Secret To Forgiveness 101

[COD]

Lets say you ARE THE one that got caught (cheating, lying, stealing, etc) can you restore the balance and gain their forgivness?

Recovering from any setback, regaining trust and respect will require some form of damage control. Saying “I’M SORRY” might have worked when you were a kid but in the real world, it just won’t cut it. It has be said “To Err is human, to forgive divine”.

Gaining forgiveness is contingent on certain variables;

A) THE INDIVIDUAL-the persons ability to forgive as not all people forgive easily, whether they themselves have made a few mistakes in their past.

B) SEVERITY-obviously lying about your age or job description might initiate different reaction than say giving someone an S.T.D.

C) HABITUAL-repeating the same transgression time and time again as opposed to an isolated one-time incident.

D) APOLOGY-your sincerity will be a key component in addition to a delicate balance of word choice and emotional tonality. Being remorseful, truly sorry for the mistake all work in your favor.

E) TIME-the amount of time that has transpired since the incident first occurred can soften their response. If it is recent it will appear critical as opposed to something that happened long ago. Keep in mind that time heals most wounds!

Consequential punishment (dependent upon above variables) varies.

* PERSONAL-these individuals tend to internalize feelings (cry, get emotional, they withdraw or distance themselves, silent treatment, etc).

* UPSET-these types externalize anger, hostility. They hit, become verbally abusive, swear, break things, toss your stuff out, ask you to leave, move out, they want nothing to do with you, try to make you jealous by having an affair, etc.

* HOSTILE-they want revenge on you. They destroy property, damage your possessions, spread rumors, slander, seek legal action, divorce/breakup, etc.

* CRAZY-these types take it very personal and go overboard, something within them snaps resulting in suicide, murder, etc.

The apology recovery road will require you to minimize their reaction, restore the balance and trust. You can best accomplish this by the following;

1) TRUNCATE-immediately stop any association with said action or individual. Cease any further exposure to transgression. Resign from position, seek professional assistance, therapy, etc.

2) DIFFUSE-deny, dilute, downplay transgression by omitting details/specifics. (don’t mention who, how many times, when, or why). Focus on the positive solutions rather than the negatives. Soften the shock by enhancing your word choices, avoid over whelming them all at once. People upon hearing any bad news often assume the worst. Reassure them it’s not permanent, it’s reversible/treatable/easily manageable. You should convey it’s temporary and minor. Don’t make a mountain out of a ant hill philosophy.

3) SHIFT BLAME-make sure to mention extenuating, relevant circumstances that were beyond your control. Make it appear it was not entirely 100% your fault. Don’t defend your actions.

4) APOLOGY-make it sincere, heartfelt and specific. Admit what you did was wrong, Without details and sincerity “I’m sorry” will have little effect. You should be remorseful and emotional and assure them it was a one-time mistake, isolated incident, offer plausible explanations which lead to your behavior, explain how behavior reaped no benefit, felt guilty and accept full responsibility for your actions. Mention you were afraid you would lose them if you told them the truth, how you didn’t intend on hurting them, etc.

 

[Maxtro]

What do you do if they are giving you the silent treatment a month after the "incident?"

She let me apologize to her but since then she won't even respond to me saying "Hi" to her.

 

[COD]

well your quote says it all...........a good way to get oversomeone is to move on.

I mentioned TIME heals most wounds..........not enough time has passed and your presence whether in person or virtual (email, phone, IM, voicemail, etc) forms an image in her mind.

I submit that your apology was not percieved as genuine, sincere. Not sure what you want to accomplish as getting back with an ex is an eniterly separate skill set and requires TIMING as well as other tactics to reap results.

STICKY POINT-you gotta offer up something better than.........I'M sorrwee, my bad, I dont know why, I was confused, the dog at your phone number, the devil made me do it............BS lines.

You gotta do some soul searching dude and ask yourself why U want access and forgiveness back into her life.

My post was just how to get forgivness and various processes that transpire.

 

[Maxtro]

I do know that time heals most wounds. How much time was unknown to me. I thought a month of no contact was enough, apparently I was wrong.

She wasn't an ex but a very close friend that I said some mean thing to about our friendship and sex. I thought she perceived my apology as genuine but I was probably wrong again. I felt very genuine in my apology and I owned up to the fact that I screwed up. I did not give my reasons to her because i felt they were too personal and it wouldn't help me. I know that what I said made her very angry and she probably perceived it as the worst things a guy friend can say to her.

I know exactly why I want her back in my life, but I also know that it's pointless unless I come up with some great information that can help. Until then I have keep pretending that I'm mad at her so I won't try to talk to her.