Volatile Spot
Don Juan
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2003
- Messages
- 27
- Reaction score
- 0
- Age
- 36
I'm going to try and sum up our relationship so this is going to be a REALLY long post and I'm going to touch on a lot of things that I could (but won't, just going to touch them) write pages, and pages, and pages on... if you don't want to read all that and want to skip right down to the issue in the subject look for asterics ******.
I met this girl through the Relay For Life organization, which I was a part of in my old school. We met again at a Beatlemania event where I got her phone number and asked her to go out with me sometime. She said yes but we never set anything up, just talked here and there over the summer. We started talking more often this year, and started to grow rather close.
One day It became apparant that I had to leave my mother to live with my father. I don't want to talk about it here, yet. In fact, none of my RL friends know why I moved so suddenly and I'm even afraid to tell her. Anyway...
I didn't quite know how to handle this change in my life.
There are 2 feeder schools to the highschool I used to go to. The town one, and the country one. The country one only gives about 5% of the highschools population, while the town one girls the rest. Because of this, I came from a 60 student middle school to a 1,000 student highschool only knowing the 20 people from m class. It took me 2 years to really establish myself with people who had known eachother for all of their lives. I still don't feel like I'm "one of the group", there or here in my new school...
I was going to not tell anyone and just leave. At the time, I thought I could do it. I realize now that it was a defense mechanism, and I'm glad that I couldn't go through with it. So I told her, on the day before I left I told her that I was moving. I told everyone, I had my transcript sheets for proof (no one believed me), and the next day I was gone. Before I left that day I gave her a long, deep hug.
About a week later I asked her out, that was 2 months and a week ago.
I live about 40 minutes away from my old town, so I still see her every weekend and more on holidays, but it has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I live for the weekends. She has told me that she does too. I've always believed her.
I've always had a reputation as a "class clown", I'm not a complete ****up, mind you, I have straight A's this year and am a varsity wrestler (160 lb, 6'2"), but the reputation remains. This has never stopped me from succeeding before, but this girl is from a different group. She isn't an in-crowd girl, she is one of the girls who everyone sort of knows, but doesn't hang out with. She has her group of friends, of course, namely the cross-country team, but that's it for close ones. Wouldn't you have it that the cross-country team consists of a bunch of pompous, elitist faggots that love to pass judgement... anyway...
They don't like me, and their coach doesn't like me. She is the team captain and she feels it from them all time. This became a huge problem about 3 weeks ago. I thought it would break us up. It started because I always wanted to be alone with her on the 1 day a week I'd get to see her, and her friends (and then she) thought that I was sort of taking her away from them.
The biggest hit (in my eyes, she says she doesn't care about it), was when her cross-country coach brough her aside and sat her in his truck and said "_____, I take it you're still dating _____? I just want you to know that in my eyes, you're no longer a 10. You're a 9.5 now, and I'm sorry."
I'm quite sure that that's the kind of thing that gets teachers fired, except that he has tenur. I got really, really angry when I heard that he said this but I won't type any more about it.
This all came crashing down the day after I saw her last, 2 days after our first french kiss. On the day before I found out all of this happened, I was sitting with her at a school football game just hanging out and talking before it ended and her 100-mile relay (for cross country) began. As the football game ended her coach called her aside and they got into his truck (at the time I didn't know what was going on, but didn't think anything of it so I went with some friends to wawa to buy some energy drinks for the relay... but anyway), when i talked to her next she seemed very cold and distant to me. It was her birthday (my presents had a lot of thought put into them and one was actually sentimental... thinking back now, it was one of the smartest things I've done).
As I talked to her the next night on the phone I found out about all these things. In the following week we spoke for hours about how she had to make a choice between me and her friends. I wondered why a) there could be no grey area, b) her friends were doing this to her, and c) why I felt so helpless... why there was nothing that I could to just fix everything. She told me that there was nothing that I had done, or could do, that it was just something she had to figure out on her own. I remember wondering why there was any choice at all. I remember thinking that if it had been her and my friends, that I would have chosen her in an instant. I felt like she didn't care for me as much I cared for her. I felt like she didn't love me.
It was the hardest week of my life. On the 4th day I told her that the people I had talked to had all told me to break up with her, but that I didn't want to do that. I really didn't. She told me that all of her friends told her the same thing, but that she didn't want to break up with me. I said to her before I got off the phone that "I don't want us to break up, I don't want us to end like this, but I want you tell me what you want to do." We stayed together.
On the 5th day I told her that I couldn't sit back and wait. I told her that I loved her, that she had no idea how much I loved her, but that I needed closure to the issue. That I needed some sort of resolution that night. She chose me, I don't know what she told her friends but things are seemingly better for her with them. They are letting off some, I think, but even though I can't help but feel selfish sometimes. I feel a lot of things... but moving on.
That was about 2 weeks ago. The weekend after that was awkward in that my parents were at the movies with us, sitting somewhere behind us nontheless, but we had a chance to talk. I felt that in the week after we were closer than before.
****************************************************
todays issue ^_^
Last weekend we went to the movies and saw Haunted Mansion (again, but nvm). It was the first time we had ever really "made out", but it was more than that. For a while we just held each other. It was very sweet and kind, there was no lust in it. Our relationship is so much more than that. After the movie we were just together for 45 minutes. The movie theatre workers did me a favor since I know all of them (I know everyone... I'll explain later), they did minimum cleanup (2 minutes tops) and then turned the lights back off for us.
This week on the phone, though, I don't even know who started it, but we started talking about saying "I love you.". I had always felt that we started saying it too casually, but that there has NEVER been any doubt as to whether or not I loved her. I had told her this before, and she understood what I meant (disagreed, but understood).
This time, however, she questioned me. I don't know how she brought it up, but I remember not understanding, and asking her if she didn't think I knew, or if she thought that I really didn't love her. She told me that she didn't think that I loved her, and everything sort of fell down around me. It's been in my head all day, I barely slept last night. I could barely focus before my wrestling match today (which I lost...). Tonight we could only talk for about 15 minutes because her parents make her get off of the phone at 10 and I didnt get home until 9:45, and all she left me with was "I thought you knew... I'm sorry... It's just something I feel."
The most important point of this post is that I do love her, that during the entire "friends or me" episode, I doubted her love for me, but never mine for her. I have never doubted. I've never felt like this before, I've never acted like this before (my reputation, unfortunately, proves this). It isn't infatuation, I know that feeling. I can't explain how I know that I love her, I just know. It's like everything inside of me is for her now, and that can't even begin to put it into words. I doubt that I can at all.
I met this girl through the Relay For Life organization, which I was a part of in my old school. We met again at a Beatlemania event where I got her phone number and asked her to go out with me sometime. She said yes but we never set anything up, just talked here and there over the summer. We started talking more often this year, and started to grow rather close.
One day It became apparant that I had to leave my mother to live with my father. I don't want to talk about it here, yet. In fact, none of my RL friends know why I moved so suddenly and I'm even afraid to tell her. Anyway...
I didn't quite know how to handle this change in my life.
There are 2 feeder schools to the highschool I used to go to. The town one, and the country one. The country one only gives about 5% of the highschools population, while the town one girls the rest. Because of this, I came from a 60 student middle school to a 1,000 student highschool only knowing the 20 people from m class. It took me 2 years to really establish myself with people who had known eachother for all of their lives. I still don't feel like I'm "one of the group", there or here in my new school...
I was going to not tell anyone and just leave. At the time, I thought I could do it. I realize now that it was a defense mechanism, and I'm glad that I couldn't go through with it. So I told her, on the day before I left I told her that I was moving. I told everyone, I had my transcript sheets for proof (no one believed me), and the next day I was gone. Before I left that day I gave her a long, deep hug.
About a week later I asked her out, that was 2 months and a week ago.
I live about 40 minutes away from my old town, so I still see her every weekend and more on holidays, but it has been one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I live for the weekends. She has told me that she does too. I've always believed her.
I've always had a reputation as a "class clown", I'm not a complete ****up, mind you, I have straight A's this year and am a varsity wrestler (160 lb, 6'2"), but the reputation remains. This has never stopped me from succeeding before, but this girl is from a different group. She isn't an in-crowd girl, she is one of the girls who everyone sort of knows, but doesn't hang out with. She has her group of friends, of course, namely the cross-country team, but that's it for close ones. Wouldn't you have it that the cross-country team consists of a bunch of pompous, elitist faggots that love to pass judgement... anyway...
They don't like me, and their coach doesn't like me. She is the team captain and she feels it from them all time. This became a huge problem about 3 weeks ago. I thought it would break us up. It started because I always wanted to be alone with her on the 1 day a week I'd get to see her, and her friends (and then she) thought that I was sort of taking her away from them.
The biggest hit (in my eyes, she says she doesn't care about it), was when her cross-country coach brough her aside and sat her in his truck and said "_____, I take it you're still dating _____? I just want you to know that in my eyes, you're no longer a 10. You're a 9.5 now, and I'm sorry."
I'm quite sure that that's the kind of thing that gets teachers fired, except that he has tenur. I got really, really angry when I heard that he said this but I won't type any more about it.
This all came crashing down the day after I saw her last, 2 days after our first french kiss. On the day before I found out all of this happened, I was sitting with her at a school football game just hanging out and talking before it ended and her 100-mile relay (for cross country) began. As the football game ended her coach called her aside and they got into his truck (at the time I didn't know what was going on, but didn't think anything of it so I went with some friends to wawa to buy some energy drinks for the relay... but anyway), when i talked to her next she seemed very cold and distant to me. It was her birthday (my presents had a lot of thought put into them and one was actually sentimental... thinking back now, it was one of the smartest things I've done).
As I talked to her the next night on the phone I found out about all these things. In the following week we spoke for hours about how she had to make a choice between me and her friends. I wondered why a) there could be no grey area, b) her friends were doing this to her, and c) why I felt so helpless... why there was nothing that I could to just fix everything. She told me that there was nothing that I had done, or could do, that it was just something she had to figure out on her own. I remember wondering why there was any choice at all. I remember thinking that if it had been her and my friends, that I would have chosen her in an instant. I felt like she didn't care for me as much I cared for her. I felt like she didn't love me.
It was the hardest week of my life. On the 4th day I told her that the people I had talked to had all told me to break up with her, but that I didn't want to do that. I really didn't. She told me that all of her friends told her the same thing, but that she didn't want to break up with me. I said to her before I got off the phone that "I don't want us to break up, I don't want us to end like this, but I want you tell me what you want to do." We stayed together.
On the 5th day I told her that I couldn't sit back and wait. I told her that I loved her, that she had no idea how much I loved her, but that I needed closure to the issue. That I needed some sort of resolution that night. She chose me, I don't know what she told her friends but things are seemingly better for her with them. They are letting off some, I think, but even though I can't help but feel selfish sometimes. I feel a lot of things... but moving on.
That was about 2 weeks ago. The weekend after that was awkward in that my parents were at the movies with us, sitting somewhere behind us nontheless, but we had a chance to talk. I felt that in the week after we were closer than before.
****************************************************
todays issue ^_^
Last weekend we went to the movies and saw Haunted Mansion (again, but nvm). It was the first time we had ever really "made out", but it was more than that. For a while we just held each other. It was very sweet and kind, there was no lust in it. Our relationship is so much more than that. After the movie we were just together for 45 minutes. The movie theatre workers did me a favor since I know all of them (I know everyone... I'll explain later), they did minimum cleanup (2 minutes tops) and then turned the lights back off for us.
This week on the phone, though, I don't even know who started it, but we started talking about saying "I love you.". I had always felt that we started saying it too casually, but that there has NEVER been any doubt as to whether or not I loved her. I had told her this before, and she understood what I meant (disagreed, but understood).
This time, however, she questioned me. I don't know how she brought it up, but I remember not understanding, and asking her if she didn't think I knew, or if she thought that I really didn't love her. She told me that she didn't think that I loved her, and everything sort of fell down around me. It's been in my head all day, I barely slept last night. I could barely focus before my wrestling match today (which I lost...). Tonight we could only talk for about 15 minutes because her parents make her get off of the phone at 10 and I didnt get home until 9:45, and all she left me with was "I thought you knew... I'm sorry... It's just something I feel."
The most important point of this post is that I do love her, that during the entire "friends or me" episode, I doubted her love for me, but never mine for her. I have never doubted. I've never felt like this before, I've never acted like this before (my reputation, unfortunately, proves this). It isn't infatuation, I know that feeling. I can't explain how I know that I love her, I just know. It's like everything inside of me is for her now, and that can't even begin to put it into words. I doubt that I can at all.
