

This isn't really relevant to my situation. I have no trouble picking up women regularly...at all.

Yes I meant to add it's not all about looks. You might find a girl who has a rare personality, extra smart, or funny - but in the end, it also means harder to replace. You're still admitting you can't find another girl like her.

 

[bigneil]

She made it VERY clear she would NEVER consider a romantic relationship with him after what she'd been through.

Then BELIEVE HER. We have to trust the girls we are dating or by definition they are the wrong girls for us.

There is an old saying "Once a woman has loved a man she will do anything for him, except love him again".

 

[BadNews]

Yes I meant to add it's not all about looks. You might find a girl who has a rare personality, extra smart, or funny - but in the end, it also means harder to replace. You're still admitting you can't find another girl like her.

Nobody is going to be exactly the same as her. Thats a given right? Would I be able to find someone I hold of equal value? Of COURSE! That isn't a concern for me. I realize that if/when things don't work out, thats just the way the cookie crumbles. Have I put this woman on a pedestal thinking I couldn't do better? Nope. I'm quite certain I could do better, but at this point in time I'm really diggin this girl...so why not see where things could go? She is definitely a diamond in the rough, but I'm not so naive to think there aren't other diamonds out there, or to think that they're out of my reach.

Then BELIEVE HER. We have to trust the girls we are dating or by definition they are the wrong girls for us.

There is an old saying "Once a woman has loved a man she will do anything for him, except love him again".

Excellent quote!

I do believe her. I'm not the jealous type, and she has given me absolutely no reason not to trust her. I learned from my last LTR (nearly 6 years) that a relationship will NOT work if you can't/don't trust the person...on the same note, if they break your trust...well..see the first part of this sentence

 

[GhostWriter]

She must've loved the way he treated her to be in a relationship for 7 years.

It is only safe to assume she may treat you like her bf did her. After all, she'll only think of it to be normal.

You can trust your girlfriend but you can't trust her ex. Still going to thanksgiving dinners? So this coming Nov. you're going to be just another guy that's going to have dinner with her family? WEIRD.

 

[mahoney]

i have no problem if a gf is good friends with an ex

i think its better all round to be on good terms with the ex, if it happens naturally (tho dont push for it if it doesnt - just be normal about it basically)

i'd have more of a problem with the fact that she dated for a long while someone who treated her badly. i have a hard time imagining any gf i have had being in that kind of position (tho i know stuff happens and people find themselves in bad places sometimes)

 

[Jaylan]

Sorry but a love interest being too good of friends with an ex is a deal breaker for me until they draw their relationship back a bit. Ive dealt with, and seen too many people get dramas from situations like that.

They are exes for a reason in my book, and I have yet to keep any of mine around because that would only hold back my dating life.

 

[Fred_Scuttle]

Sounds like a disaster to me. She can always go back to him for sex anytime she needs him. They both have a history together and can talk anytime they please. some women are glutton for punishment when they stay with a cheater. Don't be gullible with her, she will cheat on you sometime with him so your better off findng someone else. You seem a bit young and inexperienced with the dating game. Here is a good rule to follow for the future. Don't always believe everything a woman tells you about another guy or an ex because it is usually the opposite of what they're telling you.

 

[phatboi408]

**** that faqqot

 

[f283000]

Playersupreme once said something like this "if you're a nice guy, you treat a woman well, buy her flowers and tell her you love her she spits on your face, but if you break her heart she will still love you and can't get over you" (not exact quote)

This is the issue at hand here. When you have no game women will dump you, give you the friend card, will want nothing to do with you. They will ignore your texts, phone calls, you will be left out in the cold like if you never existed.

However, here we have an ex that treated her like crap and she still talks to him and is best friends with him!

It goes back to the quote from player supreme. While your gf might not admit it or know it a part inside her in her subconscious still wants her ex. This is what happens when you mind f*** a woman. They can't get over you. Women are all emotions and the stronger the emotions you make her feel the harder it will be for them to forget you.

Doesn't mean she will cheat. In situations like this it just means that a guy with his game he could have her back and steal her from you IF HE REALLY WANTED. He's still the alpha male to her and that shows by her still talking to him.

When a woman thinks she has the best deal she can get the past will get ignored. This is what happens to most guys that get dumped. This doesn't make you look very good unfortunately.

So while she might not cheat on you it sucks to have the thought on your mind that he could still f*** her if he really wanted.

 

[BadNews]

Playersupreme once said something like this "if you're a nice guy, you treat a woman well, buy her flowers and tell her you love her she spits on your face, but if you break her heart she will still love you and can't get over you" (not exact quote)

This is the issue at hand here. When you have no game women will dump you, give you the friend card, will want nothing to do with you. They will ignore your texts, phone calls, you will be left out in the cold like if you never existed.

However, here we have an ex that treated her like crap and she still talks to him and is best friends with him!

It goes back to the quote from player supreme. While your gf might not admit it or know it a part inside her in her subconscious still wants her ex. This is what happens when you mind f*** a woman. They can't get over you. Women are all emotions and the stronger the emotions you make her feel the harder it will be for them to forget you.

Doesn't mean she will cheat. In situations like this it just means that a guy with his game he could have her back and steal her from you IF HE REALLY WANTED. He's still the alpha male to her and that shows by her still talking to him.

When a woman thinks she has the best deal she can get the past will get ignored. This is what happens to most guys that get dumped. This doesn't make you look very good unfortunately.

So while she might not cheat on you it sucks to have the thought on your mind that he could still f*** her if he really wanted.

I guess I'll just have to game better than him? I don't think the guy has particularly good game, based on some of the funny things shes told me about his dating life. They were young, in love, naive kids that were in an extremely long term relationship. I dunno, its hard to describe correctly through text, but I don't get the feeling that is going to be an issue.

I mean, lets be realistic here...her getting back with her ex could ALWAYS be a possibility, but the same could be said of any woman right? On the same note, she could find someone else...at the drop of a hat; thats just the way things go, and is a reality that needs to be expected when dating people.

I'm fairly confident in my game, and my ability to keep her wrapped up in what I have to offer her. This thread has kinda gotten OFF TOPIC lol. But I understand the concern fellas, although...I'm pretty sure I've got things under control.

And ya know what? If it doesn't work out...then I guess it doesn't work out right? Oh well! I'll call up the next girl in line and have fun with her! :yes:


Any of you give advice about how I should approach MY relationship with HIM given the current circumstances? Its obviously a bit of an awkward situation, but I may as well make the best of it right?

 

[Delly2000]

Just sounds strange and complicated.

I would wager that they still have sex from time to time. Just my opinion. Soon as you and her break up or have a problem she gonna go to him for "comfort".

I just don't buy that girls having guys as bestfriends thing. You would have a chance if they wasn't attracted to each other..but the long past relationship throws out that option. In the movies the girl ends up with the bestfriend all the time. This is probably the only one scenario where i think there is a semblance to reality.

Red flag. Don't fall for her. Enjoy the sex while it lasts.

 

[bigneil]

"if you're a nice guy, you treat a woman well, buy her flowers and tell her you love her she spits on your face, but if you break her heart she will still love you and can't get over you"

This is the issue at hand here. When you have no game women will dump you, give you the friend card, will want nothing to do with you. They will ignore your texts, phone calls, you will be left out in the cold like if you never existed.

Because I agree with this I often wonder: does this mean we should preemptively dump them if we really love them? Do we have to pretend not to like them to really get them to love us back?