Seemingly good date but went a bit cold at the end

[viking22]

Ive been chatting to this girl on a dating site for a few weeks. We agreed to meet last weekend but nothing was finalised and i was in a lazy mood so didnt pursue it. We talked again on wednesday and she seemed a bit upset so i apologised and we talked on the phone and had a nice conversation so I asked if she was free Thursday night and she said yes.

From the word go she was standing too close to me and finding excuses to touch me so I thought it was definitely on. We go to a bar and she tells me she gets drunk easily but insists on ordering a bottle of wine. After twenty minutes or so she apologetically checks her phone and admits she had her friends ready to give emergency calls and shows me their texts.

I suggest we move somewhere with sofas as we are perched on bar stools. We sit on a sofa and I put my arm around her which she likes. But she takes a phone call and i think she is a bit skittish because she lives an hour out of London and with the cold weather public transport is a bit of a mess. She is definitely a bit tipsy and she says her flatmates will be meeting her halfway.

Given this I offer to walk her to her bus-stop. She is walking a bit unstably which gives me an excuse to put my hand around her waist and hold her tight to stop her slipping. We walk to the bus stop and she says she is cold so I hug her and then kiss her. She does not resist but neither is she particularly enthusiastic and expresses concern that will i get back ok and she is fine and can wait for the bus on her own. I say i want to make sure she gets on the bus safely but she seems a bit relieved when her bus finally arrives.

We chatted a bit on skype this evening but she seemed a bit cold.

Do you think I put her off by coming on too strong? What is the best thing to do?

I was thinking of just leaving it a week and seeing if she starts chasing me. At the start of the evening she was putting on the moves and that reversed later on and maybe she is the type who prefers to be in control.

 

[The Experience]

Do not think about this too much. You had a good night, but in my opinion you should have ended it there without the skype. She was somewhat drunk, relax, and do what makes you happy man. Maybe give it a couple days or so.

 

[Jariel]

In my opinion, one mistake you might've made is putting your arm around her when you sat down. It may seem innocent enough, but it's the sort of thing couples do, or it could be perceived as possessive and was probably too much for her to take in so soon. Light touching and playful flirting would have been perfect here instead.

Kissing her is fine and often expected. You might even get away with the arm around her to support her or the hug when she's cold, just as long as you don't do it for too long and pull back afterwards.

I've always said you must treat these situations like a volume slider. If you turn it up suddenly, she will freak out. But if you ease up the volume gradually, she will start to adapt and get used to it.

No matter how flirty she is, how keen she appears or how much she talks about wanting a relationship, you should always maintain a degree of coolness during those first dates. Make your move, but then retreat and let her chase you.

 

[viking22]

Yeah Jariel i think you were right. It was too much affection too soon. I guess i thought because she seemed so interested off the bat that i could fast forward a bit, instead of hanging back a little bit and being more of a challenge.

Ive always been a bit confused about kino. One school of thought is that as a man you should always be escalating ramping it up over time. Another school of thought is that you hang back a bit and let her touch you avoiding any definite moves until you have her isolated in a location where sex can take place.

I think it depends on the girl.

Some girls like to be manhandled a bit and are more likely to be put off if you are hanging back and not making moves and will interpret it as fear or nervousness.

Others get uncomfortable if a guy touches them too much but if you hang back allow themselves to get comfortable by touching you and will naturally amp things up themselves until they are ready to be kissed at which point as a guy you can take over.

 

[Jariel]

I guess i thought because she seemed so interested off the bat that i could fast forward a bit, instead of hanging back a little bit and being more of a challenge.

I know exactly what you mean. I've done it myself. Afterall, if she's coming on strong, it makes logical sense she'd appreciate the affection, right?

But I have to keep reminding myself that women don't follow the same kind of logic. They're a lot more emotionally motivated.

I think it depends on the girl.

Absolutely. I think in a club scenario where a chick is looking to take a guy home, you can afford to push the kino and really step it up. But if it's a girl who's looking for more or is more selective, you may need to take it steady.

Don't be put off making sexual advances, suggestive comments or physucal flirting, but try to avoid anything that seems too emotional or couply...or even anything romantic (at least until a later date).

 

[backbreaker]

you were more interested in finding out if she was interested in you or not, then actually trying to get to know her. you were so busy with your signals and queues, that you were not actually interested in her.

women want to know that you are into them. them....you were treating her like a walking piece of ass and boobs and trying to train it to see if it responds favorably. Putting your arms around a woman, kissing a woman, should flow naturally, it should not be forced. it is not something you do to find out if a woman is responding to you or not, you do it because it's the right thing to do at that time. There are certain times with a woman that you start to escalate things, escalation points, you hit none of them

get a woman talking, about her. All the rest of it, the touching, the kissing, the sex will come. it just doesn't happen becuase you happen to be out with her.

 

[viking22]

Agree backbreaker. I guess the problem for me is that as a late-starter with women escalation and stuff like that just does not come naturally for me. I come from a family where we are cold and do not touch each other. So just going with what feels natural would probably get me nowhere. But yeah I need to put it on the backburner and make my primary focus getting to know her.

Jariel that is a good point. I think a lot of the advice is targeted towards club/bar girls hence the emphasis on escalation, but i think it is dangerous because girls immediately put you in the "just looking for sex category" so even if they do like you they may disqualify you.

 

[john_trenor]

I was wondering if you offered her a ride home? You have to be more than just someone she likes… You have to get her to think about you day and night and stress over whether or not you’re into her. So, the first thing you need to keep in mind is to leave the question of weather or not you’re into her open ended. More importantly, let your words do the friendly talking and make your body language communicate sexuality.

Look, it’s important to show her that YOU ARE a sexual being. If you do not do this, I guarantee that she will think of you as asexual – as just a guy friend there to boost her ego so that she can have the confidence to talk to that stud she’s been dying to meet. If this happens to you, you have entered the friend zone. Obviously you don’t want that.