Serg's self improvement journal.

[Serg897]

I’ve been thinking about starting some sort of log here for a little while now – its been a time of heavy introspection and self-reflection lately in my life. I think that if I outline some goals here where people can see them I will be more motivated to actually come through with them. I’ve been battling a pseudo-depressed state lately – some days I feel content with how everything is going, others I feel like garbage.

This state of mind was triggered, or more accurately brought to the forefront, by the oneitis experience I had a few months ago. This 22 year old hottie who I perceived as a nearly perfect girl blew me away with mindblowing sex for several weeks, then disappeared out of the blue, probably because I was acting like an AFC and she found another guy she liked better. Its taken me a while to recover from this and I've posted about it several times.

I like to think it wasn’t just the sex – she had other great qualities, was a very confident girl with a good head on her shoulders and a pursuing a great career, but part of me is starting to realize that the sex was a major component in my infatuation. Regardless, I put her on a pedestal and it cost me dearly. Moreover I think it revealed some problems in my psyche that I need to address. She should NOT have acquired that much importance in my mind, especially after only a month of dating - shouldnt matter how hawt a girl is.

In the months since I’ve ended up dropping several other plates who I just wasn’t into that much. One friends-with-benefits I had been consistently seeing for eight months prior started to resent me after in a moment of weakness I hinted that I might want to be exclusive with her (knowing that I could easily get it), then backed out of it, causing the entire relationship to be poisoned. I knew this was going to end sooner or later – this might be the time it does. I also just stopped calling two women that I could have gotten more sexual release from, but just wasn’t feeling it all that much.

So, now I have a clean slate, and not really seeing anyone. Nonetheless there are always a few prospects and I’ll be updating about them as time goes by if anything happens. I’ve been trying to concentrate more on my career and my hobbies the past few weeks. I’m a graduate student, and one of my long-term goals is to get enough data for a first author paper by the end of this year.

Another one of the main things I need to work on is battling my masturbation addiction. I do it at least once, often twice a day. I know that this certainly has an effect on my neurochemistry and my state of mind, so I’m seriously trying to get this bad habit under control. It is difficult since I live by myself and the temptation is around pretty often. Mentioning it here, hopefully, will help me to stop.

Thanks to anyone who reads - I really appreciate comments.

 

[ArcBound]

Good stuff I'm subscribed. You have the willpower to stop, I believe in you!

 

[Serg897]

So as I mentioned, I have recently dropped many of the plates I was seeing that I wasnt very much into, and the past few weeks I've simply been trying to rebuild and find new women. The past week in particular hasnt been very good since I've been skipping out on my usual social scenes thanks to work and other things.

Nonetheless, I've been setting my aims high and only going after women who I have a clear strong physical attraction to. I really don't want to settle anymore and I will maintain my standards.

Last night I was out at a salsa event - Im kicking myself a bit for not number closing this one stunning girl that was there - there just weren't that many opportunities to isolate and close, since she is one of those that is constantly getting male attention and is out on the dance floor a lot. Her dancing skill is fantastic and the 2 or 3 times we danced were all great. Reminded me of my last oneitis, this was exactly the situation with her. Perhaps I'll get another chance another time. I did get another number there, however - she was warm and receptive.

I had a lunch date scheduled for today with another girl. She actually contacted me last week after I got a number, contacted her, but ended up not scheduling a proper date back in December. Since then she has been a team player and receptive, even though last week we had a date scheduled that we both ended up not being able to make - but then she cancels our lunch last minute this morning!

She texts me: "Hey I really hate to do this but Im going to have to reschedule for lunch "
Me - "aw, thats very unfortunate - may I ask why?"
Her - "had to go home yesterday, have to pick up my sister from confirmation, blah blah blah - will you be at (usual tuesday hangout) Tuesday?"
Me - "Yes - Here is an alternative you might like - meet at the same place beforehand and walk over" (the place we were going to eat is across the street, so Im just suggesting an alternative that might work that night)
Her - "That would be a good plan but I have to come late that night"
Me - "You're a tough cookie . I'll just see you there then"
Her - "haha ok. Sorry again"
Me - "Its not a problem. We will get some good dances in"
Her - "Agreed "

So who knows. This one might end up going nowhere, but we'll see how it goes when I do see her on Tuesday. This is already the second time I've tried to get a date with her so it may appear needy to try a third time.

Lastly, I have another date scheduled for tommorow night. Its a second date and the first was two weeks ago, in which I kissed closed. This one tends to be more aloof and flaky, and always takes a long time to get back to me (but always does, eventually). Its going to be another dinner/dancing date. We will see how that one goes - I will prob try to escalate.

 

[Serg897]

2nd Date last night with this girl went very well - lots of chemistry, good conversation, and kino. She clearly had a lot of fun. Alluded to dates in the future. Yet, once again, she did not allow me to escalate past the kiss - all she said was "I don't move as fast as you do".

Partially frustrating, and yet I've moved straight to ****ing on dates #1 or #2 on many occasions and those relationships haven't worked out for one reason or another. Maybe a girl that will make me wait is a good thing, or at least a new experiment to try.

In fact, if you read Pooks last post on Anti-Dumps machine, he says this:

If you’ve noticed, Anti-Dump pushes sex far far back from his filtering process. From my own experience, there is good reason for this. The purpose of the Machine is to find a girl who likes you for you. The problem with sex is that it confuses the women, and she thinks that you two are really ‘bonding’ with sex when in fact you aren’t. You can easily get a woman into a relationship with you by going heavy on the eroticism, but does she really like you or not?

Who knows, but definitely a point of view worth considering.

The past few days I've also been doing well controlling my addiction, work is going well, and I have a few new prospects lined up. Life seems to be good at the moment.

 

[Serg897]

Went out last night and ran into my last oneitis, after not seeing or speaking to her for over two months besides the exchange of a few emails. It was a brief and polite interaction, and I didn't speak to her for more than a few minutes.

This venue on Tuesdays is where I met her, and I knew eventually I would run into her again there. Her presence there fvkced with my head - its clear that Im still not completely over her. Despite having many friends with me there I felt the need to skip out early, I just wasnt having the best time. It also wasnt the best night ratio-wise --- guys definately outnumbered girls.

Still, felt sh!tty this morning about skipping out early and leaving some friends I had there. I just hate when one person has the power to influence my mood like that. I would really like to move on completely.

 

[Serg897]

Seduced a milf last night - a single mom who I see pretty often the places I go. She has a very nice body. Last month there was an incident where I upped the sexual tension, and ever since then she has been giving me all sorts of attention. I finally gave her what she wanted last night.

It was fun, but in the end, Im not sure if the random sex is doing it for me. Its not fulfilling afterwards - it still leaves you deficient if you have other problems.

Namely, I saw my last oneitis once again last night at the same place. She was looking absolutely stunning by my standards. This environment was harder for me to ignore her without being obvious, so I decided to cut the act and I actually approached her when she made eye contact and spoke to her/asked her to dance. It was a really friendly interaction - at one point she went up to me to asked me to dance as well. But thats all it was - friendly. Platonic.

At least we are on good terms, but it still hurts to see her, especially looking as gorgeous as she was last night. Im sure every other guy at the place wanted to bang her - but last night there were many newbies without the confidence to ask her to dance. Im thankful that at least I got to fvck her brains out at one point.

At this point all I have to do is exercise self control, treat her at best as a casual acquiantence, continue to milk this for the lessons and simply move on. Its all I can do.

There are several other prospects in tow at the moment - I'll mention them as things happen.

I went four days last week without masturbating already noticed a difference. When you control your sex addiction one has more energy, confidence, etc. It might be psychological but it was working for me. Since then though its been back to the old ways. I must get there again.

 

[Serg897]

Reviving this - one of those nights where I feel like talking to strangers on the internet, I suppose.

I still have my weak moments when it comes to thinking about this former oneitis. I just have to constantly put it into perspective and keep my mentality in check. That this is still going on is pretty absurd, but it is what it is. I know the trigger is the knowledge that Im going to see her again on Saturday night at a special event. I have no delusional fantasies about reconciliation - I just wish I could stop thinking about her. The only cure is time.

There is also another woman currently in my life that Im thinking much about. I have been dating her for a year, most of that time just as a casual thing. She has always been there for me, always supported me, always done exactly what a devoted woman would do. And all this time her efforts have been met on my end by nothing but indifference, seeing other women, etc - problably because her looks are mainly average. She can look very good if she puts in the effort, however there are days when she doesnt and its the opposite.

The fact that she is still around is testament to how much she actually likes me, though, and lately I've been rewarding her very much by spending a lot of time with her.

Many other plates and prospects have fallen through the cracks as I've been busy with my work and hobbies. Things are going well when it comes to my work, and this is a very positive thing for me to try to focus on.

The main thing that needs to be addressed is discipline. Several goals Im working on:

1.) Stop clinging to negative thought patterns. I really want to stop reliving that horrible oneitis experience in my mind, reminding myself to have self-worth and that any woman that doesnt return my affections isnt one to be invested in. Similarly, working on enjoying spending time with a woman that DOES return my affections.

2.) Curbing bad habits - drinking too much, smoking weed (gonna eliminate this all-together), and masturbating.

3.) Trying to focus more on my career these days over women. The faster I get data, the faster I can graduate, and the faster I can move on to a different city and experience more of what this world has to offer.

4.) Teaching myself how to cook. This is a great one as its an area that's been lacking my whole life. Sunday night I cooked some Indian food, (sauce premade, but its a start) and it came out ****ing great. Must experiment some more in this regard.

5.) Continuing to go to the gym and make progress. Swam a mile in the pool the other day - done this several times and its getting easier. I have a good female friend that I run with some mornings, and we always do around 4-5 miles. Then there is always lifting, and I find I've been able to do more on weights than before. Always pushing myself to new limits with this.

 

[Serg897]

I decided to make moves on a girl at work this week. Usually this is a risky maneuver as bad things could happen – “don’t **** where you eat” as the saying goes. But two things convinced me to try anyway:

1.) She is a temporary student only here for a few more months before she moves on to a nearby university
2.) She is exceptionally attractive – Russian girl with a gorgeous face and great body. Problably a 9.5.

I got her number one Friday afternoon about a month ago, and since then there has been sporadic contact via text and at work, always initiated by me, to try to get her to come out with me. I’ve found myself being more persistent than usual, yet never overbearingly so – hard to resist that face. Last night I finally succeeded in getting her to come out with me to one of my favorite dancing venues.

It was a lot of fun. I gave her a little dancing lesson, and in return she willingly bought me a drink. I also bought her a shot. Because this girl is so attractive, there was a sea of other guys trying to hit on her that I had to deal with about 2/3rds of the time I was there. Yet she actually focused most of her attention on me, and sometimes when there were 2 guys surrounding her made sure to make me part of the conversation when I wasn’t off elsewhere. She also at one point rested her head on my shoulder, signaling to the other dudes that she was with me. All good things.

Unfortunately, it seems in the end it was all for show – we left together and I start walking her back to her place, tried to kiss her, and she denies me quite strongly. After this happens I just laugh it off and head back off in the other direction, where my car is, and don’t even finish walking her back. This is where I wonder if I did the right thing, but on the other hand I don’t want to waste time on a girl that isn’t interested. Its too bad since I'm very attracted to her – definitely raised my social proof among the others at this venue to see me with her, at least.

Any thoughts are appreciated.

 

[Gro0ver]

Yo Serg, your style of writing/gaming reminds me of me! I also hit up the salsa classes and have a lot of success there. They love a dude who can take control.

Regarding the Russian girl, you did good in my eyes. The saying "fortune favours the bold" applies here - you weren't shy, you went for the prize. You gave her a fun night (I also like teaching girls to dance with me, some of them follow really well and pick it up very quickly without you really teaching them much. Others are hopeless lol).

You went for the kiss at the end of the night which any good man should. She declined, her loss. Move on to the next and be proud of the progress you have made. You are a high calibur dude.

Regarding the oneitis - the problem is that you keep seeing her, and to make it worse it's when she's looking her best. If you had NC this wouldn't be an issue. You either continue with the current relapses or try to find a different dance event if possible. A tricky one.

A side note - have you tried doing much solo dance? I started breakdancing 2 years ago and this has now become my main hobby and something i aspire to be really good at. There's loads of different types you could try (locking, popping, breaking, hiphop freestyle, MJ style, jerking, krumping....to name a few). Dancing with a girl is fun as well in a different way, but there's nothing being the centre of attention and showing the crowd your energy, positivity & flow. To inspire people and show them something they've never seen before is really a great feeling.

Looking forward to the next instalment dude.

 

[Serg897]

Thanks for the good reply man.

Im aware that sticking around in the same places where my oneitis hangs out has given me relapses. But Im not going to give up one of my favorite hobbies just to avoid to her. That has been my choice. I kinda wish she had been there last night - having her see me out with this stunning brunette who is arguably even better looking than she is would have given me satisfaction, even though it should be irrelevant.

A side note - have you tried doing much solo dance? I started breakdancing 2 years ago and this has now become my main hobby and something i aspire to be really good at. There's loads of different types you could try (locking, popping, breaking, hiphop freestyle, MJ style, jerking, krumping....to name a few). Dancing with a girl is fun as well in a different way, but there's nothing being the centre of attention and showing the crowd your energy, positivity & flow. To inspire people and show them something they've never seen before is really a great feeling.

In the six years or so that I've been dancing, its always been partner dancing. Mostly salsa, a dance that I love to do very much. Its possible to do solo-shines in Salsa and I can do several, but its a small part of my dancing. I am always open to trying other forms of dancing though and it sounds like a good idea - if you have suggestions on how to get started let me know.

 

[oxford comma]

when i was into breakdancing i went on bboy.org and www.bboyworld.com a lot. im sure those are still around and great for tips.

 

[Gro0ver]

I'd go with what your favourite music is and learn to dance to that, at the end of the day it's the music that will keep you inspired to keep learning and practising and enjoying it. It's also the music that will make it impossible not to start moving and expressing yourself when it comes on in a club.

Find some vids on youtube and if you like the look of it then go hit up some local classes and online tutorials.

In terms of self-development and building something that is entirely personal and has your own mark on it, this is it for me. You don't get much more personal and individual then a freestyle solo dance.

when i was into breakdancing i went on bboy.org and www.bboyworld.com a lot. im sure those are still around and great for tips.

Yeah bboy.org is a nice community. You should get back into it man, even just toprocking is ridiculously fun :woo:

 

[Gro0ver]

Serg, where's the update?

 

[Serg897]

Haha - thanks for checking in Go0ver.

I haven't updated that much because I haven't felt there is much to update about. My mindset has just been different lately. I spent all of 2010 and 2011 making an active effort to meet women, get phone numbers, call and go on dates, and eventually bring them back to my bedroom - and I got many lays and short relationships this way. This year has just been different.

Before when I saw a beautiful woman I would see someone I definitely wanted to meet and put effort into, now when I see one I see someone that is more than likely not worth the trouble. I'm not sure this is a healthy mindset in the long-run but for now I think its fine.

Im also seeing someone pretty regularly. This girl has been around since last year and has always been there for me - sweet, loving, and loyal. I've mentioned her before in this thread. She has been nothing but good to me since last year, while for most of that time I was seeing other women behind her back. I'm giving her back what she has given me now.

However she is moving away to another city to take a new job she accepted 5-6 hours away, in the fall. A significant part of me welcomes this change since I'm uncertain if I see myself with her long term. Im not sure what the future of this particular relationship is, but part of me wants to get back into the dating game eventually.

I've also been concentrating on my career and making good progress. Got several presentations coming up, including one in Europe in less than a month. I want to do the very best job I can at these meetings and make connections with others in my field.

In short, things are a bit different now and I'm sorta trying to figure out who I am as an individual besides just someone who mindlessly chases women in his spare time.