Setting Boundaries in a Relationship

[GhostWriter]

I almost always use the speak without speaking method, however today I did not. We've been exclusive for 5 months and dated about 2 months prior.

Last week she asked me, "Hey, this guy asked for me number what should I say?"

I asked her, "Would you like it if I gave my number to women that asked me?"
She responded with no.
So I said, "Okay then, there's your answer."

Today, she told me that she gave her number to a guy the day before she asked me. However, she said she had no interest in going out with him and she told me she wasn't thinking at the time (I know, I know)

She told me she felt like sh!t b/c after she asked me, she felt horrible.

This is how I set my boundary:

I told her, "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I personally don't find that acceptable in a relationship. There is no right or wrong. If you want to give out numbers to guys then let me know right now so I can leave. You didn't know beforehand so it's cool, but the next time you do it then don't expect me to stick around."

My voice was stern and non-accusatory, but the boldest parts I may have raised my voice slightly.

I strongly felt in my gut that I had to verbalize this in a calm manner. Afterwards I said don't worry about it and get some sleep.

She then called me back within a minute and asked, "If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

I hate to analyze, but was this a red flag? Would a girl with a high interest level ever even think of putting herself in a position of being let go?

I told her you know my boundary, if you want to cross it that's cool. I'm gone. Do as you wish, you're a grown woman. We said goodnight again.

A few minutes later she texts, "I'm so sorry, I truly care about you and I know that you don't like it so I won't do it anymore. hearts blah blah..."

I simply responded with one word. "cute"

How did I handle setting my boundary? And if your girlfriend messes up for future reference, you should never be so quick to forgive and forget right? You have to let her simmer and marinade in guilt and fear, or else she won't clearly get the message?

I understand the importance of speak without speaking, but isn't it more effective to set your boundary verbally?

Thanks for any advice guys. I'm still learning.

 

[DonJuan_DeRosco]

I think you did ok, HOWEVER, this line as you said is niggling me:

She then called me back within a minute and asked, "If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

I would advise watching her behaviour closely over the next few weeks, it sounds like she was flinging you a sh!t test which I think you handled well. But keep those eyes open, just in case.

 

[Desdinova]

You did a good job. The only part I think you did poorly was this:

A few minutes later she texts, "I'm so sorry, I truly care about you and I know that you don't like it so I won't do it anymore. hearts blah blah..."

I simply responded with one word. "cute"

A "thanks" would have been more effective. It would have reinforced the message that she'll be gone if she screws up one more time. Instead, you gave her a somewhat rude and sarcastic answer. Don't be surprised if she comes back and wants clarification on that one word answer.

 

[bukowski_merit]

I almost always use the speak without speaking method, however today I did not. We've been exclusive for 5 months and dated about 2 months prior.

Last week she asked me, "Hey, this guy asked for me number what should I say?"

I asked her, "Would you like it if I gave my number to women that asked me?"
She responded with no.
So I said, "Okay then, there's your answer."

This is a pretty average answer that any random average guy would give. It's.... Probably exactly what she expected when she asked the question. If you want to be hardcore with answering her question - it's better to not do the whole "well what would you do?" situation.... It's meaningless what she would do... If you want to take the more direct approaches to handling women in these situations... Be less passive and more aggresive!

HER: "Hey, this guy asked for me number what should I say?"
ME (if i want to be direct): "Tell him you don't think giving him your number is worth losing your amazing boyfriend over"

Any explanation after that is unnecessary (in fact, she'll probably focus on the "amazing boyfriend" part if she's a girl with a sense of humor.) You stated your stance and that's it. Because you took the direct approach but weren't really clear with what her consequence would be - the next part of your story followed.

I also want to point out that the question itself is alarming... For 2 reasons:

1) It's completely disrespectful.
2) It says you haven't been setting previous boundaries. You haven't put FEAR into her in such a way that she's scared to ask questions like this. Because of this, it's hard to determine if she's just trying to fvck with your head, or if she's looking for more hardcore leadership from you. Maybe she wants to be spanked... hard!

This girl is your exclusive girlfriend! She is NOT an idiot. She knows what being in an exclusive relationship means.

Today, she told me that she gave her number to a guy the day before she asked me. However, she said she had no interest in going out with him and she told me she wasn't thinking at the time (I know, I know)

Ask yourself: Why is she telling you that? Do you honestly think she's doing it for some honorable reason? lol

She told me she felt like sh!t b/c after she asked me, she felt horrible.

Blah...

This is how I set my boundary:

I told her, "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but I personally don't find that acceptable in a relationship. There is no right or wrong. If you want to give out numbers to guys then let me know right now so I can leave. You didn't know beforehand so it's cool, but the next time you do it then don't expect me to stick around."

This is fine if you can follow it. The problem with 99% of guys is - they self-trap themselves into complete weakness when they say such things.

99% of the time:
Guy: "If you do that thing one more time - im out"
Woman: Does the thing with a sly smile on her face. Tells him about it, but tells him she feels bad about it and can't imagine him not being her boyfriend (she has her fingers crossed the whole time though).
Guy: "Ok... But if you do it again, im leaving!"

^ And the cycle goes on. Are you one of the 1%?

She then called me back within a minute and asked, "If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

hmmmm... i see.... She's trying to figure out if she has a bigger penis than you in this relationship.

I hate to analyze, but was this a red flag?

The red flags were her asking you what to do, and her telling you she went against what you expected.

Would a girl with a high interest level ever even think of putting herself in a position of being let go?

Yes.

A few minutes later she texts, "I'm so sorry, I truly care about you and I know that you don't like it so I won't do it anymore. hearts blah blah..."

I don't think she's saying this because she's worried about losing you. I think she's saying it because she thinks she hurt you.

How did I handle setting my boundary?

You did fine setting the boundary. If you live by your words is another story (and it'll probably get tested soon enough.)

And if your girlfriend messes up for future reference, you should never be so quick to forgive and forget right?

The only lasting solution is fear.

You have to let her simmer and marinade in guilt and fear, or else she won't clearly get the message?

Guilt is meaningless to most women. They are comfortable with that discomfort..... If you can get her to "marinade" in fear though - - - yes, powerful stuff!

I understand the importance of speak without speaking, but isn't it more effective to set your boundary verbally?

Only if she's scared enough of you that she'll take it serious.

You'll find out soon enough how serious she takes you.

 

[GhostWriter]

Thanks for all of the great advice...

I'm definitely a 1% in this case. My former AFC beta self disgusts me. Me having already walked away already from someone that crossed my boundary only gives me the strength to do it again. My previous relationship was 8 months long, I found out she was talking to her ex on vacation. I dumped her right on the spot while we're halfway across the country. I was crazy about her as well.

Desdinova - I think I can agree with you that the word cute may have not been the best retort.

However her asking me, "If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too." ticked me off. Then all of a sudden she's giving me hearts and love. I suppose my intended effect was to let her know that I'm not some chump. I was taking an amused mastery approach. What you're doing I've seen it all before, It's cute...

Merit - As to why she told me this... She could have kept it secret but for some reason she decided to tell me after finding out that I'm not cool with that type of behavior. Lack of boundaries is absolutely right. I'm inexperienced with long term relationships, so I'm still in the learning process.

If she really isn't scared of losing me (which I don't think b/c of that "If I'm not what you're looking for..." question) but only thought so b/c I was hurt, then that's a bad sign.

The last thing I want to appear is weak and sensitive.
I know now to set my boundaries early. It's completely my fault for not doing so in the beginning. As for now I suppose the only thing I can do is wait and see how serious she takes me while doing my thing...

Is there anything I should be doing in the mean time? I plan on working more on myself while giving her less attention now. I'm going to study more, workout more, hang out with the boys, etc... would it be a good idea to distance myself just a bit?

Thanks again for all of your responses.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Thanks for all of the great advice...

I'm definitely a 1% in this case. My former AFC beta self disgusts me. Me having already walked away already from someone that crossed my boundary only gives me the strength to do it again. My previous relationship was 8 months long, I found out she was talking to her ex on vacation. I dumped her right on the spot while we're halfway across the country. I was crazy about her as well.

Good!

Have you mentioned this story to your new girlfriend? This would be a very early in the relationship story i'd be eager to tell her.

Merit - As to why she told me this... She could have kept it secret but for some reason she decided to tell me after finding out that I'm not cool with that type of behavior.

To see how you'd react to it. To see what the consequence would be.

She'd say, "because it was eating me up inside." But that's just nonsense...

If she really isn't scared of losing me (which I don't think b/c of that "If I'm not what you're looking for..." question) but only thought so b/c I was hurt, then that's a bad sign.

It doesn't mean she's not scared of losing you, all women have a fear that the man they're with could leave them; i've seen women who were taking full advantage of a guy quickly turn into a train wreck when he wakes up and dumps her. It's as much about the feminine ego as anything else.

I'm just saying in that instance - it sounds like she's trying to comfort you more than save herself.

I know now to set my boundaries early. It's completely my fault for not doing so in the beginning. As for now I suppose the only thing I can do is wait and see how serious she takes me while doing my thing...

Don't beat yourself up too bad; you seem to be handling things on your own terms; and like i said - as long as you follow through - what you did was fine.

Reality is though: There's not much need to tell a woman things like "you shouldn't give people numbers who seem romantically interested" - - - any person with half a brain will know that when in an exclusive relationship - that's unacceptable. So anytime something like this comes up, there's a motive beneith the surface. There's more to it.... What it is - isn't really known (anyone who claims to know 100% is a fool) but you can bet there's more going on than just an innocent question.

I plan on working more on myself while giving her less attention now. I'm going to study more, workout more, hang out with the boys, etc... would it be a good idea to distance myself just a bit.

You shouldn't just do this stuff as a reaction to her behavior....

You should be doing all that stuff anyway, even when everything is going great!

Women will create drama when they start to get bored. If the relationship is too comfortable for her - it's possible. Doing things that put space between you is always adviseable as it's hard for a woman to get comfort when there's distance.

 

[GhostWriter]

Thanks so much for your post. It has definitely made me feel better.

I know a woman would never admit to anything out of the goodness of their heart. I'm certainly glad that I let her know what the deal is, non-negotiable.

Regardless of how things turn out, I'm glad to have known how to set boundaries. If I start dating another girl, then I have two stories to tell early on in my next relationship.

You're right, I should be doing those things all the time. I was checking the forums right before heading out to the gym.

At first I was going b/c I wanted to keep my mind off things. Now, I'm going because I'm going to get into the best shape of my life.

As far as the pity line, I suppose that's why my innate response to that was, "Cute." Either way, I don't ever want her sympathy or comfort in situations like these.

I'm taking off to become a better man. Thanks again, any other comments or viewpoints are welcome as well.

 

[EFFORT]

How old are you and how old is your gf?

 

[Fumbduck]

There's a post somewhere i've been looking for I read a while ago regarding setting boundaries. The post is about respect, and if laid down early in a relationship, all you need to do is touch on it from time to time. It goes like this:

1. Don't disrespect me
2. Don't aid in other people disrespecting me.

I don't know the exact wordage, maybe someone knows the post i am referring to...

 

[GhostWriter]

I'm 25 and she's 23.

I've laid down some laws before we agreed to become exclusive. However, I assumed stuff like this was just common sense.

I know I know... assuming is dangerous.

Women are so immature It's unreal. I find myself constantly losing respect for them every day.

 

[Rollo Tomassi]

Would a girl with a high interest level ever even think of putting herself in a position of being let go?

No, but a woman who can't figure out how to pursue her hypergamy AND hang on to her comfortable, familiar, but perceptually less exciting boyfriend would.

Don't take that as a flame, but for women with the level of interest and a sense of commitment it would never occur to them to even ask, "Hey, this guy asked for me number what should I say?"

I realize it must give you a sense of satisfaction to think you actual set some kind of boundary for her, but the truth is she crossed it before you even set it. She wants to give her number to other guys because she wants to be open to the possibility of hooking up with them. She can't do this without damaging her self-image because you've been playing by the rules perfectly up to this point, so she's got to manufacture some kind of conflict. Thus she initiates it with this,

"If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

Translation: "Please tell me I'm not what you're looking for so I have a plausible reason to feel good about hooking up with a better prospect."

She's looking for an 'out' brother.

 

[SgtSplacker]

I think she wants attention, maybe shes feeling like your loosing interest in her. Take her out, tell her how much you like her...

 

[GhostWriter]

Hrmm... I understand and thank you for your post Rollo.

I know this situation should have never played out in the first place. But I'm stumped.

She cooks, cleans, calls and texts me every day (initiates) and has never denied sex (4-5 times a week). I have a few attractive female friends that she knows about as well.

If this isn't considered a high interest level then I don't know what is.

However, I'm more than willing to admit that It's my fault for her lack of interest or commitment.

If she is really looking for an out I have no choice but to let her go.
Whether it be my clouded emotional judgment or lack of experience it is hard to stomach.

She just called me and wants to bring lunch over to my house. I'll see if her actions are congruent with the constant lovely texts she's been sending me this morning.

Either way... for those who have had long term relationships, you're telling me stuff like this never happens in a successful LTR? It just seems to me like everything has to be perfect from the get go. If something arises then you can safely conclude she's ready to swing? I can learn to read the signs and red flags but... I'm still not there yet.

I remember when she asked what are we. I responded by saying let's just enjoy our time together and if a relationship materializes and we're gf/bf cool, if not then that's okay too. Her response was, "I don't a bf." This was her self defense mechanism b/c the way I responded to her question.

It turns out she really did want me to be her bf, and later told me she only said that in defense to what I said. This was after she hinted that she would call me her bf when someone asked if we were a couple.

I hope to goodness that I'm not rationalizing but... maybe this could also be a self defense mechanism? Her response to me telling her she what my standards for a gf are?

I'll see what happens today if/when she comes over. Thanks guys.

 

[GhostWriter]

I think she wants attention, maybe shes feeling like your loosing interest in her. Take her out, tell her how much you like her...

As much as I would like to, what she did was bad behavior. I can't reward her for that.

 

[perseverance]

You need to learn how to stop overanalysing things. You've set your boundary, that should be more than enough. Don't punish her with petty games and don't treat her like a dog i.e. rewards etc. She's a human. Just let the relationship ride on and see what happens. If she carries on disrespecting the relationship, or you then eject her and walk away.

 

[Aaron B]

"If I'm not what you're looking for, then let me know now too."

"You'll know."

 

[Trump]

I almost always use the speak without speaking method, however today I did not. We've been exclusive for 5 months and dated about 2 months prior.

Last week she asked me, "Hey, this guy asked for me number what should I say?"

I asked her, "Would you like it if I gave my number to women that asked me?"
She responded with no.
So I said, "Okay then, there's your answer."

You reacted to her. Never react to what a girl says, you'll never win. Giving ultimatums, spelling it out for her bold, raising your voice, that bs don't work with girls. Having her feel that other girls will want you if she doesn't respect you, that will put her in place more than anything you say.

Remember, girls aren't logical creatures, you can't reason with them. They are emotional and go with what feels right.

 

[Aaron B]

You reacted to her. Never react to what a girl says, you'll never win. Giving ultimatums, spelling it out for her bold, raising your voice, that bs don't work with girls. Having her feel that other girls will want you if she doesn't respect you, that will put her in place more than anything you say.

Remember, girls aren't logical creatures, you can't reason with them. They are emotional and go with what feels right.

^ wisdom

"its not about how she reacts, its about how you react to her reaction"

 

[handle]

If my girlfriend gave out her number we'd probably just have a laugh about it later. I give out my number all the time too, whatever.