Shell Beach

[Interceptor]

I tried to read the whole thread but couldn't, because it hit too close to home. I can't go back to the mindset presented here. Why? Because I've seen it doesn't have to be like this. I've changed too much. I had the strength to ease out of the martyr complex. Which is just another matrix.

I hope you read Interceptor's post, and his other posts. He understands the disconnect you're feeling. I know that if you work on yourself, and learn to internalize certain concepts, like emotional strength, personal boundary, win/win situations, masculine polarity, present moment awareness over ego, congruency, ABUNDANCE.... you will start to see little glimmers of a life you may have not thought possible, trying to break through a lifetime of being the martyr. I gurantee you that all those concepts are the opposite of what is being discussed here. And since what's being discussed here is misery, and those are the opposite, hmm...


It's weird. I'm still getting used to it. I grew up idolizing Morrissey (the gloomy singer from the smiths) BECAUSE of his alienation and said "I am THAT". And of course all the depressing films and books that gave me an excuse to not grow as a MAN. We could have a great discussion on who has read the most nihlisitc books or seen the most critically acclaimed films that make you leave the theatre wondering what the hell you are doing on this planet and if perhaps you're just an alien and can't relate to humanity.

But I'm not that anymore. I don't know what I'm becoming but I know what I USED to be, and it's this thread. FVCK THAT!!!!

DO NOT CANONIZE OR GLAMORIZE YOURSELF FOR SUFFERING.
That is one of the most DIFFICULT choices you can EVER make.

There is NO glory in it. Misery is misery and joy is joy and the difference between the two is CHOICE.

CHOICE. Not medications. Not "The newly discovered diaries of the famous philosopher who had no courage".

Very well said, Reset.

Deep and inspiring.
Thanks for sharing.


Interceptor

 

[6-heads lewis]

First, thank you guys for your comments, I realize you have good intentions.

I followed the link and read your posts, and much like this one, there are many terrific points. The main issue is that 90% of readers will say ‘ya that’s awesome!’ and then make no changes as a result, and will not be able to question or reflect, because they didn’t experience it. I went well above the norm in seeking inner answers, as detailed below.

You conflict with your "loneliness' and 'emptiness', you fight against it.

You become needy and desperate.

Then you do without.

Then you find Peace.

And you find Fulfillment.

“self improvement is masturbation… now self destruction, maybe that’s the answer?”

went over a year with no social contact, in person or otherwise, voluntarily
took online courses, literally went weeks without leaving the house, months without talking to anyone
spent most disposable money on gambling and alcohol, gave much to homeless
drinking in public
masturbating in public washrooms, sometimes empty parking lots
threw away all my clothes xcept 1 jeans and 1 shirt, which Ive never washed, full of dirt and food and jizz stains
shave and shower 1 or 2x/week, brushed teeth max 3x/week
bought nothing, cancelled tv and cel phone

“this is how bad your life can get”

When you decide you are never going to get a real job, never have children, never get married and never devote yourself to anything worthwhile, you look to the core of life for answers. If you are not part of society, you have no stake in its success, and become an unbiased observer.

Through isolation and deprivation I saw The Truth, or as close to it as I’ll ever be. There is freedom in hitting bottom; realizing you can kill yourself at any time without consequence is a relief. You see people for what they really are, and lose any sense of entitlement or arrogance. You have nothing and learn to need little. One day I hope to have the courage of true wandering ascetic.

Some people sink and find God. Others just sink. Some people look deeply within themselves and find nothing, or worse, find something they don’t like.

“Under and behind and inside everything this man took for granted, something horrible had been growing.”

Few people will ever understand how low someone has to sink before doing what Seung Cho did. The isolated man loses all sense of identity and individuality. You are no longer a person, you have no opinions or beliefs, you are merely a compilation of bone and flesh. It gets dangerous when you start viewing other people the same way. In your darkest hour, you question if mass murder is actually an act of compassion.

Everything I thought I knew was wrong, and in 10 years everything I think I know now will probably turn out to be wrong. Beliefs are based on your perception at the time, alter your perception and you are a different person, in a different place. This is how I got into drugs.

 

[6-heads lewis]

reset, you have some good ideas. I suppose there are people who do enjoy their suffering and want attention or honor or something, but that seems silly, like a teenage emo phase. I’d imagine this is women moreso, seeking attention or validation. Its kind of like guilting people into saying "i love you". I can't relate to that.

When people talk about how unappreciated they are or how things are unfair, the honest reply would be, “noone cares. If it’s so bad, go kill yourself and stop breathing my air.” Unsurprisingly, honesty isn’t valued. Women get much more compassionate responses, mostly because the sympathizer is trying to fuk her. Men typically don’t receive the same help or compassion as there is little to gain.

 

[wolf116]

I really hope things get better for you.

Thanks man but things aren't bad for me at all, that was two years ago. Although to this day I have never made a move on a girl ever.
This is the only thing I hate about myself and it eats me up inside. My success has come from forcing myself to go to uni partys and then just waiting for some drunk chick to hit on me. Now that I have failed uni, everything is going downhill again. But I now have experience with women so my anxiety is half of what it was.

Is it possible for you to take a uni course?

Those drugs seem counterproductive with all those side effects. How are they supposed to help?

 

[SinJester]

Wolf check this out if you haven't seen it:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=16725

First one is always the hardest, but I'm sure you can do it if you have came this far.

 

[Aboleo]

I read the title on this thread several days ago and instantly thought of that movie, but I just figured you were talking about golf or something and never read it until now. Great movie. I'd like to post more, but I don't have time right now... maybe later. Just wanted to give it a bump!