Saving yourself vs. saving your relationship

[Don Giovanni]

There is a difference between trying to save a situation and trying to save yourself. Not recognizing this simple difference has caused much heartache for too many guys on this board, including myself.

Have a look at this: http://www.sosuave.com/doclove/doc256.htm

In the past she said that she wouldn't be comfortable marrying someone before dating them for at least a year, so I'm assuming I just jumped the gun by trying to pop the question. But I want to know how I can maintain this relationship and how I should move forward.

This comes up in one form or another several times a week. Guys logging on desperate to know how to save a relationship - how to 'fix' it. But the real problem is not with the relationship, it is with you. The relationship is not what needs to be saved. It is you that needs to be saved.

How many times have we heard some variation of these:

"What do I do? This girl I have been dating has started giving me the cold shoulder."

"How can I win my girl back? I'm HOPELESSLY in love with her. She left me last week after we took a 3 week break apart. Now she doesn't want to get back together again. How do I make her change her mind and love me again?"

"This girl isn't calling me back. She is DISRESPECTING me! How do I get her to respect me?"

"I really love this girl. I can't help it. But she just wants us to be friends. What can I do to make her want me as her boyfriend?"

It all comes down to the same thing. You want to FIX the situation with a girl. You want her to want you in some way. But the real problem that is looking to be fixed is not in the situation. The real problem to be fixed is in you. The relationship is not what needs to be saved. It is you that needs to be saved.

I enjoy reading Doc Love and think he has some very insightful things to say. But I sometimes read articles by him like this one with guys trying to get married or even succeeding to get married through The System.

So I increased the Challenge level and waited for the cruise that we were scheduled to take to determine if something was wrong.

She seems to be coming around, but I'm at a loss for what to do next. Should I keep withdrawing and playing my "System role" or should I be more open and let her know my feelings?

This guy is trying to get MARRIED and he is still trying to figure out how to use Challenge and playing his "System role" to 'fix' the situation, to 'save' his relationship. He tells us that "I want to know how I can maintain this relationship and how I should move forward." Imagine thinking about Challenge or ****y and funny when you are married. Imagine looking for pupil dilation to make sure your wife still feels the same about you.

This guy has it mixed up. He needs to save himself, not the relationship. He needs to fix himself, not the situation. He needs to be honest with himself and see that he has deeper problems in his life than a lost relationship when he's still talking about using some technique to try and fix/control ('maintain' in his words) his relationship. He will be lucky if his girl leaves him. Why? Because he can start new if he wants. In a marriage where he is constantly trying to 'fix' every problem that comes up with 'Challenge' and other techniques, he will be 'buying' his woman on an installment plan, slowly selling his dignity to pay up.

I see the same problem from the newbie who posts that he had 'slipped up' by not being 'DJ' at some moment to the veteran poster who "should have known better" when he broke down to tell the girl he loved her when she started losing interest. Then I see the returning poster who comes back because the girl finally ended the relationship and wants to rebuild his game. The problem is the same.

They did not distinguish the difference between saving themselves and saving their relationships, because the real problem that needed to be fixed was within.

I know it isn't easy. It isn't easy to stand tall with your dignity and do what is right for you. There was this beautiful girl (who hasn't had one of these?) whose number I got and called. Long story short, I wanted to change the location, but was afraid to do so and lose the girl. What would you have done? Call the girl and change the location and risk losing her or play the puppy? Your decision would ultimately have been the only part that mattered, because the girl couldn't be reached and didn't showed anyway. What if the girl had shown up? You should still be willing to lose the girl, no matter how beautiful. But you can't you tell me, because she is too beautiful and you're in love already. The truth is that you are afraid to lose her and think this might be your only chance at a beautiful girl. Think again, Don Juan. One hundred girls is all it will take to change your mind. Approach one hundred girls and ask for the number - and so fix yourself. Then you won't know what to be afraid of anymore, because once you can do a hundred, you can do two, three... a thousand. You'll have so many numbers you won't know which girl to call.

Then it'll be easy to save yourself, not the relationship, because the problem is in you, not the situation. When you solve yourself, you won't be looking at some website to tell you what to do and you won't be chained to some book with the promise that it'll get you your dream girl and that once you do your life will be better.

This is how you love the way you want to. Afraid this beautiful girl won't like it? That's OK, because you met another one yesterday.

This is how you LIVE the way you want to, by understanding the difference between saving yourself and saving your relationship.

 

[Ricky]

You know what I really love this post.

I wanted to expand what I think a problem is for us who take full responsiblity for our lives. We can't take responsibility sometimes for a girl flaking on us.

It is her shortcoming.

But we can change our shortcoming and you are right there are so many more women out there.

It's great to know!

The problem in my fricking mind that is a virus is the thought that why should i bother dating other girls since it will have the same painful ending.

This is wrong, If i was truly dating girls just for fun it wouldn't matter to me.