she says "why are you so quiet?"

[Berlex]

I always hate it when people say this to me. Why do people even say this? It's like telling a fat person they're fat, I'm sure they know. I really don't think I'm quiet, if I have something to say I'll say it but if I don't have anything nice to say I keep my mouth shut. I think I'm a pretty good conversationalist one on one but not so much when with a group. Anyway, I'm with a group of friends and the girl I'm interested says this to me because I wasn't contributing to the conversation. How would you guys respond/deal with this?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Tell her the truth or contribute to the group conversation.

 

[Kings_royalty]

"why are you so quiet?"

"I'm just observing, taking everything in. Why do you ask?" <--in a cool, calm tone while looking her in the eye.

 

[mra1200]

Tell her the truth or contribute to the group conversation.

what if you don't have anything to contribute? I'm in the same situation, more of a 1 on 1 type of guy than a group conversationalist, and it's not as easy as you make it out to be (especially for someone who is introverted like me).

If something like this ever comes up I try to explain that I'm more of a listener than a talker and that it's probably better to try to listen than to be rude and completely ignore what the group is talking about.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Excuses, excuses, excuses... Give me some specific reason that you can talk 1 on 1 but not in a group and there may be a solution. The whole "I'm not a conversationalist" excuse is a cop out. Give me something tangible like the other people are speaking another language or that you usually have a mouthful of peanuts or something....

 

[rrrrr]

Practice conversation skills to contribute to group discussions.

 

[SharinganUser]

Quiet isn't a bad thing, I am quiet and I don't compare it to being fat. People find it refreshing to find someone that is calm in collected in a world of fasted paced chaos.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Quiet isn't a bad thing, I am quiet and I don't compare it to being fat. People find it refreshing to find someone that is calm in collected in a world of fasted paced chaos.

Being quiet and non-interactive are two different things. Besides, they are fine when they are in a one on one situation.

 

[Berlex]

When I'm with groups and I do have something to say, sometimes it's hard to know when to jump into the conversation without cutting someone off.

 

[DJinTraining06]

I always hate it when people say this to me. Why do people even say this? It's like telling a fat person they're fat, I'm sure they know. I really don't think I'm quiet, if I have something to say I'll say it but if I don't have anything nice to say I keep my mouth shut. I think I'm a pretty good conversationalist one on one but not so much when with a group. Anyway, I'm with a group of friends and the girl I'm interested says this to me because I wasn't contributing to the conversation. How would you guys respond/deal with this?

hey i get that all the time too, i know wat u mean. It's insulting and embarassign even tho the person who says it is totally unaware of that. I could never understand why i get that so much, because i'm a happy friendly guy. I'm just modest and i also dont feel the need to speak unles i want to. Loud people never understand quiet people.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

hey i get that all the time too, i know wat u mean. It's insulting and embarassign even tho the person who says it is totally unaware of that. I could never understand why i get that so much, because i'm a happy friendly guy. I'm just modest and i also dont feel the need to speak unles i want to. Loud people never understand quiet people.

Wait a second, have you ever realized that maybe these people recognize that you were quiet and were concerned that you weren't participating? How do you equate someone saying that you were quiet as something insulting?!! And as for embarrassing, how about the poor person who goes out of their way to include you in a conversation and you sit there thinking that they've insulted you? That sure is strange coming from a happy, friendly guy.

 

[SharinganUser]

Here's how I would deal with it. I tell them that people that talk a lot often have very little to say. It's true and when they here it, they get a good laugh because of my brutal honesty.

 

[DJinTraining06]

Wait a second, have you ever realized that maybe these people recognize that you were quiet and were concerned that you weren't participating? How do you equate someone saying that you were quiet as something insulting?!! And as for embarrassing, how about the poor person who goes out of their way to include you in a conversation and you sit there thinking that they've insulted you? That sure is strange coming from a happy, friendly guy.

well theirs people who say it very condescendingly.

 

[Berlex]

Wait a second, have you ever realized that maybe these people recognize that you were quiet and were concerned that you weren't participating? How do you equate someone saying that you were quiet as something insulting?!! And as for embarrassing, how about the poor person who goes out of their way to include you in a conversation and you sit there thinking that they've insulted you? That sure is strange coming from a happy, friendly guy.

...never thought about that...but sometimes my friends talk about topics I have no clue on like politics, sports (I like watching/playing but I don't care who's playing for who).

 

[Kuhlraum]

I have the same problem. In my case, when in a group situation where two or three conversations are taking place, I have a difficult time listening to any one conversation. When it is one-on-one I can focus on that one person with no problem. Sometimes, I try to find another person who isn't really into the group discussion and try talking to them. I am also pretty soft spoken, probably because I am half deaf, so it is really easy for someone to talk over me.

I also agree that the loudest people who talk constantly have very little to say.

 

[mra1200]

Excuses, excuses, excuses... Give me some specific reason that you can talk 1 on 1 but not in a group and there may be a solution. The whole "I'm not a conversationalist" excuse is a cop out. Give me something tangible like the other people are speaking another language or that you usually have a mouthful of peanuts or something....

OK, this seems to come up alot where I'm new to a large group of people at work that have all known each other for quite some time, and they're talking about situations they've been involved in over the years that I don't have a clue about what they're talking about and can't really contribute anything since I don't have a clue. I'd just get up and leave or ignore them (ie space out) but sometimes that info comes back to be useful in later conversations, especially when I meet people I've heard about later, which gives me something to talk about then.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

well theirs people who say it very condescendingly.

Perhaps, but then again you could always ask them if they meant it in a consescending way just to make sure.

 

[DJinTraining06]

OK, this seems to come up alot where I'm new to a large group of people at work that have all known each other for quite some time, and they're talking about situations they've been involved in over the years that I don't have a clue about what they're talking about and can't really contribute anything since I don't have a clue. I'd just get up and leave or ignore them (ie space out) but sometimes that info comes back to be useful in later conversations, especially when I meet people I've heard about later, which gives me something to talk about then.

That's exactly my thing to, people at my job always tell me im quiet, yet they all have been there for yrs, and im new. I have no idea what to say to them, they have no interest in making me feel confortable there, they dont try to get me into the convos. Never knew how to handle situations like those.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

OK, this seems to come up alot where I'm new to a large group of people at work that have all known each other for quite some time, and they're talking about situations they've been involved in over the years that I don't have a clue about what they're talking about and can't really contribute anything since I don't have a clue. I'd just get up and leave or ignore them (ie space out) but sometimes that info comes back to be useful in later conversations, especially when I meet people I've heard about later, which gives me something to talk about then.

Sounds like a perfect opportunity for you to ask questions or for them to elaborate. Most people will enjoyably take you through the different episodes that got them to their present point. You could easily interject empathy, humor or whatever is appropriate to the story. Besides, if they see you spacing out, there's little incentive on their part to go out of their way to include you as you seem to be bored by their conversation.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

... they have no interest in making me feel confortable there, they dont try to get me into the convos. Never knew how to handle situations like those.

So what have you done to let them know that you are interested in them?