Seeking your wisdom

[Royal-tiger]

I have been seeing a lovely lady for over three years. Things were fine between us except she had a habit of lying that were generally for minor things. I overlooked them so as not to offend her. She was very loving and caring -- something I really loved!

Then last year in January, I found she had an active profile on an internet dating site. It devastated me. When asked, she first denied but then mentioned that it was there so she could find someone when I leave her. I could not understand it since I was still in town and was not leaving for another two months.

Trust was completely destroyed. But at her request, I kept my mind open to have her back in my life. Well, inconsistencies never changed and I decided to leave the relationship in August last year.

However, we stayed in touch infrequently.

This year in January, I went back to her town due to a corporate project. She was ecstatic and suggested that she will give her all to win me back. I also liked and missed her. So I went aboard to make the relationship work. But mentioned that all the work has to come from her side since I did not ruin our previous relationship. It was her lies that had killed it. She understood. And we set sail in an exclusive relationship.

Things were going fine including a wonderful Valentine's day this year. But shortly after, I began to notice a change in her behavior. She was distant, not as available and during sex very rarely will look into eyes.

This pattern continued. And I asked her quite a few times if she was seeing someone. Her answer was an emphatic no. And she said that she found it offensive to be asked such question.

Two weeks ago, I came to know that she was carrying a relationship with a 58-year-old man since February. She is 46. I am 43.

When confronted, she was first adamant that I was wrong but then acknowledged the relationship. I was devastated to learn that she had two boyfriends without either of us knowing about it. That day, I practically died. I still am reeling from it unable to believe it really happened.

She said the 58-year-old was more sensitive and she shared the common hobby of cooking and sports with him.

I asked her if she had to choose between me and this other guy (who is 58), what will be her decision. She said it will be me because she felt we were perfect together and she cared for me a lot. But after all this pain of lies and infidelity, it was not possible for me to stay in the relationship. So I called it quits.

Two days later, I went to visit the other guy (i.e., 58-year-old) and apologized for not knowing about him (when I was in the exclusive relationship my gal). I cautioned him about her lying and deceptions. However, I mentioned that it was his decision. I wished all the best and advised him to please persuade the gal to be honest.

Yesterday, I sent an email to the now ex-girlfriend essentially complimenting her for all the good things we shared and fun times we had. I told her that she will always be a part of memories in my completely devastated heart. I also requested her to practice honesty in future as it did not suit many good things that she had in her nature. And I wished her "Be happy and stay well."

I never got a reply; not that I was seeking one.

Would love to hear what others have to say or advise.

 

[Ruleit]

1st:

Kudos for having the balls to go tell the other guy that she was cheating on him. Not many people will have the integrity to do that.

2nd:

By doing that know that you have chosen the nuclear option and accept it. There is no going back now. Wipe her off your memory plate. Get rid of all "momentos" and delete all forms of communication with her. The only solution left for you now is to go no contact.

3rd:

Don't be surprised if they're still together after this because chicks like this have mad persuasion skills. If he is as soft hearted and a "nice guy" like you he will fall for whatever BS she spins him. E.g. That was my ex, I broke up with him X months ago and he never got over me. He's just trying to mess up our relationship because he wants me back.

4th:

Sit down and analyse where the heck you screwed up here and list the lessons you've learned from this experience. Engrave these lessons in your mind so that you never repeat them.

5th:

Shape up and ship out onto newer, better quality women.

If it helps post a list of your mistakes here so we see if you're doing the work.

 

[Royal-tiger]

Lesson learned:

Never put up with lies/bull****. Call her on it.


I don't think visiting the other guy and discussing the situation was a mistake. It was done for my clear conscience. If it works as an incentive for her to change, all the more better.

 

[Desdinova]

Things were fine between us except she had a habit of lying that were generally for minor things. I overlooked them so as not to offend her.

That's like getting a small cavity and saying "It's only a small one, no big deal". You let it slide and slide, and the next thing you know your teeth are rotting out of your face.

When a woman is lying to you and you find out, you need to take care of that 5hit immediately or she'll keep testing her limits. Women are very much like children in this aspect.

When you throw a rotting, stinking, mouldy and useless bag of fruit in the garbage, you don't go back into the trash and dig it back out. You leave it there. The same goes for low quality women.

A fresh, new woman with a blank slate is ALWAYS a better option than a woman who has revealed all her nasty imperfections.

 

[VladPatton]

You will never get anywhere with a liar. Pity the fool that hooks up with such a woman. You were waaaay to nice and decent with her. Delete all platforms of contact immediately. You should of stuck to your guns after round 1. The second time around, you shouldn't of been so decent. That's a fücked up chick right there. Be happy you took out the trash. Good riddance.

 

[abe0]

You had red flags with her lies since the beginning and at least your radar was up. I can only say that at that point she was only good for a f buddy and nothing else. As you can see.....she was a liar then and a liar now. I would not have wasted my time with her. Abe