Scudge's Self-Improvement Journal

[NorwegianDJ]

Well, it seems like I'm improving, but I've yet to see any tangible evidence of improvement.

I think the fact that I started working out on a regular basis and haven't jacked in a week really helps my mood. It just seems that a lot of people still see me as the person I used to be. I'm pretty sure the fact that people are trying to keep me down means that I am starting to appear as a threat to their security or something. Forget where I read that. Super horny from not jacking. It's like the girls can feel it. Haha.

I'll keep ya guys posted.

Keep up the good work!

 

[scudge]

I'm definitely feeling that some people I know are trying to push me down. I've just remained positive in the face of all that. It's a little difficult because I haven't got anything yet. It's been months since I've kissed a girl and its beginning to weigh on me a bit. I guess I'm kind of embarrassed about it. I feel like a lot of people have much more experience than me and it affects me in a negative way. Gets me thinking things like "how can I compete with some guy who has a sh1t ton of social proof and has had experiences with numerous girls. Jealousy is bad f*cking juju. Kills the soul slowly.

But anyway... I feel as if I get caught up in patterns. Today external circumstances occurred and I immediately took on a more alpha persona. I felt completely at home flirting with some of the hottest girls I could find and I was completely in the moment. Problem is that things like that don't happen often enough to rely on. I need to merge my alpha side into my existing habits or form new ones.

 

[scudge]

Been doing a lot this week.
Overall, I would say my fears have diminished to almost nothing, but in their place is doubt. I feel like my habits really make it hard for me to meet people (too solitary) and I'm having a hard time breaking out of these habits. I know that I can do these things, but I'm just not used to them yet. They'll be in my comfort zone soon enough.

On another note, I've met/gotten closer to some girls. I'm glad that people are adding me on facebook and sh*t and all the other way around. It's probably just an ego thing, but I feel like I haven't sent friend requests to a lot of people I barely talk to because I want them to come to me.

One of these girls is driving me nuts. I've known her on a surface level for a while. The weird thing is we have this TENSION that is always there. I honestly can't tell half of the time if were flirting or insulting the sh*t out of each other. She'll be all smiles and heavy EC, but she's saying things that contradict that and then she'll ignore me. Then she'll turn around and initiate conversation. So confused on this one.
I seriously can't have a normal conversation with her, but that's not extremely surprising considering I rarely have normal conversations. Usually they are very long one sided, with the focus on the other person or short and energetic/bantery and die abruptly.
Anyway, I'm pretty hesistant to take it further because of this. Most other girls are either hot or cold, she she filps back and forth. If I made a move, she would either completely go for it or go f*cking apesh1t on me.

I'll see how it goes.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Girl like that at work. Don't let her ignore you, plow with positivity.

 

[scudge]

Over the last few days, I was freaking out. A lot. For almost no apparent reason. I couldn't breathe a full breath of air, had constant cottonmouth, and probably sounded like I was constipated when I talked.

Anyway that's over now. I'm really glad it was temporary. I think what really helped me, was that I got back in touch with my faith. I had been really drifting away from God and putting other things in his place. It feels really good to be on his side again.

A lot of my problems stem from caring about the opinions of others and my emptional coldness towards them. I haven't exactly been a loving neighbor and spreading my joy to others. I get it now and it's pretty obvious what I have to do.

 

[Mindgamez]

Over the last few days, I was freaking out. A lot. For almost no apparent reason. I couldn't breathe a full breath of air, had constant cottonmouth, and probably sounded like I was constipated when I talked.

I have this feeling too sometimes. I'm not alone I guess! It's pretty annoying, but if you fight for it to go, it will get worse. What I do is I just let it be and it goes away. I can't really explain, because it's all in the head.

Me too I end up caring too much about the opinion of others. It's a bad habit and we must live in our heads, not in someone else's. I'm glad we have the bootcamp to change things around.

Anyway, keep writing. Don't forget to act more than write.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Me too I end up caring too much about the opinion of others. It's a bad habit and we must live in our heads, not in someone else's. I'm glad we have the bootcamp to change things around.

Be out of even your head. Live with your body.