GetBetter
Don Juan
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2013
- Messages
- 164
- Reaction score
- 11
I promised myself I would change myself but... years have passed and I haven't made it the way I want it to. And just like before, although a little less still submerged into depression. Well here's another post. Why do I post only when I am sad or frustrated and stuff? Anyway... I would be glad if you read this and comment.
Pretty sad and depressed for past few weeks now. Started taking help of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, but I do feel it's not helping me that much. It definitely is clarifying a lot of things for me, giving me perspective and making me see things that I didn't see before. But I am just ****ing angry right now! Who the **** is the reason!? I am a bad bad person man... I play games on my own girlfriend with whom I am in a long distance relationship. I know it doesnt work and I should end it, but **** I am waiting so she dumps me and I get to make myself believe things that I have been saying to myself - about how inappropriate I am, boring I am and ****...I want to play the victim. Nice going.
My life is improving for sure but I am so unsatisfied - especially in the departments of love and friendships; Social arena in general. How can I be this bad? How? How can I be this boring? No! Do negate this but accept this one for now...When me and Aryan were sitting at Chai Bar, he got so bored and every two minutes he asked where to go next and how bored he was getting. Same with Aidi. She enjoys company of Aryan a lot more and would rather prefer him over me. Any girl or guy would really; he is more fun. I don't know...He bores the **** out of me. He has his moments though but again who am I to complain? I do have other friends but with them too I have same problem - I am constantly worried if they will get bored, and oh man oh man! They have been my friends since 11th grade. I feel like I am a very boring company. Should be true afterall I say things that I don't know why I say; mostly just for the sake of saying something. I am supposed to say things that amuse me, but surprisingly I have no idea what makes me laugh. I guess reading too much about self help and always thinking of those things does take a toll. Variety!
On a positive note, I can talk now, unlike before(I think so). Soon I shall learn the art of making others cry of laughter; the graph is going up overall, yeah? But seriously, today I lost all my confidence to game... My game already is pretty bad because I can't talk and with the ones I do, I lose them pretty fast because I bore the **** out of them or don't give a ****. Despite my attempts to game Aidi, I failed miserably. I almost kissed her but she backed off saying that everytime she wants to do it someone walks in and she can't do it(self fulfilling prophecy). I have seen how Aryan games. She did game Saloni too and yeah he can do it. I was depressed about it but now that I think of it, I do as good as him if not better. Anyway, I walk the walk and show arrogance which exists mostly to hide my inability to talk to people. I just become arrogant and go in a corner and bury myself into work. Number one formula for bad relationships. Why am I like this? Why can't I be just fun, cheerful and jolly? Have some amazing people around me who share same with me. People with whom I connect with and enjoy with; that's what I want. Even Yash told me that I need to develop humour a lot when I shared all my insecurities and how much I have to grow as an interesting person. He shared his too. He think he isn't funny and can't talk to strangers. I guess everyone considers their insecurities and their stories the most important. I magnify everything, that I am slowly learning.
Sometimes I feel like I need a big brotherly or motherly figure who would come to me and say,"It's okay GetBetter. It's fine! I love you no matter what. You are perfect. Relax a little. I love you!" Haha this sounds gayish and funny now that I type it.
I had taken a break from Pickup and started going again 3 days ago but today I didn't as I crumbled - If not even my friends are enjoying my company, how would the girls? It's quite contradictory to the results I have had but I guess anyone would have gotten them if had they done it for as long as I have. Might have gotten even better results. Another reason why I fall in love so easily - constant feeling of inadequacy and negativity, insecurity and everything bad. I have fallen again, this time for Saloni. It's so shameful how I do not call her or give proper attention to her now despite my immense feelings for her(or the image of her in my mind). After the breakup I feel the need to play games on her even more and with every other girl. I used to do the same with Sarah and now I regret everything. Had I been more open and expressed more how much I loved her, we both(me especially) would have worked even more on relationship to make it an amazing relationship. I should go back read the pages where to actually see how I was with her. Fresh new perspective I would see with. I am afraid that I can not say how much I want her, love her and want to improve her, be with her to Saloni, not after the breakup-patchup atleast. I shouldn't to any girl ever I think. Nobody wants to hear that! Instead I think better would be to come up with ways to express them with actions. Long Distance though and my want to break up and patch up again once I am back in Ahmedabad. I just want to love someone without being scared that it might never be reciprocated, made fun of, considered a chode move but just be received. I am not brave enough to do that nor stable enough. However, Pickup does take me down that road sometimes.
Anyway, I have been working for a company called Mobigraph as an Animator. They have been absolutely loving my work because that's how amazing I am! The latest animation I sent blew the Director's mind and he instantly called me to say how much he adored me and started talking about my full time job, etcetera etcetera. He doesn't want to lose me, that is for sure. I told mom and she instantly replied that yes, I deserve a lot more money and stuff. Obviously I do! These animations take a lot of work and the quality I am producing is pretty amazing too. I wasn't interested in Job so I made an excuse of college. He wanted me to sign a 6 month contract asap and I really don't want to get into that! 6 months is a long time. Hmm...What if it turns out great? This is an opportunity to run out of Indore. am cringing a little thinking of all the ways I might actually end up in Indore, just the way Mom predicted! Oh god, pleae do no do that to me!
Haha, I am such a nice guy talking of love and ****! That's not how things happen in real life. No love and nothing, just good time spend with people. One lesson that I have learned is that(I think) it's better to break a relation - with a friend or lover - as soon as you think it's going to go downhill, instead of just letting it rot and turn every good memory that you guys had into a bitter one. Makes sense? This is gold! As far as Saloni is concerned I do not think it's supposed to end like this! She might to with another guy but ****! We'll hit it off again real good! So much passion and fun we will have! It will be unbelievable and she will never have it ever again just the way she'll have it with me! That for sure is going to happen! On the other hand I have this feeling that she'll tag this as the worst relationship ever and never wants to see my face ever again. Both will happen. Second, most likely.
I should pickup drawing again more seriously, keep myself busy and become a man of value. I have to be a great man becaue this world is not for mediocre people. I need to be full package, anything less is well...not good. If artists worse than me can become great, so can I! I have no idea why but it has become more of a hobby for me which is very bad! Focusing too much on girls and game because I had this epiphany that without tight game, a girl can leave you whenever she likes! Sigh. Funny how a guy like me who didn't give much **** about girls has turned out like this. Being like that didn't get me results but being like this does every now and then. I can get more I think if I approach a lot of girls instead of just approaching 2-3 a week. Somehow, I feel like I am on correct path, path to greatness and soon if I work harder, I shall be this super amazing person. I should I rest? Well I think it's time to burn out!
Drawing, Relationships, Money!
Here I come!
Help me God! Strengthen me! Keep on right path and help me always for I am just a child who is weak and needs hands to walk through this life.
Ciao!
Pretty sad and depressed for past few weeks now. Started taking help of Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, but I do feel it's not helping me that much. It definitely is clarifying a lot of things for me, giving me perspective and making me see things that I didn't see before. But I am just ****ing angry right now! Who the **** is the reason!? I am a bad bad person man... I play games on my own girlfriend with whom I am in a long distance relationship. I know it doesnt work and I should end it, but **** I am waiting so she dumps me and I get to make myself believe things that I have been saying to myself - about how inappropriate I am, boring I am and ****...I want to play the victim. Nice going.
My life is improving for sure but I am so unsatisfied - especially in the departments of love and friendships; Social arena in general. How can I be this bad? How? How can I be this boring? No! Do negate this but accept this one for now...When me and Aryan were sitting at Chai Bar, he got so bored and every two minutes he asked where to go next and how bored he was getting. Same with Aidi. She enjoys company of Aryan a lot more and would rather prefer him over me. Any girl or guy would really; he is more fun. I don't know...He bores the **** out of me. He has his moments though but again who am I to complain? I do have other friends but with them too I have same problem - I am constantly worried if they will get bored, and oh man oh man! They have been my friends since 11th grade. I feel like I am a very boring company. Should be true afterall I say things that I don't know why I say; mostly just for the sake of saying something. I am supposed to say things that amuse me, but surprisingly I have no idea what makes me laugh. I guess reading too much about self help and always thinking of those things does take a toll. Variety!
On a positive note, I can talk now, unlike before(I think so). Soon I shall learn the art of making others cry of laughter; the graph is going up overall, yeah? But seriously, today I lost all my confidence to game... My game already is pretty bad because I can't talk and with the ones I do, I lose them pretty fast because I bore the **** out of them or don't give a ****. Despite my attempts to game Aidi, I failed miserably. I almost kissed her but she backed off saying that everytime she wants to do it someone walks in and she can't do it(self fulfilling prophecy). I have seen how Aryan games. She did game Saloni too and yeah he can do it. I was depressed about it but now that I think of it, I do as good as him if not better. Anyway, I walk the walk and show arrogance which exists mostly to hide my inability to talk to people. I just become arrogant and go in a corner and bury myself into work. Number one formula for bad relationships. Why am I like this? Why can't I be just fun, cheerful and jolly? Have some amazing people around me who share same with me. People with whom I connect with and enjoy with; that's what I want. Even Yash told me that I need to develop humour a lot when I shared all my insecurities and how much I have to grow as an interesting person. He shared his too. He think he isn't funny and can't talk to strangers. I guess everyone considers their insecurities and their stories the most important. I magnify everything, that I am slowly learning.
Sometimes I feel like I need a big brotherly or motherly figure who would come to me and say,"It's okay GetBetter. It's fine! I love you no matter what. You are perfect. Relax a little. I love you!" Haha this sounds gayish and funny now that I type it.
I had taken a break from Pickup and started going again 3 days ago but today I didn't as I crumbled - If not even my friends are enjoying my company, how would the girls? It's quite contradictory to the results I have had but I guess anyone would have gotten them if had they done it for as long as I have. Might have gotten even better results. Another reason why I fall in love so easily - constant feeling of inadequacy and negativity, insecurity and everything bad. I have fallen again, this time for Saloni. It's so shameful how I do not call her or give proper attention to her now despite my immense feelings for her(or the image of her in my mind). After the breakup I feel the need to play games on her even more and with every other girl. I used to do the same with Sarah and now I regret everything. Had I been more open and expressed more how much I loved her, we both(me especially) would have worked even more on relationship to make it an amazing relationship. I should go back read the pages where to actually see how I was with her. Fresh new perspective I would see with. I am afraid that I can not say how much I want her, love her and want to improve her, be with her to Saloni, not after the breakup-patchup atleast. I shouldn't to any girl ever I think. Nobody wants to hear that! Instead I think better would be to come up with ways to express them with actions. Long Distance though and my want to break up and patch up again once I am back in Ahmedabad. I just want to love someone without being scared that it might never be reciprocated, made fun of, considered a chode move but just be received. I am not brave enough to do that nor stable enough. However, Pickup does take me down that road sometimes.
Anyway, I have been working for a company called Mobigraph as an Animator. They have been absolutely loving my work because that's how amazing I am! The latest animation I sent blew the Director's mind and he instantly called me to say how much he adored me and started talking about my full time job, etcetera etcetera. He doesn't want to lose me, that is for sure. I told mom and she instantly replied that yes, I deserve a lot more money and stuff. Obviously I do! These animations take a lot of work and the quality I am producing is pretty amazing too. I wasn't interested in Job so I made an excuse of college. He wanted me to sign a 6 month contract asap and I really don't want to get into that! 6 months is a long time. Hmm...What if it turns out great? This is an opportunity to run out of Indore. am cringing a little thinking of all the ways I might actually end up in Indore, just the way Mom predicted! Oh god, pleae do no do that to me!
Haha, I am such a nice guy talking of love and ****! That's not how things happen in real life. No love and nothing, just good time spend with people. One lesson that I have learned is that(I think) it's better to break a relation - with a friend or lover - as soon as you think it's going to go downhill, instead of just letting it rot and turn every good memory that you guys had into a bitter one. Makes sense? This is gold! As far as Saloni is concerned I do not think it's supposed to end like this! She might to with another guy but ****! We'll hit it off again real good! So much passion and fun we will have! It will be unbelievable and she will never have it ever again just the way she'll have it with me! That for sure is going to happen! On the other hand I have this feeling that she'll tag this as the worst relationship ever and never wants to see my face ever again. Both will happen. Second, most likely.
I should pickup drawing again more seriously, keep myself busy and become a man of value. I have to be a great man becaue this world is not for mediocre people. I need to be full package, anything less is well...not good. If artists worse than me can become great, so can I! I have no idea why but it has become more of a hobby for me which is very bad! Focusing too much on girls and game because I had this epiphany that without tight game, a girl can leave you whenever she likes! Sigh. Funny how a guy like me who didn't give much **** about girls has turned out like this. Being like that didn't get me results but being like this does every now and then. I can get more I think if I approach a lot of girls instead of just approaching 2-3 a week. Somehow, I feel like I am on correct path, path to greatness and soon if I work harder, I shall be this super amazing person. I should I rest? Well I think it's time to burn out!
Drawing, Relationships, Money!
Here I come!
Help me God! Strengthen me! Keep on right path and help me always for I am just a child who is weak and needs hands to walk through this life.
Ciao!
