she keeps dumping all her problems on me

[rocco]

this girl that ive been seeing these days, whenever we talk, all she does is talk about her problems.

i play it cool. listen, sympathize with her, and then try to escalate the conversation into something more sexual..

am i on the right track here? I would like to be more real. Like if she were my girlfriend and we talked to eachother more often (like what couples do), i can only "Switch the conversation" so many times before she starts thinking that im just trying to get inside her panties.. and even if i were, i wouldnt want her to know that.. know what i mean?

 

[kdnash82]

First off, it sounds like you're her vent. You're her guy friend that she can confide in. All her pressures and worries are released through you. There wasn't a lot to go off of, but it sounds like she doesn't see you sexually.

At the same time, when you're talking to a girl, not every conversation has to be about sex. It's good just to find out what you're dealing with, but actions speak a lot louder than words. Keep the conversation lite and fun.

Lastly, personally, I do not talk on the phone with girls. Not even my close friends. I find something weird about it. The only way I would consider talking to a girl is if she's in a different state, and even then it would probably last about 5-10 minutes. If I'm talking to a girl for that long, it's most likely to catch up on things because we haven't seen or talked to eachother in a long time. 90% of the times I call girls is to tell them that I wanna hang out with them (setting up a meeting).

Maybe it's just me, but I like face to face conversations a lot more than over the phone or texting.

 

[rocco]

we've gone out on dates. and ive gone down on her, and made out with her.

but yeah another thing that i was concerned about.. friendzone. although, i dont think i can fully be put into friendzone with this girl because of what type of relationship we had initially. i do see that our interest level in eachother is going down slightly, but perhaps this is the natural progression of a mature relationship?

maybe I will just talk with her less.. bring it down a few notches.. and see her in person more often. and perhaps this way it'll keep our relationship more fresh. afterall, ive only gone out with her only a few dates so far (but we've talked a lot over the phone and on instant messenger). i dont know if we're at that level yet..

 

[KontrollerX]

Yeah you don't wanna let her keep you as her emotional tampon because even with the relationship you had initially it will be all too easy for her to say well rocco I think we're better as just being friends, I'm not ready for a relationship now all the while behind your back she is fvcking the guy that doesn't always listen to her sh!t.

Maybe cut out the messenger stuff altogether and keep the phone calls short like kdnash said and all about setting up dates you can take her on.

Good luck!

 

[NickSCFC2000]

Ya know usually relationships are all about having someone to talk about your problems with. Share YOUR problems with HER, probably more change of having sex with her that way than using all this "escalating" bullcrap.

 

[yep]

It kinda sounds to me like it could be a few things.
1. Shes testing you to see if ur gonna be her girlfriend or her "man".

2. Your already in the friend zone, and u mine as well forgot sex

-or-

3. Your getting to the friend zone,and u need to do something fast.

Either way ur best chance imo is to say your not her girlfriend and you woudl rather have fun with her. Then start being fun around her.

 

[Credos]

It kinda sounds to me like it could be a few things.
1. Shes testing you to see if ur gonna be her girlfriend or her "man".

2. Your already in the friend zone, and u mine as well forgot sex

-or-

3. Your getting to the friend zone,and u need to do something fast.

Either way ur best chance imo is to say your not her girlfriend and you woudl rather have fun with her. Then start being fun around her.

1) No
2) maybe
3) maybe

What kind of problems is she dumping on you:
How hard her studies are: Its equally hard for everybody
about her ex: YOU DON'T CARE (yes you say this to them, if she's angry about it, then you were already in the friend zone anyway)
About her parents: You can't help her

When women start talking about problems, you should bail. Nice guys will cover that aspect in your gf's. At this moment, sounds like you're playing the role of the nice guy.

One last question: You've gone down on her, great, did she do anything in return?

 

[yep]

I think i put that wrong. Although she COULD be testing. Women dont want a sexually attractive "lover" type or interesting relationship material to sit there and listen to her problems all the time. Thats boring. Its boring to you, its boring to her, and its bad for a sexual relationship.

I dont agree with bailing, i agree with telling her just to STOP and make the interaction fun. Your not her girlfriend and u dont wanna listen to her ****, it would work best in a ****y and funny way. Like this.

Look if it had tanned tits, overly brushed hair, crossed my legs and said "get OUTTA HERE NO HE DIDNT UH HUH". Then this would work out.... but i'm going to take another approach on our interaction..then BAM start doing it.

My 2 cent.

edit: You could also throw in a little finger snap with the no he didnt uh huh to add a little more humor to the ****y. whatever fits u

 

[DJsomeday]

^^gold IMHO^^

 

[penkitten]

if you want a chick not to confide in you, but just come over and do you, then you should look for a call girl.
relationships are all about connections and talking to someone.
she probably isn't dumping her problems on you, but rather she just wants someone to listen to her.
make up your mind, do you want a girlfriend or do you want some girl who will stop by to suck you on her way to the mall?

 

[Obsidian]

Read the Bible, n00b, specifically the Book of Pook. Your question is fairly broad and shows a significant lack of understanding. (For example, your methods feel "unreal" to you.)

 

[rocco]

you bring up a good point penkitten, but

i think yep was right on point, about keeping it light and fun. even if it means taking alittle bit time off from eachother and start off fresh later some other day when she's in a better mood..

we're still dating, and we're not exclusive yet.. her confiding all the negativity to me, is reallyy going to screw everything up, imho. i dont even feel like talking to her lately, because it brings me down when i hear about all her negativity...

yall are welcome to input more suggestion. thanks everyone

 

[MMA Juan]

Hi Rocco,

That's what i love about this forum, we can almost always relate to the same sh!t.

One of the girls i'm interested in at the moment has me in the same situation. We're close, and we've had a few close nights of sexual interaction, but lately when i've seen her she dumps all this negative talk on me-work, she doesn't know where she is headin in life etc.

All you Juan's out there, what ways do you reckon would be good to show that you don't just see her as a fvck and care about what she says, but at the same time show u aint a ***** with a d!ck?

My action plan at the moment is i haven't contacted her for a few days n will wait for her to call, and the next time we meet which will prob be at night i'll say lets go out not tellin her where, and i'll prob hit the beach n play some Aussie Rules Footy (a good excuse for kino). I'm from down under by the way.

 

[raspliffarian]

its not that big of a deal to listen to her and offer your solutions... thats what a woman wants from a man, support and decision making... help her realize that the problems she faces arent the biggest in the world but youre there regardless for her

as long as she aint complaining about another dude and youre wondering why the **** she isnt more concerned about the guy shes currently with...

 

[Cremasta]

If you're halfway serious about the girl, then listening to her problems is just part of the package. Girls like to talk, it's just the way it is.

But there has to be a fair balance. If she starts to unload and it looks like there will be no end to it, try pulling her up and saying "Look, how about you tell me what was good about your day instead?!" If she doesn't get the hint, then being more direct is your only option.

 

[betterthandead]

In the woman's world, it's unattractive if a guy was complaining about work, family, friends. Why shouldn't it be the same in the man's world? There's a lot more better things to talk about than trivial problems which are not life threatening. I don't mind listening to women problems, but I'm not going to answer back much.

 

[Marcopolo]

I am probably going against what others say here, but I think penkitten is right on this one. In fact, I think it is a sign that a woman is seriously interested in you when she talks about her problems as weird as it sounds. In relationships that is what women do, they come home and talk about their day and vent their problems to their man. Mostly they just want you to listen to them and empathize(I think). If it is a serious problem then they may want you to help them with solutions, but mostly I think they just want you to listen. That is the way women are.
That being said, she may also be using you as an emotional tampon. Two ways to know the difference, first, is she sleeping with you? Have you tried and been brushed off? If yes then she is probably using you as an emotional tampon. If you have slept with her, or been intimate with her and it is moving in that direction, then she is probably just being a woman. The second part, is, if she is not sleeping with you, what kind of problems is she discussing with you exactly? Are they relationship problems with other men she is seeing? If yes then she is most definitely using you as an emotional tampon.

 

[rocco]

she just talks about having no job, and no money, and how her car broke down, and missed her job interview, etc. she doesnt mention other guys.

sometimes, when she's in a good mood, she implies about us potentially having sex together. other than that, we've done a lot of foreplay, and phone sex..

 

[cNfny]

you're fine. just don't let the physicalness dwindle.

 

[KarmaSutra]

1. Shes testing you to see if ur gonna be her girlfriend or her "man".

Yessiree!

Karmic Law #7 - If you're not in any type of sexual relationship with her, you're her girlfriend.