Says it's complicated with her Ex

[ShinerDog]

I'll get to the point, started seeing this girl, not pushing too much since I had previously attempted to date her and she said she wasn't ready to be with someone (didn't mention why), we had kissed and had a good time, but I backed off. About a month later we start talking again and we see each other a few times (dinner, lunch,drinks), I kiss close, we make out but it doesn't go further. She's a bit religious, but I don't mind, at my age, i'm more interested in developing a real relationship.

Last week I ask her out to go bowling, and she says she doesn't think she should, says it's complicated with her ex and they recently started talking again. She says she wanted to tell me so it doesn't seem like she's decieving me, and lets me know the breakup was her choice...????.

This was all through text, I responded with a simple " ok" and haven't contacted since.

Now the question?

How would you handle this? Obviously just move on, but I sort of feel like I should have told her I thought it was f*cked up she never mentioned this before. Basically I feel like she doesn't know it pissed me off... Is it better that way? So it doesn't appear i'm butthurt about the situation? Did I do something wrong? It kind of sucks because we were getting along great, it sort of caught me by suprise. Also, I have been pursuing another girl, but I like this one much more. Guess I just don't like being tossed aside.

Anyway : TL/DR

Was seeing girl, she has been talking to ex she broke up with to see if they can work it out. I went no contact. Looking for advice and comments.

Thanks

 

[SecondHalf]

In the past when women I've started dating have disappointed me (flaking), I would like to scold them.
What I do instead is grumble and keep it to myself.
However, she gets moved into the potential use and abuse bucket for later (should the opportunity present itself).

No sense closing a door, just ignore it and move on.

SH

 

[st_99]

In the past when women I've started dating have disappointed me (flaking), I would like to scold them.
What I do instead is grumble and keep it to myself.
However, she gets moved into the potential use and abuse bucket for later (should the opportunity present itself).

No sense closing a door, just ignore it and move on.

SH

Thats the mindset i've adopted recently also. I used to take it so personally but try not to anymore and also assume they'll get in contact again and then I can play with them later.

 

[PrettyBoyAJ]

She chose her ex over you. You charge her to the game. If her interest was high she wouldn't have chosen her ex over you.

 

[Iceberg]

How would you handle this? Obviously just move on, but I sort of feel like I should have told her I thought it was f*cked up she never mentioned this before.

Is it f*cked up though?

She was just kinda dating you...it wasn't like you had reached any serious stage. I certainly wouldn't be telling some new girl I'm dating about issues I'm having with ex's, or past romances I haven't moved on from.

Did I do something wrong?

Not necessarily. This just seems like a normal thing. To put it simply, you win some, you lose some. No point in dwelling on it too much.

It kind of sucks because we were getting along great, it sort of caught me by suprise. Also, I have been pursuing another girl, but I like this one much more. Guess I just don't like being tossed aside.

This is part of dating. Not much you can do about it. One week, you're getting tossed aside....Next week, you're tossing some girl aside.

 

[ShinerDog]

Thanks for putting it in perspective Iceberg, Danger and all of you that commented. I'm just now starting to get to a stage where I'm trying to incorporate everything I've read here and other places, hopefully with time, this will just be something I learn to deal with and learn from and not take it personal.

I was being cautious with this one because we work together (different departments/building) and wasn't trying to come on too strong. Oh well.

Thanks again guys.

 

[ShinerDog]

Her actions told you long before her words were needed.

You just were unable to interpret her actions for what they were, low interest.

Having said that, your comment about "not minding because you are more interested in developing a real relationship" is a cop out. Be honest (at least with yourself) about your intentions and desires. Do not be ashamed of them, there is nothing wrong with them, regardless of what the world tells you.

You're right on the first part, I actually did notice some decline in calls and contact.

I sort of agree with the second part, I'd be lying if I said sex wasn't on my mind but I am ok with waiting, to a certain extent.

 

[AAAgent]

the last girl i thought was really cool did something similar.

hung out with her and her friends a few times and really clicked. first time out she tells me she's not looking for anything serious....i thought that was fine but thought it was weird she had to mention it as we hadn't even kissed. Then she proceeds to tell me all about her past relationships and bf's.

I tried to look past it and even was invited over to her place and got on her bed. She killed the mood completely and i couldn't get over it and i left. 2 weeks later i ask her to hang out and she's busy as a friend is in town. I chill with my friends who are chilling with her friends. she shows up and a guy and apparently one of her old flames. she tries hard to to make it look like she's less interested in him than he is in her but the guy claims her. He smacks her ass in public and hits on other girls infront of her. I completely nexted her right there.

Later next week she asked if i could drive her to the airport otherwise she would cab it. i said no. i hang out with her friends to play poker and she texts me to have fun, i ignore it. she texts me a week later and asks about poker and how i'm doing. I say fine. She texted me happy thanksgiving recently and i ignored it.

I don't involve myself in drama or put myself in situations where i become a fool.

 

[ShinerDog]

the last girl i thought was really cool did something similar.

hung out with her and her friends a few times and really clicked. first time out she tells me she's not looking for anything serious....i thought that was fine but thought it was weird she had to mention it as we hadn't even kissed. Then she proceeds to tell me all about her past relationships and bf's.

I tried to look past it and even was invited over to her place and got on her bed. She killed the mood completely and i couldn't get over it and i left. 2 weeks later i ask her to hang out and she's busy as a friend is in town. I chill with my friends who are chilling with her friends. she shows up and a guy and apparently one of her old flames. she tries hard to to make it look like she's less interested in him than he is in her but the guy claims her. He smacks her ass in public and hits on other girls infront of her. I completely nexted her right there.

Later next week she asked if i could drive her to the airport otherwise she would cab it. i said no. i hang out with her friends to play poker and she texts me to have fun, i ignore it. she texts me a week later and asks about poker and how i'm doing. I say fine. She texted me happy thanksgiving recently and i ignored it.

I don't involve myself in drama or put myself in situations where i become a fool.

Yea, I feel ya.

The first time we started talking and she said she wasn't ready to date, she made it seem like she had just been "heartbroken." Come to find out, she ended her previous relationship and is now having second thoughts.

Had she been honest from the get go, I would have approached the whole thing differently, and probably not at all.

Live in learn.

She was honest a bit too late for me to save face, but oh well

 

[backbreaker]

she really didnt' do antyhing wrong. She doesn't seem so much into drama as much as she just is getting out of a LTR and whoever is around is oing to be friendly fire. you are friendly fire in this case in point.

I mean think about it, if you are with your girl for 2-3 years, you break up, you try to meet chicks, and 2 months later you and your ex start talking again and you think you might get back together, does that make you a jerk because you went on some dates? no that makes you human. **** happens


my first real Grown girlfriend, she was 27, i was 21, she was in a 6 year relationship before i met her, ended up doing the same thing. we went on a date or two, she even spent the night, we went at it, next thing you know she's getting back with him. then she's not. then she is. they had JuST broke up like weeks before i met her.

however i had other plates and i treated her like a high risk high reward project. if she came around she did, if she didn't screw it. i refused to let yself get emotionally invested ab out it and kept dating other women. I was never mean or spitful, khell he sounded like a cool dude, was a 30 year old engineer. i just went about my business, she called every once in a while, i'd be nice wish her the best, but never came off as needy or anything. i was having too much fun to really give a damn either way at this point. eventually, she stopped seeing him and i stopped seeing other girls and we dated for about a year.

 

[Iceberg]

she really didnt' do antyhing wrong. She doesn't seem so much into drama as much as she just is getting out of a LTR and whoever is around is oing to be friendly fire. you are friendly fire in this case in point.

That's how I feel about it.

If it were me, and I'm just out of a long relationship, when I start dating a new person, it's not going to be like, "Hi I'm Iceberg. I'm just out of a LTR, so I don't where things will go between me and you."

I know you (ShinerDog) think she's dishonest or whatever. But how else was she supposed to play this situation?

Not to kick you while you're down, but your problem is, you were taking her way too seriously, way too soon. She's cute, she makes out with you a few times, and now all of a sudden you're cool with not getting sex from her because "you're interested in a real relationship".

Relationships will find you when the time is right. Don't go looking for them. Until then, treat every girl as a source of entertainment.

One of the ongoing themes of this site is dudes hanging out with a girl a few times and determining, "this is a LTR-worthy girl". Nah, buddy. Enjoy the situation as it is, and eventually, down the road, once sex is established, once you REALLY know what it's like to REALLY date her...then you'll know if she's a LTR girl. Not after a couple make outs and some coffee dates.

You got too excited. You saw some things that weren't really there. Happens all the time. Don't feel bad, just move on. Hey, maybe in the future, she comes back.

 

[st_99]

Until then, treat every girl as a source of entertainment.

Sadly, it took me so long to establish this mindset. Every time I hooked up with a girl I went straight to that LTR thought process. Of course thats what AFC's do, so thats what I did. Better late then never I guess.

 

[Aaron B]

next

the date invitation is an opportunity, nothing more

if she doesn't want to take advantage of the opportunity, find a girl who will

there is an infinite supply of women

she probably has low interest in you

i always call these bluffs when she says she's talking to her ex or whatever. i just go along with it: "ok cool, have fun, maybe i'll give you a call sometime" *click*

if you called to invite this girl to bowling without having any other girls you can call, you are practicing oneitis

always have multiple numbers and if for whatever reason this chick doesn't accept, hang up the phone and immediately dial the next chick on your list

 

[f283000]

A woman will cling to whoever she sees as the alpha male of the tribe.

Unfortunately in this instance as much as you have "clicked" and had a good time with this gal it won't change the fact in her mind that she sees her ex as more of a man than you.

You can give a woman the time of her life but she will still go back to her a**hole ex the moment he gives her a call if his game is tighter than yours.

In instances such as these it is futile to go after these women but instead take it like a man and realize you lost this case to a stronger male. Work on your game, become the alpha male of the tribe yourself so that anytime you appear in a new woman's life she has no doubt you are the man at that given moment and nobody else.

BECOME "THE MAN." Become the man that women cheat on their boyfriends for, put their whole focus on, ignore their exes for, cry and complain to their girlfriends for.

 

[backbreaker]

the only problem here, the only real problem is EGO.

If you took your ego out the equation, by that i mean,k you put yourself out there, and you would like her to be your GF, and she is not interested in that, at least yet, what exactly is the problem? she kicks it with you from time to time, she kicks it with him from time to time.

you should be kicking it with other girls from time to time and if you were, this seriously wouldn't even be an issue. can't count how many girls I dated in the past that just got out of relationships and went back, you might get a few dates out of it, a few nights out, a few spend the nights out of it, and if that's all you get, okay, be good with that and move on to the next dame. seriously what is the problem here?

the problem is that you are emotionally invested in someone who is not emotionally invested in you. The issue isn't so much why she doesn't like you over him, there are always going to be girls that don't like you or like someone else more than you for whatever the reason may be, and it's silly to get up in arms about it. As long as you are being the best you that you can be, that's all you can do. The issue is that you are way too emotionally invested way too early. Relationships are a game of chicken and whoever blinks first by catching feelings, has lost frame in the relationship. It's not like she dated you for 3 months then went back with him. you haven't even fvcked her yet buddy. This girl has not done anything whatsoever wrong.

 

[floydb25]

You always have to keep it in your mind that there may be someone else when initially dating. As well, feelings can change VERY fast during this stage, and they may not be mutual. How you feel has no basis on their feelings towards YOU. That's why you go out to have fun with no expectations or attachments too soon. No chasing.

Honestly, you can't say this girl is LTR worthy. You don't even know her. This takes time to find out. In the meanwhile, date around and see which ones are worth keeping. Don't focus on just one, and treat them ALL the same way.

A lot of guys don't seem to be entering into relationships for the right reasons. You get a glimpse; possibly an act - then, she loses interest. It's the challenge and potential that a lot of guys are chasing after. They don't know anything about this person. If she loses interest that quickly - how can she even be an LTR candidate for you? Makes no sense. This is a constant theme on this site.

 

[ShinerDog]

Wow, thanks for all the responses guys.

Update:

So I went no contact, and she eventually started talking to me again. At this point I'm just friendly with her, but act as myself. It's obvious to me she was attracted, but felt she needed to try and make it work with her ex who she had been with for 4 years...Understandable. So at this point, she is still talking to me regularly, and we flirt a bit and she basically tells me a couple weeks later that she is having thoughts she shouldn't be having about me and we should quit speaking... I oblige, and discontinue contact once more.

Well, lo and behold, she went on a little vacation with her ex/bf and discovered he had been cheating on her....

Funny how that works..

 

[DonGorgon]

imply means she still wants to **** him... you will gett attentionn when he disses her

 

[Robert28]

Wow, thanks for all the responses guys.

Update:

So I went no contact, and she eventually started talking to me again. At this point I'm just friendly with her, but act as myself. It's obvious to me she was attracted, but felt she needed to try and make it work with her ex who she had been with for 4 years...Understandable. So at this point, she is still talking to me regularly, and we flirt a bit and she basically tells me a couple weeks later that she is having thoughts she shouldn't be having about me and we should quit speaking... I oblige, and discontinue contact once more.

Well, lo and behold, she went on a little vacation with her ex/bf and discovered he had been cheating on her....

Funny how that works..

so let me get this straight, she did the same thing TWICE to you? i can understand being fresh out of a LTR but i mean d@mn she needs to make up her fvcking mind and quit jerking you around. oneday she is all dandy talking to you and hanging out with you and the next she still has feelings for her ex, i mean wtf? i'd be like "look b!tch either choose me or choose him, no more of this back and forth b.s., you ain't car shopping trying to choose between a red car or a black car, you're wasting my time with this back and forth crap." it sounds like she got what she deserved in the end, she had two guys after her and now she has no guys after her(at least i hope to God you arent going to fall for this sh!t three times in a row). the b!tch got what she deserved in my opinion and this proves that women are stupid when it comes to making decisions as they ALWAYS make the WRONG ones.

 

[The_411]

Reminds me exactly when you invite someone somewhere and they play the non-committal role trying to wait as along as possible to see if there is soemthing better to do.

Best thing to is be silent and move on. When a girl says,"things are complicatd with an ex" it always means you didn't do enough to break the bond my ex and I have. It's not worth the time or the effort. She's basically going to triangular you two and maybe other guys against each other because she doesn't want to amke a decision and enjoys the attention.

You're worth more than that and there's no reason to accept that behavior. If you do and somehow she works her way over to you, she'll always hold the upper hand.