Scudge's Self-Improvement Journal

[scudge]

Hey guys.

It seems like the hs forum is a bunch of journals, so I believe its time for me to start.

Backstory:
I'm a senior, living somewhere in the Midwest.
The furthest I've ever gotten with a girl is first base.
Been a long time since then.
I'm a musician and I believe that's helped my confidence somewhat.
I have many acquaintances around my school (BIG school. More than 500 in my grade alone). But I don't really have any close friends.
Used to be really f*cking depressed, but I got better a while back.
Ever since I've need one horny motherf*cker...

Goals:
1. Make some friends that I can trust and have great times with.
2. Get some girls on my d!ck. Even if its not sex for a while, I would be quite happy with some bjs and handys.
3. Become more confident, aggressive, manly...etc.

 

[scudge]

Identifying my problems:
1. I'm too f*cking quiet.
2. I don't talk to enough girls that flirt with me. (A while back I got over my fear of eye contact and now I look at girls all the time, I just need to open my stubborn mouth).
Ex. The other day I made eye contact with a hot girl, she looked down like they usually do, but then she stared at my crotch and licked her lips... While I just walked on by.
3. I don't smile. I don't know why I dont. It seems the only time my facial expression changes is when I laugh.
4. A weird habit... I don't say people's names. I've heard it builds rapport if you do, but I haven't done it for so long it just feels weird when i do.
5. Possibly the worst one. I don't hang out with anyone afterschool. Ever. No one invites me and I don't invite anybody and that's how its been for the last year or so. I've never been to a party. I don't even hear about half of them. Most people ignore me and some disrespect me.

Suggestions?

 

[metoo]

what's your rush, anyway?

u think all that gina is going to disappear in a year or 2, or your thingy fall off? There's going to be plenty, forever. A friend of mine once pointed something important out to me. He said, "John, half the population has one of those things".

 

[NorwegianDJ]

Firstly, you sound angryish. I think this is why people may disrespect you. Just chill the **** out and enjoy.
You're horny? GO WORK OUT!
Quiet? TALK
TO GIRLS
Start smiling, a lot.
Start saying names. A lot.
Start organizing things with friends.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

I have a friend like this.

First off, the order you're going to achieve your goals is likely 3-1-2. You already seem aggressive enough by the way, I'd try for more calm instead. If you mean sexual aggression, that is really just being calm and holding under the pressure. It isn't so much aggression as assertion, the reason aggression is used (imo) is because when you actually make a sexual move it feels dominant and if you get really, really horny it feels nearly angry.

I thought people stopped disrespecting me when I chilled the **** out and started enjoying. I realised they said the same ****, I just interpreted it as hilarious and acted accordingly. They thought "Hey, he laughed. It must have been a good joke from me!" because no one likes to have someone laugh right in the face of an insult from them.

Work on talking louder and louder. It is hard to get too loud. Drink more water too, otherwise your throat can dry up and might get infected.

Be positive man.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Doubled.

 

[scudge]

Firstly, you sound angryish. I think this is why people may disrespect you. Just chill the **** out and enjoy.
You're horny? GO WORK OUT!
Quiet? TALK
TO GIRLS
Start smiling, a lot.
Start saying names. A lot.
Start organizing things with friends.

I like it. Thanks for the straightforward advice and opinions guys. This is the sort of thing you never notice unless someone tells you.

 

[scudge]

Anyway... Now for the journal part.

There are two girls I'm talking to at the moment. One is too young, but she has connections, so I'm trying to make her somewhat of a pivot.
The other lets call her HB Cheers (about a 7 on my scale). I know her from one of my classes. I'm getting good vibes from her, but for some reason if a girl's not an 8 or up, I find myself hesitating to take action. Whatever. I'm a work in progress.

Started meditating again this week and doing some affirmations. The kind where you scream shyt at the top of your lungs. Oh yeah.

As far as respect goes I find myself getting AMOGged by some people. Most people will be cool if you call them on their shyt, but these guys... I don't know the right approach. Ignoring them obviously doesn't work. Shyt like that just pisses me off so much.

Working on chilling. Managed to chill for a good part of today. Anger's just a habit I'm going to have to shake. Soon.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Started meditating again this week and doing some affirmations. The kind where you scream shyt at the top of your lungs. Oh yeah.

As far as respect goes I find myself getting AMOGged by some people. Most people will be cool if you call them on their shyt, but these guys... I don't know the right approach. Ignoring them obviously doesn't work. Shyt like that just pisses me off so much.

Working on chilling. Managed to chill for a good part of today. Anger's just a habit I'm going to have to shake. Soon.

Laugh, laugh and laugh some more. It is your own personal entertainment troupe.

"Jack, you're a juvie hunter" me:"Hahaha, man you're funny." guy:"You can't get girls your own age." (now here is where I could get pissed and argue that I in fact date older girls. Or....) "Girls my own age can run too fast. How am I supposed to fit them in my sack as well? Logistics mate."

 

[scudge]

Day 3

Things are getting better. It seems like there are two things holding me back. One is a fear of commitment and the other is that after being depressed for so long my emotional range has really diminished. I seem to stay around a 4 out of 10 and maybe go up to 5 or down to a 3 or sometimes a 2. I can stay cool in tough situations, but I never have the balls to get myself into them.

I really haven't considered how I'm going to learn how to turn on the excitement and happiness again, but I'll find something.

One thing that I've noticed since I've become more relaxed is that a lot of people who previously ignored me make eye contact in the hallway and stuff. Maybe I just didn't notice it before...

 

[scudge]

Feeling pretty good!
I've been reading this book and really getting the principals into my head. I've been meditating. I should be working out more...

But anyway, over the last few days, I've been getting a lot more respect. I'm not actually sure what happened exactly, but know when I walk down the hallway or something I don't feel like everyone is scrutinizing my every move. Something must have clicked.
Even better, even though eye contact hasn't been a problem for me for a while, I find myself looking longer and adding feeling to the looks I give.

Feels pretty awesome! Can't wait to keep going and reach my goals in record time!

 

[scudge]

Merry Christmas guys!

Anyway, I've been getting further with this girl I've been talking to. Not sure if I want to make it happen or not. Seems like if I do and I fvck up, half of the girls at school know her.
... I don't know sometimes. It seems like I do fine around the 7s and even some 8s, but when I get around one of those girls that I really want, I can't open my mouth. I need practice. I definitely need to get out more. Goals seem so far away even though I know I could get there soon enough.

I think my biggest sticking point at this point is jealousy. I see other people having the things that I want more than anything and it drives me crazy. Especially since I've been pretty lonely as far as friends go lately. Lots of people, none I can trust. I really need to get on that. It really bothers me that I'm a senior in high school and have not one close friend. I hear about people getting laid and sh1t and it makes me really f*cking jealous. I have a lot of work to do. I think at this point I've pretty much given up on making anything of high school. I'm more or less fixing myself in hopes that college will be awesome and that I can make up for lost time there.

I hope to make the rest of this year my best year of high school yet. I want to finally get blown, trade in my v card, actually be able to connect with a girl... High hopes.

Wish me luck.

 

[NorwegianDJ]

go for other girls

 

[LearningSlowly]

Dude your awesome! Ima keep reading if you keep posting. You're in such a similar spot to me that I want to learn through you learning.

Here are things I've noticed.

The meditation is good. Keep that up, but more importantly, focus on staying in the moment whenever you can.

Next, the AMOGs. They can suck, or they can end up as your closest friends. There are a few things I've noticed about high value guys. For one, you can't suck up to them. Any neediness is annoying, you can pick out the needy guys in a group easily. Give respect for the things you respect, ignore or gently make fun of the things you don't respect. For those tools who relate to people through insults, there are two strategies. Interpret it as a joke, or for the blatant ****, give it right back, but NOT DEFENSIVELY. Honestly the best response for the douchebag moments is to ignore them by continuing to talk to a girl, other than that you'll have to work out how to counter correctly.

Music is really cool! Work on your music! That will take you a lot further in life than any single one of these people will. What instrument?

Everything comes with practice. You gotta practice talking to people the same way you would practice your instrument.

And finally, your results at school will come more slowly than you're actually progressing. Because you don't have established groups at school, people may be reluctant to befriend you more closely, because they already have opinions of you. Stay friendly and in the moment. You'll notice that when you meet new people, they like you a lot more, because there's nothing associated with you yet.

 

[black jesus]

Identifying my problems:
1. I'm too f*cking quiet.
2. I don't talk to enough girls that flirt with me. (A while back I got over my fear of eye contact and now I look at girls all the time, I just need to open my stubborn mouth).
Ex. The other day I made eye contact with a hot girl, she looked down like they usually do, but then she stared at my crotch and licked her lips... While I just walked on by.
3. I don't smile. I don't know why I dont. It seems the only time my facial expression changes is when I laugh.
4. A weird habit... I don't say people's names. I've heard it builds rapport if you do, but I haven't done it for so long it just feels weird when i do.
5. Possibly the worst one. I don't hang out with anyone afterschool. Ever. No one invites me and I don't invite anybody and that's how its been for the last year or so. I've never been to a party. I don't even hear about half of them. Most people ignore me and some disrespect me.

Suggestions?

all i have to say is this YOU are exactly like ME. i dont say peoples name and my facial expression never changes until i laugh and people say i alwways look mad. that is one of my priority goals.

 

[scudge]

It's not exactly a good thing, but it does bring me some comfort to know that there are others in the same position. At least we can bounce ideas and experiences back and forth.

Things are a bit slow now, but hopefully when I get to school after break things get going in a good direction.

I wish you guys luck.

 

[Jack Wealthy]

Just thought I should bring this up, I don't think girls register micro-escalation. Just saying, girls seem to underestimate (when compared to guys) how significant a move is, so if you say "I'm getting further with this girl" it may or may not be the case. I find that girls usually pursue a bit after the second or even first time I meet them, and are up for it even faster.

 

[LearningSlowly]

Just thought I should bring this up, I don't think girls register micro-escalation. Just saying, girls seem to underestimate (when compared to guys) how significant a move is, so if you say "I'm getting further with this girl" it may or may not be the case. I find that girls usually pursue a bit after the second or even first time I meet them, and are up for it even faster.

I agree with you. Micro-escalation, if that's a real thing, should happen, but only because you're genuinely attracted. You still need to consciously make real moves, and those are the ones that matter. If you're timid it'll never work out.

 

[scudge]

I agree with you. Micro-escalation, if that's a real thing, should happen, but only because you're genuinely attracted. You still need to consciously make real moves, and those are the ones that matter. If you're timid it'll never work out.

I gotta agree with you on that one... for most girls it's better not to be subtle, at least according to this awesome book I'm reading.

 

[scudge]

Well, it seems like I'm improving, but I've yet to see any tangible evidence of improvement.

I think the fact that I started working out on a regular basis and haven't jacked in a week really helps my mood. It just seems that a lot of people still see me as the person I used to be. I'm pretty sure the fact that people are trying to keep me down means that I am starting to appear as a threat to their security or something. Forget where I read that. Super horny from not jacking. It's like the girls can feel it. Haha.

I'll keep ya guys posted.