seriousness, heavy moods

[Technical1]

I know seriousness is a bad thing when youre meeting people, you have to be in-state and lighthearted, (right?) at least when approaching. This is also how I do it, the question really pertains to social situations generally.

Over the last few years I have really tried to downplay my seriousness. then I read on this website that being kind of withdrawn, silent strong-guy type thing is an Alpha male trait, that it is theoretically something good. Where do you guys draw the line in your own lives? If I go by nature alone, I occasionally get into 'serious' mode, where people look at me and I have some expression that makes them think "I dont want to mess with him." I can tell because I know the feeling I have, its a cool deep feeling, and I see sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. For me its not about intimidating people, its just I have some "heavy" thoughts.

Over the last years Ive built up a fake edifice of smiley, happy nice-guyness, because I was afraid of scaring people with my sternness. I dance around and ask questions. But I'm not congruent. I dont really care about the fluffy I-wanna-be-friends-with-everyone socializing I do. People notice this, and it hollows me out on the inside taking the burden of other people's thoughts upon myself (destroys your state, referencing reality externally).

Better to occasionally intimidate people than to live a lie, or not? What do you think?

 

[MacAvoy]

In the interim, YES. If you keep doing it long enough it will become natural. Its just like confidence, if you don't have it, people say to fake it, then you'll achieve some success and it will eventually become a part of you (Confidence). Same thing with your situation.

 

[BDude004]

I am struggling with the same problem. Well, not really struggling, but I know what you mean. For me it's been kinda hit or miss. With some women it sparks mystery, with some it sparks boredom.

I've found a lot of the time though, the mystery attracts women who are confident and have their life together (who I'm much more attracted to than the LSE party girls). I've even had some come up and open ME, trying to figure out what's going through my head, then try and bring me out of my so called "shell". It sort of works as a qualifier for me.

 

[mutambo]

Think it also depends on how you look and portray, dress ie. yourself.

 

[selfmademob]

I know seriousness is a bad thing when youre meeting people, you have to be in-state and lighthearted, (right?) at least when approaching. This is also how I do it, the question really pertains to social situations generally.

Over the last few years I have really tried to downplay my seriousness. then I read on this website that being kind of withdrawn, silent strong-guy type thing is an Alpha male trait, that it is theoretically something good. Where do you guys draw the line in your own lives? If I go by nature alone, I occasionally get into 'serious' mode, where people look at me and I have some expression that makes them think "I dont want to mess with him." I can tell because I know the feeling I have, its a cool deep feeling, and I see sometimes it makes people uncomfortable. For me its not about intimidating people, its just I have some "heavy" thoughts.

Over the last years Ive built up a fake edifice of smiley, happy nice-guyness, because I was afraid of scaring people with my sternness. I dance around and ask questions. But I'm not congruent. I dont really care about the fluffy I-wanna-be-friends-with-everyone socializing I do. People notice this, and it hollows me out on the inside taking the burden of other people's thoughts upon myself (destroys your state, referencing reality externally).

Better to occasionally intimidate people than to live a lie, or not? What do you think?

I think you are really a woman and are just having a period. check for blood residue.

 

[Technical1]

I've found a lot of the time though, the mystery attracts women who are confident and have their life together (who I'm much more attracted to than the LSE party girls). I've even had some come up and open ME, trying to figure out what's going through my head, then try and bring me out of my so called "shell". It sort of works as a qualifier for me.

Thats good to hear, I think it can work as a filter/qualifier too.

 

[everywomanshero]

1. I know seriousness is a bad thing when youre meeting people, you have to be in-state and lighthearted,

2. Over the last few years I have really tried to downplay my seriousness. then I read on this website that being kind of withdrawn, silent strong-guy type thing is an Alpha male trait, that it is theoretically something good.

3. I dance around and ask questions. But I'm not congruent. I dont really care about the fluffy I-wanna-be-friends-with-everyone socializing I do. People

?

1. In state means feeling alive, like you're read to give a big speech. It's the equivolent of a track star being ready to run for a socializer. However you get into state doesn't really matter, but for nightclubs I think it's especially important. You don't want to bust into the local bookstore like a motivation speaker on crack, though.

2. Generally, I've found women interpret guys who don't talk as kind of socially backwards and unattractive. It just depends, but from the mere standpoint of female attraction, I think you're 1000 times better off being social than a wallflower.

3. There's a fine line between being a social, cool guy and being airy-fairy, prancing guy.

Honestly if you're feeling kind of awkward being social, you probably need to practice it more consistently. It should become natural over time, but if it's too slow going or painful, you might want to consider some professional counseling to find out what's holding you back.

I can offer the folowing advice:

1) People tend to reciprocate whatever is thrown at them. If you come across as unfriendly and stoic, most people will treat you in kind. If you're social, most people will be social in return. Suspend any attempts to act stoic, rugged, or a "deep thinker". Though these things might be interesting, I think until one gets basic social skills down those are best left to the past.

2) Halo effect: When people decide you're fun to talk to, they will beging to ascribe other positive traits to you as well. If they decide you're awkward, then they will begin to ascribe other negative traits to you. This is just how the human mind tends to assign values. Use it to your advantage.

3) Self-fuffiling prophecy: How we think things will happen causes us to make small micro-calibratons & interpretations that actually cause the end result to match what we anticipated. It may take some effort at first, but I recommend visualizing oneself as being successful in a social situation that one might soon encounter everyday. This effect will occur regardless, so why not use it to one's advantage.

Putting on a facade of PUA is not the answer, IMO, but instead fixing the root problem of mistaken beliefs is the first step.

 

[Technical1]

...........
3) Self-fuffiling prophecy: How we think things will happen causes us to make small micro-calibratons & interpretations that actually cause the end result to match what we anticipated. It may take some effort at first, but I recommend visualizing oneself as being successful in a social situation that one might soon encounter everyday. This effect will occur regardless, so why not use it to one's advantage.

Putting on a facade of PUA is not the answer, IMO, but instead fixing the root problem of mistaken beliefs is the first step.

thanks for that, that fills in the missing stuff.