Said I love you first, didn't really mean it

[mikeyb]

So last night me and gf get back from a night out, both of us still slightly buzzed. We're cuddling in bed and I just felt like I had to say "I love you". She said it back and then initiated sex. In the morning she initiated sex again.

It could have been the alcohol that made me say it, in fact it probably was. We've been going out for about 5 months, everything has been awesome, and I really mean everything. The thing is, although I care about her and I think she does too, I don't love her yet. I just had this sudden urge to say it.

I know that the general consensus here is "don't say it first". Truth be told, I don't mind putting myself out there and saying it first seeing as this girl is a bit shy (I'm her first real boyfriend), but it pisses me off that I said it when the truth is more like "I really like you".

Any thoughts? According to threads on here saying "I love you" first leads to the woman taking you for granted and the level of attraction going down. Is this always true? I mean, she's initiated as much sex as we could handle since I said it so it doesn't seem like it turned her off...

 

[SSSS]

Don't say it again, make out nothing was said! If she say's it say; 'I know'

I wrote it in Spanish on a ex GFs birthday card. Doing this ufcked it right up as she said she didn't feel the same way!

 

[Iceberg]

Any thoughts? According to threads on here saying "I love you" first leads to the woman taking you for granted and the level of attraction going down. Is this always true? I mean, she's initiated as much sex as we could handle since I said it so it doesn't seem like it turned her off...

Nothing is always true.

This message board is just a bunch of people with opinions. We aren't scientists.

The idea behind letting a woman ask the "Are we in a relationship" or "Do you love me" questions is, it puts them in the position of the pursuer. Now they're chasing your validation instead of vice versa.

But it's not like you're guaranteed to fail just because you said you love her. Despite what a lot of these guys say, not ALL women are evil, game-players. If she really likes you, then you'll be fine.

 

[st_99]

the fact that you didn't mean it makes it no big deal, if you meant it she probably would be out the door. i feel like she instinctualy knew that you weren't really going afc on her.

 

[zekko]

Nothing is always true.

Iceberg is correct. Generally speaking, it is not a good idea to say it first.
But that doesn't mean that every time a guy does this, it's a guaranteed recipe for disaster. Life is not a pickup forum. She said it back to you at least, so that's a good sign.

Just try to maintain a better frame from now on. If she tries to backpedal on you, you can always tell her what you told us - that it was the alcohol talking.

 

[mikeyb]

Thanks guys, I guess the best thing to do is just act normal like none of this happened.

 

[bukowski_merit]

Do not worry about this stuff man. If you've been a strong dominant man both in the relationship and in bed - this isn't as big of a deal as it would seem.

If however, you have not been dominant, and not led her; if say, this has been a 50/50 relationship - well, that could be bad then.

You see, a lot of these RULES are put in place for guys who aren't too slick when it comes to women. A socially ignorant guy might tell a woman he's been seeing for 2 weeks that he loves her without any signs from her that she feels the same way. This.... is a death kiss to him. So we say such things as, "don't say 'i love you' first". Mainly to protect the inexperienced man. Or the man who's been doing it wrong his whole life.

You guys are 5 months in + she says it back + seems very aroused by it? Not really a huge problem.

I've said it first before. Normally i get some kind of signal from the woman that she's ready for it. Saying it and hearing it back = not the end. Saying it and not hearing it back = very bad things.

So last night me and gf get back from a night out, both of us still slightly buzzed. We're cuddling in bed and I just felt like I had to say "I love you". She said it back and then initiated sex. In the morning she initiated sex again.

It could have been the alcohol that made me say it, in fact it probably was. We've been going out for about 5 months, everything has been awesome, and I really mean everything. The thing is, although I care about her and I think she does too, I don't love her yet. I just had this sudden urge to say it.

Are you sure you didn't mean it? Alcohol has a way of filtering our "walls.

In my opinion, there's 2 kinds of love. 1) The first love is a pyschosis; it's a drug. It's the feeling of happiness/euphoria when you're in that persons precense, and an absolute desire to see them again when they are away. This feeling fleets as time passes and normally dies or turns into... 2) Which is an eternal love. Like if my Mom (or my best friend) called me and said she was in some kind of trouble and needed my help - i'd break the world in half in that very minute to help her.

You don't have to feel 2) in order to tell someone you love them. 1) is normally good enough, and is not a contract of marriage.

I know that the general consensus here is "don't say it first". Truth be told, I don't mind putting myself out there and saying it first seeing as this girl is a bit shy (I'm her first real boyfriend), but it pisses me off that I said it when the truth is more like "I really like you".

So it sounds like you really didn't mean it then? Just make sure you're not pissed off because of the knowledge you have from places like this.

Any thoughts? According to threads on here saying "I love you" first leads to the woman taking you for granted and the level of attraction going down. Is this always true?

No, a woman will take you for granted if you let her! Has nothing to do with "i love you".

I mean, she's initiated as much sex as we could handle since I said it so it doesn't seem like it turned her off...

Well, lol.... This is surely a sign that she wants you children and wants your balls; you are her alpha for sure.... for now....

---


The only big problem this could create is if you don't say it back to her if she says it to you. I see the advice you're getting and the frame you're planning to take if it happens agian - but be warned - sh!t will probably hit the fan hard if you don't say it back. And you better be ready to be a rock. Do not discuss it. Do not argue about it. Only tease her. Be the flame to her drama oil, and then use those flames to fvck her into the floor.

 

[J Roc]

Why do you have a girlfriend if you dont love her?

 

[Mantis Toboggan]

Why do you have a girlfriend if you dont love her?

Because he's dating her, and perhaps may find out that he loves her in the future.

Do you love every girl you date for a couple months?

 

[J Roc]

I wouldnt even call a girl my girlfriend if I didnt love her. If I dont love her then she is just a f*ck buddy aka friend with benefits.

 

[PDubb75]

the fact that you didn't mean it makes it no big deal, if you meant it she probably would be out the door. i feel like she instinctualy knew that you weren't really going afc on her.

This had me laughing. What are you talking about? So, every time a guy means it when he says he loves his girlfriend, she's gonna run out on him? What the hell?

I think it's more that if she finds out he didn't really mean it, she might be out the door. Why would she run just because she believed her boyfriend of 5 months was in love with her? If she seems to feel the same way?

OP, things seem to be going well, so I wouldn't sweat it at all. The fact you had the "urge" to say it, probably means it isn't too far off. The only way I would really see an issue with it, is if you were actually starting to lose feelings, and you ended up really fvcking with her head by saying it. Otherwise, I just wouldn't say it again until you actually feel it.

 

[mikeyb]

Do not worry about this stuff man. If you've been a strong dominant man both in the relationship and in bed - this isn't as big of a deal as it would seem.

You guys are 5 months in + she says it back + seems very aroused by it? Not really a huge problem.

...

I've been quite dominant, wouldn't say 100% but much more than 50-50. Saying "I love you" has seemed to liberate her. Before I sometimes got the feeling that she was waiting for the hammer to fall, like she thought my interest in her wasn't that high and she was afraid of scaring me off. As a result she would sometimes act nervous around me. In the last day or two she's seemed much more relaxed and for added bonus she's been more sexual.

Are you sure you didn't mean it? Alcohol has a way of filtering our "walls.

Maybe, I do really care about her, but we haven't even had our first fight yet and I don't think it's possible to really love someone if you've only had good times together - that's just infatuation.

 

[perseverance]

the fact that you didn't mean it makes it no big deal, if you meant it she probably would be out the door. i feel like she instinctualy knew that you weren't really going afc on her.

Nonsense. Plenty of couples tell each other they love each other, providing this man still remains the man he was at the start of the relationship, everything will be fine on that front.

It takes a man to tell a woman he loves her and it's nice to know not all men on this forum are too scared to put themselves in vulnerable positions. To the OP, what's said has been said, just put it behind you and enjoy your relationship. Don't make an issue of it. You shouldn't have said it as you didn't mean it, but she doesn't need to know that and if you're getting extra sex out of it, then you've gained, not lost. So relax and just keep being the man you were when you started seeing her.