Seeing father for 1st time in 7 years

[Billasec]

To make this short in about 2 hours i will be going with my older brother to see my father who i havent seen in 7 years.

Im 16, quite mature....
but how should i handle this

My mom and dad are divorced and my mom has a life restraining order on my dad along with full custody of my bro(19) and sister(21)

My mom and dad divorced as theyre marrigae was horrible with her being mistrating, along with lots of voilence and him having numerous bad habbits

My brother has being seeing my dad for about a year.... he came to this after not believing all the bad things my mom said about my dad

When i last saw him i was almost 10, and by that time my brother and sister werent seeing him anymore.... at that time i was naive and didnt analyze things too much but now that ive gotten more mature and as i am writing this i am very anxious inside and have tons of mixed feelings

Ill be staying with my dad along with my brother for a couple of days in NY

So any thoughts or opinions?

How should i act towards my dad?

 

[Aztec]

You don't have to put a facade. I'm sure your dad is feeling the same way. Maybe happy since he hasn't seen for this long.


I'm neither a parent nor have I experience in this situation but I wish you all the luck and prayers, brother.


Let us know what happens.


Aztec

 

[m4a1]

I'm in the same situation as you, except I didn't see him my whole life, looking forward to more replies 'cause this will help me too.

 

[dietzcoi]

My only advice, being a divorced father (but I see my kids a lot) is, do NOT believe everything your mother has told you in the past seven years.

Don't be like most boys who automatically take the mother's side in everything.

Remember, you are a MAN, and men have to make up their own minds about situations and who is at fault

Also, as a MAN, you may someday unfortunately be in a similar situation to your father... you would want your own sons to be objective and not just assume the mother is innocent and the father is always the bad guy.

Dietzcoi

 

[KOSR]

Right, obviously your mom is atleast somewhat biased. Listen to your dads story, see what resembles and what is different. The more you understand people the more you can feel at peace with yourself and others.

When you meet him for the first time just begin small, do some small talk about where he lives, the normal stuff, then slowly progress forward to what you want to know, or otherwise you will probably run into some awkward moments.

One thing i've noticed with my dad is the following; he almost has no empathy for other people. He was raised very religious, and was emotionally devastated, his ability to connect with other people is just non-functioning. If you visit your dad and very strong emotions come up it might be the case he just has no ability to relate to you, or anyone for that matter, on a certain level. Once you understand someone's else's life it will be easier to deal with the negative feelings and experiences the person has created for you and your family.

On the other hand, I don't visit my father at the moment, when I see him face to face i'm just to angry still, but, I don't hate him because I understand quite a lot about his life.

 

[Mr. Mystery II]

I hadn't contacted my father for 5 years before a year ago I emailed him and said I wanted to bury the hatchet. I had problems with my father for my own reasons, my mother had little to do with it.

I've recently got a call from him. It was weird, I didn't know who I was talking to, and then the voice said, "You don't recognize your own fathers voice?" to which I rather coldly said, "Uhh no."

I don't know when the next time I see my father is gonna be, the only reason I buried the hatchet is because I don't like to carry that hate around and it doesn't do me any good to walk around hating the guy when hes not in my life anyway. If and when I do see him again it will not be on a father son level, it will definetly be man to man, hes really just some guy from my past and nothing more.

I almost hesitate to say it, but maybe having an absentee father is a blessing, as nearly all of my friends that know their fathers get along with them horribly.

I'd like to hear how things go with you and your father. Let us know. And know that your not alone.

Mr. Mystery

 

[penkitten]

actually, it doesnt matter the reasons why they got divorced. that was between them.

if you feel bothered by the fact that he hasnt been around in the past 7 years , talk to him about it. tell him you want to start over if you feel that way. this is not between your mother and him , this is between you and him.

i grew up hardly ever seeing my father, and i missed him. why he didnt go more out of his way or why mother hid what he did do , i dunno. that should not have happened. later we got closer and 2 years ago he died. i was 25. and i missed out on soooooooo much and it is still unfair.

if you can have a relationship of some sort with him, start over and do it now , while you are young enough to enjoy it and he is too. dont wait until you are an adult, things happen and people die and then it is too late.

 

[DJDamage]

I see my dad once/twice a year, its been like that since I was 11 years old due to distance. Don't try to make him feel guilty for all the time that loss or the fact that the two of you don't have emotional bondage.

The kind of a relationship will be often strange but just know that he is family and if he is willing to help and be a part of your life, then let him. Don't have high expectations of the amount of involvment your father will have in your life, just trying to keep in touch is the first step.

 

[dietzcoi]

Since so many of you on this site have really bad relationships with your fathers, I hope this causes some of you to think twice before you get some HO pregnant and perpetuate the cycle yourselves

Merry Christmas, in keeping with the circumstances.

DIetzcoi

 

[S0LID]

I met my dad this year after 5+ years, he is tidy enough, a good source for money, and a free meal