She likes me... and her ex, now she "wants to talk"

[MindOverMatter]

that "have a nice life" line is perfect, don't send that e-mail like an idiot lol. your friends don't know sh!t

 

[skinnydart]

Ok, I won't send that e-mail.

And I've already read the whole bible and done the bootcamp. This is the 1st girlfriend I actually had though.

 

[spider_007]

Originally posted by JohnJones
The only other thing that I would have done would have been to say "I understand, but more importantly, if we're not dating, can you introduce me to ________, your hot friend."

that's funny. good idea too.

I'd say, don't e-mail, call, except calls from her......
don't talk to her for like a month, move on.

 

[skinnydart]

I'd say, don't e-mail, call, except calls from her......
don't talk to her for like a month, move on.

So you would say there is no need to clarify that I said? I just don't want to burn bridges with her because I know she likes me but is just confused right now.

 

[MindOverMatter]

don't clarify it man, and never be afraid to burn bridges.

i know it's hard when u like the girl, but only when u're not afraid of burning the bridge, will you lose that needy part of you that would tolerate the girl acting like this.

 

[Jariel]

I agree with what's been said. When you wished her a nice life, you took control out of her hands. Let her wallow in that sense of loss for a while and see if she learns to appreciate you. If she is interested in getting back together or even a friendship she will make the effort to put things right.

I know how hard it is to let go and how tempting it can be to make contact with her (especially during those quiet and lonely moments most of us experience after a break up), but burning bridges is often the best way to get over a girl and move on.

If you want to get in touch with her and work on being friends, wait at least 4 weeks.

 

[Kaine]

In one of your threads I concluded that she just wasn't really into you (based on your post).


She obviously didn't dislike you enough to turn down a date.


Even if she had told you she loves you, need to see through this and look at her actions.
And you should also be working to raise that IL and keep it there.


Maybe you were been too nice (she seemed to take it for granted all your little favors), and you didn't demonstrate in your post how you let her chase you. You need to let her do things for you so she feels that you are the prize, else psychologically she will think she is the catch. The more she works for you, the more she thinks you are worth and the more she will disregard your other competitors (in this case the ex and the new guy Brendon??).


High IL Indicators::

She proposes dates or wants more of your time, she buys you gifts or pays for you, she does you favors, she is nosey about you, she wants to sleep with you.


If you want her back, I recommend you keep your distance. From your post I think you did good by not appearing needy. But I would have kept the sarcastic comment "have a nice life" for real bi.tches you don't REALLY want to see anymore. It's not the right vibe you want to give, that fact you indicate that you can walk away is better. I can see however this is quite an advanced situation because of the many variables at play especially those other 2 guys.


Since you may not have many girl friends, perhaps it's better you let this one go and really just be her friend. Then use her for social proof.


Kaine

 

[skinnydart]

Actually, she asked me out the majority of the time we were together. She would call me just to chat / suggest a date for the next day. Actually, the very evening before she broke up we were just sitting in a coffeehouse just chillen, she suggested I come and sit by her, for the next hour we just kinda held eachother's hands and sat there with our arms around eachother with her leaning up against me. If we were walking anywhere and I wasn't holding her hand, she would reach down and take it. That's why I was totally shocked when she said "we need to talk".

Here is a conversation one of my guy friends evidently had with this girl 2 days before she broke up with me aparently. (He was trying to get a date with her sister) I know it's long, so the most relevant comments are Bolded.

Her: so i have a personal question
Her: DO NOT repeat
Her: especially to <skinny>
Friend: ok go ahead
Her: do u know the relationship between me and <skinny>....like how does he refer to me...am I someone he is dating or does he consider me his girlfriend?
Her: cuz i'm confused
Friend: i think this is why he didn't want me talking to you
Her: and maybe i should ask him
Her: but i feel stupid
Friend: ok i'm going to give you advise as if i didn't know either of you
Her: ok
Friend: i've been through a couple of relationships and so i have learned a few things
Her: ok
Her: me 2
Friend: don't just assume some status of the relationship
Friend: chances are one of you will have a different idea than the other
Friend: example
Friend: not at all related to real events here
Friend: say one person starts assuming that they are gf and bf due to whatever reason
Friend: first kiss, time dating, yada yada
Her: ok...
Friend: well now you have a situation where each person has a different definition of where the relationship is
Friend: that is not good
Her: but i'mm a girl
Friend: yeah that's where is kidna sucks here
Friend: you just have to wait
Her: i don't like dating just to date
Friend: that's not what i said
Her: i know
Her: let me explain
Her: to me, that is how i feel. I don't like holding hands, holding, or kissing someone who is not clearly my bf
Friend: i understand i'm the same way
Her: when u r dating someone usually that leaves u a little open to other guys advances
Her: when u have a bf/gf, now thats a different ball game
Friend: ok well here's what you have to decide
Friend: well let me back up for a sec
Her: ok
Friend: ok when 2 people are dating but not officially together or what you want to call it
Friend: bf and gf
Friend: that is where both parties are getting to know the other person and deciding if it is someone they want to commit ot
Her: gotcha
Friend: after the guy decided it is then he has to ask the girl
Friend: this can be, depending on the guy, nerve racking
Friend: he's thinking what if she says no, how should i ask, is it too soon, does she like me
Friend: you get the idea
Her: but sometimes there is more than one guy and they would both be great for the girl, so if the one guy doesn't snatch her quickly, she might get bored w/ Dating and move to the next guy
Her: ok another question. Does <skinny> beleive in kissing
Friend: as for the kissing i have no idea
Friend: guys don’t' talk about stuff like that
Her: o ok
Her: has he ever kissed a girl
Friend: again same as before
Friend: would it matter
Friend: i don't want to talk about <skinny> like this, it's not right
Her: ok let me explain more. My last bf, John, he was myy everything. I loved him and I always will. But he broke it off. We got nback 2 months later and yet again he got scared of committment and stuff and dumped me. Its been 3 months. I promised during the first breakup preiod that i would wait 4ever. ANd i carried that thought on throughtout the second breakup. John still loves me but i can't wait 4ever for him to make up his mind. I'm miserable if i do that. I rather find other love than wait in misery.
Her: what do u mean its not right (talking about <skinny>)
Her: i asked a question
Friend: i don't want to talk about <skinny>
Her: i'm not saying i want him to kiss me
Friend: i didnt' say you did
Her: by all means, i want to take this relationshop SLOW
Friend: don't ask me specific questions about <skinny> please
Her: well by your last comment u seemed upset that i asked a question like that
Friend: no i don't really get upset, just trying to make you think
Her: about what?
Her: i dated John for a year and 3 mnths
Her: i think John and i could work but not now
Her: i was supposed to b engaged to him by 2006
Friend: well it isn't fair to date someone else to fill in the time
Her: but he isn't ready like i thought
Her: and though i love him i can't b hurt no more
Her: i'm not doingthat to <skinny>
Her: never would

 

[christz]

all i gotta say is i hate girls with oneitis, espeiclly the form ther prevents them from moveing on, but not getting with another guy.

so you get half the girl her e/x did because her mind is always wandering thinking about him, and while your fu*king her she's thinking about him as well.

damn, shame honestly

 

[Disconnect]

Originally posted by skinnydart
I just don't want to burn bridges with her because I know she likes me but is just confused right now.

Bull. She dumped you. Obviously, her il wasn't as high as you thought it was, so get over it. Yeah yeah, i know... the "she'd make a great friend" babble has been said before, but it rarely works, and if it does, it wouldn't be worth the effort and nerves you'd have to put into it.

I refuse to believe that anyone out there is confused about who to like or who to be with. They simply use the excuse to let you down easy:
"Oh, I'm telling you that I still like you so your frail remains of self esteem don't crumble under the gravity of me dumping your pathetic ass (cause that's what's really going on). You are too nice to me, I don't deserve you, there are thousands of girls out there who will die to be with you, but we are just not meant to be together......" Smell it yet? :flowers:

 

[Kaine]

Its good that you managed to get that close with her.

BUT

It's gotta keep progressing physically and everything else I've said still stands to drive her IL high. Don't get comfortable at hand holding and hugs, get her into bed, get her to cook for you etc etc


Again her attachment to her ex is a big red flag and you need to be aware that you are dealing with a girl with excess baggage.


Kaine

 

[skinnydart]

But what about all those questions she was asking my friend about the status of our relationship, kissing, etc. You think if she had already decided to dump me (she said she had been thinking about it for a few days) she wouldn't really care whether or not I believe in kisisng or call her my gf behind her back.

 

[MindOverMatter]

yo man, don't think about it. you made your play, you're out of that sewer. right now, instead of appreciating the fresh air around you, you're trying to figure out how to crawl back into the sh!t.

 

[penkitten]

i read your post and figured i would drop in my two cents:

i think that you handled the situation very smart and mature.
no worries about the email, later she will remember you as the one that got away.

i think that you should move on and date others and not worry about this girl. you will just bounce back so fast.

the girl on the other hand , i do not think is a total drama queen. her situation seems to be that she did something with the ex that she doesnt want to say outloud , but have someone figure out . she feels guilty for it. she still likes him a little but wont get back with him. its probally sex or something like that shes hiding with the sara comment.
i feel like the girl is confused, she also likes you but doesnt want to mix you up in a bunch of drama, which means she respects you.
maybe there are a few more guys chasing her and she is confused.

women know what they want and they act accordingly .
teenage girls, with new found hormones, act crazy and think crazy, stay confused , its very weird.

she probally needs to not be steady with anyone for a little while and take some "me" time to figure herself out.


dont be upset at her , because at least she told you what was going on , no lies and no games. if you were going thru a rough time you would want others to understand also.


however, shes history! find a new girl = one that cant get enough of you :cheer:

 

[skinnydart]

its probally sex or something like that shes hiding with the sara comment.

What "sara comment" are you refering too here? The more I think about that, you're probably right. We go to a Christian college so it would make since that she would hide it from me.

she probally needs to not be steady with anyone for a little while and take some "me" time to figure herself out.

I would tend to agree, but then why was she asking my friend "does <skinny> call me his gf?" and in so many words, "why hasn't he kissed me yet". You'd think from those she's wondering why I haven't asked her to be my gf (make a committment) yet.

 

[Jariel]

I can really relate to your situation because I have been on both sides. I have been dumped, got clingy and hopeful, tried to put things right, tried to be friends only to end up getting played and hurt even worse. I have also been pursued by clingy women who think that being my friend, being nice and being around me a lot will win my affection.

I'd never consider dating these clingy women, BUT, I'd sometimes contact them when I'm feeling low and maybe even flirt a little just for a bit of attention and ego stimulation. They're just ways of reassuring myself that I'm still attractive and still have options.

Now this is something you really have to watch out for! Don't let yourself fall into this role and get used for a bit of attention when this girl is feeling low as it's a really pitiful position to be in and a sure way to blow any chance you might have stood.

 

[skinnydart]

She posted this on her online blog...

I talked w/ <skinny> at 5pm...that was tough. Decisions are hard, like I stated before, and I HATE hurting ppl. There's just so much stuff in my life that I have to work out.

 

[padrote]

Originally posted by skinnydart
She posted this on her online blog...

don't read her blog