Self-Esteem: The dark side of it

[everywomanshero]

What is self-esteem anyway? It's the difference between your ideal self and your percieved self.

On forums such as this one we often talk about people needing "higher self-esteem". I think higher self-esteem isn't always the answer. Here's why:

Increased aggression: This is associated with really high self esteem. Trying to maintain SE can lead people to misperceive things as threats to SE and be on edge.

Self-Handicapping: Basically like when someone uses "I only pull hot, rich chix who speak at least 12 languages" as an excuse why he can never pull. He picks girls he doesn't think he can score with to protect his self-esteem. The attempt to maintain self-esteem actually causes an increase in failure.

Early sexual cotact: Associated with much higher than normal self-esteem is increased sexual contact at young ages. Hey, this isn't such a terrible thing.. got me there =)

Actor-Observer: Blame situation for your failure, blame personal traits for other peoples' failures. Use personal traits for your success, use situational factors for other people's successes. In the extreme, this is very transparent. Can be useful for frame control.

Basking in Reflected Glory: Try to associate with people who we perceive as impressive. Can sound braggart if taken too far. This one and the next are most often used after a threat to self-esteem have been made.

CORFING: Cutting off reflected values of negative associations. Usually a good thing, but when you go as far as to lie it can come back later.

High SE can cause us to use downward social comparisons.. "at least Im better off than the homeless guy".. again might be useful for someone who is down and out for frame control but...

Upward social comparisons are used for self-improvement... one day I'll pimp mad game like <NAME YOUR GURU> one day.

Maybe it's best to take a really, really deep breath, relax, and be more humble than self-esteemed.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

...Increased aggression: This is associated with really high self esteem. Trying to maintain SE can lead people to misperceive things as threats to SE and be on edge.....

I'd have to question this one. Typically people with high self esteem don't feel that a difference of opinion is a threat to their self worth. Typically it's people who's esteem is connected with having people agree with them that have this problem. It's not truly a self esteem problem, it's need for acceptance problem. People with healthy self esteem already feel acceptance through themselves and don't put a huge emphasis on being accepted by everyone.

 

[DonJuanForever]

Finally a great discussion,

"What is self-esteem anyway? It's the difference between your ideal self and your percieved self."

I believe self esteem is more to "what you know about yourself." It goes more into self-worth than anything. Basically, what it comes down to is "what you know about you," and what you know could be totally unknown to the public.

I always thought that the MAIN reason guys fail with women and the MAIN reason guys didn't have confidence was because they "didn't know themselves." They didn't understand the talents that honestly, we all have. The talents which come from within, that will produce all our dreams.

In sales, my managers always had a "pre determined" way of selling shyt. That pissed me off because I SELL DIFFERENTLY. What mattered to me was just getting the sale, not following some dumb azz Tom Hopkins sales process.

And I see that on this site TOO MUCH! I'm a black guy, how I interact with women might be a little different. Than the way I DO IT, might be different than how another black guy does it...BUT AT LEAST I'M BEING JOHN, AND NOT BEING ANYBODY ELSE. WHO ARE YOU BEING...POOK, DAVID DEANGELO?

You can NEVER not get rejected. And I LOVE the rejections and the successes. At least through it all, I can say I stayed true to myself, I was myself, and the success is more tailored to me than anything else. AND PLUS, all my rejections and trials make me stronger, so what do I have to whine about?

Skip 2 the fvckin lou got pissed off 2 weeks ago, he said he was sick of this site because it made you focus too much on tricks and you couldn't even ENJOY the fvckin women anymore! Well........

That's because you don't need tricks, techniques, or tactics. All you really need to do is BE YOURSELF....but be YOUR IMPROVED SELF. That means, let the REAL YOU, YOUR REAL PERSONALITY, let the WAY YOU interact with women and people in general come forth.

Everybody wants to be the TOP GUY, not really knowing that the path to being the TOP GUY, really begins at ACCEPTING YOURSELF.

50 Cent and NickelBack are 2 totally different artists, but they BOTH MADE IT.

There's enough girls, enough sales, enough money, enough ROOM AT THE TOP FOR EVERYBODY. FOR EVERY PERSONALITY, DIFFERENT, ODD, WHO GIVES A FVCK.

The t.v. shows that get the highest ratings are usually the UNIQUE shows. How many American Idol rip-offs are popping up now? They will never outbeat the original.

The actor/artist who is totally himself and UNIQUE, that guy will be remembered and have staying power. The idiot black guy who becomes another "tupac or biggie" or the white rapper acting like "eminem" will have no fvckin staying power. WE WANT TO SEE YOU GOD DAMN IT!!

I hate to see another TUPAC, (as I see everyday in my culture), I wanna see a new, fresh YOU.

There's nothing wrong with YOU. YOU are the star. YOU are the center of attention. People have always said there's something wrong with YOU and told YOU, to be SOMEBODY ELSE (THE DON JUAN SHYT).

Fvck that....BE YOU. Let the REAL YOU COME OUT. That's what I wanna see, that's what women wanna see, that's what the world needs.

See I'm usually in sexual state, and honestly, my sexual state might be different than yours. But what's really happening is that I'm just being myself and being sexual with it, and what manifests is my own unique "lady's man of a self."

YOU HAVE A LADY'S MAN IN YOU TOO, could you please...bring him the fvck out??

 

[DonJuanForever]

God damn it guys, it's about being an individual ARTIST. The rejections and bad times make you stronger, the successes are all YOURS.

You guys don't want to be artists, you want to be copy cats. You want me to get up here and tell you from start to finish how to fvck a girl, how to be rich, how to get in shape, there's a million different ways.

Why don't you just search your soul, and do that which your soul wants you to do? Understand, folks won't like that, but come on guys.....who the fvck really cares about them?

Guys say, why do I support skip to the motafvckin lou...you know why, HE'S REAL. He's being skip, he's not trying to be anybody else.

Yes his advice has been said before and that's true, Pook's SHYT WAS SAID BEFORE ALSO!!

Skip will OUT PIMP ANY OF YOU, I put money on it. He might not be there now, but you see, he goes out and fails and fails and succeeds, etc...HE'S BEING MADE INTO AN ARTIST.

You don't jump out of bed dancing like Michael Jackson or dunking like Jordan, you wake outta bed with the God-given DRIVE AND MOTIVATION...the rest is up to your azz.

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Finally a great discussion...

:rockon: YEAH!!! :rockon:

Does the size of your self esteem matter?

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

:rockon: YEAH!!! :rockon:

Does the size of your self esteem matter?

Actually I can answer that....

It only matters if you're African American...

Sorry, I couldn't help myself...

 

[Badmannaz]

i struggle with self-esteem issues all the time and i'm 6'0 216 Afro american...im told "i know you have a gF" all the time but i don't, but my co-worker (caucasian) who is about 5'3 130lbs seems to pull chicks like it's nothing...even getting them clingy n ****...well my point is this guy has a **** load of charisma...and no matter how much work we have the guy is always nice and has a smile on his face

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

i struggle with self-esteem issues all the time and i'm 6'0 216 Afro american...im told "i know you have a gF" all the time but i don't, but my co-worker (caucasian) who is about 5'3 130lbs seems to pull chicks like it's nothing...even getting them clingy n ****...well my point is this guy has a **** load of charisma...and no matter how much work we have the guy is always nice and has a smile on his face

He's realized that the secret is to make women feel good about themselves whenever they are with you.

 

[frivolousz21]

Ive gained 40 lbs of fat over the last yr or so!


and I would still sarge the same as before....maybe not the same results

im not sure what that means....but as some posters have said you have to be you.

 

[DonJuanForever]

Hey I wanted to bump this.

Why is it that a good discussion GETS NO REPLIES ON THIS BOARD.

Shyt, the flames, the dumb azz questions go into 16 page threads.

Can someone speak on this one?

 

[Badmannaz]

yea...but women are mental terrorist and i know some guys who have went into total depression while the chick is whisked away with some dumbass who's cheating on her...lolz "cruel world"
u just have to learn how to play the game to keep from getting hurt

 

[Francisco d'Anconia]

Hey I wanted to bump this.

Why is it that a good discussion GETS NO REPLIES ON THIS BOARD.

Shyt, the flames, the dumb azz questions go into 16 page threads.

Can someone speak on this one?

You mean to pause and have an actual cognitive thought? That's a lot to ask for nowadays.

I will say that the bastardized contemporary, societal definition does embrace many of the negative aspects you list. The problem all stems from "social proof" I believe.

We live in an extremely competitive world now and it seems as if everyone is comparing themselves to their counterparts to see where they merit (I've always been against this, you seldom win). Then, to prove that they have some level of achievement they use one of the bastardized methods of self esteem to substantiate their feelings. Doing so goes completely against self-esteem in it's truest sense.