She needs space...where did it go wrong??

[Kailex]

I feel like these DJ games are somewhat immature at times. Yea I used to do them in my early twenties, but I"m thirty now, and I felt like being real.

Sadly, those DJ "games" would have saved you from this situation.

But why did she move everything in?

Because you were Plan A, Plan B, and Plan C, and then when the new job came into play, you were Plan Z.

And yes she actually was homeless, she was in between places, so she was staying on the couch of her best friend. Yea I could have been a dyck and told her to go back to her couch, but that would have been f*cked up. I guess I should have done that.

It's not your job to house homeless women. That's their own problem.
What I would be wondering is why is she homeless in the first place? How did she get there? How many bad choices did she make in order to get to that spot?

Anyways, I'm gonna be dyck tonight and tell her to kick rocks. I will tell you guys how it goes.

BE "DJ" you, not this 30-something "REAL" you.

 

[st_99]

This chick may or may not be any good, whatever, but there is a bottom line
here.

YOU MUST NOT get attached too early or for a long while for that matter. Damn it, keep yourself in check, its the only way.

My experience and I'm sure everybody else, once you start seeing stars
and all that sh*t, you're totally gone and screwed.

Like the other poster said, if you eat your favorite ice cream all day every day, you're going to vomit. Calm down and just give her a small part of your life, not the entire thing.

Having said all that, there is nothing wrong with liking a girl and being into her, but you just have to really try to temper those feelings with reality. Don't ever assume she is totally yours and there isn't another girl right around the corner and you'll act cooler and be more intriguing.

 

[squirrels]

"Closure" is a chick-word.

Why is the owner taking her and her friend on a ski-trip? That right there sounds a little shady.

Your first big mistake was falling in love with a girl after 30 days. That's high-school crap. Did you take the time to screen her at ALL? You should never let a girl move in after a MONTH of knowing her.

Your second big mistake was copping a bitter attitude. Being p!ssed off is one thing...and given the situation, I can understand you being upset. Being personally bitter at HER is another thing entirely...it basically spawns from underlying insecurity about her affection for you. And she knew that.

Your third big mistake was doing a back-pedalling apology for being bitter. If she didn't recognize the insecurity after you text-snapped at her, then she CERTAINLY sees it now as you go into full-on "damage control" mode. She senses your attempts at manipulation/saving face...you've gone from angry to apologetic/affectionate, like a kid who got his favorite toy taken away, threw a hissy, got confined to his room, and now is trying to get out by "being nice to mommy".

Never let a girl take you on an emotional rollercoaster like this, ESPECIALLY this early in the game.

Jophil's right...she is just running a recursive pattern on you, playing you in a way that encourages you to act like her last boyfriend, and the one before that...and you're just jumping through the hoops she lays out for you.

Stop buying into this crap. Forget "closure". Go outside and find something to do.

 

[cordoncordon]

She has either met someone else, or she just lost interest for whatever reason-maybe at her new job there are some hot guys she is interested in. But trust me on this, its over. Had a gf who did the exact same thing at a new job, said the exact same thing as your girl too.

And why is this boss paying for her to go skiing? Very VERY odd. Obviously he wants to F her.

OVER.

 

[st_99]

She has either met someone else, or she just lost interest for whatever reason-maybe at her new job there are some hot guys she is interested in. But trust me on this, its over. Had a gf who did the exact same thing at a new job, said the exact same thing as your girl too.

And why is this boss paying for her to go skiing? Very VERY odd. Obviously he wants to F her.

OVER.

I agree its over, now or next week or month, its over.

At this point you need to take this experience and learn from it.
Don't allow yourself to get to this point, you f'd upped pretty bad with this one.

 

[cordoncordon]

You talked last night right? Update?

And while you're at it.....post a pic .

And hey, I'm in the LA area too, if you ever want to grab a beer and talk, PM me. Would be glad too.

 

[mrRuckus]

Game is no more immature than you not swearing like a sailor around your boss.

You act a certain way around your boss. You act a certain way around your mom. You act a certain way around your church friend.

So don't feel bad you have to act a certain way around women.

Game isn't immaturity. Game is MATURITY defined. It's what has to be done to function with women. It's how the world works. Don't apologize for adapting to your environment.

 

[The Duke]

Thanks for all the solid advice on here. I've been there, done that with that same type of girl. The situation this thread is about is so familiar to me. Same tricks played, same mistakes made. Every now and then its good for me to reflect on my past and where I am at today. I don't want to make those same mistakes again.

 

[samspade]

"Closure" is a chick-word.

Stop buying into this crap. Forget "closure". Go outside and find something to do.

I agree 100% with this. I HATE when men use the word "closure." When women use it, it's annoying enough.

And anyway in this case the door is closed. Men always want the last word and pretend it's closure; it's not. Just walk away and don't look back.

 

[frivolousz21]

I really don't see where you went all that wrong. I think this is on her not you. I work at a photography studio. I see good relationships all the time. I have female friends who are in good relationships and male friends who are. My friend is 30 been with a 22 yr old extremely gorgeous model who is a anthro major and hooters waitress. She plays world of war craft and ****. And really loves this dude after a couple years and is level headed cool as **** and is the hottest woman I have ever seen. After having his heart shredded about 4 times in his life he figured it out, how to make it work.

In other words if you want a good relationship then be with a quality women. There are millions of good to great women out there who would think and feel that you are a great dude and they are lucky to have you.

you got a lemon. A ****ing super hot lemon. We certainly let our better judgment go when it comes to hotness. Multiple times in my life I have been swept up with these hot women who seem like me on fire then the candle burns out so fast, your sitting there wondering WTF happened? How does this women go from thinking I am god to a pauper so fast?

Why are there good women out there with dudes with limited money and resources, looks..but would walk threw a wall for them? Honestly I don't know. But it's there, trust me. Women get stomped on and hurt just as much or more then men, only chumps think women do the stomping and have all the power. So don't get discouraged.

Learn from this, I would honestly if I were you, go have fun. Build yourself, but be TRUE TO YOURSELF. I was in a horrible relationship. I am a liberal atheist, science man. of logic with a church girl, I got her prego had a kid, I was ****ing miserable the **** drove me to booze and drugs.

when that ended I swore I would never compromise me again. Period. If it took 10 years, 20, 30 to find a woman who love and appreciate me for me so be it.

In the meantime I would work for me. Well I didn't get it all right but I never compromised and it didn't take as long as I thought to find someone I clicked with on many levels.

I know this will seem IMPOSSIBLE TRULY IMPOSSIBLE. But I hope you can detach from this and not beg, jut let it go and keep YOUR DIGNITY, losing my DIGNITY in the past is one of my biggest bitter regretful moments.

good luck

 

[vatoloco]

Why is the owner taking her and her friend on a ski-trip? That right there sounds a little shady.

And why is this boss paying for her to go skiing? Very VERY odd. Obviously he wants to F her.

Or he already has!

Sandow, HB9+s (in my experience) have gotten A LOT of attention from men throughout their lives and are used to [and are exceptionally good at] using them. Now the boss might be a huge AFC (with a lot money) and is hoping to get some action with the babe. She could've also already fucked him in exchange for the trip...

The main point here is that your women (regardless of hotness) was not loyal. She accepted a trip paid for by another man. This should have been your cue that you were not with a good woman. Plus the fact the you were too available (which has already been addressed by others) doomed this relationship to fail.

The moment a woman accepts something from another man is the moment I would realize that I'm not with a good one and therefore needs to be dropped.

 

[cordoncordon]

Or he already has!

Sandow, HB9+s (in my experience) have gotten A LOT of attention from men throughout their lives and are used to [and are exceptionally good at] using them. Now the boss might be a huge AFC (with a lot money) and is hoping to get some action with the babe. She could've also already fucked him in exchange for the trip...

The main point here is that your women (regardless of hotness) was not loyal. She accepted a trip paid for by another man. This should have been your cue that you were not with a good woman. Plus the fact the you were too available (which has already been addressed by others) doomed this relationship to fail.

The moment a woman accepts something from another man is the moment I would realize that I'm not with a good one and therefore needs to be dropped.

Yeah I really agree. I just can't imagine my gf ever accepting a ski trip from her boss, let alone any man. And if she did tell me about it, I would tell her "awwwwwwwwww hell no". Just gives the impression of so much shadiness going on. If your girl was so quick to accept those trips, than imo she is doing you a favor by what she doing to you. No quality there.

Frivolous, what you said was spot on. There are quality women out there. Hot quality women. Don't get me wrong, they will all from time to time say or do something that will make you say "wtf"?? but for the most part, they respect their man and the relationship they are in. I think I am pretty lucky in that respect, to have someone like that. But trust me, I can think of two, no three past relationships I was in where the girl I was with did something similar to what the OP's is doing. Things seem great, everything is moving along nicely, and then BAM, for no reason at all you can see, they just turn away from you. But here is the thing, I've done it as well, to past gf's. We are human, we aren't saints. Sometimes we all say or do things that hurt others. It doesn't make us bad per say. It just goes to show us that we are sometimes at the mercy of our emotions, or our penis.

 

[st_99]

Yeah I really agree. I just can't imagine my gf ever accepting a ski trip from her boss, let alone any man. And if she did tell me about it, I would tell her "awwwwwwwwww hell no".

The big problem here is you are now in a lose lose situation. The fact
that she would even ask would put you in a situation of having
to think your relationship is pretty precarious. Weather you say ok or
hell no doesn't change the fact that she considered it.

 

[frivolousz21]

Yeah I really agree. I just can't imagine my gf ever accepting a ski trip from her boss, let alone any man. And if she did tell me about it, I would tell her "awwwwwwwwww hell no". Just gives the impression of so much shadiness going on. If your girl was so quick to accept those trips, than imo she is doing you a favor by what she doing to you. No quality there.

Frivolous, what you said was spot on. There are quality women out there. Hot quality women. Don't get me wrong, they will all from time to time say or do something that will make you say "wtf"?? but for the most part, they respect their man and the relationship they are in. I think I am pretty lucky in that respect, to have someone like that. But trust me, I can think of two, no three past relationships I was in where the girl I was with did something similar to what the OP's is doing. Things seem great, everything is moving along nicely, and then BAM, for no reason at all you can see, they just turn away from you. But here is the thing, I've done it as well, to past gf's. We are human, we aren't saints. Sometimes we all say or do things that hurt others. It doesn't make us bad per say. It just goes to show us that we are sometimes at the mercy of our emotions, or our penis.

Exactly.

I think some guys come here or are out there who never experienced it going both ways only them getting **** on.

I was horrible in High school and college. Womanizer, nearly mentally abusive. ****ed up person. I was insecure from being abandon as a child by my father and I had no idea that I didn't trust anyone. and it manifested itself in ego, control, power, manipulation.

I had a three year GF from 17-20 and I cheated on her with 40-50 women over that time, it was almost a new women per week. I had sick game, game I had no idea that I had. I was so insecure that no matter how many women loves me, wanted me, would walk threw a wall for me it wasn't enough. It was never good enough, I thought I could find love threw sex and power.

finally my grandma who raised me came to me at 20 and told me I was an abusive bad man. I was devastated to realize that I was my father son.

and that game, confidence, that ego died, I became a huge ***** AFC overnight. recluse, left the game, women all of it. I would get rejected put in the friends zone. I could only get women much lower then me on the looks scale. I was needy and clingy.

Finally I had One I tis from hell...oh did I think I loved her. I was obsessed 24/7, how can this woman "need" me so much and not be attracted to me. I am good looking? What is it?

it drove me here, thank you! I am so lucky.

But I never really fit in here, even though my life was flipped and I was a huge ***** for a while. I could never figure out why so many dudes here were so jaded. Then I realized so many were never on the other side of the coin.

When I rehabbed here I realized my issues were far deeper then being a nice guy. I wasn't bitter at my One I Tis because she hurt me, I was bitter because I lose my dignity in the process.

I am trying to stay open to life being a learning process.

Think with your brain but use you heart as guide. Emotion breathes life into us. Passion, love, hope, desire, compassion, happiness...the list goes on and on for each individual.

I read Thunder Mavericks posts and he is lost in this situation like this guy is.

BUT....who is to say that woman TM is with won't change, flip the script and become a better person and they end up having something worthwhile. It is really hard for us to give advice because so much of it comes from absolutes. And we all learn in life sacrifices are made. If we all lives by absolutes we wouldn't be human. If we give TM one ounce of enabling or comfort then we are doing a disservice? Is that keeping it real? It is all so subjective.

my logical brain tells me that the OP of this thread needs to tell her to her **** and move on, don't tell her you love her, don't tell her you hate her, just let it go, or pretend to, and leave it open, let her see if it's better with said dude over here.

and my logic brain tells me there is a 98 percent chance the woman comes running back to him soon lonly, empty, and will worship the OP, then the OP will do the same thing...she will leave...

RINSE and REPEAT....

however is that true? Is that full proof? What if she comes back and changes and becomes a better woman the OP deserves? Do you always play the logic hand or allow some subjective decision making enter the equation?


if the Earth is taken over by aliens and we are all enslaved. but not horribly and we are allowed to live lives similiar to what we have now. No matter how logical it may be to accept it as it could be far worse. We all know eventually humanity would fight back and risk making it worse because it is unexceptionable, we have fought since the dawn of Homo-Sapein from Erectus and neanderthalisis, since consciousness was spawned for Freedom. Humans won't stop until we achieve perceived absolute freedom.

The point is, we have innate needs that seem to need to be met. And we seem to go back to things that are bad for us hoping to find what we perceive as good for us. Good or bad, insane or not we do it.

Sorry for HI-Jacking

 

[Kailex]

"Closure" is a chick-word.

If you look up my username and "closure", you'll probably find me in tons of threads repeating endlessly:

"Closure is a fallacy".

And it's because it's true. Whenever someone says they need closure, what they really are saying is that they want the last word. One doesn't need closure from a break-up. More often than not, if you are using that word and saying you need it, you ALREADY KNOW that it's over. What sense of "closure" would you need after it's done? It's over with. "Closure" comes from within and doesn't require a "last conversation" to happen.

This is why I shake my head whenever I see someone on these forums saying they need a sense of closure.

It's fake. There's no such thing as closure when it comes to relationships.
Once one person has ended the relationship for whatever reason, it's over. The reasons, the justifications, the excuses... none of those give any true sense of it being over. All it really takes is for one of the two in the relationship to falter and decide that it should end...

 

[Sandow]

Before I get into what happened last night, I just want to point out a few things about the relationship. This is the first time I have a had a girl (quasi) move in. She never really moved in, she had a lot of stuff at my house and nearly slept over every night, but all of her stuff was at her temporary place. This is also the first time dating someone this hot, HB 9-9.5...I’ll post a pic. Looking back, I tend to fall too fast for girls I really like. I have a certain type and she fit it to a T.

But I wasn’t completely AFC. Don’t get me wrong, I teased her a lot, she was always hitting me after some funny negs. At times I told her we couldn’t date anymore after she spilt or dropped something. And I wasn’t always as nice as it may seem. We had an inside joke about her grandma sweater. I told her once you learn to worship me, we’ll get along fine. I pulled her hair, slapped her as$ and even choked her (which girls love by the way!!) during sex. The main problem was being too available and falling too fast.

 

[Sandow]

Last night (Wednesday): So we start talking casually, I bring up how her boss was, she knew I was onto something. I tell her that I’m just asking, since they spend a lot of time together. She completely flips out, saying it’s ridiculous that I think something is going on between them. I say whatever, thats not the reason why I called (Btw, I really don’t think there was anything between she and her boss, he felt bad for what happened on Friday so he payed her her to go skiing, he didn’t go with her).

I start going into my breakup, and flips out again, saying “I can’t have this conversation in the car, I will call you in 20 min when I get home.” She calls me back and I’m very stern and straight-forward and I tell her that I wanted to break up and see other people. “I don’t know what happened between us, but it’s not there for whatever reason.”
She starts laughing, acting VERY casually. You can tell I was pissed, but she was very laid back.

So now, I tell her to be honest with me about everything since we’re broken up now. She says she doesn’t know what’s wrong with her, “I have this problem where my relationships hit 3 months and I’m over it, sorry. We definitely moved too fast too soon.”
That actually made me feel better, I never bought the new job excuse. She continued to say that the job definitely played a factor though.

So then I tell her I packed her stuff up and that she needs to come get it tonight or tomorrow morning. This is where she starts getting mad. It was almost like she was shocked I did that. So, she says she can’t get it tonight, but tomorrow night. I refuse, saying I need your stuff out ASAP, if you don’t get it I’m throwing it away. Ok, so I probably shouldn’t have said that, but at this point I was fuming! I felt she had absolutely no regard for us and our relationship. She was doing everything so casually and non chalant, it drove me crazy how she told me she loved me more than anyone just a week ago and how crazy she is about me, to not caring at all. I mean not at all fellas. It was like she was a completely different person.

She agrees to come over and get her stuff now...so I wait for her in the main lobby with her bags. She comes in, I briefly explain the bags and the xmas present. She grabs all the bags except the xmas present. She then asks where the Nutcracker tickets are, and I tell her I threw them away. Ok here is where she really flips out! She tells me to go find em, go in the trash if you have to. I tell her that’s your bad, you should have never left your stuff here, especially when you have this 3 month rule. That’s not my problem. I then tell her about disnleyland, and what the hell I’m going to do about that!! She ignores it, at this point all she is interested in are the Nutcracker tickets and she won’t leave till she gets them. At this point I’m tired and want this bytch out of here, so I go back to my apt, grab the tickets, and I give them to her. She calms down a bit, I tell her lets leave on good terms, she doesn’t say anything. I asked her why she came over the night before, said she loved me and blamed it on the job for our problems, and then the next morning you couldn’t say you love me and needed space. She denies saying she needed space, but I swear she said that...which I thought was interesting. She actually looked shocked I was doing this to her at this point, or she wasn’t expecting it. Anyhow I stuck with my word and she left.

And that’s it. The whole time during the interaction, I wanted answers because I was so confused on what happened. I asked her how this could happen? She never really gave a good answer, all she said was that it was too much too soon and how she gets over it in 3 months. I figured, if she still wanted to be with me, she would refute my decision. But she never did, so apparently it was mutual??

This morning, a part of me wondered if she still wanted to be with me? She denied saying she wanted space, so that got me wondering. However she admitted to not saying I love you back. I’m wondering if I did the right thing, maybe there was still a chance and I blew it, after all she denied she wanted space.

Anyhow, I was a dyck the whole time. And I can tell she was shocked to see this side of me, after all we never had one argument. So you guys were right, I was always available and never said “NO” because I was whipped. I had this gorgeous girl f*ck my brains out every night, I couldn’t say no because of I was thinking with my dyck and not my head. But I also think this girl is a cluster B whackjob, or whatever you call it. I mean, 3 month rule?? WTF. She even admitted that she had a problem and it was retarded, but she didn’t know why it happens. Well, as jophil stated, it’s because she’s addicted to the rush, and once it wears out, she’s out.

But how do you keep the rush. C’mon, at one point, you cannot keep the rush forever?! The chemicals and magic are going to reside at one point, things are going to get real sometime.

I’m at work and I’ll post again, but that’s what happened, a combination of being too available, her being a whackjob (she’s definitely a branch swinger) and her new job (wanting to change, move on to new things). Input appreciated.

Thanks for everyone’s input. Seriously, you guys are helping me get through this.

 

[st_99]

99.9% there is another guy. But that's irrelevant. It was in the making
probably from day 1.

 

[cordoncordon]

First of all, since you are broken up...PIC!

Secondly, like I said, if you want to grab a beer, Im in the LA area, hit me up.

Thirdly, I really think there is a guy she is interested in. You just don't go from that hot for someone to that cold because of a 3 month rule. That's ridiculous. There is someone else in the picture. Remember the branch swinging theory. A girl 99 times out of a 100 will not leave you unless there is another guy there to grab onto. I think you should play your cards close to the vest. Stay calm. Don't contact her. I think at some point she will be calling, then it is up to you to decide what to do as far as being with her.

 

[Falcon25]

You should re read my post. I told you everything she told you last night. Without even knowing or meeting her. There is no other guy (until the boss). What she means by the 3 month rule is that she still hasn't met a strong man who DOESN'T fall in love with her in the first three months of a relationship. She still hasn't met someone who says NO to her. She hasn't met someone who GIVES HER THE TIME to fall in love with someone. Not vice versa. There's nothing wrong with this girl, she just needs a guy who can control her. People on here blaming her, calling a her sluvt, branch etc. that's not what happened. She was a great girl you said, YOUR actions made her change. We have all been there. This is where you lost your anal cherry. Welcome to the life of dating.

Fatal mistakes. Learn from this. I will repost my first one so you can read it for the next 45 days, till you memorize it. Lot's of guys can get women, but can you keep her? Can you control her? Make her fall head over heels so she robs banks for you? That's the ultimate man's man. ANY FOOL CAN GET LAID.

1) Why would you let someone literally move in with you in 30 days? Is she homeless? Is she an orphan?
2) You said I love you to her? You keep saying it? You are no longer a challenge buddy. She knows she got you.
3) The boss has already fuvked her. Twice. That's why she was late from work. Men don't pay for ski trips, unless they're fuvking them. He's got money, you don't. He's dangling the career carrot infront of her, you don't. You don't even have challenge with you. That is why she is feeling guilty of leading you on. She loves it too. She exchanges sex, for attention and trips. This is not your typical bartender that bangs her, this is a professional. She loves it.

4) You lost control of this situation when you became too available. You say "c'mon she was always there willing and ready" You don't do that stuff of sex every night, dinner every night, until at least six months to a year in a relationship. Even then, I would recommend against it. THE ONLY TIME YOU SEE A WOMAN EVERY NIGHT IS WHEN YOU MARRY THEM. Even then, you should hide in the bathroom for a few hours so you can have some peace and quiet. Absence makes the heart go fonder.
5) She is not coming back, she's gone. You lost the most important aspect of the relationship. Challenge.
6) When I was reading your post, I thought a woman was writing it. That's how far gone you are.
7) Read this very carefully. A WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE WITH YOU IN TIME. You gave her no time. You rushed, you lost. Move on.
8) Depending on her age, motivation, and how hot she is, sometimes they're just wired wrong. Some girls are just born to love covk for money. Some girls love to be sluvts, attention *****s, etc. I put those in the ten percent category. But, most of the time, it's the man's fault for going too fast and not making her work for you.