Saw my ex-wife after 12+ months of No Contact

[KingofHearts]

So last thursday, I had to see my ex-wife (possible bpd nutjob among other dysfunctional traits) to put the finishing touches on our divorce. Its been just over a year since i ran for the door and didn't look back. In the following months she sent me a flurry of texts, emails and calls. They ranged from threats and insults to abandonment induced pleas for forgiveness and "please don't leave me" bs. She showed up at my house, my work, my friends house. I think she even stalked me by following me in her car but I can't confirm it. You know, the typical behavior from a bpd fallout. I finally slapped a restraining order on her and got my life back.

So in preparing, I expected the worst. Last time we spoke, she was going on about money I owed her and how I was stealing from her etc. and that she thought she had good reason to ask for money in our settlement. The thought of losing more money to this broad plus just seeing her face again did kind of stress me out and I just wanted this day to be over.

Well, everything went really well and way better than I could have hoped for. I arrived early and mingled with other people that were here at court for the same reason. I was just being me and felt very comfortable, i put myself a good mood. When my ex-wife got there, I kept it light. I joked around with her a bit and she was pretty receptive. She joined in on the conversations I had with other people. We got along just like old times. Really strange yet very comfortable at the same time. Any hate I had for this ***** of a woman just melted away the more I talked to her. She seemed like she was doing well and doing something constructive with her life - my instincts tell me this is temporary, I could still see the insecure fat girl in her (even though she looks great on the outside) but it was still kind of refreshing to see her doing well for herself.

In the end, she didn't push for any money in the settlement. We were in and out in a very short amount of time. On our way out walking in the rain, she mentioned an inside joke we had. And in a srange way that confirmed for me that we were genuinely pretty compatable (which is super rare), its just that she was crazy when it came to relationships. And that if we never got serious, then we probably could have been friends for years given all the common interests we shared.

So I went home just thinking to myself "what do you think of that ****?!" I guess even crazy women that are self destructive can be sane and civil at times. Overall she just appeared to be humbled by the whole thing. Maybe I just wasn't her target anymore and she was off with someone else ruining someone else's life. Either way, there was nothing for her to gain by acting the way she did but she still played nice. She was human again. I feel like me playing it cool had a lot to do with how she was. If I came in stiff and scared, then maybe she would have pounced on that.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I'm just not threatened by her or anyone like her anymore. It would take a lot for a women to ruin me again like this one did. And even right now, I can think of a couple of other girls that would be absolute hell to date or have a relationship with. But as friends, they're great company. They're quirky, fun and they look good. I'm cautious of what I'm doing, but not paranoid or pessimistic about the ordeal.

My takeaway from this is that even my possibly bpd ex-wife is not totally evil. There is some good in there, but her massive insecurities, terrible childhood and 26 years of playing the victim come alive when in close relationships. If we let our guard down with the wrong person and then become dependent on that person (rather than walking away), then be prepared for some bad times. Hopefully, my ex-wife is a mistake that I will only have to make once in my life. Live and learn...

 

[L B]

People don't typically change. She will show you her good side to draw you in and will destroy you the moment you let your guard down again and again. Remember: if it didn't work the first time, it will not work the second time or third. Good job moving on with your life and having no contact with the crazy one.

 

[KingofHearts]

People don't typically change. She will show you her good side to draw you in and will destroy you the moment you let your guard down again and again. Remember: if it didn't work the first time, it will not work the second time or third. Good job moving on with your life and having no contact with the crazy one.

Thanks man, i just found it so bizarre that she acted cool about the whole thing this week. One possibility is that she still has plans to draw me back in. Since everything is finalized now i never have to see or hear from her again. So if she contacts me now, then its obvious what she's after.

And you're right, I'm pretty sure that she hasn't changed, but she was just showing me a different side of her. Its her more normal side. Its a good possibility is that she has her sights set on someone else and that all energy for manipulation and craziness is devoted to someone else.

I thought someone may benefit from seeing this. Realize that an encounter with your crazy ex doesn't have to be a horrible experience. I do believe it has to do with your attitude and how you approach it though. Still you shouldn't go out of your way to see your ex if you don't have to. In my case, I had to see her in court.

Anyway, time to move on again. That woman was such a waste of my time. If any good came from all of this, its that I can spot the next crazy one a lot sooner.

 

[kingsam]

dont fall for her "nice girl" act! well every one is nice just chatting to them!

im curious...
how did you manage to marry a girl who was such a wacko?
did you not see the red flags? or did you ignore then? or did you get married too early before you had seen all the sides of her?!
(i dont beleive she didnt show her bpd/bad side!)

 

[KingofHearts]

did you not see the red flags? or did you ignore then? or did you get married too early before you had seen all the sides of her?!
(i dont beleive she didnt show her bpd/bad side!)

Yeah, a little bit of all 3. When I first started dating her, i was also dating a couple of other girls. I had no intentions of getting married, much less a girlfriend. Never really been about the sex either (at least not until this girl), but I like the company and affection every once in a while. So in that first couple months, I wasn't too interested in getting to know her. In retrospect, she gave me all the red flags i needed to see, but it didn't matter to me because we were just hanging out.

After a while my ex-wife really started showing me something special. We really clicked and she was simply the best girl I've met on many levels.

Now here's where she went from a plate to a gf (without the label). I lost my job basically right in front of her. She stuck it out with me and made it very clear that no matter what happens, she's going to be by my side.

After that, things steamrolled. And because I didn't have a steady job, we spent a hell of a lot of time together. I've never spent that much time with any girl before, work and my goals always came first. I didn't mind, she was great company. I expected her to be by my side and support me (moral support) as I got back on my feet. But it accelerated our relationship so fast.

She insinuated every step of the way. Every stage of our relationship was seamless, no labels bs. It was more like, "oh i guess you're my girlfriend now". We talked about marriage and had details worked out long before I proposed.

I remember at some point, I was thinking about something i read at sosuave - that basically there comes a point where the red flags go away. There's a point of no return where she will hide her skeletons in the closet and knows you well enough to behave the way you want her to. I realized that I passed that point without paying attention to the red flags and said to myself "i guess I've gotten all the warning i'm gonna get".

She had her crazy moments and she shared some stories with me, she definitely had a past. But I was so invested that I just made excuses for her. She didn't do anything real bad until after we said I love you. And the first couple of times we argued was because I really did **** up bad. And that was the pattern that continued as we grew closer together: I screwed up and justified her reaction & I made excuses for her when she crossed the line (her bad childhood or whatever). Plus its easy to forgive her when the make up sex is unbelievable.

All along I knew it was a risk and I knew how young I was. But I just decided that I was willing to take the risk and see what happens. Do i regret it? yes and no. Sure, this whole thing was hell on earth at times. But I really haven't had a lot of bad stuff happen to me in my life. So this whole thing helped me grow some balls. Would I do it again? **** no!

Any other questions, i'll be happy to answer them. Hopefully people can benefit from what i went through. Sosuave has done a lot for me, i'm just trying to give back.

 

[Ease]

I remember at some point, I was thinking about something i read at sosuave - that basically there comes a point where the red flags go away. There's a point of no return where she will hide her skeletons in the closet and knows you well enough to behave the way you want her to. I realized that I passed that point without paying attention to the red flags and said to myself "i guess I've gotten all the warning i'm gonna get".

She had her crazy moments and she shared some stories with me, she definitely had a past. But I was so invested that I just made excuses for her. She didn't do anything real bad until after we said I love you. And the first couple of times we argued was because I really did **** up bad. And that was the pattern that continued as we grew closer together: I screwed up and justified her reaction & I made excuses for her when she crossed the line (her bad childhood or whatever). Plus its easy to forgive her when the make up sex is unbelievable.

Interesting to read about man.

What happened in the end? How and when did you leave?

 

[KingofHearts]

Interesting to read about man.

What happened in the end? How and when did you leave?

Well, I left a couple times and came back. F-in drama, I hate drama. Totally pointless and I have no patience for women that "need" drama to feel alive. She was getting really angry and just totally out of control. Without getting too specific, she became real possessive when she was angry, it was her way of gaining control. If I had something of hers, she would demand it back. If I let her drive when she was angry, she would drive insanely fast. I'm talking 90-100 mph on a city freeway.

Keep in mind, that I didn't know or even consider that she had bpd. I read about bpd at some point on sosuave, but it was long before I dated her. It wasn't until a few weeks after i left that I came across the term bpd online again and I realized that's what she had. For the record, she was never diagnosed or tested for it, but she displayed all 9 traits of typical bpd's, which is listed here: http://www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com/main/dsmiv.htm

When she would get this upset, i would just walk away. one time I got out of her car at a stop light and just walked to my parents house (we were in the neighborhood). I just felt like I needed to get away from her and away from the situation. I was totally fed up. This happened two times in a similar way. And both times I left and stayed at my parents house over night. The first time, my parents talked me into going back.

The second time, she withdrew nearly all the money from our joint account. God only knows what she did with the money. This time, she talked me into going back. We made up but I was pretty much done. Too much drama. When we first were hanging out, it was my dream relationship. And then after all that had happened, it felt like getting back to that point was impossible. I basically told her, if she ****ed up again, we were thru. She said all the right things and was really hard on yourself. She apologized and tried to make everything right. There were plenty of times before when I was ready to walk away and she found a way to talk me into staying.

The next couple days went really well (i swear two days felt like weeks with this woman), no crazy-ness. That is until she came home from work. She ****ed up again. Apparently this happened in the time that I stayed at my parents house. She was expecting to get paid, but it didn't come on time. So without getting into too many details, she spent all of our money and still owed more money to somebody. And now she's worried about paying this guy off and she asked if we could use money from my last check. The more questions I asked, the more she got upset. She started to turn it around and blamed it on me for leaving in the first place, that it would have never happened if I didn't leave. At that point, it just registered in my head that this was an impossible situation. Her story didn't even add up. Maybe, you guys can relate to this, but this time i felt such strong, intense urgency to get the hell out of there at that moment. I felt like I was in danger and needed to save myself and my sanity. In the moment, that was pretty scary.

I snuck away and quickly called my uncle that lived close by and asked him to pick me up. She didn't know I made this call. I grabbed some of my valuables and bolted for the door. She physically blocked the door (not the first time she's done this). I had to physically shove her and opened the door quickly and escaped. On my way out, she dug her nails and clawed into my hand trying to stop me. I literally ran away.

It took a long time for that stupid wound to heal, she dug pretty deep into my skin. It left a tiny scar on my hand that I see everytime I look at it.

I strongly believe that its important to pull something positive from unfortuante situations. Now when I look at my hand, I realize the bullet I dodged, a lifetime of hell with her. We could've had children, I could of lost a lot more money. In the big picture, it could have been a lot worse if I tried to stick it out. There is a lot of pride and ego involved in walking away from marriage. You question if you just weren't man enough for it. You wonder if it was the right thing to do, or if you should have tried harder to make it work. But when I think objectively about it, it was always going to be that way with her. She was never going to take responsibility for her mistakes. She was never going to overcome her insecurities. She was always going to create drama. I was never going to live in peace. The mistakes I made within the relationship weren't as significant as the ones I made going into this relationship. In the words of Joe Pesci, "I should have never started this broad".

When I look at my hand, it reminds me what took place that night and in our marriage. It no longer hurts because its not a wound, its become a scar. She can never hurt me anymore but the mark she left behind is a constant reminder to never follow the same path again.

 

[Furyguy]

f we let our guard down with the wrong person and then become dependent on that person (rather than walking away), then be prepared for some bad times.

True dat brother. Nice story, I'm glad you were man enough to walk away before you got in too deep, instead of just sticking it out in a ****ed up marriage for the rest of your life.