Sex and guilt.

[Phoenix-09]

Right, I hope my subject title caught your eye.

This is a problem I've had plaguing me since my first girlfriend. Whenever I have sex, I get overwhelmed with guilt afterwards.

I have thoughts like "You shouldn't have done that," and ideas like "You should've saved it for marriage." Thoughts such as "You never even loved her in the first place" have come up and destroyed relationships with girls and me countless times before.

I tried casual sex, thinking it'd be guiltless, but then I get even MORE guilt. I start thinking "You really REALLY shouldn't have done that," amongst other things.

Does anybody else feel this guilt? Is sex really all that wrong? The problem is that this is a moral grey area...I don't know what is right or wrong, and my mind is constantly telling me it was wrong every single time after sex.

I even feel the same guilt after masterbating.

This could quite possibly be the one thing stopping me from becoming successful with women, as whenever I start to hit on a girl, I start thinking of the ultimate goal of sex, and then I start feeling guilty because I really shouldn't be using and manipulating women only for sex...right?

Even if I get them to agree to it, I feel that I manipulated them into it, and I feel wrong because of that.

Am I just some emo nice guy ***** or is this a common problem? I don't get it...please help!

[[[EDIT]]]

I'd just like to add that many of you may think that it's illegal for me to be having sex...though I'd just like to add I live in New Zealand, and our age of consent is 16. So here it isn't illegal for me.

~Phoenix

 

[DJ_in_making]

Are you religious bro?

I know exactly what you're talking about....

 

[Phoenix-09]

No, I'm not religious.

Though I just read an article about sexual guilt, and it seems that religious upbringings can tend to form guilt complexes relating to sex.

http://www.bettersex.com/sexencyc/sex-dictionary/Sex_Guilt.html

It doesn't have any answers but it does bring light to the fact that this is a bit of a problem, and something that was caused by upbringing.

Thinking back at how I was raised, I can fully see why I get guilty over sex...my parents abhor it.

This part of the article in particular caught my eye:

"...confusion about one's sexuality and the appropriateness of sexual contact may lead some guilt-laden individuals to communicate mixed signals to potential partners. These individuals unconsciously engage in a conflicting type of sexual seduction. Giving vent to underlying sexual drives, they may seek to attract others, only to act cold and unresponsive once the other person begins to express interest. If sexual contact takes place, the event may be viewed as a major moral failure and the individual may feel revulsion or hatred toward the seduced partner. The end result of such episodes, which for some individuals becomes a regularly repeated life pattern, is enhanced sexual guilt."

That's me in a nutshell. With each successive girl I manage to get in the sack with, the more I feel guilty afterwards, and now it's gotten to the point where I feel guilty even thinking about getting a casual sex partner. Maybe I can fight it by having sex and forcing myself to believe it's okay for me?

This is a tough battle...

~Phoenix

 

[DJ_Trainee_10]

Premarital sex is wrong if you are religious. That is not to say it is right if you aren't religious. You say that you aren't religious, which shouldn't effect your reasoning of the morality of sex.

However, since you're questioning the morality of premarital sex, that implies you're having semi-religious fellings. "Is this moral?" you ask yourself.

It's wrong in the eyes of God, but everyone does it. That doesn't mean you should.

I have sex regularly, just like the average person here. I don't feel guilty. I'm an average religious person meaning I don't praise freely at public and what not except at church. Conflicting.

It's tough and then its not tough justyifying sex.

It's all about how you feel.

There are religious people who do have sex
There are religious people who don't have sex.
There are non-religious people who do have sex
There are non-religious people who don't have sex.

Pick one.

 

[AC/DC]

You make standards for yourself and those are the ones you hold on to.

Basically, I feel like that sometimes too. Be strong and do what you want to do. Set a goal for yourself and HOLD TO IT. Maybe it will be to have more sex. Maybe it's to have less. Or maybe its to have it only with someone you care about.

In any case, you've done what you've done. Figure out how to mvoe forward with it.

 

[dirtyvibe]

I don't know why you feel guilty. I could bang a ****ing pig up its nostril and not feel guilty. Maybe disgusted but not guilty.

 

[Phoenix-09]

Thanks for all the thoughtful comments and ideas.

Though I think this may be a problem or some sort of complex developed from internalized values shoved into me by my parents when I was younger, I should be able to fight it by setting my OWN values, not the values that people tell me I should have.

Thanks again

~Phoenix