Saying no.

[backbreaker]

I have a problem that has been growing and growing and I need some help. And it really has not alot to do with women but it's becoming a burdon on my life.

I find it downright impossible to say no. i just can't do it.

even when I know that saying YES to someone rather it be take half a day and fix someone's PC or let someone in my family borrow money I know I am not going to get back or (like I posted here) let a girl follow me to the gym to help her work out and get in shape... I really have a very hard time saying no to people.

Today for instance, I have 2PC's that I am fixing for people.. Mind you what I do for a living now has nothing to do with PC work but I know how to do it and people KNOW I know how to do it and take advantage of it. My mom has called me and asked me for money 3 times this month and it's not even the 10th yet. There is this guy who is trying to get clean and I told him I would met him for lunch today and talk to him...

none of which I MIND doing to some extent but I have **** to do for MY own life that I can't do becuase I can't say NO.

help me

 

[mcs]

maybe stop trying to make everyone like you. you can fix others PCs, cars, whatever - people may not like you after all.

 

[jophil28]

I find it downright impossible to say no. i just can't do it.

(

Being excessively accomodating invites exploitation, not gratitude or approval.

 

[DJArlington]

dude are you from an ethnic background , like Indian or Asian ? if no you gotta get away from those people, they will eat you up alive.

 

[true romance]

slap your face when you cannot say no...trust me, you will say no

 

[The Bat]

There is a fine line between genuinely trying to help people AND "helping" people to fulfill a void in your ego or trying to keep the "gentleman" image of yours tip top in shape.

You have crossed the line a long time ago.

Learn to prioritize your needs and desires first. Then make room for helping others. Fixing somebody's PC is NOT that big of a deal. Because guess what? That person can go out and buy a new PC or call technical support to fix it for them. What, are they idiots that they can't follow instructions that tech support will give them over the phone? If it's something major, then direct them to a proper resource like buying a new part of finding a repair shop.

And why are you complaining about giving your mom some money? Is she using it for drugs or buying guns or something criminal? NO? Then what's the problem. She took care of you majority of your life...helping her out financially shouldn't be a pain in the a$$.

And the guy you're helping get clean. You already have been around addicts a good portion of your life to understand how they behave. Just keep that in mind while you're helping him. Like I said before, there is a fine line between being a genuine helper AND trying to save somebody. The truth is, only that person can save themselves at the end of the day. Your job is to only act as a guide or a signpost directing them towards the place where they can save themselves.

 

[STR8UP]

I took a little trip to Canada last weekend to attend a convention for a new business I am starting.

Before I left I downloaded a bunch of podcasts of the Tom Leykis show to have something to listen to on the plane.

Anyone who knows who this guy is knows that he knows the score with women. He may be a little "extremist" as a shock jock, but his principles are sound.

Anyway, I was listening to him while I had some free time after the convention, and he was talking about his success, and that one of the main reasons he is so successful is that he learned how to tell people "no".

This rang true with me, as I realized awhile ago that the ability to say "no" to people is very important to living a healthy, fulfilling life.

I used to be a people pleaser. I suppose I still am to a point, but at least I have managed to get it in my head that people will take advantage of someone's inability so say no, and I have learned to pick and choose the times when I should be saying "yes".

I would recommend listening to this particular podcast if you get a chance. If you go to the Tom Leykis podcast page on iTunes download "Don't be held back", release date 8/12/2008.

 

[Junkyard]

Leykis is the man!!

 

[sodbuster]

AM I MISSING SOMETHING? Correct me if I'm wrong, but in another thread, didn't you mention mom making $ in the 150's range? Be pretty damn easy to say no to that, unless you are making double that. Get in touch with your inner AZZHOLE.

 

[backbreaker]

yes but she's in sales and she is having a bad month and so on and so on and her mother needs to buy medication, etc... getting a little to personal for my liking there. I didn't post that to get critqued on how I deal with my family.

it's because simply it doesn't stop at once. it's not possible with my family at least. if I do one thing, it's than another. than another. than another. then they go from being GRATEFUL to EXPECTING to DEMANDING and then when you cut off the supply chain, you are a POS. we've been down this road before my family and I.

Yes my mom raised me and I would think did a damn good job, and I don't mind whatsoever helping, but again.. you don't know my family. they take it there. This is the same woman who made my GF, pregnant with her first and only grandchild , Cry because "she doesn't feel like she is a good match with me because she is not black" and told her point blank she doesn't like her.... for no reason whatsoever. . All in front of 15 of my other family members in the middle of a packed resturant.

i have not been around addicts for the vast majrority of my life..where in the hell did you get that from? I grew up in an upper middle class neighborhood and I only used for a little less than 2 years when it was all said and done, for the rest of my life I"ve been pretty drug free. alot of assumptions made there.


YOu are right Jophill... but I just CAN'T do it. it's not that I dont' know better. I think you are missing the point. i CAN't Bring myself to say no. Even while i'm saying yes I know i'm ****ing up.


I am getting conflicting messages and I don't' know what to do. I was raised on the bible. Proverbs says Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard. you help people who need help. that's what I have been doing since I was little. It's not a pride or ego thing, it's a this is what is right thing.

but what I think is right and what i FEEL seem to be different. I don't help people to get an ego boost, but it would be nice if when you had something else to do they didnt' go behind you and call you an ******* or something along those lines, or I dont' now... try to blame you for sexual harrassment. that sucks.

I don't think helping people is AFC... and I don't equite being an ******* with being a DJ.. I don't know i'm just rambling now

 

[thirdtimescharm]

Backbreaker, can I borrow about $50K?

Bet you said no to that! See, you can do it.

I had the same problem. It got me married twice. Don't make the same mistake.

 

[backbreaker]

lmao

 

[sodbuster]

Just need to set boundaries about money just like you do with women. Don't pay me back-never get another chance,disrespect me when we are in a lending relationship,etc.

I have a father I can only take in limited doses,so I limit my time with him[doesn't want money,but has negativity cooties just dripping off him],keeps me sane. Limit your exposure to your family.

 

[jophil28]

. I was raised on the bible. Proverbs says Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard. you help people who need help. that's what I have been doing since I was little. It's not a pride or ego thing, it's a this is what is right thing.

The problem here is that this internalized belief makes you vulnerable to the scams of the users and the abusers.
THat is not "the right thing.".. not for you, at least.

 

[jophil28]

I was raised on the bible. Proverbs says Whoso stoppeth his ears at the cry of the poor, he also shall cry himself, but shall not be heard. you help people who need help. that's what I have been doing since I was little. It's not a pride or ego thing, it's a this is what is right thing.

The King, Solomon also intructs us not to waste our time and resouces on ungrateful,lazy or manipulative people..THe Bible instucts us to give from a position of ABUNDANCE.
Do you know, "Charity begins at home " ?
IT is a directive to look after ourselves and our family FIRST, and then, IF we have a SURPLUS of time, money or resouces, we are required to help others.


"Give till it hurts " is not scriptural advice inspite of its widespread popularity..it is a manipulation perpetrated on the gullible by those who would guilt us into donating our money for THEIR advantage.

 

[Alexander the Great]

BB,

Both my mother and my father were raised with the bible, so to say. They got it engrained upon them to do good for others, help others, that they should give away their best and so on. Both my mother and my father ended up constantly helping their parents when they were only children themselves. My father ruined his back helping his father in his business, my mother developed a trauma always caring for her histrionic mother who was always sick. Both had their best and most loved toys donated to church charity.

My parents were taken advantage of by their parents while they were growing up, as well as being indoctrinated by religion, and as a result, they ended up as adults who tried to be nice and helpful to everyone. What did it get them? Cr*p, people and employers taking advantage of them, bad finances, two sons who are too damn f*cking nice. Only because they didn't say NO more often. We're all people pleasers in this family. Only until two years ago or so I realized this and as I write this, I'm sick to my guts of it.

I wish I had been more selfish and demanding of others, and I wish I had said NO more often in my life. Had I been more of an assh*le, as people would put it, I would be much, much, much more succesful than I am now. Someone I know who has his sh*t together told me not long ago: you should be more of an assh*le. People take advantage of you now. He was right. They did. And do. (Example further down.)

Right, a lot of childhood trauma venting just now.


What I'm trying to say is: as with women, just DO it. Say NO everytime someone asks you to do something and you have no time. Say NO everytime someone wants something of you and you don't f*cking feel like it. Say NO everytime you feel taken advantage of.


Say NO. Just Do it. Make it your mantra, if you must.


Say NO. The self must come first before others can be served. There's your mantra. Don't be surprised if you feel like a selfish assh*le in the time to come, because you're saying NO all the time. Don't worry. Things will balance themselves out, as long as you're being conscious about it. The fact is, as with being more assh*le-ish with women, if you say NO more often, people will respect you for it, and respect you more. Because you're becoming more valuable as your time is more valuable suddenly. As long as you don't overdo the assh*le-act of course.

The self must come first before others can be served. If you don't stick to this and say NO more often, you'll end up like me and my parents: serving everyone but ourselves, unhappy, miserable, frustrated. That is not good. We are all our own person, not someone's slave.


Anecdote: I dabble as a graphic- and web designer a bit. My brother needed a logo and a website. Having been there before with him, where one request became many demands, I decided to quote him my price for the project this time. Next thing I see him do is Googling for cheap web- and logo designers. As if my time was only worth a dime-in-a-dozen logo for 50 bucks and a similar site. :trouble:

If you must, charge people for repairing their PC and see how fast they run to a paid professional then. The ultimate proof you were just being taken advantage of.


Anyway, you are the focus, you are the prize. That's also valid in this situation. The self must come first before others can be served.


Say NO. Just do it.


(And maybe introspect a little to determine the cause of your fear of saying no, because that's probably what it is: fear. Of losing something?)


Good luck man.

 

[Andy_Dufresne]

Learn to grow a pair and say "no".

Now, and often.

You will thank me later when you have teenagers.

 

[Warrior74]

BB,

Anecdote: I dabble as a graphic- and web designer a bit. My brother needed a logo and a website. Having been there before with him, where one request became many demands, I decided to quote him my price for the project this time. Next thing I see him do is Googling for cheap web- and logo designers. As if my time was only worth a dime-in-a-dozen logo for 50 bucks and a similar site. :trouble:

I do graphic design for a living. I upped my prices and started to actually have decent clients. When work is cheap or free people never respect it. But if you demand what you are worth and you deliver on what you say then you earn peoples respect.

To the OP. Nancy says, Just say no! You have to put yourself first in your own life, or you won't have one.

 

[window]

Go and buy a book called No More Mr Nice Guy by Glover.

 

[sodbuster]

Second that book!