She flaked, am I being too leinient here?

[The Comeback Kid]

UPDATE...POST #10

First, thanks for everyone who helped in my "first date tips" thread: http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=152981

I got a text a little while ago from the girl saying she got called in to work early, she's "really sorry," and she said we will figure something out. Luckily, I was talking to a friend of mine who is very good with girls at the same time, so he kept me from exploding on her lol. :cuss: However, I did celebrate at the fact I proved my roommate wrong and that girls do flake regularly. :crackup: My friend then told me to test her excuse by asking her for a bite in an hour. She said she's in class, but she did offer a rain check!

She wants a "coffee date" in a couple of days. Because the place is literally two minutes away from my dorm and I have nothing else going on during that part of the day, I agreed. HOWEVER, she is aware that I'm on the warpath! :trouble: No funny business will be tolerated. I told her the time and place she provided is fine, but I don't have all day, so if she's more than a few minutes late I'm leaving. She begged me not to hate her if she's late, I told her I'll do my best (half-jokingly).

The bottom line is this: she flaked, but she is offering a rain check. I'm no longer nervous about anything, because she is now going to prove herself to me, not the other way around. She screwed up, and it will be up to her to get into my good graces. This will be her true test of character.

Any thoughts? Her reaction after the "flaking" is odd. She is now the one sending the longer texts, trying to make this work. Meanwhile, I'm the one whose approval is now seeked... I am basically "not a believer" because of her flaking, and am being generous by offering her another shot, one that will be very easy for me (it's real close to my place, and there isn't nearly as much involved). I will also get to the point very quickly, no more games.

UPDATE...POST #10

 

[The Comeback Kid]

This little nugget may help, I just realized it too...she works at a sports bar and tonight is Game 5 of the World Series...she may actually be telling the truth.

I have a short temper with disrespect, luckily I didn't appear pissed off by this (I of course wasn't happy, but I did not appear upset either). Months ago, I didn't confront disrepsect or flaking or anything like that. Nowadays, I am almost too "trigger-happy," but people who try to take advantage of me quickly change their ways.

 

[DJDamage]

She wants a "coffee date" in a couple of days. Because the place is literally two minutes away from my dorm and I have nothing else going on during that part of the day, I agreed.

Personally I wouldn't have agreed to this.

If I am asking a girl out, she better show up to the place I suggested (which is usally a bar). You see women have to roll to your drum beat early on without compromise, because this really helps to gauage their interest in you.

The higher a woman interest's in you the more eager she is to accomodate you without giving you no bullsh1t hustle. See every bump in the road (cancelation of a date, picking her own date location) early on in which a woman is not on the same page as you are, is not a good thing.

 

[The Bat]

Warpath?

Dude, this girl doesn't owe you $hit. You haven't even been on one date with her. You're acting very possessive and demanding with her.

Of course, she'll flake on your ass if you keep expecting her to forget her life and submit to you at moment's notice when you haven't even been on a first date with her, much less have any type of relationship with her.

Telling you right now, you've got the wrong idea of acting like a prize.

And funny how you were going to prove yourself to her had she not flaked. Who are you kidding dude? You don't prove yourself to her on a first date. That's just a chump way of thinking and doing first dates.

She DID suggest another time so her interest in you isn't THAT low. Go to the coffee date and see what happens. Not that of a big deal to you since you are free that day anyway.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Warpath?

Dude, this girl doesn't owe you $hit. You haven't even been on one date with her. You're acting very possessive and demanding with her.

Of course, she'll flake on your ass if you keep expecting her to forget her life and submit to you at moment's notice when you haven't even been on a first date with her, much less have any type of relationship with her.

Telling you right now, you've got the wrong idea of acting like a prize.

And funny how you were going to prove yourself to her had she not flaked. Who are you kidding dude? You don't prove yourself to her on a first date. That's just a chump way of thinking and doing first dates.

She DID suggest another time so her interest in you isn't THAT low. Go to the coffee date and see what happens. Not that of a big deal to you since you are free that day anyway.

I was a little angrier a little while ago lol. :crazy:

Once I calmed down and thought everything through, I saw things differently. First, thank goodness I didn't appear pissed when I was texting with her, that would have been bad.

You're right in that she doesn't "owe me" anything. Until I connected where she works to what's actually happening in the world tonight, I felt a sense of rendezvous (long story, girls thought I was a joke in high school, I changed entirely since, I don't like people who have their cake and eat it too).

I never said I was proving myself to her (if I did, that was a typo). What I meant was that I am no longer nervous and I can be more "myself" than "myself and then some." Acting like a prize though...not wrong, as long as you do it right. As Pook said, we're "the great catch."

So to sum things up, I didn't actually show any real displeasure with her (I did here on the board though). I'm looking forward to what Wednesday will have to offer.

P.S. I think I just like saying "warpath" lol. A little while ago, I used to be too passive, people would walk all over me. Call me a little sensitive, but that won't happen anymore. If anyone tries to take advantage of me, they'll know about it (I won't yell and scream, but I'll get the point across).

 

[tsmith2334]

Warpath?

Dude, this girl doesn't owe you $hit. You haven't even been on one date with her. You're acting very possessive and demanding with her.

Of course, she'll flake on your ass if you keep expecting her to forget her life and submit to you at moment's notice when you haven't even been on a first date with her, much less have any type of relationship with her.

Telling you right now, you've got the wrong idea of acting like a prize.

And funny how you were going to prove yourself to her had she not flaked. Who are you kidding dude? You don't prove yourself to her on a first date. That's just a chump way of thinking and doing first dates.

She DID suggest another time so her interest in you isn't THAT low. Go to the coffee date and see what happens. Not that of a big deal to you since you are free that day anyway.

I might have tried saying things a little nicer, but that's the truth. +1

 

[The Comeback Kid]

I might have tried saying things a little nicer, but that's the truth. +1

Read the post I made right above yours. That should clear things up a little bit.

 

[tsmith2334]

Read the post I made right above yours. That should clear things up a little bit.

I can appreciate your frustration. I'll give you credit, unlike a lot of guys you were smart enough to vent here rather than to her or anyone that might let your angry words get back to her.

I get worked up over women too, I'd say most of us do. You said you were too passive in the past, the trick is to find a happy medium. I'm either way too passive or over-analytical, and both end up affecting my game negatively. I need to be better balanced too.

Just work on having thicker skin; flaking happens all the time... it's inevitable even among married couples. It's nothing big. You seem sensible enough now, so I'm confident you have a good understanding of the situation as long as your emotions don't get in the way. She owes you nothing, you don't owe her a damn thing either. You'll be fine.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

I can appreciate your frustration. I'll give you credit, unlike a lot of guys you were smart enough to vent here rather than to her or anyone that might let your angry words get back to her.

I get worked up over women too, I'd say most of us do. You said you were too passive in the past, the trick is to find a happy medium. I'm either way too passive or over-analytical, and both end up affecting my game negatively. I need to be better balanced too.

Just work on having thicker skin; flaking happens all the time... it's inevitable even among married couples. It's nothing big. You seem sensible enough now, so I'm confident you have a good understanding of the situation as long as your emotions don't get in the way. She owes you nothing, you don't owe her a damn thing either. You'll be fine.

I was fortunate this was all via text and not a phone call lol. I was able to hold in my initial frustration when I was dealing with her, and then kinda let it out here on the board - she has zero idea I was frustrated at all. If she flakes on her own plan tomorrow, I may need to take some deep breaths before I do anything.

I'm working on finding that happy medium. As we mentioned, I was too passive in the past, now I may be a little too over-the-top when dealing with disrespect and such (it wasn't even planned...something just snapped one day). I'm getting closer to finding that happy medium though, which is good. I have noticed something here for everyone...you get more respect for being a little too aggressive as compared to being a little too passive!

I think my disappointment at first is simply because this is nothing new. I've had a rough go at it in high school and even in my first couple years of college with girls, so I get that "deja vu" feeling when things like this happen. If I had a considerable success or two, that could offset these shortcomings. Unfortunately, I don't have that.

Thanks for the encouragement at the end lol. I have no worries...as long as she shows up, everything should be fine.

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Well it looks like my initial skepticism was right...she flaked. :cuss:

I got to the place a couple minutes early, just to get a feel for it and to find a table. I grab a newspaper to pass the time until ste arrives. It hits date time...and she's not there. Fine, maybe she's running a little late, I'll give her a few minutes. 10 minutes later...nothing. I make a call at 15 minutes, I get only a few rings before I get the voicemail. I then got my jacket and left.

Honestly, I am extremely disappointed in her. She seemed down-to-earth, she gave off a good vibe, not one to play games...and then this happens. I'm also disappointed in general because I was ready for this, and this is a bit of a letdown. The girl made the arrangements as a "rain check," and still she did not have the decency to show up.

It alrady takes me a little while to trust girls, and this certainly doesn't help. My confidence isn't at its highest at the moment...even when I get a "YES", it's still really a "NO." What more is there to do? I know you'll say, "meet more girls," but aside from drunken parties, I've likely met every girl I'm going to run into already this semester. This also shows why I'd act so skeptical after that "I have work" excuse...things just don't seem to work out.

The only remaining question is how to handle this if/when she gives me the "bs" excuse. I'd absolutely enjoy going off on her, but it won't come off well if I was to do that. I'll probably need to say something like, "I felt silly there qith you not showing up. Don't call me to make any future plans, and I'll see you around."

What are your thoughts/insights?

 

[Canadianpimpology]

The thing is, she doesn't owe you anything either since you guys haven't been on a date before or really had any connection aside from short phone calls (from what I understand). From everything that she's done though now.

Don't call her. Don't text her. If she wants to contact you, it's on her. Even if she ends up contacting you first (which honestly, sounds dubious), it's probably best to leave her behind.

 

[giorgio]

Agreed with the above posters. Dont call her, text her, etc.. Whats the point? Forget chasing her. Move on. LOTS of women out there. Oh and PLEASE dont call her acting all sad and pathetic, saying things like "I waited for you.. bla bla bla"
How many chances do you think she deserves? Know what Im saying??

 

[DJDamage]

. I'll probably need to say something like, "I felt silly there qith you not showing up. Don't call me to make any future plans, and I'll see you around."

What are your thoughts/insights?

Don't say nothing to her first. Don't show her that you are hurt or sulking, just be your normal self. If she doesn't even come up to you then don't even bother coming up to her, its basically comes down too: GETTING THE HINT OF IT ALL.

If she comes to you and gives you a B.S response which she will (let me give you my top 3 excuses for this scenerio:

1 - I was sick

2 - I had issues with my cell (batteries were dead or she left it in someone elses house)

3 - I got so busy with school/work I couldn't make it)
---------------------------------------------------------------

Your response: (in a calm quiet voice, like you don't even care) "Whatever".

At least don't give her the satistfaction that you were hurt in all of this and that you care.

NEXT!!!!

 

[giorgio]

Good points, djdamage.

let me ask you this. suppose he already set off an alarm to this girl, that he was upset about the whole thing and he was sulking, trying to make her feel bad. Do you think its too late for himbecause of that one moment of insecurity? If not, how should he be towards her from now on?

Im pretty sure I know what your response will be.
Sometimes guys are embarassed when they've messed up and dont want to come forward and say so. We're all here to help each other though!

 

[DJDamage]

suppose he already set off an alarm to this girl, that he was upset about the whole thing and he was sulking, trying to make her feel bad. Do you think its too late for himbecause of that one moment of insecurity? If not, how should he be towards her from now on?

It doesn't matter anymore. There is no point of playing this game anymore, the only thing that matters now is his own dignity and self-respect.

He wasn't being insecure at all. He gave her one ring after she was 15 mins late and she didn't pick up so he just left.

I think he should still be cordial towards her because they are in the same class together but he doesn't owe her anything beyond that and he shouldn't act like he is hurt or tell her off.

No more get together to study or hanging out after class, she lost that privilege when she choose to disrespect him (remember its all about displaying your actions with women not words). He is only going to hang out or study now with girls he is going to plow later. There is no sweeter revenge then completely moving your attention from one girl to another without a blink of an eye and not making a fuss about it.

 

[giorgio]

You know what.. i misread his last post and the fact that he only called her once and took off. Good for him.

what would ur advice be if she went up to him and/or called him and said something like "whats wrong" or "you're being different" or the everpopular "are you mad at me?"

 

[The Comeback Kid]

Don't say nothing to her first. Don't show her that you are hurt or sulking, just be your normal self. If she doesn't even come up to you then don't even bother coming up to her, its basically comes down too: GETTING THE HINT OF IT ALL.

If she comes to you and gives you a B.S response which she will (let me give you my top 3 excuses for this scenerio:

1 - I was sick

2 - I had issues with my cell (batteries were dead or she left it in someone elses house)

3 - I got so busy with school/work I couldn't make it)
---------------------------------------------------------------

Your response: (in a calm quiet voice, like you don't even care) "Whatever".

At least don't give her the satistfaction that you were hurt in all of this and that you care.

NEXT!!!!

BINGO!!! (I bolded the one she used). I got a text, she said she's "so sorry" about not seeing me, she had some meeting that ran late and it even made her late for her next class. I was a little busy at the time, but when I got around to really reading it, I simply wrote back, "I'll see you around." That's all that needs to be said.

You know what.. i misread his last post and the fact that he only called her once and took off. Good for him.

what would ur advice be if she went up to him and/or called him and said something like "whats wrong" or "you're being different" or the everpopular "are you mad at me?"

Yep, I called once it didn't really seem like anything was going to happen. Once I got the voicemail, I waited another minute or two (to finish the article I was reading lol), took my jacket and left. I'd like to see DJDamage's advice about the last part too. If I do run into her (possibly tomorrow), I'm saying "hey, what's up?" while MOVING the entire time. She flaked; no need to stop and chit chat with her.

 

[f283000]

BROTHER! you are overcomplicating yourself! if a woman is in any way, shape or form interested in you romantically she won't flake you more than twice.

you can forgive the first time, the second time it is time for you to say NEXT! dude this is over, forget about her. If a woman is interested in f_____ you she will say yes to the first time you ask her out and will put away other plans to be with you, if she comes up with an excuse you can ignore and forgive maybe she has legitimate reasons THE FIRST TIME.

The second time is just more backup that she is not interested in you as a man. Sorry. Save your dignity, plenty of fish in the sea. All guys should follow the 2 flake rule, simple enough.

 

[fourblueballs]

If she flakes... don't worry.... move on. She's not worth your time.. you have better stuff to do. Make her come to you next time, at YOUR convenience.

 

[The Bat]

Just be friendly with her if you run into her tomorrow.

No need to throw a hissy fit in front of her or play passive-aggressive mind games like continue walking.

If she says she is sorry about not meeting you, then tell her "no big deal". If you want to be little creative, you can say, "Guess you're going to have to make it up to me somehow...you bring the booze, I'll bring the condoms." WITH A SMIRK!

You know what, just say that. Fvck it. Who cares whether or not she hates you after say that or not, huh? I mean, sure you have to see her in class but she is not the ONLY person in that class. You have other people to hang out with and more importantly, pay attention to the material in class. Get what I'm saying?

But don't show her that you were pissed off or agitated by her flaking on you twice. You are a man of prize and abundance; you DON'T CARE if she flaked on you or not. It doesn't matter TO YOU. It is HER LOSS.

But don't make the mistake of verbalizing all of that. When you verbalize it, you show it to her and you are really telling her, "You hurt me and I'm going to justify that hurt with this response."

Get what I mean?