She Said, "You Demand Too Much"

[Fela Kuti]

I'm a believer that communication is an important key to a good relationship. So I always try to tell her if I dislike her behaviors. "I don't like it if you do this and that". One day, she said that words, "I think you demand too much". What should my reaction be? Or maybe there's something wrong about my approach? If so, what's the best way to communicate your dislikes?

Thakns

 

[Socialreject]

Why don't you ask her?

Ask her why she says that, feels that way...

And keep your composure throughout the conversation...

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Did she have these behaviors before you got together?

 

[Fela Kuti]

IIRC, yes. But it wasn't really a problem to me back then since she was still a "friend". But since we got together, of course I started to open up and tell her my dislikes.

If you want to know, my demands are simple enough. Just like any guy would tell his GF. For example: don't drink, do tell when hanging out with a male friend, don't keep secrets, do trust me, reduce the C&F, etc.

 

[cyp6]

thats resonable dude

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Any why you would accept her as she was when she was a friend but she's not good enough for you in a relationship? It doesn't really matter how simple your "demands" are, you decided to go forward with her knowing that she didn't align to what you really want.

Also, if they were really simple in her eyes they probably wouldn't need to be demands. Things like trust should go both ways and it doesn't sound like you trust her. So why are you even dating her?

 

[JDA70]

I agree with Francisco d'Anconia.
I'll also add that you do sound pretty demanding.

For example: don't drink,

Um what are you affraid of she'll get drunk and cheat on you?

do tell when hanging out with a male friend

What are you insecure? Sounds like it.

don't keep secrets

Just about everyone has them in life.
What you should say is "Just be honest with me".

do trust me

That goes without saying in a relationship.

reduce the C&F

What? You can't take teasing and jokes?
What does she do?

 

[jesusrules]

brush it off thats about all.

 

[Epic]

The mistake was made when you began a relationship with a girl whose behavior you did not like. She's not going to agree with you on this. I understand your feelings in this though, although I think they are a little misplaced. She doesn't need to do anything. You need to get out of the relationship if you can't deal with her.

I had a similar situation with current girlfriend. She was great during the dating phase and through the first several months of the LTR, but I made a mistake and let my DJ mindset slip. She began doing things that were major issues to me, but again we were ALREADY in a relationship when these things started. Normally, I would have just nexted her, but I decided to confront her, because she still had a lot of interest. I told her straight up that I was not going to put up with her behavior with each of the things she was doing. She asked me why I was trying to change her. I said that these were not behaviors that were present early on in our relationship. I told her that I was not trying to change her, it's just that her actions were completely unacceptable to me and I was giving her the option of making a choice, before I made one myself and broke up with her. She started singing a different tune at that point.

 

[bud_2005]

You do demand a lot. Like "dont drink". If she wants to thats her choice. You are too controlling and eventually she will feel trapped and want out.

 

[Rata Blanca]

Agreed with the santanic post above me.

 

[ready123]

except for don't drink, everything else is reasonable. I don't know what reduce the C&F means though

anyway, you value communication right? easiest way, then, is to talk to her and ask her why and in what ways she feels you are too demanding

 

[Fela Kuti]

Um what are you affraid of she'll get drunk and cheat on you?
-no, it's a religious problem. we're moslems so we're not allowed to drink. she agreed with me on this. she cried and very sorry when I told her I didn't like it if she drinks.

What are you insecure? Sounds like it.
-it's about respect. and I only demand that if the guy is "new". not her old friend.

Just about everyone has them in life.
What you should say is "Just be honest with me".
-maybe you're right.

That goes without saying in a relationship.
-i said that because she kept secrets so I felt like she didn't trust me.

What? You can't take teasing and jokes?
What does she do?
-the usual c&f, like "you're lucky to be my BF". the problem is she says more c&f than some sweet stuff. and maybe that hurts my ego.

 

[Fela Kuti]

Any why you would accept her as she was when she was a friend but she's not good enough for you in a relationship? It doesn't really matter how simple your "demands" are, you decided to go forward with her knowing that she didn't align to what you really want.

Also, if they were really simple in her eyes they probably wouldn't need to be demands. Things like trust should go both ways and it doesn't sound like you trust her. So why are you even dating her?

it's not like that. for example, keeping secrets, hanging out with a guy, drinking. when we were still just friends, how could I complain about that? I mean, I was just a nobody. however, there's also some behaviors that only rise up when we're further into the relationship. maybe she's getting comfortable enough in the relationship to show her true self. then I think it's reasonable to demand her to change this.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Oh, it's a cultural thing.

 

[Last Man Standing]

When you have to make "demands" on what should already be known and practiced, then you know that something is wrong - she is not the girl for you!

 

[ready123]

When she's ****y to you just be ****yer back.
Her:Your lucky to be my boyfriend.
You:Your lucky to be on the same planet as me.

I know that whatever she says after that I could think of something else on the spot to follow through let's hope you can do the same buddy.

Just out ****y her.

You have already been up front, now it's time to disappear for a while.

why the hell would he be ****y to her, she's ALREADY his girlfriend. you do the C&F to attract a girl, not 10 months into the relationship

 

[Fela Kuti]

why the hell would he be ****y to her, she's ALREADY his girlfriend. you do the C&F to attract a girl, not 10 months into the relationship

exactly. that's why i don't like it if she use it. well, once in a while it's okay.

 

[ready123]

exactly. that's why i don't like it if she use it. well, once in a while it's okay.

I know some girls like to verbally spar for fun... maybe your girl is that way?

 

[JDA70]

Um what are you affraid of she'll get drunk and cheat on you?
-no, it's a religious problem. we're moslems so we're not allowed to drink. she agreed with me on this. she cried and very sorry when I told her I didn't like it if she drinks.

Ok I see.

What are you insecure? Sounds like it.
-it's about respect. and I only demand that if the guy is "new". not her old friend.

You said...
do tell when hanging out with a male friend

It doesn't matter you should not be bothered if he's new or old.

Just about everyone has them in life.
What you should say is "Just be honest with me".
-maybe you're right.

I think I am right.

That goes without saying in a relationship.
-i said that because she kept secrets so I felt like she didn't trust me.

I don't understand. Please explain.

What? You can't take teasing and jokes?
What does she do?
-the usual c&f, like "you're lucky to be my BF". the problem is she says more c&f than some sweet stuff. and maybe that hurts my ego.

Don't let that " you're lucky to be my BF" stuff bother you.
Don't let other peoples words or moods mess with how you feel and think.
It's not easy but you must do this as best as you can.