She may be losing interest, I need a plan...

[Fornax]

Hey all,

I'm new to the forum, signed up to get a bit of advice on the situation i'm in, I'll try and keep it brief.

Recently I'd been getting a bit too into a particular girl who was in a relationship - we'd ended up ****ing, and my emotions started to get me a bit obsessive. To balance this one day I decided to just go hit on another hot girl, which worked.

So started going on dates with this new girl, ended up forgetting about the old one and kind of digging the new one. She's had high interest levels, but a few issues with our age gap (14 years) but otherwise she's been very interested. Lots of long texts, long calls, she'd always be chasing. We've ****ed a few times already. So the other day, she invited me over, and we spent the day and night together. From my perspective all seems fine, we ****ed, were close etc. And I left feeling a high from it.

Anyway, since then she's gone cold. It's been a month since we first met, and the massive contrast from this really close 24 hours, to her suddenly being cold and changing her interest levels is a bit of a blow. She's now barely in contact (ok it's only been a day or so), and when she has it's been excuses and very short texts.

Now, I get the feeling that one of several things may have been the issue:

1. I may have been a bit too nice to her. I pretty much decided that I was just going to be sincere, and maybe she's read that as needy.

2. She's led a pretty sheltered life, and we talked about past experiences. I've had loads (3somes etc) and maybe that's put her off.

3. Sex was a bit so-so. Made her ***, but she got weird that I didn't seem that into it. To be honest, she's hot so I just wanted to drag out ****ing her, and not just race to ***.

So those are my main concerns. Problem now is I want to turn things around and get her back to chasing.

I have other options, but she's the one that I enjoy the company of the most, so yeah - I can go **** other girls and hang out with them if needs be.

So, she's been seeing me as this very important guy, and that's been attractive to her. Now, she seems to just be "whatever" about it all.

So my options as I see them:

1 Do I go no contact and just stop initiating contact with her.

2 Do I pull her up on her ****?

3 Do I contact her about the date we had arranged for tomorrow first? or just forget about it, or tell her i'm busy and can't make it?

4 Do i damage control and walk away before she does it to me? I was thinking I could pull the "lets jsut be friends" line to her, or say something to put her in her place like "Hey I guess you maybe are too young after all, seems you've mistaken my sincerity for needyness... I don't have time for games, so maybe we should just be friends for now"

Any advice would be welcome. I'm going to go hang out with some other girl today, I know I'm not as in to this one, but i need a distraction. Got the whole tunnel vision thing going on... but damn, this other girl is one I genuinely like, I'd rather fix it than walk away, as it's been a while since I gave a **** about a woman.

 

[Jariel]

I think you have become too available, too eager to please, too committed too fast. If something is very easy to get, we believe it's value is less.

Give her a chance to miss you, get busy with other aspects of your life. Overcommunication PORTRAYS you as having no other options, and that makes you less valuable.

Bingo!

If I had only one piece of advice to give every man on dating, seduction and relationships, it would be this. It doesn't matter who the girl is, how nice she is, how affectionate and needy towards you she is, or even how long you have been together, this essential fact always applies!

Becoming too available is a form of complacency and is especially destructive to the way a woman perceives a man. It is the equivalent of a girl getting fat and letting herself go.

 

[PlayHer Man]

The minute you FEAR losing a woman you have lost the game.

Once you have f*cked a girl.. don't change anything about yourself to keep her around. Just keep f*cking her and keep being yourself. Either she likes you or she doesn't. If she wants to leave LET HER.

To fear losing a woman is to be a faggot.

The only "plan" you need is to spin more plates and pull your head out of HER ass.

 

[Fornax]

Cheers so far guys, you're pretty much echoing what I thought,

The factors that play on my mind a bit are the age difference, she's young and unpredictable and comes from a pretty high class background.

Isn't it just a damn curse that the girls we want make us act in just the wrong way. When it comes to girls I'm not bothered about, you don't even need game, you just exude it. Problem is I know the right way to act, but also there is always that bit in the back of my mind that says "if she's right, it'll just work" - which I know is bull**** - that's the same as a women thinking "if he's right, he wont mind if i get fat and don't take care of myself".

Problem is bringing it back from this weird zone. If I text or call, chances are it's going to come across needy. So far today I've just deleted her number to avoid any lapses in self control.

I'm wondering if i should text her later saying "so what time are you getting here tomorrow?" and leaving it at that, or just saying nothing all day and seeing if she instigates contact.

I have a few aces up my sleeve but not sure if I should play them. I've been invited to dinner with a TV star, and was wondering If i should mention it to her, just to demonstrate value, maybe even a "I'd invite you too, but you're young neurotic side seems to be playing up recently, I have a reputation to keep you know... "

I'm half tempted to walk away and just put it down to a hot young chick I got to get inside. Still, part of me (probably my ego) wants to leave in a position of power.

So I get increasing my value and dropping needy ways. Any advice on how to do that in a position where the only contact at the moment is going to probably be instigated by me. Cause otherwise she's going to play silent and aloof and just assume she's winning... Only reasonable thing I can think of is the text to ask her when she's arriving (obviously not as a "are you?" but with the assumption she is)

Thanks guys, your advice is really appreciated. I feel like a **** for dropping the ball on this one, but we all have moments of weakness when we're laying in bed loved up with a gorgeous girl. You have to be like a zen monk sometimes to keep the levels of detachment (and I kind of wonder, what's the point if you have to always be detached, it's like eating your favourite meal only not having tastebuds to enjoy it).

 

[Fornax]

But yeah also, and it's probably the main thing - this is one I like, so walking away whilst I *could* do it (i've developed thick skin over the years), it's lame to have to do it when you find one you actually want.

Anyway, advice, as always, will be really useful and appreciated.

 

[Jariel]

The problem is that you are too keen and you are thinking with a sense of urgency. What if I told you to let it go and try again in 2 months?

I bet you instantly started to panic a little when you read that and think "I can't wait 2 months" and "what if she meets someone else" or "what if she forgets me" and so on.

I'm not saying you need to wait 2 months, but that just indicates this impatient mindset you're in right now and it's that exact state of mind that scares women off and causes us to make huge fvck ups.

But I can tell you, I walked away from prospects such as yours over a year ago and they still contact me and are still available to me now. I even have ex girlfriends from 10 years ago who dumped me and who now want me back. There is no time limit in which you need to act.

Unfortunately as men, many of us have this desire to fix things...or destroy things. It's common practice for a guy to keep trying and trying with a girl, and when it fails, they flip out and do something impulsive to try and burn their bridges. The better option, however, would be to walk away and try again another day.

Once you master the art of patience, you will see a massive improvement in your game.

 

[cordoncordon]

I think the one thing that people here are missing is OP said she went from very hot to very cold in one day. Now, unless she flat out said "I don't want to see you anymore", I am pretty bewildered how OP can judge a girl is going from super hot to super cold in a day. The ONLY way OP could get that impression (aside from her telling him she wants nothing to do with him) is if he is going overboard trying to call, text, email etc and she isn't responding. And if he is doing all of those things, after just one day? Well then no wonder she is going cold on him. He is practically stalking her. At the very least he is being possessive, over bearing, and pushy.

OP. The fact that you are probably doing much of the above, AND that you took the time to write this long post, all over ONE DAY of limited contact? Tells me that you are wayyyyyy over the edge here. You need to take a few days to go NC on her yourself. Pull yourself together. And start over. Because right now you are way too obsessed.

 

[Bokanovsky]

Now, I get the feeling that one of several things may have been the issue:

1. I may have been a bit too nice to her. I pretty much decided that I was just going to be sincere, and maybe she's read that as needy.

2. She's led a pretty sheltered life, and we talked about past experiences. I've had loads (3somes etc) and maybe that's put her off.

One thing you have to remember is that honesty is the worst policy when dealing with women. Men appreciate straightforward and direct communication; women do not. Women react much better when you are vague and "mysterious".

 

[Fornax]

@cordoncordon

I can see where you'd get that impression, That's honestly not the case. You know how you fall into a pattern with someone, in this case, she'd call and text a LOT every day. After leaving, I sent a shortish text on the train back just saying something along the lines of it having been a good time etc. Normally she'd be responding to that within 10 minutes, and have a whole load of questions in it to try and get a reply. In this case it took her 24 hours to reply, and this time with one sentence in an offhand tone. It's hard not to pick up on this stuff when there is a pattern shift. I don't think i'm overreacting, I'm normally a pretty perceptive person. I agree with your advice otherwise though.

I'm actually feeling pretty chilled out about the whole situation right now, the way I see it, I got to screw her a few times, she's bought me gifts etc. Now if she's going to go all emotionally weird on me and not explain why - that's a sign that she's maybe not the "perfect girl" she was originally displaying. So it's not a huge loss.

Of course, she's just a human being and when you're getting to know someone there's a whole load of projecting, anxiety etc. We've both had it. She's probably freaking out over some detail. What pisses me off is that I know that if i had the communication, I'd be able to sort it out - as I could throw on the authoritative charm. Just without that communication, it forces me into chasing mode - and I really don't want to come across needy.

So my real dilemma is how do i get the contact without being needy?
I need to get the power back but the silent treatment definitely makes that very hard.

Ideas anyone?
Shall I try and win this one back, or just walk away and find another girl. Or both?

 

[cordoncordon]

Bro I could see if her behavior had been going on for a week or more. But its been one day. One day OP.


But IF you feel as though this is very abnormal and you are 100% certain that something is wrong, then your only bet is to do the same to her, but harder. Don't text, call, email, or even think about her. IF you do any of the above, it is only going to give her more reason not to come chasing you. But if she is truly into you, and she senses you are slipping away? She will come running.

Good luck.

 

[Fornax]

cordoncordon, yeah I do agree man. It's just I've got a painfully good ability to read people and situations, i know that sounds arrogant as hell, but I'm so rarely wrong my friends genuinely get freaked out by it.

I'm half tempted to call her bluff and just message her "I don't think whatever this is will work out, let's just be mates". What do you think, bad move?

 

[Harry Wilmington]

"Lots of long texts, long calls..."

Anytime I see these words on these boards, I automatically think: "Yep, that's what did it." TEXTING KILLS RELATIONSHIPS. It makes you seem too needy, clingy, and available when you're about to text a girl all the time. Even if she's the one initiating the text, you should never get into the habit of engaging in long text conversations. Remember, part of building a girl's interest in you is letting her THINK about you and what you COULD be doing when she's not around - something she can't do if you're constantly available to chit-chat with her. This should always be established from date #1, that you won't always be phone available because you are either (a) busy or (b) don't like to talk on the phone all that much.

With that said - dude, seriously, it's only been a day. Stop waiting by the phone like a little girl wondering "oh golly gee, when is she gonna respond to me?" Real talk, she's probably needs a break from hearing from you. That doesn't mean she doesn't like you, but even a girl that likes you doesn't need to see/hear from you EVERY day. And, if you're not waiting in between days to talk to her, you're going to run out of things to talk about. So, give it a rest - ideally, you should only be hitting her up to take her out anyway, and it shouldn't be more than 1 to 2 times a week when you're first starting out.

 

[Fornax]

Yeah good points Harry, I appreciate the objective opinion. Easy to get caught up in a bubble with this stuff.

I have spent the day with another girl though, one i'm not so into so she's clings to me like there's no tomorrow. I'm being a d1ck, too focused. I'll take a back seat and see what happens.

 

[cordoncordon]

cordoncordon, yeah I do agree man. It's just I've got a painfully good ability to read people and situations, i know that sounds arrogant as hell, but I'm so rarely wrong my friends genuinely get freaked out by it.

I'm half tempted to call her bluff and just message her "I don't think whatever this is will work out, let's just be mates". What do you think, bad move?

Very bad move. It would make you seem really weird, especially after your great night together the other night. Plus she will be able to read right through it as a play on your part after getting butthurt from her silence for a day.

Just relax. You are putting way too much importance on this one girl. As Ben Affleck would say in Boiler Room, ACT AS IF you have a million other girls you could see and date, and what this one girl does has no bearing on your overall happiness. Act that way, and odds are her hamster wheel will start turning wondering why you aren't all over her like all the other guys. Act like you are all upset by this? And you are exactly that, just like all the other guys.

Don't be those guys.

 

[cordoncordon]

Yeah good points Harry, I appreciate the objective opinion. Easy to get caught up in a bubble with this stuff.

I have spent the day with another girl though, one i'm not so into so she's clings to me like there's no tomorrow. I'm being a d1ck, too focused. I'll take a back seat and see what happens.

See how that works? You act indifferent and they are all over you. You act like a love struck school boy, and you get what you are now experiencing with the girl you really like.

Whatever feels and wants and desires you have right now that are screaming at you to act the way you have been with her? Do the exact opposite and you will be fine.

 

[Fornax]

So cheers for the thoughts so far guys.
Here's the latest update... not great news...

She finally text, apologising for being distant and saying she "needed to think". So I called her, cause there was no way I was going to get caught in the texting trap. So it seems she is looking to end things, her reasons is that the "age gap is going to cause problems", which i don't really buy... my response to her saying it's probably best to go our separate ways was "yeah, I agree, I'd kind of lost a bit of respect for you over the past few days etc.". Anyway... deal is now that she's coming to visit today to "talk" (urgh).

How should I play it guys? or should I blow her off and not bother seeing her today at all?

Obviously, got a limited timespan for advice here, so I appreciate any quick replies...

 

[Fornax]

Well I've got just over an hour to come up with a game-plan.
So far I'm thinking call her bluff and be completely cool with her wanting to cool it off, maybe throw a few digs at some of the things she's done too (in a cheeky way, but enough to go under the radar and play on her mind).

Also may try and get a bit of wine involved, as I tend to work better with a glass in the system.

Never tried calling her bluff before, but it seems counter intuitive, which is normally the right thing to do.

Those who've been more in practice recently, I'd appreciate a pep-talk before I head out...

 

[Checkmate12]

Well I've got just over an hour to come up with a game-plan.
So far I'm thinking call her bluff and be completely cool with her wanting to cool it off, maybe throw a few digs at some of the things she's done too (in a cheeky way, but enough to go under the radar and play on her mind).

Also may try and get a bit of wine involved, as I tend to work better with a glass in the system.

Never tried calling her bluff before, but it seems counter intuitive, which is normally the right thing to do.

Those who've been more in practice recently, I'd appreciate a pep-talk before I head out...

Stinks that no one was able to reply to you in time, but Im curious how this one worked out. Updates?

 

[NewJack]

I have other options, but she's the one that I enjoy the company of the most, so yeah - I can go **** other girls and hang out with them if needs be.

Your personality is coming across as unstable, OP. The behaviors you mention in your post suggest this. If you are doing all these wild things: e.g. fvck-obsessing over a committed woman immediately prior to this relationship, talking about past sex experiences (3somes!?), *and* pursuing *and* fvcking other women simultaneously, your emotional readings are going to be all over the map. We telegraph these things whether we realize it or not. Women pick up on them.

If girls can't get a stable reading on a guy, even if they like them, they often pull out, assuming 'crazy', 'player', 'not worth finding out'. She probably couldn't get a stable reading on you, so your well-intended sincerity was drained of its power by those same plates which keep spinning, spinning, spinning.

Shame because you actually like her.

 

[DonGorgon]

DROP HER BEFORE SHE DROPS YOU.. thats the only way you will have a chance to keep Fing her