Screening process

[WestCoaster]

OK, it seems like every gal I've dated in my life or particularly of late has been a flake, or unstable, or just kind of nutty. I've dated enough that getting dates or dating a lot isn't a problem. The problem is finding reliable ones ... yes, I know this is the U.S. of A. and my odds aren't great.

Some background: I'm not dating substance abusers, cheaters, or mean people (well, some mean ones in the past, I've moved past that), just unreliable and kind of wounded animals if that makes sense.

More background: I'm not looking for religious gals, just stable, normal women, that is plural as I plan on spinning a few plates right now.

... Or perhaps finding a stable, solid women is just too tough.

What sort of things do you guys do in the screening process. I have my own set of deal-breakers (smoking, people mean to others, inconsiderate people, too much cussing, sleep-around chicks, etc.), obviously I need more parameters.

This isn't a crisis state and I'm not on a whine-fest here, just want to change the type of women I date.

Rollo and Latinoman seem to always have good ideas, so I hope you contribute here as do others. Again, the problem isn't landing dates, it's landing dates with so-called normal people, or as normal as I could get. I realize I'm not always letter-perfect myself.

 

[Vulpine]

I accidentally got talking with a woman about future goals...

It was a fruitful conversation, and I'd certainly recommend it to you. It says a lot about who a person is, and, you can see if intended futures are similar. Hobbies, lifestyles, outlooks, perceptions, irritations, and overall character really comes out when you get a woman rambling about where they are versus where they would like to be.

And, in this "screening process", since you are a looking for a woman to last into "the future", it only makes sense that you should look for one that wants to be with you in the future (or in a similar place, if not the same place).

 

[WestCoaster]

Very good advice Vulpine, thanks. I certainly don't have all the answers, that's why I come here.

 

[tmpgstx]

I think the biggest thing is to see how she acts around other guys. If she is all flirty and a nasty attention vampire, then not dating material.

If she has the old thong Tat on her azz, then she's not dating material. You'd either be babysitting or sharing her with half the club scene.

Education is always a big plus (excluding breeze degrees like Broadcasting, Elementary Ed. etc.).

Who her friends are and what values they have

 

[Slickster]

Even the best women are far too emotional, neurotic, and dramatic to ever be considered reliable or stable.

Some are worse than others but you still have to deal with all the BS even with the good ones.

Funny that you say this:

More background: I'm not looking for religious gals, just stable, normal women, that is plural as I plan on spinning a few plates right now.

Right after you say this:

I'm not dating substance abusers, cheaters, or mean people (well, some mean ones in the past, I've moved past that), just unreliable and kind of wounded animals if that makes sense.

I think its pretty safe to say that the whole process of dating and meeting people in world today is pretty messed up. Playing hard to get, no-strings attached, multiple partners, etc. really screws up the whole process.

Nobody takes anything too seriously, too quickly and probably for good reason. Problem is that we all become way too jaded and sadly our relationships with others suffer. No wonder women act like wounded animals and guys can't seem to find that one down to earth gal.

I don't know who is to blame really. I just don't think that people "really" communicate well when it comes to dating and relationships. There are always hidden agendas and rules that we all play by. Hell most people can't even be honest with themselves let alone others.

Ask yourself this. How many times have you continued to see/date a girl after the first red flags appear? If you are like me I bet its pretty much everytime! Why do we do this? Is it for sex? Or do we deep down want this person to like us even though we know deep down that they aren't right for us?

Screening is really unreliable. People don't really let the "real" stuff show on first dates, etc. They are too busy trying to impress.

That is where I think your answer lies. Start seeking out genuine people. People who are the real deal.

As far as stability, and reliability go with women. :crackup:

 

[WestCoaster]

Real good stuff ... keep the info coming. Lots of gems in Slickster's post, including that last sentence. And you're right, I stick on the dating track too long after I've noticed the red flags. The red flags are there for a reason: so you can see them.

Great input, thanks.

 

[Desdinova]

What sort of things do you guys do in the screening process.

There's lots of things that will tell me not to bother:

- She has kids
- She's an attention wh0re (getting money / drinks / smokes from other guys)
- That fvcking lower back tattoo pisses me off too. I find that to be an extremely sexy part of a woman's body, and they vandalize it with ink.
- She has no talents or hobbies. If her best talent is getting her hair or nails done, she's boring.
- Smells bad
- Talks too much
- Religious (sorry, but most of the religious women I've dated are nutballs)
- Too many guy friends
- Talks about their friends non-stop

****y/funny is a great way of finding out what their self-esteem is like. If they can take a joke (and fire one back), she's going to actually be a bit of fun. If she gets all pissy because I'm being mean, she's out.

Unfortunately, sometimes you have to date a woman a few times to find out more. Fortunately, it doesn't take too long to figure out what they're really like. Action dates will show you how adventurous or how much fun they're going to be.

This post might help too:

http://www.sosuave.net/forum/showthread.php?t=30558

 

[Sinistar]

I am a firm believer that the majority of better women come from healthy, unbroken homes free of abuse, abuser and wacked value systems. They will have a healthy clutch of close girlfriends and no male girlfriends. They will tend to value familial, spiritual and emotional health over money, toys and objects They will have HSE and a HSD (if they are at all attracted to you). They will be interested in you and want you to lead.

Given all that, a few simple questions you can ask to walk them down a branch (and let them saw it off):

WC: "So tell me about the last time your entire family got together?"
- Watch her reaction
- What does she hide

WC: "Tell me a bit about your girlfriends, what do you like to do together?"
- I've had several women take in pride in saying they only have male friends!
- Does she dodge the question
- Is her time with GF's spent doing mature or immature things.

WC: "So tell me about your favorite hobbies..."
- Watch how many will say watching TV
- Some will actually say they don't have any
- Some will make excuses for not having any
- Women who take health/body seriously will probably mention exercise.

...to these types of early questions, you'll probably sense that she is either comfortable OR uncomfortable. If you sense discomfort, detach a bit (or a lot) while getting to know her better because the odds are there's gonna be red flag behind that discomfort. I like questions like these because they have to answer somehow (or they'd be rude which is another red flag). And at the same time they begin to flush out values, esteem, health, friendships, etc.

 

[WestCoaster]

Again, great replies here. I like the conversation starters and I like the warning signs threads. Very nice. It's stuff I should know ... I've been a bit out of my groove of late with trying to find a new job and my father being a bit ill. I've lost a lot of focus and am just shooting from the hip without logic.

Great comments ... I'm going to use this. Just lined up a date with a very nice (and hot!) gal and didn't want to go in making the same stupid mistakes I've been repeating this past year.

 

[Vulpine]

Again, great replies here. I like the conversation starters and I like the warning signs threads. Very nice. It's stuff I should know ...

Wow. I was just sitting here marvelling at the same. Amazing volume of right-to-the-point info, in tune with DJ theory, contained here, and I added some things to my own "screening list" as well.

In light of recent events, I'd like to add one HUGE deal breaker:

ARGUMENTATIVE

Boy, if she's infallible, has to get the last word in, stubborn, and is always "right" regardless of reality, always picking a fight...

GONE! And I mean faster than you can say, "********"!

The opposite being "agreeable". Any woman suitable for me would be "agreeable".

 

[decades]

try and notice if she gossips about other people. notice if she plays the victim or seems like a "wounded dove" or invites you to play her therapist. pay attention to see if she is "flirty" with other guys or tries to make you jealous by talking about someone from work, gym, etc. notice how she dresses and how much makeup and if she has had a boob job as it presents clues that she may be too superficial and too concerned about surface things. Is her ex or a man from her past still in the picture? Does she have mostly men friends or can she be friends with other women? Is there a male "hanger on" in the picture? Is she too "touchy feely" with other men? I could go on...unfortunately.

 

[tmpgstx]

Lol, no doubt. Some physical attributes that give rise to red-flags:

- always dying hair. The more extreme (jet black to pure white) signals insecurity about her looks

- gobs of make-up. Insecure about her looks and what guys think of her.

- Tats and piercings. Bottom-line - porno-graffitie

- Low cut tops and skirts. Showing alot of skin for that male attention.

- Really *white* Teeth. Too White. Some will disagree, but insecure

- Bold lipstick. Purple, bright red, hot-pink wine lip-gloss. It's BJ time !

- high heels and tight black dress pants. Take me now, any room!

- The quick glance back and then down to her ass. Come and get it big-boy!

- Legs spread with a big smile - if i could do you here and now i would (the gym)!

Lol, this turned into a body language translator for women but you get the point.

 

[WestCoaster]

Great stuff again ... here's a classic example. Met this gal last year, went out a few times before she tells me she had a bf. I stupidly went out with her a few more times ... right before I went to Hawaii for a conference, she's crying in front of me on how bad boyfriend is and she's going to dump his a$$. I stupidly thought I had a shot -- I was lonely and desparate at the time, thus why plate spinning is soooo important. Never date from a position of weakness, i.e., when your options are limited.

Anyway, I go to Hawaii, don't e-mail for a few days, I check my e-mail I have one from her saying she "can't wait until I get back" and misses me, blah, blah, b.s., b.s. I bought it, of course.

I get back and she blows me off like three times -- thus me being stupid. She finally e-mails and says she's not leaving bf, she "can't." I stupidly fired off a very angry e-mail, while most of this scenario was set up by my own stupidity. (Again, why being in dateless droughts is no good and why you should have more options.)

Now this gal is educated, makes good money, (is a single mom), is pretty much classy, dresses well, doesn't cuss, no tats, doesn't sleep around, etc. I stupidly hung in there when I heard bf.

However, this was a case where it was another bad choice and of course I was given a bright, red flag (bf) and didn't pay attention. I didn't pay attention to the one bright flag, while giving her too much credit for her good qualities.

Lesson learned: I failed the screening process. Other red flags weren't as visible. I seem to get thrown a lot of curve balls ... or perhaps I'm not listening attentively enough.

Feel free to slam me for being a dork in this scenario ... I haven't done anything that stupid since.

 

[tmpgstx]

Actually, it probably wasn't too bad of a scenerio to be in. If she was geniunely attracted to you, then her BF new something about you guys and put a stop to it.

If she wasn't geniunely attracted, then she used you to make him jealous. Judging by her character portrayal, it sounded like she really did like you.

The guilt may have got the best of her in the end. Her BF probably new how to tweak her emotions to his advantage or threatened to leave her etc.

This is happened to me before, the BF threatens to leave the girl enticing me. He makes her feel really guilty and makes you out to be some kind of Don Juan LOL

 

[decades]

my rule is if she is trying to attract attention in almost ANY way, its a big show stopping, red flag. Piercings and tats are two obvious examples. tight clothes low cut tops short shorts weird hair color lots of makeup....USUALLY not GF material. Maybe a one nighter or two. If GF you are asking for it.

Lol, no doubt. Some physical attributes that give rise to red-flags:

- always dying hair. The more extreme (jet black to pure white) signals insecurity about her looks

- gobs of make-up. Insecure about her looks and what guys think of her.

- Tats and piercings. Bottom-line - porno-graffitie

- Low cut tops and skirts. Showing alot of skin for that male attention.

- Really *white* Teeth. Too White. Some will disagree, but insecure

- Bold lipstick. Purple, bright red, hot-pink wine lip-gloss. It's BJ time !

- high heels and tight black dress pants. Take me now, any room!

- The quick glance back and then down to her ass. Come and get it big-boy!

- Legs spread with a big smile - if i could do you here and now i would (the gym)!

Lol, this turned into a body language translator for women but you get the point.

 

[Victory Unlimited]

Good points all.

The only thing that comes to mind that I'd like to add is simple, yet PROFOUND. And it is this:

We as men should learn better how to turn DOWN our desire for the woman long enough to actually HEAR what she is telling us about herself at the very beginning of the getting-to-know-you process.

During the initial phases of getting to know a woman, she will give what I like to call her PRELIMINARY MINDSET PROCLAMATION. This proclamation is an intiial announcement to YOU of how she expects to benefit from the relationship.

Examples:

When she talks about how her "friend's" boyfriend took her to such and such fancy (PRICEY) restaurant, she is really trying to tell you that YOU should take HER there.

When you're watching a movie, and the female lead character does something violent against men (like in Waiting to Exhale when Angela Bassetts character sets fire to all her cheating husbands car and clothes), and she CHEERS audibly-----what she is telling you is that she has a vindictive streak that is waiting in the wings.

And if she is always talking about her career and how important it is for her to continue to move up the corporate ladder, what she is really telling YOU is that her job may very well REMAIN first priority in her life EVEN if she becomes seriously involved with YOU.

The key to accurately reading a woman's Preliminary Mindset Proclamation is to notice how her emotions coincide with what she is saying. If she is a little too gleeful about things that you find horrific, if she is a little too turned off by things that turn you on, and if she is a little too angry at things you would want a woman to be happy about------then you should take some serious heed, soldier.

As we all know, women will rarely tell you directly what their frame of mind on specific things really is, so we have to decipher all we can. The Preliminary Mindset Proclamation is a very good tool that you can use to help you in your screening processes-----so put it in your arsenal, fellas.



March on.

 

[WestCoaster]

Good points all.

The only thing that comes to mind that I'd like to add is simple, yet PROFOUND. And it is this:

We as men should learn better how to turn DOWN our desire for the woman long enough to actually HEAR what she is telling us about herself at the very beginning of the getting-to-know-you process.

During the initial phases of getting to know a woman, she will give what I like to call her PRELIMINARY MINDSET PROCLAMATION. This proclamation is an intiial announcement to YOU of how she expects to benefit from the relationship.

Examples:

When she talks about how her "friend's" boyfriend to her to such and such fancy (PRICEY) restaurant, she is really trying to tell you that YOU should take HER there.

When you're watching a movie, and the female lead character does something violent against men (like in Waiting to Exhale when Angela Bassetts character sets fire to all her cheating husbands car and clothes), and she CHEERS audibly-----what she is telling you is that she has a vindictive streak that is waiting in the wings.

And if she is always talking about her career and how important it is for her to continue to move up the corporate ladder, what she is really telling YOU is that her job may very well REMAIN first priority in her life EVEN if she becomes seriously involved with YOU.

The key to accurately reading a woman's Preliminary Mindset Proclamation is to notice how her emotions coincide with what she is saying. If she is a little to gleeful about things that you find horrific, if she is a little to turned off by things that turn you on, and if she is a little to angry at things you would want a woman to be happy about------then you should take some serious heed, soldier.

As we all know, women will rarely tell you directly what their frame of mind on specific things really is, so we have to decipher all we can. The Preliminary Mindset Proclamation is a very good tool that you can use to help you in your screening processes-----so put it in your arsenal, fellas.



March on.

Freaking golden words, VU. Outstanding. I've learned more this afternoon than I have in a long, long time. Ignorance isn't bliss, it's torture. I'm glad for the quick cyber-education.

I didn't expect this thread to be much, but it's turned outstanding. Thanks.

 

[grinder]

I have found I attract different kinds of women depending on whatever mood or phase I seem to be in.

You’re experienced so I’m sure you know what I mean when you see that light bulb go off over their head and know they are into your program.

If you are not happy with THOSE that get you, then, unfortunately you have to ask yourself the uncomfortable question of WHY those particular women go for you.

I have played around with different looks, attitudes, and approaches to find out what seems to work best in attracting the kind of women I like.

Sorry guys, I don’t buy into any screening tool thus far. The reason: it gets too complicated and has too many variables. Scientific principles do not apply here.

How’s this one: Given that you are a DJ and know what you want: Are you happy with her? You’ll FEEL the answer.

 

[ScrewIt]

If you've been around enough women, it's not that hard to tell..

Red flags of unloyal girls:
Her interaction with guys, is it flirty/playful/touchy?
Is she open/receptive to guys interacting with her?
Does she have a lot of guy friends?
Is she secretive about her 'night' life?
Do you notice her smiling/making EC with other men while with you?

Loyal girls:
Initially its not easy to tell if they're loyal (or even single), I think the best way to filter if a girl is loyal is to talk to her, find out her background (education, career, travel, goals, living situation, what type of social life she has, personality type)...generally from there it's usually easy to ascertain if she's a keeper or not.
Personality type is a very big giveaway, if the girl is usually more conservative/mature she is either in a committted relationship and wont cheat (or doesnt have the balls to cheat), or she's single and a keeper. The conservative types generally are keepers because they dont have as crazy a social life as does the unstable ones...but it also means their life is boring for the most part.

 

[squirrels]

The only way to screen them is to date them. They don't walk around with their problems tattooed on their forehead.

As you become a better man, you'll expect more from your women, so you WILL run into a lot of flaky or otherwise unacceptable women. It's just part of the game.

Honestly...most of the time I can tell by the third date what a woman's like, and most of my problems come from me not listening to my own intuition. You KNOW when it's not gonna work out.