She lied to me and used me

[Viper423]

Backround info:
Me and this girl have know each other for 4 years and just this year have messed around a few times and had sex. Well, this past summer she met this guy and they messed around too, but then she broke up with him but they still remained in contact cause they work together. Well, this situation is complicated. She told me before we started messing around that she didn't want a relationship with anyone right now, and she assured me there was nothing going on between her and this other guy. Well, we both admited that we liked each other, but her feelings for me aren't as strong as mine are for her, and we both know this. So after we had sex she regreted it because she didn't want a relationship and she told me that us messing around and stuff would only make me like her more, so she told me she didn't want to do anything more physical with me. Basically she tried to turn a romantic relationship that had just began into being friends only. Well, we see each other everyday because of class, but we have barely spoken since then. I really like this girl, and I have told myself to next her and move on, but it's very difficult because I see her everyday. Well, here's the kicker. My friend works at a Christmas tree farm and he said that this past weekend this girl and her old fling I already mentioned showed up and bought a tree. And he told me that they were all over each other. This ***** lied to me. She told me that she didn't want to be with anyone, especially this other guy, and there was no way ever that she would get back with him. I'm still trying get over her, and since we haven't talked much the past few weeks, she doesn't know that my friend told me about her. Well, I need some advice. Should I get some closure here and talk to her and tell her how she lied to me and ****. Cause she is trying to walk out of this looking like a nice person and I want to lay it on her. Also, I'm thinking about kicking this guys ass if I ever see him. Any advice, insights?

 

[am4591]

I wouldn't waste my time. Plenty of other girls out there. Whatever you do, don't let her know that it gets to you, make her think it's no big deal to you. She's not worth the time and effort of confronting her about it. Just move on and find somebody else.

 

[JohnJones]

Honestly, she lied to you to make it easier on herself and you. People (not just girls) don't like to deliver bad news and they don't want to get blamed for things they do. This is why people say "it's not you, it's me..."

Also, because someone else will say it eventually, to the extent that any kind of relationship means that you are entitled to the truth or not to be lied to, I don't read your post as showing that kind of relationship.

She actually probably thought she was being magnanimous.

 

[Cremasta]

Originally posted by Viper423
Well, we both admited that we liked each other, but her feelings for me aren't as strong as mine are for her, and we both know this... Any advice, insights?

Hey Viper, all of her behaviour leads back to this. Basically she is just not that keen on you. Sure, she likes you enough to screw you you, but that is it.

Why beat the other guy up? This is nothing to do with him except that she obviously likes him more. This game is over for you, walk away.

 

[Mr. Delicious]

ya why the hell would you beat up the other guy? He is completely innocent. Also, girls always say they dont want a relationship but i bet 99% of them actually do. Its their twisted way of letting you down easy.

 

[Big Pappy]

NO!


The game is not over! Four years, buddy. Women are a sentimental bunch. She does care for you. She does like you. She just likes that other guy a little more at this point in time.

You've been too available for her. How did she know that you liked her more than she liked you? It's difficult to quantify such things.


Be polite. Pretend that you know something that she does not.
You will not next her...permanently. Just temporarily. Here's the scoop. All she wanted was to be your friend and shag every now and then. She didn't want a relationship that was exclusive.

See, women do not love the way we do. They simulate love in exchange for nourishment, protection and happiness. As soon as one of those variables is missing, she will be too.

She was simply "shagging" while you were making love. Learn the difference.

It is not too late! But, it will take some time. You'll need tons of social proof, a legitimately busy schedule and some detachment.

Here's the deal. If it doesn't work for you, so what, you've already moved on, and the semester is at a close. You won't be seeing her very much, I don't think.

Possible Outcomes:
NEXT. No friendship, no cuddleb*tch, no nothing.

Friends - You hook up with a girl hotter than her. Then it will be much easier to be her "friend".

FWB - If you were worth half a damn in the sack, this is still possible. You both have a lot of time vested in this relationship.

Romantic relationship - Unlikely - she just doesn't like you that much -- yet. Reread the DJ Bible. You can raise her interest level,
You can win her over.



THEN......


Oh, man! She lied to spare my feelings again! Am I so wimpy that she thinks I can't take it? Or is she so "sensitive" that she doesn't want to hurt me with the truth?

Your best bet is FWB. This way, she can be honest about who else she's doing. And you can be honest about who else you're doing as well.


My opinion -- next her, just based on the lie alone.
But know this: You lost this girl because you demonstrated with your actions that you were focusing your life around her, not around your world, your activities.

This does hurt -- a lot. I've screwed up that way before. It took 6 years of detachment before she came back around, by that time I was completely over her and shagged her good and then nexted her, turning her into an AFC just for kicks.

Just get busy improving yourself, so that you can justify improving your standards.

 

[PuertoRican_Lover]

she is a wh@re - y do u like such a ho? u and many other chumps on this site have no dignity and r weak men - u r suppose to screw wh@res and not fall in love with them!!!!! wh@res r not to b chased - they r to b found!... and then thrown away -- she owes u nothing - quit acting like a sentimental woman!!

 

[Gangster Of Love]

Yes, women feel the need to do anything, including lying, in order to protect that fragile male ego of us. She knew that nothing would hurt you more than her going with that specific guy, so off course she was gonna lie to you. Don't blame her for that. I don't know if you are knew here, it seems.

"I don't want a relationship right now" = I don't want a relationship with you.

"Us messin' around is only gonna make you like me more." = You are too clingy, and I disrespect you for it. I want something else from somebody else.

This is a great opportunity for you to change yourself and focus on the most important person in your world. You need to get over this fast; don't become a victim of your circumstances. What will you make out of this?

Most of us here were there at one point when we first came here; and guess what? That bad experience was the trigger for us to seek something better for ourselves.

I suggest you learn the game, and I'm talking about the "Inner Game" here. Understand how male/female dynamics work, and make it work for you. It will not be fast or easy, but its worth it.

When I was 21, my all-time One-itis, object of my desire, etc. Put me in the friend zone and told me that one day I would find somebody perfect for me, and that I would thank her. Well, at the time it was the last thing I wanted to think about. Well, many years later, I wish I could take her to dinner and THANK HER for rejecting me at the time. It was one small rung to the ladder that is getting me where I want to go.

Perfect opportunity for me to plug an old post of mine from the Tips forum.

Reaching 'Mastery' Level as a DJ


Feel free to email me and/or private message me with anything, here to help you or any other of the fella's here.

 

[Rahul]

Originally posted by Viper423
She lied to me and used me

Remember that when you're in the throws of oneitis.

What you need to do is remember that she is a lying b*tch. Meditate on your negative feelings about her so that it turns into hatred, and then use that hatred to motivate yourself into realizing your full potential.

Turn yourself into a guy that she would die for to get back at her, because a girl's worst nightmare is missing out on the great catch.

 

[OpenMind]

If u want to get over this case of oneitis, which is what this is, follow this advice.. tell yourself that the best way to get this wh0re (which is what you want to do).. is to back off, use social proof as Big Pappy said in his post, and go and date other women and keep yourself happy... keep busy and do the things that you like to do.. then when you get the urge to call her or if you see her, tell yourself that keeping away from her and ignoring her will make her want you more.. keep this pattern up and make it a part of you.. the more you do this the more you will realize how she is not right for you and your interest level in her will plummet... but you must keep it up.. it must be a circle.. think about her.. tell yourself she will want you more if you stay away, back off, think about her again, then think how much more she will want you if you keep your distance and act aloof, and before you know it... you will have control of your emotions and yourself again... like you did before you knew her 5 years ago...... you will see the light... she is nothing but a wh0re.. undeserving of your time whether it be mental or physical.. oneitis bl0ws but it can be beat provided that you follow this advice.. good luck!

BTW.. this woman never saw herself as lying to you, she saw it as protecting your emotions. you can't blame a woman for being a woman, cuz that is just their nature.. you just need to learn ******** for the next chick, so you don't get so far wrapped up into her emotionally until she is the same for you! thats how they unintentionally rip your heart to shreds.. i have been there.. i know what it is like!

 

[Viper423]

Guys, I cannot express my gratitude enough, you all have been very welcoming of myself and my dilema. I have looked back on this and have realized pretty much every mistake I made with this girl. I plan on doing like Big Pappy said and temporarily next her and put her in the back seat. I will see her everyday in class for the next 5 1/2 months so I will stil keep my options open. Today was the first day of class since Thanksgiving and we didn't even make eye contact at all;it was almost as if we didn't even acknowledge each other existed. Well, my plan was to back off of her like OpenMind said, and if she ever got intersted in me, she would come to me. My next question....Is there anything I can do to make myself the guy she would die for, the great catch despite the mistakes I made, even though I realize them now? She has even acknowledged that I have stopped contact with her. During this past week she sent me a text message on my cell asking me if I wasn't talking to her anymore. I just sent a message back and said that I had been busy. So should I keep this pattern up of not even acknowledging her and not talkin to her unless she does me first? And I know it won't solve anything, but this other guy is a bum (25 years old not working), and a jerk, so if i see him I prolly won't be able to control my myself from whiping his ass pretty good.

 

[OpenMind]

to answer your question about changing yourself into the guy she would die for.. i would advise you to work on your physical appearance by working out and being healthy overall.. as far as mentally you need to change your focus to yourself and your needs and your schoolwork.. when you do this you will become much more attractive to women.. dont waste anymore time on focusing on her.. constantly motivate yourself that the more your focus on yourself the more she will desire you... as i said before, the more you do this the more your true focus will shift to yourself, and she will just become a minor detail in your life, as you sadly are in hers at the present time. but dont let this thought get you down, because there are plenty of other women out there that this chick has prepared you for and who are noticing how attractive you are becoming!... good luck!

 

[Trogdawg]

Okay stop right there.

Viper your so close to getting what we are trying to tell you. Everyone here has repeated the sosuave way of life: make you life better for yourself. You are still thinking about her when you should be thinking about yourself. While you sit and ponder what should I do your wasting valuable time that could be spent on yourself. Be it lifting weights, studying, philosophy, sports, games, pool, time with your buds, whatever; your wasting your life away.

Every single guy in this site has had oneitis and we've all tried to change ourselves so that we can get that person back. This is mistake number one. Mistake number one leads to mistake number two which is creating a better you FOR HER. Not making youself better for yourself but for some wench who is never going to think of you as BF material.

Leave the other guy alone man. He doesn't have any idea about you and if he treats her like shiat it's HER OWN DAM FAULT!! You are not her gaurdian let her screw herself over. She had a chance to be with you and she blew it. So move on to bigger and better things.

NO MORE TEXT MESSAGES. Women use them because they can hide behind a screen without risking themselves. It's like emailing or MSN messanger. Women are much weaker face to face because they have to feel your pain or anger about this stuff. They actually see that they are the reason you feel bad and so they feel bad.

Funny thing about emails is that women think they can yell at you over the internet. oh, ouch.

 

[Viper423]

Thanks OpenMind...I'm taking all this advice to heart. I am actually a pretty avid bodybuilder..workout 5 days a week and have what girls tell me is a "model's body" so I've got the physical part covered and am really going to focus on the mental part that you have told me about. It's just so hard for me to get over this girl after I've been through so much with her and see her everyday, but I know what has to be done and I will do it. Who knows, I might play my cards right and she might be in my future, but I'm not counting on it anymore, and am going to make myself better for myself. Any more advice?

 

[Trogdawg]

Nope. This is the best part, your on your own.

 

[OpenMind]

you are on the right path as long as you choose this attitude and live by it! you arent bettering yourself for any woman, you are doing it for you! for your self worth and to achieve your goals! when you choose to see things this way you will attract women by the dozens and that is when you will be able to "pick" the one that you feel is your best match, as opposed to letting them pick you.. (oneitis is what this is, and they will trample your heart and tear it to shreds!.. unintentionally of course..cuz it is your fault!) doc love says women are worried about their "feelings" for you, not your feelings for them, so when you become so attractive you can exploit their feelings for you and keep your distance emotionally to choose the right one of the "many" woman you will be dating! good luck!

 

[Jake Steed]

No offense kid, but you are an idiot. She used you as an emotional crutch while she was on the rocks with her bf and she lied to you. SO *WHY* DO YOU WANT TO GET BACK WITH THIS GIRL?? Please remind me again what's so good about her, since I seem to have forgotten. And they say WOMEN are the more emotional of the sexes....whatever.

And you also want to beat up her bf?? Give me a fvcking break. You are jealous, weak-minded, have poor taste in women, easily manipulateable, wrapped around her finger, and bitter. You currently ARE a living example of what this girl DOES NOT WANT, or any girl for that matter. You say you want to be her ideal man? You are behaving like the farthest thing from that.

My advice to you is to completely overhaul your attitude, unwrap yourself from around this girl's finger, and deal with your jealousy.

Jake

 

[OpenMind]

Jake Steed couldnt be on the money anymore! when you unwrap that "jeaousy", which is nothing more than your insecurity that you aren't worthy.. you will become, feel, and live like a man that is more than worthy.. and a man that is worthy does not feel worthy because some woman is attracted to him.. he is worthy because he has proved to himself that he can defeat himself.. and when you can defeat yourself, your worst enemy, you can have anything you want.. in your career and with women..the ones that you chose! not the ones that temporarily chose you then head south! good luck!

 

[Zossima]

Originally posted by Viper423
Also, I'm thinking about kicking this guys ass if I ever see him. Any advice, insights?

Big mistake....... You should thank this guy for showing you how big a piece of crap she is. This guy did nothing to you. She did!!! By shooting the messenger you could end up in jail or with your head beat in. Not smart at all.

 

[bp1974]

This ***** lied to me. She told me that she didn't want to be with anyone, especially this other guy, and there was no way ever that she would get back with him. I'm still trying get over her, and since we haven't talked much the past few weeks, she doesn't know that my friend told me about her. Well, I need some advice. Should I get some closure here and talk to her and tell her how she lied to me and ****. Cause she is trying to walk out of this looking like a nice person and I want to lay it on her. Also, I'm thinking about kicking this guys ass if I ever see him. Any advice, insights?

It's a tough lesson to learn, but the plain fact is, this is what young or immature women do when they're just not that into you. Most of them will pretty much say anything if it helps them not feel guilty, and the dumbest thing is they truly think that they're 'sparing' your feelings by lying.

Once you can accept that this is just what they do, you'll be in a much better place. Because rather than getting pissed off with the fact you were lied to, you can see it as her way of telling you she's a lost cause. She's not doing it out of spite or hate, she thinks she's doing the right thing, silly as that is. If you can get that, you are then on your way to getting over the oneitis.

You did the right thing with the texts - short and non-committal. It's hard having to see her for the next 5 months. The best thing you can do is treat her like anyone else you have little interest in. Make smalltalk if necessary, but NO texting, NO emailing, NO coffee dates. If she pesters you, just keep blowing her off, tell her you're busy etc. She'll soon get the message. Whatever you do, NEVER tell her you know she lied or that it pissed you off. And if there's anyone else in your class that you're interested in, now's a good time to start getting to know them better.

And for God's sake, leave the other guy alone. He's clueless in all this.