sh1t or get off the pot?

[MacAvoy]

Ever since the parents incident, I've been playing with scared money (stealing a poker term) in my relationship with my g/f. (long story short - her parents didn't approve of me [criminal record/previous child/incomplete degree/no permanent job] after meeting me, so she broke up with me, tried telling me to move back home)

I made the right move following and walked away. However I didn't move back home, as I loved my new city. I got my own apartment and things started to improve for me personally. She decided that she couldn't live without me and wanted me in her life. However she's busy with her final year of school and with me being alone through xmas, I allowed myself to get down at times.

In addition, we fell into too much of a routine. We don't really do anything exciting however it appears to be enough for her. My problem is that I overanalyze everything and am constantly focussing on the negatives. Whenever I ask her, everything is fine.

Like anything else, money is often a big stressor in life. Its a prime reason why her parents didn't approve of me, they didn't care who I was, the only thing they say was someone going after their daughters money.

So for the past 6 months, I've been working a contract through a staffing agency. It ended 2 weeks ago but today I got a permanent job offer in my field.

She has told me that she is committed to telling her parents about me when her fathers health gets better. However when it comes to her, I have trust issues. As a result, I'm constantly trying to figure out different tests to see where she really is.

Now that I've got a good job. I'm debating about not telling her and she's how committed to me she is if I'm unemployed. I'm thinking about telling her I might leave and see if she's willing to wait for me. Or see if she's willing to take the onus to get me back here once she's ready to tell her parents.

I guess what it comes down to is I'm still lookin for some committment from here. I know, it keeps putting me in a position of weakness whenever I broach the subject.

So writing this, I keep thinking that the DJ thing to do is nothing. Just live your life and if she chooses to be part of it, then so be it. But maybe stop worrying so much about where this relationship is and where its going.

Thoughts?

 

[Vulpine]

This chick again?

Re-read some old threads for advice, it's not like you're going to take it, so why should we bother typing it again?

 

[Mind_Body_Soul]

So writing this, I keep thinking that the DJ thing to do is nothing. Just live your life and if she chooses to be part of it, then so be it. But maybe stop worrying so much about where this relationship is and where its going.

You've got the right idea here bro. Don't mention sh.t to her. You are who you are. She has to accept you for your personality, not your current employment status.

Also - if you aren't happy with her not mentioning you to her parents - leave. If she is hiding you, you have every right to be pis.ed off. You are who you are and that isn't for her parents to judge.

 

[Sinistar]

How many times have you rationalized her not having told her parents about you? That's just one example.

You're her tool. Moved to be with her. Rationalizing why you should stay near her. Rationalizing why your life should be controled by her actions. I bet you stay planted in her frame up until she meets a dude that won't accept her bizzaro crap - and then she'll fvck him - and then she'll dump you - and then you'll be right back here blaming her.

You are aware. You have the facts. You know what the matrix is and how it operates. So why the he11 do you keep jackin into her negative frame?

ps. Other than a few wack jobs, I can't think of a single woman I've dated who hasn't wanted me to meet and spend quality time with her family within 1-2 months of meeting her.

Secrets, Half Truths, Anonymity ==> Bvllsh!t.

 

[Vulpine]

I'm just as guilty as the next guy for writing off AFC's for not following advice.

Ooops... wrong thread?

 

[Aaron B]

In addition, we fell into too much of a routine. We don't really do anything exciting however it appears to be enough for her. My problem is that I overanalyze everything and am constantly focussing on the negatives. Whenever I ask her, everything is fine.

First off, don't ask. You can gauge her interest level through her actions, so you never need to ask her if things are ok.

Its your responsibility as the leader of the relationship to keep things from falling into a routine.

Just like in the beginning, you have to continue to make date plans and put them into action. We all know women are attracted to men taking action and when you stop doing this, her interest level is going to drop in the long-term.

Laying around the house all the time and rarely doing activities is a huge relationship-killer.

Did you take her back no questions asked after she dumped you, then changed her mind?

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

How long MAC? How long have you spent living in this hell? How long has this girl been controling you? How long are you going to allow this to continue? What's it going to take? When are you going to open your own jail cell?

Oh, sorry, is that me being "negative" again? Maybe it comes off that way after having read through all of this for the past 12 months:

I've been acting AFC
What game is she playing?
Uncharted Teritory
The Market fell out for MacAvoy
Get out now or wait?
Next move?
Driving me crazy
LD-LTR take the plunge?

How many different ways do you want us to say this before you'll come to the realization that you're wasting your life agonizing over one girl who's chronically proven she's never been worth the effort? Are you going to be asking us all what to do in February of 2008? 2009?

You're paralyzed MAC. You've known what to do for a long time now. You've had the ability to cure your own disease all along, but you're too scared to take the medicine.

 

[speed dawg]

This guy's a loser. I've never seen a more pathetic story since I began coming to sosuave in early 2005.

I mean seriously, you can't get another chick?

 

[MacAvoy]

How long MAC? How long have you spent living in this hell? How long has this girl been controling you? How long are you going to allow this to continue? What's it going to take? When are you going to open your own jail cell?

How many different ways do you want us to say this before you'll come to the realization that you're wasting your life agonizing over one girl who's chronically proven she's never been worth the effort? Are you going to be asking us all what to do in February of 2008? 2009?

You're paralyzed MAC. You've known what to do for a long time now. You've had the ability to cure your own disease all along, but you're too scared to take the medicine.

I've come to understand where you guys are coming from. Its the picture that I've painted for you all. LOL too funny as I am typing this, I totally see this as someone making excuses as AFC's have done a million times here.

I know that this isn't the place to come for relationship advice but thats not really what I'm looking for. I know to expect the next / move on, free yourself from the jail cell replies. I can accept that.

What I'm look for from this site is that little poke/prod that will guide me in the direction of my own internal self reflection.

I'm totally content with everything I've done in m life up until now. I've had my share of ONS, LTR's and have pretty much fufilled all my realistic fantasies. My career has been the same thing, I've done things that I never dreamed that I would actually get to do as a teenager.

However I am now in my 30's and I've never been able to commit to anything long term in my life. Not a job, not a women, nothing.

I think of the biggest problems with me is that I've been scared the whole time I've been with her. When I was younger, I would give everything in a relationship with a women, give it my all until it was time to cut the line and move on. However there was a life altering event that took place in my life about 2 years ago, since then I've been emotionally detached.

As a result I've acted in a way not to get hurt again by anyone. Now it wasn't a women that brought these feelings on but it is in every aspect of my life. Thats what I've realized that separates this relationship from every other I've had.

I can honestly say that I've been the "love of my life" to at least 3 different women. They've totally fell for me and would still say to this day that they never experience a love like they did for me. However the major difference was the way I acted, I gave everything, I wasn't afraid, I lived without fear. I wasn't afraid to get hurt. In alot of ways, I had the right qualities to totally attract women.

However I hit a rough patch. I never thought I could be kicked down so hard in my life. I thought losing 2 kids to miscarriage was tough when I was younger, I realized that was a cakewalk. I know the world isn't all sunshine and rainbows but I've always been a fighter. I've never been one to accept the status quo, I've always had a fire burning inside me.

For me, coming here was a way to start healing and get back to the basics of life. I literally came here with less than $100 and a bag of clothes. I started working at a call centre to put food on the table. I slowly got better jobs (been through about 5) and now I finally got a permanent offer in my field. Pretty good considering I don't have my credentials yet.

Its a far cry from the 80k I made when I was 24 but I'm on the right path. I've got enough life experience to take me where I need to go. But I haven't done that in my personal life. I've been scared to lay it on the line for the past 2 years.

That is what has changed me, and thats what I see as the biggest difference in my relationships.

So for me now the challenge is to take that risk. Put it all out there. Your right, I've been scared for the past 6 months to put things on the line. Its time for me to lay it out there. From this point on, I'm going to put it on the line. Its time to start living with a fearless heart again.

If I get burnt and hurt then so be it. I'll pick up the pieces again and go out there and give it my best shot again the next day. Thats how winning is done, you've got to be willing to take the beats. So I'm going to change things with her, go full tilt. At least then I'll be able to say either way that I gave it my best. If it doesn't work out, so be it.

I know that they're be another girl waiting in the wings.

 

[speed dawg]

Answer me this: Have you enjoyed the last couple of months of your life?

 

[Sinistar]

So for me now the challenge is to take that risk. Put it all out there. Your right, I've been scared for the past 6 months to put things on the line. Its time for me to lay it out there. From this point on, I'm going to put it on the line. Its time to start living with a fearless heart again.

...so what exactly does "lay it on the line" mean with respect to this woman?

 

[Vulpine]

The abridged version, MacAvoy, so you can hear what you are saying:

My self esteem took a beating early in life, my life went to hell after that, my emotional stability... well, let's just say I needed a tampon, and my life has been in shambles so long that it's pretty much all I know. Being transient for so long, I long for some security and stability. Then, along comes a woman, and I'm in no position confidence-wise to ward off oneitis, so, I want to marry her.

Sounds like you've been a friggin' trainwreck for a long time, dawg. Hey, me too. Who hasn't? Welcome to the club. Boo-Hoo, this chick isn't helping YOU. Did she move to be closer to YOU? No. Because you're a needy little monkey on a leash. C'mon monkey, we're going over here now. Good monkey, here's a treat.

You need to get your house in order. You need to stack a grip, get your goals set, and get moving towards those goals - YOUR goals. This chick is a DISTRACTION. She is KEEPING YOU from getting your sh!t together.

You keep crying and trying to justify her place in your life...

DUDE, YOU FUXING MOVED TO BE CLOSER TO THIS CHICK.

Talk about "putting your life on hold/in jeopardy to chase a woman down". AND WHAT ARE YOU GETTING FROM HER IN RETURN? Sex? You JUST got a decent job again, are renting an apartment, and you are talking about love and feelings and marriage?

We've been screaming at you to forget her, forget women, and get after YOUR business for ages now. It's ridiculous.

Ok, let's pretend for the sake of arguement she's "the one". Let's say you married this chick, finally got your act together, stacked up some loots in the bank, and bought a home. The second you get a shred of self esteem back, guess what, THEN you'll realize how worthless this chick is and get a divorce, lose half your sh!t, and your life will be right back in the toilet.

Oh, please use just a little foresight here, please? Follow along nice and slow:

She won't tell her parents about you because she's ashamed of you.

She's ashamed of you because you're ashamed of yourself.

<meanwhile, she's entertaining other callers - you're a "safe lay" or "wayside">

You're ashamed of yourself because your life is in disarray.

You're life is in disarray because you keep foregoing YOUR life for a woman (and perhaps other things) who is ashamed of you.

You followed her, you chase her, you give her sex, you're life seems to revolve around her... dance monkey, dance.

You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.
You can't polish a turd.

What's the turd here, MacAvoy? You, or her? That's the choice we've been trying so desperately to get you to make.

Unreciprocated love is a bummer to watch. She must really say some beautiful things to you, the little actress hussy.

 

[kyphan]

MacAvoy, stay with her. Don't listen to these guys. After all, it took one unwarranted post from you for me to lose all respect for you (I barely knew this story until recently).

Stay with her. I would rather read these posts over and over again for another two years, knowing you suffered immensely during that time period, just so I can have a little piece of mind. Maybe you CAN make it work. Go for it.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

All I can do is hold up a mirror for you MAC. I can't make you look at yourself.

 

[MaTuA]

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