Scheduling

[Abcd]

I am in a tricky situation with a girl I met here in China. First thing to note is, I am living in China for business now. I am not into Asian girls. So there is a very, very limited supply of expat girls to date - this one is super cute and cool so I have been trying to play my cards right, even though in the States I would have moved on already.

I met her three weeks ago on Halloween. She seemed interested, got her number, invited her to come over for dinner just two days later. She initially said she maybe couldn't make it, but then texted me to say ok I'm free. We had a nice first date, nothing spectacular but I did take her for a walk and make out with her in a romantic location. She has work at 8AM so I was not surprised she wanted to go home after our walk - I took her home and we kissed goodbye, she said "call me."

That was a Tuesday. I have a problem with spacing out on girls when they are talking (especially if I'm multitasking, and I was cooking). I remember this girl said something about an upcoming trip to Indonesia. I call her the next weekend, and her phone is off - check her facebook and she is in Indonesia! On Wednesday I came home a little wasted and sent her a message on facebook, which was supposed to be hinted with a slight dry humor, but probably came off as just weird: message was "gail: I remember you mentioning a trip to Indonesia, but somehow I missed the fact that it was right this week." No reply!

She got back this weekend. I call her on Monday, her phone is on but no answer. No voicemail in China. She actually calls me back an hour later - great, wasn't expecting that at this point! I'm at dinner, tell her I'll call her back. I call her back later, no answer again. Call her back today, no answer again (it's afternoon siesta time in china) so I SMS her saying "I probably caught you sleeping, let's hang out tonight?" She texts me back saying "you know me too well... but i can't tonight, my friend is having a "sandwitch-palooza" that I def can't miss" (but nothing like "how about tomorrow?")

I texted her back with a joke like "well if it was between me and a sandwitch, I can see how the odds were against me tonight. will have to find a day with less determined competition." that was again supposed to be dry humor but could have been misinterpreted... sent her another one saying "i keep forgetting you may not be used to my dry sense of humor yet - should have put a after that! have fun"

Now I have dual problems: One I can't tell where I'm at with this girl because of all these communications hiccups. I thought we had a nice date and she seemed into it, but who knows, she hasn't been exactly jumping to come back out with me again. Then on the other hand I've only given her one real opportunity and I'm sure she did have plans (not that they were so important they couldn't have been ditched for me).

Second problem is, it's Tuesday. Earliest I could call her again is Thursday, and even that would be a little early. But I hate the idea of asking her out for the weekend: Too high of expectations - I like the weekday date thing for the first two or three dates. Plus, most people have weekend plans by Thursday, so I'm going to get another no, which would be three in a row. Do you think I can call her on Thursday? I am going back to the States for Thanksgiving... pretty quickly this is losing viability simply due to scheduling conflicts!!!

What do I do if she says she's busy again - normally I'd say next, but it's REALLY slim pickings around here in an industrial city in fvcking China - I find an attractive/interesting girl *maybe* once every two months, and believe me I'm looking everywhere.

 

[tehownerer]

Yeah seem like its over.... let see first she didn't call you back once and then went to message her on facebook no reply to both... Called again she call you back, then you decide not to talk to her so you call her again and she didn't pick up and you sent her a text she turn you down no counter offer lack of interest and you sent two more text and her reason for ditching you fu*king sandwich-palooza are you kidding me!!!.. a sandwich lol I'll just move on.

 

[Abcd]

Maybe, but let's see. I am 75% sure it will work out in the end. I think if you meet a girl once and invite her over for dinner for a first date, and she comes and lets you kiss her, she must be interested right off the bat. I am a sociable guy and though the first date wasn't extraordinary, it couldn't have resulted in decreased interest. I think it's just a case of fairly medium interest level combined with bad scheduling...

What I'm worried about is that it will sort of fizzle - this girl has a busy schedule, lots of friends with weekly set events (they go out on thursdays, etc.) and I am getting nervous about asking her out and having her be busy again. I didn't tell you about this: The first time I asked her out, on a Monday, she told me she thought she wouldn't be able to make it on Tuesday but would let me know if she could. I was of course expecting to never hear from her again, but she texted me the next day to say she could make it after all - so this is somebody who A) has a fairly busy schedule and B) even when she is legitimately busy, does not suggest a counter-offer / reschedule. That is a really bad combination that I've never really experienced before. Most girls just don't have that much going on at night on weekdays as they are in settled situations.

 

[Abcd]

Update: I called her today (Thursday) and she picked up. I invited her over for Sunday brunch (I make some amazing mexican brunch, and nobody has Sunday plans so I figured this would be a good test). She said she's going out on Saturday night so that could be tough to get up for. She will text me to let me know if she can make it - "probably yes but..."

This is the same thing I got on the first date - another maybe, I'll text you!!! I expected to never hear from her again and then she texted me with a Yes. What is up with this girl? The "Maybe, I'll text you" thing is supposed to be a nice way of saying "no," not something you actually do. This girl either has just a really low (but existent) interest level, or is playing games, or something. I WOULD have said she is just waiting to see if she gets a better option for the given night, but this is SUNDAY BRUNCH we're talking about, nobody has a better option (aside from sleeping in). What an enigma.

Thoughts?

 

[Abcd]

Or maybe I'm just getting old? She's 22 I'm 25. I never sent a text message in my life until I came to China, where everybody texts. I know this is hot with the kids now, but my fingers do not work that fast. Maybe this lack of commitment to plans is just a cultural thing of younger women today? Not that this would explain this situation but maybe I'm just over-analyzing the "confirmation" texts, and this is just how she accepts a date.

 

[tehownerer]

I just deleted my post but just to let you know you sound soooooo desperate and obsessed.

 

[Abcd]

You got me pegged!

 

[Commandante]

I did take her for a walk and make out with her in a romantic location. She has work at 8AM so I was not surprised she wanted to go home after our walk - I took her home and we kissed goodbye, she said "call me."

After that you should have done something like this:

Call her once the next days. If she doesn´t pick up, call her the day once more later. If she doesn´t pick it up again, send her a text like this: "Hey XY, I really enjoyed that night on the [romantic location]. I wanted to talk to you. Please give me a ring when you read this message!"

If she doesn´t call you back (after her holiday), then delete the number and find another chick!

If she calls back and has a good excuse for not picking up the phone twice, you can go on and arrange the next date.

If she tells you "maybe I have time, but maybe I don´t, I will text you", you have to make her clear, that you can wait until 10:00 the next day, otherwise you have to organise the party, trip, whatever you have planned for the day of the date (as a plan B), because you are busy and don´t want to waste your precious free time sitting home alone because she found something more interesting to do.

If she text you until 10:00 the next day, it´s OK, otherwise you already have a plan for Saturday. Now she has to wait a week to see you again. And next time she has to say yes or no if you ask her out, because you already have an other plan B for the next weekend.

Long story short, you are the man, you have to lead in a relationship from the beginning. Maybe she is chinese, but this fact is independent of the nationality. You started this relationship as a weak AFC, this train is high probably gone.

 

[Abcd]

After that you should have done something like this:

I had her over on a Tuesday night - I knew she was going to be out of town for the weekend but didn't realize it was for the whole following week too. So it was bad timing, it would have been kinda too much too soon to ask her out again before she got back.

I'm pretty sure at this point it's just a low-interest situation: If she wasn't interested at all after the first date she wouldn't still be picking up the phone or responding positively. Hopefully this can be fixed by just being my usual self on Sunday... if she does indeed decide to get out of bed.

 

[Commandante]

I had her over on a Tuesday night - I knew she was going to be out of town for the weekend but didn't realize it was for the whole following week too. So it was bad timing, it would have been kinda too much too soon to ask her out again before she got back.

I have never been to Indonesia, but after what I read about the country I´m pretty sure she could have used her cell phone there. At least to send a text message. This is NOT a good excuse. And NOT YOU are the one who has to find excuses for her behavior!

I'm pretty sure at this point it's just a low-interest situation:

Or a less than low.

But anyhow, you say only she-she-she... and what about you? You should know what you want and how you get it! If not from her than from an other pvssy.

 

[dj_china]

some chinese chicks are more honest, so "maybe, I'll text you later" means exactly that. there are no underlying messages

what you need to do is giver her space. don't be so aggressive abotu setting up a date. don't contact her for at least a week, then set up a date. this will make her value you more than a sandwhich

 

[Abcd]

I have never been to Indonesia, but after what I read about the country I´m pretty sure she could have used her cell phone there. At least to send a text message. This is NOT a good excuse. And NOT YOU are the one who has to find excuses for her behavior!

But anyhow, you say only she-she-she... and what about you? You should know what you want and how you get it! If not from her than from an other pvssy.

I don't really get your point about her not being able to send a text message from Indonesia... I'm sure her Chinese cell phone wouldn't have worked there but my only point was that I couldn't really call her up for another date after the first one because I would have had to call her the very next day, which would be quite lame. I probably would have anyway if I'd known she was leaving the country but yeah...

I don't think you understand what it's like to work in a strange foreign country and not speak the local language or have an attraction to the women of the area. I am picky with women, and the community of those that I could be attracted to here is probably limited to about 100-400 persons in the city (of which I have met perhaps 20 over a 1.5 year period of being extraordinarily outgoing just to meet those few). This is not like in the States where you can just "next" women without a thought. It's a desert island essentially. This took me about 6 months to get used to, but the amazing thing is I HAVE gotten used to it, and it has made me extraordinarily bold when it comes to approaching women - I see about one per month that I would have any interest in dating, and you can bet I have her number by the end of the night. I can walk through a mega dance club full of 1000 people (mostly Chinese girls) and get numbers from the two people I am physically attracted to within 15 minutes. Most weekends these two attractive women will turn out to be unattractive personally or be only in the city temporarily. About once every two months I find a woman actually worth chasing... in a city of 10+ million people. It is actually so ****ed up it's kind of enjoyably ridiculous.

 

[Commandante]

I'm sure her Chinese cell phone wouldn't have worked there

You aren´t in the telecommunication business, are you? But this´s not the main point, forget about it!

I don't think you understand what it's like to work in a strange foreign country and not speak the local language or have an attraction to the women of the area.

I understand a bit, because I´m living abroad as well. In my home country there are a lot of pretty chicks, but here aren´t.

What you can do:

1. Lower your standards. Or drink a bit, makes the chicks look pretty.

2. Go online (or in special bars, etc.) and take a look for not Chinese chicks working in your town. Can you imagine how boring it can be for them being surrounded by millions of small yellow d!cks? (sorry for the Chinese guys, but this is a fact )

 

[Abcd]

99% of China Telecom SIM cards do not have international roaming. In fact when I go to Hong Kong I have to put in a different SIM! Just for the record.

Thank you for your advice, fellow expat. Rest assured I have lowered my standards and hang out in expat-friendly locales. This girl, who I met at an expat-friendly bar, would be below my pay grade in the USA, but here she's as good as they come.

 

[Abcd]

****.. Her text:

Hey abcd! Based on our plans for tonight I don't think I'm going to be good company tom. morning :O But you're more than welcome to join us at <club> tonight!

What would you do?